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  • #16
    Originally posted by cbarker78 View Post
    Very well said!!

    That's the approach I've been taking as well. My upcoming divorce, to me, is not a failure of my marriage, rather it's just moving into a new chapter of life - and I'll be getting my tattoo soon to commemorate this new life
    Symbols of change do not really demonstrate change. Your perspective on things is more important than the symbol any tattoo will give you. Also, do you really want an un-removable reminder of your past experience on you?

    Moving on is moving on. You shouldn't need to celebrate it in my opinion. Just do it. (c) Nike

    Symbols are great ways to demonstrate change but, what you choose to demonstrate this may bring back something unwanted in the future.

    You still have your life. The only difference is the person you chose to share it with has changed. Life is about change. Everyone changes. Recognizing your ability to change and doing it is the most important. Working to change for the better is key. People should see this in your person and a physical symbol may give you temporary satisfaction but, it is a mark you will carry for the rest of your life. Hopefully you choose something positive and nothing related to your past relationship.

    Good Luck!
    Tayken

    Comment


    • #17
      Don't do anything that would validate his "fears" in the course of the litigation
      I don't "do" anything to my stbx at all. I am moving on with my life. Despite all the crap that he's thrown at me during the last 2 years (and before), I can honestly say I don't have negative feelings towards him at all. In fact, I don't feel anything for him. I certainly don't egg him on. But I also have zero intention of not doing something I feel like doing while worrying about how he's going to intrepret or attack me with it. I don't consider him on a daily basis in anything I do. That part of my life is over.

      I do wish that he had been more reasonable in the divorce process since I made offers to settle things amicably and he rejected that and hired a high-conflict attorney. I know that whatever I do...he'll throw whatever he can at me. I've been accused of everything from being a bad cook, to being obsessed with my appearance, etc, etc, etc. However, these things are not within my control so I deal with the outcome and it know that its happening for a reason. Frankly, his behavior is validating all the reasons I wanted a divorce in the first place..which may sound odd but is comforting to know that I made the right decision.

      Emotional ones that you are aware of. But, divorce is a form of loss.
      I have to disagree with this. I found my marriage to be a form of loss. A loss of time and a chance at a more substantial life. Its hard to examine your most precious life goals and realize that you never be able to achieve them with the partner you've chosen. So my separation has been a time of amazing gain both personally and in my relationships with others. In addition, although I have to "share" my kids in a way I didn't before. They have gained more engaged, happier parents (on my side at least) who value the time that is spent with them.

      Many litigants seek sole custody to eliminate this element of their "divorce".
      He sued for sole custody, exclusive possession of the home...etc, etc. I don't need to tell you how that's working out for him. (Insert a flying pig in a frozen over hell here).

      What a lot of people fail to do after divorce is investigate why they were not happy with the partner they had chosen.
      I did a lot of this during the marriage. The divorce was more of a formality in my case.

      While I agree that litigation is a tragic, draining, frustrating thing...I must say that divorce is easily the most liberating, wonderful event that's happened in my adult life (aside from giving birth). I know that's not the case for everyone...but its definitely the case for me.

      Comment


      • #18
        Originally posted by Pursuinghappiness View Post
        I don't "do" anything to my stbx at all. I am moving on with my life. Despite all the crap that he's thrown at me during the last 2 years (and before), I can honestly say I don't have negative feelings towards him at all.
        That is unfortunate somewhat possibly (don't take this negative) that you have no feelings towards the father of your children. Hopefully your children realize that both parents love them equally and should be involved with their lives.

        Originally posted by Pursuinghappiness View Post
        In fact, I don't feel anything for him.
        He is still a parent to the children. The absence of a feeling for the father of your children is probably not really how you feel. You probably want him to love the children just as much as you do and be a positive role model in their lives.

        Originally posted by Pursuinghappiness View Post
        I certainly don't egg him on. But I also have zero intention of not doing something I feel like doing while worrying about how he's going to intrepret or attack me with it. I don't consider him on a daily basis in anything I do. That part of my life is over.
        Well, as parents you still have to consider what you do in your life with regards to your children's best interests. Even after divorce you are still parents.

