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What was the main reason for your relationship breakdown?

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  • #91
    What I meant was if the sex disappears for whatever reason, regardless of whose fault it may or may not be it's bye bye lover relationship. At best what's left is a friendship.

    I don't think a temporary medical condition constitutes a disappearance of sex. If in your example the guy and gal in the relationship stop having sex after the medcial condition is resolved, regardless of why, the lover relationship is pooched, plain and simple, easy peasy.

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    • #92
      Well what if an ex uses an excuse that the medication they are on causes them to not want it? But, when sex is present, both are satisfied. I know to some sex could just be sex and didn't matter who it was with but you know deep down that they are not the type to just have sex with anyone, then how does that work?

      But how do you claim that there was no intimacy but the sex was still good and both enjoyed it, is that possible? Isn't part of some intimacy related to making love with your partner?

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      • #93
        Originally posted by tugofwar View Post
        Isn't part of some intimacy related to making love with your partner?
        Not always. Sometimes it is just sex. I think some people are able to turn on or off the intimacy.

        How is bondage or other different forms of sex intimacy? Unless it is something you are doing for your partners gratification, and you get satisfaction that you are able to make your partner happy?

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        • #94
          Originally posted by blinkandimgone View Post
          Oh please! One is NOT obligated to provide sex to a partner whether married or not. You honestly think that someone should continue to have sex with the other when there is no attraction, desire or interest left?
          That is not what I said. Re-read it. I said if you refuse sex, you are contributing to the demise of the marriage.

          I did not say that you are always and everywhere in the wrong when you contribute to the demise of your own marriage. Some marriages need to die. Refusing to have sex is one way of doing that without anybody outside of the family knowing who shares responsibility for the demise.




          Back to the OP, I posit that all of the poll choices can be wrapped up into one single reason: lack of love.

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          • #95
            You said if she starved him of sex she contrinbuted to the demise of the marriage. Likewise if he starved her of the intimacy that leads to sex therefore creating the lack of interest or desire. Cart before the horse, now.

            Back to the OP, I posit that all of the poll choices can be wrapped up into one single reason: lack of love.
            Disagree - again. It takes a lot more than simply love to make a marriage work. Many couples who love each other very much are still unable to make it work for a variety of reasons.

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            • #96
              Originally posted by blinkandimgone View Post
              You said if she starved him of sex she contrinbuted to the demise of the marriage. Likewise if he starved her of the intimacy that leads to sex therefore creating the lack of interest or desire. Cart before the horse, now.
              That is as relevent as a disagreement over the color of the drapes in the couples home.

              I am not disputing anybody's right to use sex as a weapon. Get past that point. All I am saying is if you use a weapon, you are not fostering the relationship and your relationship is probably going down hill anyway.


              Originally posted by blinkandimgone View Post
              Originally posted by AnarX View Post
              Back to the OP, I posit that all of the poll choices can be wrapped up into one single reason: lack of love.
              Disagree - again. It takes a lot more than simply love to make a marriage work.
              You can define "work" any which way you want, so, there is no point arguing. In fact, you can define "love" any way you want too.

              For my wife, "working on the marriage" was firing one ridiculous ultimatum after an other until I needed several dimensions of time and space to jump through all of the hoops while she was racking up credit card bills and complaining that I was failing to provide for the family.

              Originally posted by blinkandimgone View Post
              Many couples who love each other very much are still unable to make it work for a variety of reasons.
              I do not believe that. In my opinion, love includes whatever "work" it may take. When there is true love, the couple naturally just works as a team. When they pick eachother apart and find fault in what each other does, that is just a symptom of the obvious: there is a lack of love.

              You never know what actually takes place behind closed doors anyway. You never really know why people get married either.

              My wife was a profound liar and she was also partly deaf. My wife never heard mewake up every night when the kids were infants. I was the first to hear them cry and rock them back to bed. When I told her, she did not care. She kept telling everybody that I just slept in every day. It is my mistake for failing to recognize that "working on the marriage" was just an underhanded way of her controlling the relationship for her own selfish desires.
              There is no point going in to any more details except that nobody believes me when I tell them that she spent more money on her vet bills (cats, dogs, fish, snailes, lizards, snakes, feeder cockroaches, etc. etc.) than she did for our children's dental care. You would be amazed at how she explained that for being my fault too.

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              • #97
                I disagree. You can still love each other and not be able to make it work. Perhaps you have just not met anyone in this situation before.

