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Old 10-30-2006, 12:01 AM
ifeelduped ifeelduped is offline
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Join Date: Oct 2006
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Unhappy Long story, please be patient and help if you can

My user id says it all, I feel like I have been duped; here is my story:

Background
Originally we shared an apartment for a few months until I got my own apartment. We remained a couple but had our own places for the next year and a half of our relationship. I then decided to buy a home since I had 2 kids from my marriage who were with me every 2nd weekend, and I wanted a bigger place for them when they visited.

So I bought a home and took out my first mortage in my name (and title). My girlfriend moved in shortly afterwards. I paid the mortgage and all the bills, she gave me some money to help every month. We had no kids, no joint accounts, and both had full-time jobs.

Things went south and we amicably decided to be apart. She decided to buy a condo but did not much of a down payment. She argued with me that I should pay her back any money she ever gave to me to cover monthly costs at the house while she lived there, "since I got to keep the house". I thought she was unreasonable since she would have had to pay expenses if she had been living on her own. Frustrated, I gave in to her demands and wrote her a cheque for 20k which was every penny she ever gave me.

We continued to see each other occasionally and she tells me that if we never get back together again, she still wants to have a child on her own, and asks me if I would consider being a sperm donor. I think this is a little weird and I remind her that I had no plans to have anymore children. She completely knew all during our relationship, that I had no interest in more children. However, she was completely obessesed with having a child; see deep rooted emotional issues later.

Well what do you think happens next... she magically becomes pregnant. I guess the pill that is 99% effective, no longer works when someone desparately wants a child and her future of having one on her own seems poor. I am dumb struck at this point, my family sees it as an obvious case of her purposely getting pregnant. I feel I do not want to look like a loser who abandons a woman when he gets her pregnant. I also do not want to have my second failed realtionship weighing on me. So what do I do...?, I offer to help raise the child and she sells her condo and moves back in with me. By the way, she keeps very penny she gets from her condo sale and I never see any of the 20k I gave her when she first moved out.

Next 1 1/2 years, back together in my home
The baby is born and she picks his first and middle names (says has had them picked out for awhile), and here is the kicker... the baby does not get my last name, not even both our names hyphenated, just hers. I do not know what to say when she requests this and I don't want to cause a big issue.

We live 1 year in my home together with the baby and she stays home full-time to care for him and chooses not to work. After visiting friends who live in a small country town, we decide the real estate costs are cheap and it a nice place. So we go for it, I sell my home, take the equity I put into it (~230k) and buy a gorgeous home for 100k less then my big city home sold for. I again, think I am doing the "right" thing when my real estate lawyer asks about who's name goes on the title (I am with her at his office at the time) and I say both names. Afterall, I would be a selfish, $%#tard if I said "Well it is just my money going into the home, so just put it in my name"... wouldn't I?

Zoom to the present day
3 years 5 months later (in the new home) and here is our present situation:

- I am a senior IT consultant and earn a very good income but it comes with a lot stress, hard work, long hours and weekly travel. For the first 6 years of my career I was a full-time employee of a consulting company and after that I started my own company.

- I continue to pay 100% of the mortgage, utilities, and home maintenance

- my "partner" has worked from home part-time as an employee of my company for the past 2+ years (she does remote admin work for her former employer, as a contractor through my company)

- her monthly part-time work generates an average of $2,000 per month in company revenue before corporate and personal taxes

- I pay her a monthly salary as my employee of $3,000 per month; this money is used by her for food and clothing for her and our son, and and incidentals; her monthly budget she created shows she needed $1,500 per month

- I have worked hard to pay down my mortgage over the last 3 yrs, 5 months. I started with a 215k mortgage (after using the 230k equity from my first home) and am down to 78k left. I have spent at over 100k on renos and it is now valued at ~600k. I have no other debt whatsoever.

