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Old 06-21-2009, 12:19 AM
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billm billm is offline
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My short answer is this - you want to suddenly change everthing in your childrens and ex's life for the sole proposed benifit of yourself (there is no guarantee that you will be happy when you move back home). I don't think you have the moral right, nor the legal right to end shared custody, and to separate your children from their father.

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Originally Posted by sophiejay43 View Post
...we have been alternating weeks Sun-Sun with the kids. We only moved 10 km away so I agreed to keep our son in same school until the end of the current school year.
That sounds great (though I presonally like my schedule of two days on, two days off, and every other weekend - a week is too long to be apart for many reasons I feel).

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Originally Posted by sophiejay43 View Post
I have lived in Nova Scotia for 20 years with my husband, however it has never felt like home. I am originally from British columbia. I desperately want to go home.
I can understand that, but keep in mind that the other 3 members of your family all think of NS as home. Do you wish for your kids to feel the way you do? Rock and a hard place I suppose, but your kids will be adults in 9 years - you can live anywhere then! Yes 9 years is a long time, but kids come first when you are a parent.

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Originally Posted by sophiejay43 View Post
I thought long and hard about this and decided that if I wasn't happy, my kids wouldn't be happy either when they were with me.
This is some pretty self serving logic and a weak argument that you have to move, move the kids, and separate them from their father, friends, and the area they grew up in.

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Originally Posted by sophiejay43 View Post
I would be willing to leave my son with him
Isn't breaking up the parents bad enough? Breaking up the kids too only makes it worse - I really can't agree with this idea of separationg the kids too.

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Originally Posted by sophiejay43 View Post
I made him a proposal which he of course shot down.
No kidding, what parent wouldn't???

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Originally Posted by sophiejay43 View Post
If I move home, I realize I will be responsible for child support, however will I be solely responsible for access costs?
Technically yes, I think you should be responsible for this cost as there is no reason for the move other than for you own reasons. Practically I would think it would be reasonable that he absorb some of the costs. This is a big cost and it will take away fom the fincancial assets available for the kids and their parents. I don't agree with the move, but if it happened, then he should aborb some of the cost, but certainly the significant portion should be yours.

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Originally Posted by sophiejay43 View Post
The one lawyer I consulted said that due to the high access costs, I could probably have CS reduced.
Which means that the kids suffer financially.

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Originally Posted by sophiejay43 View Post
I don't feel I should be punished for my whole life because I can't feel at home in NS.
Again, your kids and ex ARE at home in NS - suck it up, the grass is as green as you make it!

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Originally Posted by sophiejay43 View Post
My husband cares nothing for the sacrifices I have made by living here.
Sacrifice - what sacrifice? You made your bed, you're an adult, you made the decisions that got you to have a family in NS, don't blame him!

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Originally Posted by sophiejay43 View Post
I have a real problem with his whole attitude. I don't make this stuff up.
You diagree, I see your concern about ADD, but recognzie that men/women usually act differently when it comes to these things. I am sure that both of your attitudes and view points will change as you learn more about your son. Respect his input and parenting wishes as you wish he would of yours.

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Originally Posted by sophiejay43 View Post
if my husband learns there is a problem and still refuses to acknowledge it, then there is no way my son is living full time with him! Not even 50/50.
That makes sense to me. If you have different views about something you feel strongly about, then it make sense that you want to be as involved as possible in raising the child.

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Originally Posted by sophiejay43 View Post
Not even 50/50.
I don't think ADD is a sufficent reason for him to loose custody. I wouldn't worry about it, your ex will probably come around and you will both learn to deal with your son effectively if you cooperate.

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Originally Posted by sophiejay43 View Post
I have been those children's primary caregiver their whole lives for the most part. Mornings, bedtimes, baths, appts, extracurricular activities, parent teacher mtgs, etc. have always been my responsibility.
Yes, but now that the marriage is over things have changed - your ex is now stepping up to the plate to be an equal care giver as most loving, dedicated, parent would.