        Originally posted by Pursuinghappiness View Post
        I do wish that he had been more reasonable in the divorce process since I made offers to settle things amicably and he rejected that and hired a high-conflict attorney.
        That will come to haunt him when it comes times to decide costs in your matter. Those will demonstrate to the court the high-conflict world you have been dragged into.

        Demonstrate you are the reasonable litigant and cooperative and in the long run, it will result in better results when before the court. It really is a shame that matters take so long to resolve when one party takes the matter to the court.

        Originally posted by Pursuinghappiness View Post
        I know that whatever I do...he'll throw whatever he can at me.
        Giving him nothing to throw is the best option that you have chosen. The challenge though is still being cooperative or trying to be with regards to everything. There is no reset button on what is put into the continuing record, what has been sworn as the truth. That is the major problem with going to the court... Public record.

        Originally posted by Pursuinghappiness View Post
        I've been accused of everything from being a bad cook, to being obsessed with my appearance, etc, etc, etc.
        Standard fair for a high-conflict divorce. But, those are common and judges read right over them. They are done to cause an emotional reaction in you. To get you to fight and to put you on the defensive.

        Originally posted by Pursuinghappiness View Post
        However, these things are not within my control so I deal with the outcome and it know that its happening for a reason.
        Very good perspective. But, it takes two for a marriage to fail. I am sure you are not squeaky clean. No one ever is in divorce. The key is to be reasonable and well, in my opinion you are.

        Originally posted by Pursuinghappiness View Post
        Frankly, his behavior is validating all the reasons I wanted a divorce in the first place..which may sound odd but is comforting to know that I made the right decision.
        The challenge is that a vindication isn't really going to solve the parental challenges you face throughout your children's lives. That is the problem with divorce. It can validate some aspects but, you still are expected by the court and everyone around you to get along with the other parent. It is hard to do in a situation like yours.

        Hopefully your decision was based on personal reasons that are grounded in facts (which based on what you write in your communications is in my opinion well grounded in facts).

        Originally posted by Pursuinghappiness View Post
        I have to disagree with this. I found my marriage to be a form of loss. A loss of time and a chance at a more substantial life. Its hard to examine your most precious life goals and realize that you never be able to achieve them with the partner you've chosen. So my separation has been a time of amazing gain both personally and in my relationships with others. In addition, although I have to "share" my kids in a way I didn't before. They have gained more engaged, happier parents (on my side at least) who value the time that is spent with them.
        A lot of odd cases have been coming up before the courts that deal with wild fantasy lives, unrealistic expectations of marriage and other media induced fantasies (i.e. Eat Pray Love) whereby one of the people in the marriage engages in high conflict divorce looking for perfection in their relationship. As you are the respondent in your matters it sounds like you were married to a perfectionist potentially. A trait often that goes hand-in-hand with a high-conflict divorce.

        Originally posted by Pursuinghappiness View Post
        He sued for sole custody, exclusive possession of the home...etc, etc. I don't need to tell you how that's working out for him. (Insert a flying pig in a frozen over hell here).
        All probably motivated by fear. Especially as the Applicant he has an uphill battle with flying pigs in the frozen hell that is the court system. Very bold requests for any Applicant to demonstrate before the court.

        Originally posted by Pursuinghappiness View Post
        I did a lot of this during the marriage. The divorce was more of a formality in my case.
        Too bad the formality had to involve litigation due to a lawsuit brought against you.

        Originally posted by Pursuinghappiness View Post
        While I agree that litigation is a tragic, draining, frustrating thing...I must say that divorce is easily the most liberating, wonderful event that's happened in my adult life (aside from giving birth). I know that's not the case for everyone...but its definitely the case for me.
        Children don't really give parent absolute freedom even after divorce. Hopefully you have found enough freedom and peace that things are better than when you were living together with the Applicant.

        Hopefully there will be some legal closure in your matter eventually. The court system is too slow in these matters and needs better intervention methods for protracted litigations... Trial isn't it. It leaves more mess behind than it ever does solve problems.

        Good Luck!
        Tayken

        Comment


        • #19
          Originally posted by Tayken View Post
          Symbols of change do not really demonstrate change. Your perspective on things is more important than the symbol any tattoo will give you. Also, do you really want an un-removable reminder of your past experience on you?

