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  • URGENT: Dealing with an up coming weekend scenario

    I have to travel for company business Sunday morning and will be out of town all month.

    I have sent my ex a proposed 2017 child access schedule which includes I pick them up from school today and she picks them up on Saturday as I have to leave on company business. She has not responded even after my lawyer sent to her lawyer another followup letter.

    I risk going to pick up the kids and they are not there. It is a 90 minute drive on highway 7. I also risk going to pick them up from school but she cannot pick them up from Ottawa on Saturday. If the latter happens I risk missing my company trip which will not look good in the eyes of my employer.

    I have avoided texting this woman as she always replies with a lot of accusatory and disrespectful remarks, going as far as calling me a coward.

    What should I do?

  • #2
    Make sure you have in writing something like:

    "I am attempting to set a solid schedule with you to be involved in our children's lives, as per the e-mail I sent you on ___ proposing a set schedule for 2017 that would facilitate parenting time, routine and predictability for our children.

    If you do not respond to this by _______, I will consider this another denial of access to our children. I hope very much that this is not the case as they will surely benefit from having both loving parents in their life.
    __________________________________________________ ______

    There are plenty of better writers than me here. My point is to set a time/date to reply by...then chalk it up as a denial of access (bad for kids...but good for you in court).

    Comment


    • #3
      Originally posted by e28makaveli View Post
      I have to travel for company business Sunday morning and will be out of town all month.
      I hope this job pays really well. It will be costing you your children.

      I have avoided texting this woman as she always replies with a lot of accusatory and disrespectful remarks, going as far as calling me a coward.
      Well, based on your other threads, you kinda are a coward

      You shouldn't be texting anyway, so no problem there. Arrange everything by email.

      The usual way of dealing with people like this is to send a message with a default option.

      eg. As discussed previously I am available to pick up the children on Friday, and I think they would really appreciate spending some time with me. Unless I hear otherwise from you, I will pick them up at 3pm and then return them at 8pm on Sunday. If there are any issues with the plan, please let me know by 2pm on Wednesday or I will assume that everything is good and plan accordingly.

      The problem here is course is that you are on a tight deadline, you are a bit too late to be sending a message like this. Next time be more on the ball. For this weekend, I would take the risk and drive, and if she can't pick them up then be prepared to drive them back yourself. Sucks, but your fault.


      What should I do?
      Find a different job.

      Comment


      • #4
        Originally posted by e28makaveli View Post
        I have to travel for company business Sunday morning and will be out of town all month.

        I have sent my ex a proposed 2017 child access schedule which includes I pick them up from school today and she picks them up on Saturday as I have to leave on company business. She has not responded even after my lawyer sent to her lawyer another followup letter.

        I risk going to pick up the kids and they are not there. It is a 90 minute drive on highway 7. I also risk going to pick them up from school but she cannot pick them up from Ottawa on Saturday. If the latter happens I risk missing my company trip which will not look good in the eyes of my employer.

        I have avoided texting this woman as she always replies with a lot of accusatory and disrespectful remarks, going as far as calling me a coward.

        What should I do?
        If you don't hear by school let go consider it a no.

        If you hear back and get offered access, tell your work you have to return home and come back and exercise access.

        Don't engage in argument with her if she says no. Save the corresponding and deal with it accordingly in court when you come back.

        But have your lawyer continue to request access. If she says yes then you fly back. Family emergency.

        Comment


        • #5
          Originally posted by Janus View Post
          I hope this job pays really well. It will be costing you your children.
          A one month travel should not cost me my children. Sorry but I do not buy that.


          Well, based on your other threads, you kinda are a coward
          Not wanting to engage in verbal assaults I guess qualifies one as a coward? I'll take that Trying to work in an amicable setting for the best interest of children also qualifies one as coward, seriously?


          You shouldn't be texting anyway, so no problem there. Arrange everything by email.
          This is why I have everything done via email these days.