- My partner on the other hand, has her own credit cards and bank accounts that I have nothing to do with. About 1 year ago, she told me that she had accumulated at 10k balance on her credit card, even though I pay all the bills and she gets a salary of 3,000 per month and she budgeted 1,500 in expenses. She tells me she is going to manage her money better and hopes to have it paid off within 8-12 months. She also complains that she can't save for her retirement like I do, although her 3,000 monthly salary less the $1,500 she budgeted should net her a surplus of $18,000 per year. I forgot to mention that I pay any income tax she owes.

- To make matters worse, my partner has grown obese over the last few years (she has struggled with an eating disorder since she was a teenager). She has been seeing a therapist who specializes in eating disorders for over a year now, and since then has ballooned up even more. I estimate she is 250 lbs and stands 5 ft 4 maybe. I am 6 ft and 185 lbs. She has a gym in the house that she does not use, a gym membership several times that she did not attend, and a personal trainer.

- In the last month, my "partner" informed my that she planned to get "lap band" surgery. Although, she has no savings that I know of, and a big credit card debt, she decides it is the only solution to her obesity problem and proceeds against my wishes for a $16,000 surgical procedure. I have no idea how she got them to do it upfront without getting the money. Recently she told me she has been trying to get a line of credit at the bank with no luck.

Our son-
Our son was her magic solution to a lot of deep rooted emotional problems of hers, and she coddles him like a no other mother. She sleep has slept with him most of his life and continues to do this today; he is now 5. She rarely goes to bed with me anymore and if she does, once I fall asleep while she is watching TV in bed, she gets up to go sleep with our son.

By the way, I love my son (like my other 2 kids) with all my heart, and tell him that all the time. I pick up my other 2 kids every second weekend and they stay with us. I know it does not sound like I am much of a father with all my travelling, but my friends and family often tell me I am a great dad. I guess I focus on quality of time and not quantity.

My (in)sanity
Although I pay for a bi-weekly house keeper and that just barely keeps our home liveable. She leaves her stuff all over the house, clothes are not put away, dishes piled in the sink, fridge smells foul. I am embarrassed to have people over. I have told her how much it bothers me, but she makes hardly any effort. On the other hand, anyone else who gives her praise, she does anything for. Here is a recent example of what she will do to get "praise" from others:

She held a party for our son and 7 of his 4-5 year old friends for Halloween. She spent at least 2 weeks buying things to decorate the inside and outside of the house (remember she has no money). She spent 2 days baking and getting ready for the party. I did not even know about the party until the day before. Surprised, but trying to help, I went out and bought beer and wine for the parents only to find out that there were not going to be any adults there. She told all the parents to just drop off their kids and to go have a good time by themselves, she would handle everything!

A few hours before the party, I asked her if she would clean off her papers and file folders that she had strewn all over our formal dining room and she refused. I bought the formal dining room set about a year ago, and most of the time it is covered in junk of hers. She has a separate reading room in the house she could use, and her own desk and filing cabinet, but can't since they are also covered in junk. I feel like I am living with a emotionally underdeveloped, messy teenager, who has no love or respect for me.

Want to move on
I have tried hard to make this work but feel I have wasted a lot of good years trying. Life is too short to live like this.

I feel I have been such a sucker with my home and finances. I do not want all of my years of hard work to pay for a home and manage some savings to be chopped in half by someone who I feel manipulated me into getting back together. Five years ago, I paid her back every penny she ever gave me when we first lived together. Then she got pregnant and I took her back in. I bought the new house and busted my butt to pay for everything. I cannot believe she should benefit from that.

I totally accept the fact that I need to provide child support for my 5 year old son (I have always done this for my other 2 kids). In addition, I have been saving for his education since he was born and would continue to do this. But I cannot accept that she has a "right" to more than that.

I need some good advice from people who know, what my rights are.

Sorry for my long sob story but I need to try to paint a complete picture. It was therapuetic writing it I am sure. At least I have a good overview for my lawyer that I am now searching for.

Sincerely,
I feel duped