          Moving on is moving on. You shouldn't need to celebrate it in my opinion. Just do it. (c) Nike

          Symbols are great ways to demonstrate change but, what you choose to demonstrate this may bring back something unwanted in the future.

          You still have your life. The only difference is the person you chose to share it with has changed. Life is about change. Everyone changes. Recognizing your ability to change and doing it is the most important. Working to change for the better is key. People should see this in your person and a physical symbol may give you temporary satisfaction but, it is a mark you will carry for the rest of your life. Hopefully you choose something positive and nothing related to your past relationship.

          Good Luck!
          Tayken

          I've thoroughly enjoyed reading your posts in this thread But disagree with one comment in particular - "You shouldn't need to celebrate it in my opinion" - Nope.... Celebrate it, Embrace it, Own it... In my view of life (and all it encompasses), everything can be celebrated in one form or another... If we don't celebrate the positive, as small as it may be, it is all too easy to lose sight of it and find ourselves getting lost in the mountain of negativity that comes at us from all directions!! In particular, I've always felt that the more stress & negativity in our lives, the greater the need to celebrate wildly the small glimmers of positivity I know it comes across very "New Age" but it's amazing the difference this mindset has made in my life


          I look at those (just shy of) 10 years as an important chapter of my life, and I do not regret a single day of them. From this time, I learned a great deal about myself, I gained greater confidence and insight, and above all else I have my two amazing & beautiful girls!! I finally "grew up" and discovered *who* I am and realized that I am more than capable of successfully standing on my own two feet!!

          In that time there were a lot of happy days, and a lot of sad/angry days.... but I'm choosing to move forward in my life, not allowing myself to be trapped by my past. The symbol I've chosen to permanently reflect this is a beautiful image - a Celtic tree of Life. This is a powerful image for me (Scottish) and holds deep meanings for me.

          This will be my second tat.... the first is representative of my children (all four - my two step daughters and my two daughters), but it too is not something someone would pick up on right away.... I prefer the subtle, personal approach

          Comment


          • #20
            CBarker:

            I would agree with you, although I appreciate good advice and always take it to heart, I'm also an individual and an adult and am not asking permission for how to feel or live my life these days. I'm perfectly capable and competent to figure these things out on my own.

            I am finding my divorce a very empowering and very positive experience...its not a negative thing for me or my family. I see nothing wrong in celebrating the achievment of life milestones. If a tattoo is a symbol that reminds you that you're working towards achieving your life goals, I see nothing wrong in getting one.

            Comment


            • #21
              Originally posted by Pursuinghappiness View Post
              CBarker:

              I would agree with you, although I appreciate good advice and always take it to heart, I'm also an individual and an adult and am not asking permission for how to feel or live my life these days. I'm perfectly capable and competent to figure these things out on my own.

              I am finding my divorce a very empowering and very positive experience...its not a negative thing for me or my family. I see nothing wrong in celebrating the achievment of life milestones. If a tattoo is a symbol that reminds you that you're working towards achieving your life goals, I see nothing wrong in getting one.
              Hopefully the "celebration" doesn't involve divorce cake and ranting about the previous partner with your friends.

              15 Hilarious Divorce Cakes - Oddee.com (divorce cake, divorce cakes)

              There are positive results from any change of life experience. So long as they are not rooted in emotional escape from a past life they can be positive. Wouldn't disagree with this. But, for many people celebrating after divorce (ie. Divorce Party) who are eating, praying and loving without proper self evaluation of the impact, especially those who went through a highly conflicted divorce can often come back at a later time.

              Many people celebrate the "escape" from the "bonds of marriage" but, rarely reflect on why the relationship failed or why they even choose to marry someone who they later came to the conclusion couldn't "spend the rest of their life with".

              This is most dangerous when children are involved because the left side (emotional) of the brain can hide things for a while in false happiness.

              So long as the expression of "happiness" is rooted in something positive and not the negative aspects of the person being left it is more than healthy.

              Too many people see divorce as a "new life" but, when kids are involved, it is a new life but, the other parent, who you couldn't get along with and needed to divorce is still around.

              (General observations gathered from reading trial records where matters were settled and then returned to court years later and the person claiming to be happy fills the continuing record with all the allegations of the past... again...)