          The usual way of dealing with people like this is to send a message with a default option.

          eg. As discussed previously I am available to pick up the children on Friday, and I think they would really appreciate spending some time with me. Unless I hear otherwise from you, I will pick them up at 3pm and then return them at 8pm on Sunday. If there are any issues with the plan, please let me know by 2pm on Wednesday or I will assume that everything is good and plan accordingly.
          Good advice.

          The problem here is course is that you are on a tight deadline, you are a bit too late to be sending a message like this. Next time be more on the ball. For this weekend, I would take the risk and drive, and if she can't pick them up then be prepared to drive them back yourself. Sucks, but your fault.
          I sent the original email on January 30th. That is enough time for consideration, I would think. It should not take her 3 days to make a decision.

          Well partially my fault for sending the letter on Jan 30 . Just how much time does she need?



          Find a different job.
          Surely you are joking

          Comment


          • #6
            Originally posted by LovingFather32 View Post
            Make sure you have in writing something like:

            "I am attempting to set a solid schedule with you to be involved in our children's lives, as per the e-mail I sent you on ___ proposing a set schedule for 2017 that would facilitate parenting time, routine and predictability for our children.

            If you do not respond to this by _______, I will consider this another denial of access to our children. I hope very much that this is not the case as they will surely benefit from having both loving parents in their life.
            __________________________________________________ ______

            There are plenty of better writers than me here. My point is to set a time/date to reply by...then chalk it up as a denial of access (bad for kids...but good for you in court).

            Excellent template, which I hopefully will use. I have decided to forgo this weekend with the children. If I pick them up and she cannot pick them up on Saturday, business trip is in jeopardy.

            Another poster jokingly (I hope) asked I get another job. I am sure that's easier said than done. My objective now is to balance keeping my job and performance up as well as manage this difficult divorce process.

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by trinton View Post
              If you don't hear by school let go consider it a no.

              If you hear back and get offered access, tell your work you have to return home and come back and exercise access.

              Don't engage in argument with her if she says no. Save the corresponding and deal with it accordingly in court when you come back.

              But have your lawyer continue to request access. If she says yes then you fly back. Family emergency.
              It is 2 PM and I have not heard back. I need atleast 90 minutes to get out there, so it is risky I will arrive late. I needed a response earlier and would admit this was not explicit even though the schedule says I have them today. I have also been relying on lawyer advise here but the advice apparently did not contain the type of urgency that was required.

              Call me a bad father but it also does not make any sense to cancel a cooperate meeting, just because my ex-wife chooses to delay a decision with regards to access schedule as she sees fit. In a normal working or even amicable relationship, this will not be an issue. This appears to be attempt at denying child access.

              Comment


              • #8
                "corporate" meeting (spell check could help you advance your career...)

                Seems to me you are unavailable. You made no alternate child care arrangements for pick-up/delivery of children.

                It is what it is.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by e28makaveli View Post
                  Excellent template, which I hopefully will use. I have decided to forgo this weekend with the children. If I pick them up and she cannot pick them up on Saturday, business trip is in jeopardy.
                  Which is more important, your business trip, or your time with your children? Sounds like you are choosing your job over your children.

                  Originally posted by e28makaveli View Post
                  Another poster jokingly (I hope) asked I get another job. I am sure that's easier said than done. My objective now is to balance keeping my job and performance up as well as manage this difficult divorce process.
                  It's not a joke. We all understand getting a new job is not easy. But when you are a single parent, you need to have a job with the flexibility to allow you to parent. A job that requires a month of travel out of country is not the right job for a single parent.

                  Do you have a nanny who could look after the children when your work obligations occur? If you can't get one, then yes, you need to find a job that's more compatible with your parenting. Especially if you have a co-parent who is uncooperative or unreliable, which it seems you do.

                  If your children's mother had died instead of the relationship ending, how would you handle your work travel obligations?

                  Originally posted by e28makaveli View Post
                  It is 2 PM and I have not heard back. I need atleast 90 minutes to get out there, so it is risky I will arrive late. I needed a response earlier and would admit this was not explicit even though the schedule says I have them today. I have also been relying on lawyer advise here but the advice apparently did not contain the type of urgency that was required.
                  You don't have a formal parenting access agreement yet, and just sent her a proposal for 2017, which she hasn't answered yet? Then she's not denying access. You don't have a schedule for her to mess with. She probably realizes that if she ignores you long enough, it works out better for her.