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Originally Posted by sophiejay43 View Post
My doctor thinks that I should go for primary physical custody and request to move home with my children. She said due to the fact that I have no family here, I have a strong case.
If you had a lawyer, would you ask her for medical advice? I don't think being a doctor gives them any more weight then any friend or relative - they will still most likely tell you what you want to hear.

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Originally Posted by sophiejay43 View Post
It has only been since I moved out that my husband has all of a sudden become this 'super dad'. He has everything and I have nothing. He is making me look bad because I have a harder time with the kids. Well, it is easy for him when nothing has changed. They still have their house, their friends and neighbours, a new pool, new toys and games, new clothes, he bought a new laptop for himself and just yesterday, he added a puppy to the mix. He is buying his children.
Wow, he sounds great, the children are lucky to have him - what are you so upset about? I get it, it is a difficult thing for you, living well is the best 'revenge', but this really makes you sound bitter and jealous - you left him, so let him be a 'super dad' and you be a 'super mom' and the kids will be happy and have two great parents.

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Originally Posted by sophiejay43 View Post
He is making all the rules and expects me to sit by and watch.
Ah no, he simply wants the rules to say they way they have always been, the rules you and he made together while having a family. It is you that wants to make all the rules, he is just trying to follow the old ones.

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Originally Posted by sophiejay43 View Post
I was advised to seek a min of 40k for division of assets. I instead told him I only wanted 20k and instead of paying CS to him I would put aside 400/mo in a travel fund,
I don't agree with this concept. You should get exaclty have off all marital assets and debts, you should pay CS according to each of your incomes and your custody arrangement, and you should not move if you want to retain some custody, but if you do then you should pay the lion's share (no pun intended) of the travel costs. These are all separate issues and I never understand why people try to negotiate one point by bringing others. Keep it simple will help keep it fair.

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Originally Posted by sophiejay43 View Post
I would buy them laptops with webcams and mics, so we could communicate whenever they wanted.
You are not the first to suggest webcams as a parenting substitue - I couldn't disagree more.

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Originally Posted by sophiejay43 View Post
He flatly refused to pay me any money and said he will spend everything in court fighting me. Only the kids will lose then.
He does not want to negotiate on losing custody of his kids and a lot of parents would fight with all they've got (some of them are in this forum) to retain their right to raise their own children. If you force him to do this, yes all will lose.

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Originally Posted by sophiejay43 View Post
So, my dilemna is do I try to get 10k which is enough to get what I need to move and I have a place to stay with family already, and get myself settled, get a job and then fight him for custody?
Everyone will tell you here that you can't fight custody that way. If you leave, you will have a very hard time winning custody.

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Originally Posted by sophiejay43 View Post
Or do I stay and fight for half of everything AND full custody and the right to move?
I would hope that you have no chance at full custody or to move. And if that is true your best solution is to stick with what you have (50/50 custody), split the assets and debts equally, finish raising your children in NS, keep your kids together, embrace that the kids have a good dad and want to be with him as they do you, and then move back to BC when the youngest finishes high school.

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Originally Posted by sophiejay43 View Post
He seems to think I should be the only one to suffer or have any change in my life as a result of our marriage ending because it was my decision.
Yes, he probably does! I am sure he does not want change nor to suffer. I am sure the kids don't want change nor to suffer. So that just leaves you - would you be more content if they all suffered too? You really feel sorry for yourself - stop it!


I am a straight shooter and I probably could have put this in a more suppotive way however I really really don't get why you can even consider this disruptive idea of moving to BC while your kids are young, of possibly splitting up your kids, of possibly being away from your kids, or of forcing them to be away from their father. I hope for their sake you reconsider and finally accept that you live in NS, that is 'home' (as your kids think it is), and you have no practical choice other than to make the best of it while you raise your kids.

Last edited by billm; 06-21-2009 at 12:32 AM.