              The problem with dealing with a high-conflict individual is that the end is never the end. They are never truly happy with any outcome. They may find "joy" in a small victory but, when they see they lost the "war" they always come back for more.

              Divorce shouldn't be bittersweet... It should be an end to the adult relationship. Parental relationships persist well beyond the shadows of the divorce.

              Good Luck!
              Tayken

              Comment


              • #22
                ...but what is a celebration without cake?!
                Cake Wrecks - Home - Ok, You Win. I'll Post the Divorce Cakes.

                LOL!! I totally get what you're saying..... and yep, got those covered.... the deep soul searching found the "why" and knowing who I am now, I'm confidently able to move forward... keep in mind.. my stbx and I are the odd ones ;P

                Happy 1st Day of Spring

                Comment


                • #23
                  Originally posted by cbarker78 View Post
                  ...but what is a celebration without cake?!
                  Cake Wrecks - Home - Ok, You Win. I'll Post the Divorce*Cakes.

                  LOL!! I totally get what you're saying..... and yep, got those covered.... the deep soul searching found the "why" and knowing who I am now, I'm confidently able to move forward... keep in mind.. my stbx and I are the odd ones ;P

                  Happy 1st Day of Spring
                  Actually, you are the "normal ones" as the majority of separations and divorces (90%) don't end up in a nightmare that is often described on this site.

                  Congratulations! (Honestly) Putting things forward in a positive way from the point of requesting separation and divorce to finalizing it is something that rarely people hear about. More needs to be written about the positive results of divorce... And I am not talking about the poorly written book "The Good Divorce".

                  Good Luck!
                  Tayken

                  Comment


                  • #24
                    Hopefully the "celebration" doesn't involve divorce cake and ranting about the previous partner with your friends.
                    I don't rant about my stbx's. I'm very unhappy with the way he's handled the divorce proceedings because he's caused a lot of unnecessary time/expense and said a lot of things in front of the kids that he shouldn't have. I also wished that we could have salvaged a more civil relationship for the sake of our children but I hold out hope that once the divorce is over, that still may happen...since moving out of the marital home, things have gotten better. I attribute a lot of my stbx's behavior on the fact that he's been somewhat gullible and his lawyer saw a chance to escalate conflict and thus get paid.

                    My relationship ending isn't a triumph...only an admission that I married young to a person who I was never really compatible with. We got what we could out of the union but it was over a long time ago. I'm definitely better off with a different type of partner and hopefully in time, he'll find someone in the same vein. I bear him no ill will. All human beings are searching for fulfillment and happiness and I truly hope he's able to find it.

                    What is a triumph is the way I feel about my life lately. I have a chance to meet life goals that I couldn't in marriage.

                    By the way, I didn't see Eat, Pray, Love...not my type of movie. I only watch movies where things are blowing up on the big screen in 3d...preferrably involving brain-eating zombies. I also don't read self-help books, take baths surrounded by candles, or attend poetry readings.

                    I also understand what you're saying about children but it doesn't apply to my situation. I fully support my stbx's relationship with the children and we seem to be doing pretty well in that regard.

                    I do appreciate the comments however Tayken..thank you.

                    Comment


                    • #25
                      Tayken...

                      Thank you for your comments, you helped clear things up for me as well as gave me some things to discuss with boyfriend...hopefully we can come to some agreement and be able to move on with our lives again. I'm hoping that worst case scenario I can get him to at least go back and talk to his lawyer, hopefully to also downplay someof his fears, as well as to start getting the papers ready to go.

                      I've read in a few places that he could file for divorce a year from the breakdown of the marriage, that the separation for a year standard is not strictly referring to living separate and apart from one another, that they could continue living under the same roof without legal separation papers because of kids or financial reasons etc. And still be considered separated. My guy lived with his ex for about 4 months after deciding to separate largely due to the kids being young and not wanting rush moving out, and because of finances, he didn't do much but sleep there or hang out with the kids, basically a place to crash...he can include this the one year, yes?

                      Comment


                      • #26
                        yes.... once you're no longer sharing a bedroom, and have discussed the separation, you are essentially separated.... my STBX and I separated 04/29/11 and I did not move out until the last week of August.... I am filing the divorce paperwork in 39 days ((but hey, who's counting)) LOL

                        Comment

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