                  Originally posted by e28makaveli View Post
                  Call me a bad father but it also does not make any sense to cancel a cooperate meeting, just because my ex-wife chooses to delay a decision with regards to access schedule as she sees fit. In a normal working or even amicable relationship, this will not be an issue. This appears to be attempt at denying child access.
                  You are separated. You don't have a normal relationship and can't expect to ever have one. You have to get a firm schedule in place, either through agreement or court, and then base your work hours and obligations around it. Your ex may not be willing to change the schedule around or take the kids for extra time to help you out with your work obligations.

                  You can't blame your ex for you having to cancel or delay a corporate meeting. Blame yourself for treating the situation as though she has to bow to your work schedule.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by e28makaveli View Post
                    A one month travel should not cost me my children. Sorry but I do not buy that.
                    If the mother died, how would you take care of the child during the month?

                    I sent the original email on January 30th. That is enough time for consideration, I would think. It should not take her 3 days to make a decision.
                    No, not even close. I would say you would need to give at least 2 weeks notice. A month would be a better length of time. How long have you known about the trip? Unless the answer is after January 27th, then you did not give anything close to adequate notice.

                    Well partially my fault for sending the letter on Jan 30 . Just how much time does she need?
                    You have to give her enough time so that she looks unreasonable when she ignores you. Ignoring you for 3 days is very reasonable. I only check for messages from my ex about once a week. If there is an emergency she can text me but otherwise I ignore all texts.

                    A planned trip does not constitute an emergency.


                    Surely you are joking
                    You have two options:

                    A) Have your current job, pay CS, watch your kids become strangers
                    B) Change jobs, maybe pay less CS, have a relationship with your kids

                    You have made it pretty clear how you are going to choose. Given that the job is more important than the kids, I'm not sure why you are stressing about this at all. Make your CS payments and move on with your life. Get a girlfriend and have fun. The time you spend with your kids now is mostly wasted effort since you are unlikely to ever be close to them.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by e28makaveli View Post
                      It is 2 PM and I have not heard back. I need atleast 90 minutes to get out there, so it is risky I will arrive late. I needed a response earlier and would admit this was not explicit even though the schedule says I have them today. I have also been relying on lawyer advise here but the advice apparently did not contain the type of urgency that was required.

                      Call me a bad father but it also does not make any sense to cancel a cooperate meeting, just because my ex-wife chooses to delay a decision with regards to access schedule as she sees fit. In a normal working or even amicable relationship, this will not be an issue. This appears to be attempt at denying child access.

                      Don't tell her your giving up the access. You are not. You asked for access and she didn't respond to you. She specifically and deliberately ignored you. Why would you sit at home if you are not getting access, might as well go to the job.

                      BUT! You don't want to come off as choosing your job over losing access for a month.

                      WHICH IS WHY YOUR Lawyer should CONTINUE to request access, under the presumption that you WILL fly back to spend time with your children if she says yes. And they don't need to know you're out of the country. That is none of their business. You do realize that she is going to keep saying no right? So keep WANTING to see your kids and Don't let it come off as you don't want to spend the time because of a job. Be smart.

                      My advice stands, if she offers you time, you fly out immediately, otherwise, it will be used against you.

                      What's more important, spending time with your kids or going to work? If you lose your job for having to come visit your kids, then so be it, and that is your ground for not being able to pay child support while you look to find a new job. Any perspective employer will be understanding of this situation. And I'm sure the courts will be too.
                      Last edited by trinton; 02-02-2017, 04:45 PM.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        If you pick the kids up from school and Mom doesn't show to pick them up Saturday you have a whole other problem. You should have not said anything and arranged for someone to stay with kids until Mom came on Sunday.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by arabian View Post
                          "corporate" meeting (spell check could help you advance your career...)
                          Haha good one. Surely a forum of divorcees lol. Quick to point out spelling errors instead of sticking to the issue at hand, are you?

