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Thoughts on 4 way meetings??

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  • Thoughts on 4 way meetings??

    Any input on whether these are good or not? SC is scheduled for jan 2019. Ocl has just reassigned and is still having no luck touching base with My ex.

    My ex’s side asked for 4 way once and then cancelled once ocl took our case. Then he claimed conflict of interest with ocl and is now asking for 4 way again?

    Is it bad to decline saying we want to see what OCLs recommendations are ?


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  • #2
    They are quite expensive. It is like regular talking but your family loses a year of university tuition for your kid every time you give it a try.


    There is no obligation to do a 4-way meeting. "Courthouse cafeteria" meetings are often more effective, since you know you will be facing a judge shortly if you don't get your shit together.


    If you guys are actually able to negotiate, a mediator is substantially cheaper. However, if you guys cannot get along well enough with a mediator trained to bridge differences, how is adding two antagonistic highly paid lawyers going to help the situation?

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    • #3
      Thank you Janus. Ex cancelled the 4 way when ocl got involved. Then after 2 months of him dodging them and citing conflict of interest he asked to reschedule the 4 way. My counsel said she didn’t think it would be of benefit because he only wanted to discuss sect7’s and not custody or access. We also asked to use my family wizard twice and it goes ignored. Now they are asking for an interim order for email contact only. I will not agree as with our high conflict I believe the app would be more beneficial.

      So this won’t look bad on me for declining again? $375 hr. Missed time at work again. Only to do same all over with ocl disclose meeting in 2 -3 months. Then the SC right after. Such a waste. I already offered more time in my answer to his claim.


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      • #4
        I asked my partners lawyer about the ex beating her drum about mediation. The system likes to talk about mediation, arbitration, negotiation, meetings etc. but they solve nothing when one party isn’t willing to be reasonable. The lawyers response was that there was no way mediation would work as she was unreasonable.

        Your ex (and his gf) are unreasonable. His new lawyer is just starting at step 1 again asking for all the same shit his last lawyer asked for. It didn’t work last time and it won’t work now. You can say no. Let OCL do their thing and stop engaging. When they send bullshit emails put them in the g folder. Yes or no answers. Think before you act type of approach. You have another conference date which you can get to. As long as you’ve put forward a reasonable offer to settle, do what you have to and ignore the rest.

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        • #5
          Thanks Rockscan!! No actual offer to settle has been sent out yet. But we can do that closer to SC correct? But more time and access was offered in my reply to his claim.


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          • #6
            1. 4-way meetings are a waste of capital.

            2. Meditation, when both parties are unable to compromise on their position, is a waste of capital.

            Save your money.

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            • #7
              Thanks Tayken. I talked my Lawyer out of it!!


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              • #8
                1. 4-way meetings are a waste of capital.
                They can succeed in some cases. There may also be strategic reasons for proceeding.

                That being said - often the purpose is to stop people from dickering around with correspondence. Either commit to a settlement or get to litigation.

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                • #9
                  Originally posted by OrleansLawyer View Post
                  They can succeed in some cases. There may also be strategic reasons for proceeding.
                  Based on my experience with members of this forum... It is generally easy to suggest they are a waste of money. Parties who are going to be reasonable and compromise generally don't post on a forum like this. Just making a broad assumption of course.

                  Originally posted by OrleansLawyer View Post
                  That being said - often the purpose is to stop people from dickering around with correspondence. Either commit to a settlement or get to litigation.
                  I agree 100%. A war of words in letters does nothing to solve problems. The challenge is that settlement when one or both parties are unwilling to compromise generally lands in the "get to litigation" basket.

                  It is hard to compel people to be reasonable. The only power in the system to compel anything is a motion or trial.

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                  • #10
                    Originally posted by Tayken View Post
                    Based on my experience with members of this forum... It is generally easy to suggest they are a waste of money. Parties who are going to be reasonable and compromise generally don't post on a forum like this. Just making a broad assumption of course.







                    I agree 100%. A war of words in letters does nothing to solve problems. The challenge is that settlement when one or both parties are unwilling to compromise generally lands in the "get to litigation" basket.



                    It is hard to compel people to be reasonable. The only power in the system to compel anything is a motion or trial.


                    Very true Tayken...
                    So I refused the 4 way...
                    My ex then bombarded me with emails

                    He sent me some of the 6 months worth of arrears that he owes. So that was nice.

                    Then he proceeded to ask for all the extra time I offered in my answer to his custody claim. Well he picked and chose what was convenient for him. I guess an extended weekend from Friday to Monday morning he doesn’t want.

                    Except how do I agree to this and say ok when he isn’t willing to sign off an leave me with custody, which I have had for the past 5 years.

                    I offered him this extra time to settle the matter. He gets a b c d if he agrees to leave custody and myself as primary caregiver and primary residence.

                    Plus ocl is involved right now.
                    Any time I try to compromise.... and don’t give in to the exact demand they are asking for I get nasty emails back.


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                    • #11
                      Which you can then ignore. Think about it this way:

                      1. He asked for more time.
                      2. You offered it.
                      3. He picked and chose what time he wanted.
                      4. The demand has been met.

                      If you gave him what he wanted and it didn’t meet the threshold for cs adjustment then theres no need to continue to respond to additional correspondence.

                      If anything you can simply point out that you have responded to his request, his response does not change custody, if he does not agree then you should simply proceed with a judge involved.

                      Even if you had deep pockets to continue this circle of hell you would still need a judge to decide because he refuses to agree. You don’t have deep pockets. Move forward.

                      For a guy who can’t make his support and s7 arrears he sure has a lot of money for a lawyer. I can’t imagine its cheap to send all his letters!

                      Just remember that you do not have to participate in the arguments he launches. He can send you emails all day long. You gave him your answer. No further response needed!

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                      • #12
                        Well I haven’t responded to his demand via email yet.

                        But it was offered in the court papers.

                        So I don’t need to respond to his email? All of a sudden asking for the time I offered in the court docs. ?


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                        • #13
                          Maybe respond by noting you provided your offer in the court documents and he is welcome to use those?

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                          • #14
                            Originally posted by rockscan View Post
                            Maybe respond by noting you provided your offer in the court documents and he is welcome to use those?
                            agreed. simply state that the options were set out in the court documents- and give the dates.

                            as to the custody- i've been told multiple times by people on here- and my lawyer- don't agree to anything until OCL is complete. Otherwise- it may look like you're trying to frustrate the process or you're getting desperate. but fuck- aren't we all?

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                            • #15
                              Originally posted by iona6656 View Post
                              agreed. simply state that the options were set out in the court documents- and give the dates.



                              as to the custody- i've been told multiple times by people on here- and my lawyer- don't agree to anything until OCL is complete. Otherwise- it may look like you're trying to frustrate the process or you're getting desperate. but fuck- aren't we all?


                              Thanks Iona. So basically if they want the time I offered they should also agree to all the other things. Like it all goes hand in hand. I offered time to exercise maximum contact without disrupting the children’s routines and schedules too much. But stipulated I was only offering this if I retain custody as I have had it for the past 5 years.

                              They are only picking and choosing what is most convenient for them. Not what is best for the kids.


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