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                • #98
                  Infedelity. She had an affair behind my back. Got caught. She said she is experiencing an MLC. She walked out on myself and our two children. Totally blindsided. She has behaved erratically over all this. Even her own family is disgusted that she would do this. I am still in shock but with the help of my counsellor, the support of family and the love of my children I will get through this. Learning the legal aspects as I go.

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                  • #99
                    Originally posted by PaulP View Post
                    Infedelity. She had an affair behind my back. Got caught. She said she is experiencing an MLC. She walked out on myself and our two children. Totally blindsided. She has behaved erratically over all this. Even her own family is disgusted that she would do this. I am still in shock but with the help of my counsellor, the support of family and the love of my children I will get through this. Learning the legal aspects as I go.
                    I love how they call it a midlife crisis as though that makes it less their fault, or makes it sound like some kind of illness they can overcome and then get life back to normal. I don't know how any marriage can recover from the mistrust that comes of infidelity.

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                    • to all the cheatets.

                      I cheated too after 21 years of marriage and thre.e teenagers.o found myself enjoying t&e company of a man 15 years younger. O felt alone in my marriage.o felt like a single parent.he was a good man and a fine dad , but a lousy partner.his. unwillingness yo help out turned me off.so sex which was poor to begin with ,I with held from him. He found photos on my camera..my one mistake. Was that I should have been upfront rather then have him find out this way. Two of my kids don't talk to me .I still live on the house, and have my first court date in Dec.I left the marriage a long time ago.I mourn what has happened with. my kids age 16 and 18 but I don't mourn my marriage.I hope he reflects. On the lousy partner he was,instead of blamming me for all of it.

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                      • Originally posted by ruby View Post
                        I cheated too after 21 years of marriage and thre.e teenagers.o found myself enjoying t&e company of a man 15 years younger. O felt alone in my marriage.o felt like a single parent.he was a good man and a fine dad , but a lousy partner.his. unwillingness yo help out turned me off.so sex which was poor to begin with ,I with held from him. He found photos on my camera..my one mistake. Was that I should have been upfront rather then have him find out this way. Two of my kids don't talk to me .I still live on the house, and have my first court date in Dec.I left the marriage a long time ago.I mourn what has happened with. my kids age 16 and 18 but I don't mourn my marriage.I hope he reflects. On the lousy partner he was,instead of blamming me for all of it.
                        See, there's more that I don't think I can ever understand. How can this be better than having just separated from him years ago, when you 'left the marriage?' Even if you didn't recognize it then, why not initiate it when you found yourself falling for the other man? Why get to the point where you've destroyed everything, lost any kind of salvageable friendship with the man you made vows to, lost the respect of your children and likely other family members? I know this sort of thing is pretty common, sadly enough, but I just don't get it. So, speaking from the perspective of the "lousy partner" I can tell you that your ex will not ever reflect the way you wish. That's like blaming him for your own cheating! The correct thing to do with a lousy partner is seek counselling, communicate better, manage time better, separate, anything but the cruelty and utter disrespect of cheating.

                        I'm not necessarily singling you out, as I doubt you have the answers either despite having experienced it. Hindsight and all. I just don't understand infidelity, I guess, and may never, no matter how many stories I read from both sides of it.

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                        • I think Ruby is very brave for putting her story out there, knowing the kinds of criticism she could and probably will get for it. It may not have been the ideal choice but people make mistakes, move on and try to make better choices.

                          Chances are, the relationship was probably already over and unsalvagable, either way it was between the two of them and should have stayed that way. That he chose to involve friends, family and the children WAS the one absolute wrong that occurred here and he IS to blame for that. Nobody has the right to do that to their children.

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                          • I think some people are affraid to let go of their marriage and end up alone. That's why they hold onto their spouse until they feel they have found a new one to replace. Or that they feel like they are doing their spouse a favor by staying in the marriage and continue having affairs etc.
                            Maybe they are unsure and want to test the waters on the other side. I don't agree with it but face it alot of people do it. Why don't people face that their marriage is over, get out and then move on? I don't like cheaters. I think they are just cowards!
                            Last edited by tugofwar; 10-25-2010, 09:27 PM.

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                            • I think sometimes when the relationship is so dead, it doesn't even seem like cheating. I agree sometimes people hang on to the familiarity and are afraid to leave the marriage for a variety of different reasons though. Sometimes you just find yourself in a situation you never imagined. It happens.

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                              • I think the government did everyone a big disservice when they came out with "no fault divorce". Bring fault back into divorce, and punish the people responsible for the breakdown of the marriage contract.

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