                          Seems to me you are unavailable. You made no alternate child care arrangements for pick-up/delivery of children
                          .

                          From the 5mm lens you are looking through, sure. You need more context but from your opening statement....

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by Rioe View Post
                            Which is more important, your business trip, or your time with your children? Sounds like you are choosing your job over your children.
                            Well, you cannot be serious. So I decide to go on a business trip which is sponsored by the company once a year, and all of a sudden it spells doom for my children. Really?


                            It's not a joke. We all understand getting a new job is not easy. But when you are a single parent, you need to have a job with the flexibility to allow you to parent. A job that requires a month of travel out of country is not the right job for a single parent.
                            Perhaps I have that kind of job. Did you ever ask what I do? Perhaps just because I am out of the country does not mean I cannot come back home for family emergency. When she took the kids to Newfoundland, which is further than where I am going, and was there for about 3 weeks, stuck in the sea, I trusted she was taking good care of the children.

                            Do you have a nanny who could look after the children when your work obligations occur? If you can't get one, then yes, you need to find a job that's more compatible with your parenting. Especially if you have a co-parent who is uncooperative or unreliable, which it seems you do.
                            Perhaps my kind of job allows me to work from home. Perhaps this is one trip I need to make. Perhaps I will not be doing this all the time. Alot of questions, you could have asked but quick to cast judgement. Hmmmmm.

                            If your children's mother had died instead of the relationship ending, how would you handle your work travel obligations?
                            If right?

                            You don't have a formal parenting access agreement yet, and just sent her a proposal for 2017, which she hasn't answered yet? Then she's not denying access. You don't have a schedule for her to mess with. She probably realizes that if she ignores you long enough, it works out better for her.
                            And that appears to be a behavior you condone according to your posts.

                            You are separated. You don't have a normal relationship and can't expect to ever have one. You have to get a firm schedule in place, either through agreement or court, and then base your work hours and obligations around it. Your ex may not be willing to change the schedule around or take the kids for extra time to help you out with your work obligations.
                            Just because two people are separated does not mean that they cannot have a proper working relationship for the sake of the children.

                            You can't blame your ex for you having to cancel or delay a corporate meeting. Blame yourself for treating the situation as though she has to bow to your work schedule.
                            I take my fair share of responsibility. It would be foolish of me to blame her for canceling a trip and therefore made the decision. Noone asked her to bow down to my schedule but guess what, without this job, she does not get child support in the amount she is getting today.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Originally posted by Janus View Post
                              If the mother died, how would you take care of the child during the month?
                              I will come back home and take my kids. Simple as that.


                              No, not even close. I would say you would need to give at least 2 weeks notice. A month would be a better length of time. How long have you known about the trip? Unless the answer is after January 27th, then you did not give anything close to adequate notice.

                              You have to give her enough time so that she looks unreasonable when she ignores you. Ignoring you for 3 days is very reasonable. I only check for messages from my ex about once a week. If there is an emergency she can text me but otherwise I ignore all texts.
                              This is all fair statement.

                              A planned trip does not constitute an emergency.


                              You have two options:

                              A) Have your current job, pay CS, watch your kids become strangers
                              B) Change jobs, maybe pay less CS, have a relationship with your kids
                              Or possibly a third option:
                              C) Stick with my current job and make a respectable and working relationship out of this current mess.

                              Seems like you guys are quick to look for negative outlets I am a positive type of dude here.

                              You have made it pretty clear how you are going to choose. Given that the job is more important than the kids,
                              No comment. I am sure, there is plenty of time to spend with my kids. 2/3 weekends will not kill them. What about those military parents? Are their kids doomed? What about parents with high travel jobs? Are their kids doomed?

                              I'm not sure why you are stressing about this at all. Make your CS payments and move on with your life. Get a girlfriend and have fun. The time you spend with your kids now is mostly wasted effort since you are unlikely to ever be close to them.
                              Mostly depressing stuff you've written. Yes, making CS payments and getting a GF are obvious. I'll take the challenge of making a working relationship out of this mess, or get full custody of my children and raise them into responsible and well achieved kids. That's a challenge I look forward

                              Comment

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