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  • Helping Hand...

    Just a question for you all... When it comes to your ex's how much of a 'helping hand' do you offer?

    I ask because the last two drop offs with the kids the ex has had car troubles. Two weeks ago her car wouldn't start at the drop off location... Bf used our CAA to have the car towed home because they couldn't boost it. This past weekend her car wouldn't start again, so we boosted the car and then she locked the keys in her car...with it running...

    I ended up calling my mechanic friend who came from almost an hour away to unlock her car. she is now refusing to pay the bill for the service call of $50, meaning we either foot the bill or the mechanic goes without. He billed us because we also had our snow tires put on that night and we owe him for that.

    So the question... What would you do in this situation? Continuing helping or leave with the kids and let her know she can pick them up when she gets her car started? Obviously we can't leave the kids with her with a car that doesn't start, meaning they don't have heat.

    I usually don't mind helping but I don't want this to be a pattern and don't feel we should have to use up our CAA or foot all her bills. Am I totally wrong on this?

  • #2
    That's a challenge. Perhaps next time, instead of offering the CAA or mechanic, offer her a drive home, if feasible? Then she's on the hook for her own car repairs etc. If it's a simple boost and you can provide that, no biggie. But anything more than that I would say she's on her own for. Provide the mechanic's name as a referral and let her take the car there or call him - her call, her bill

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    • #3
      Originally posted by blinkandimgone View Post
      That's a challenge. Perhaps next time, instead of offering the CAA or mechanic, offer her a drive home, if feasible? Then she's on the hook for her own car repairs etc. If it's a simple boost and you can provide that, no biggie. But anything more than that I would say she's on her own for. Provide the mechanic's name as a referral and let her take the car there or call him - her call, her bill
      I don't know about this one. Offering her a ride home sets a precedent for her just calling up in the future and asking for the kids to be dropped off as the car still isn't repaired.

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      • #4
        Honestly, I don't believe you should ever help your ex, but especially in a situation such as what you describe. If the ex is not appreciative and willing to pay back, either in cash or in kind, then why the heck would you help someone like that?

        What you should do is help your kids. Just because they may happen to be with your ex doesn't mean shouldn't go above and beyond to make sure they are safe, comfortable, and can get where they need to go.

        In situations like you describe I would offer a lift, period. If she needs service, let her call someone and have it billed to her. The fact that you ended up getting billed was your mistake, as well as the mechanic's mistake. The mechanic should have billed her, and called a collection agency if necessary. (I understand you want to stay on good terms with the mechanic, but as far as the ethics of the situation, neither the ex nor the mechanic was handling it properly.)

        You made the choice to put yourself in a position to be used. It didn't work out for you, why encourage the ex to keep doing it? Because you know they will.

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        • #5
          I think it's kind of like loaning money. Don't lend money unless you can afford to not ever see it again.

          Good for you for helping someone out. I'd leave it at that and don't be so quick to offer her help in the future.

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          • #6
            Originally posted by Rioe View Post
            I don't know about this one. Offering her a ride home sets a precedent for her just calling up in the future and asking for the kids to be dropped off as the car still isn't repaired.
            You're probably right. I just never help anyone out ever so this whole idea is foreign to me!

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            • #7
              I would offer to call a taxi (in case her cell is not working either). Would I give a stranger my CAA? May be, in some extreme situations, but helping someone who has zero appreciation and just taking and never giving is a very bad idea.

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              • #8
                I agree with everyone... I guess our biggest issue is what to do with the kids. The meeting location is about half hour for us and 45min for her. I don't see how we can drop the kids with her and say goodbye... Feels as though we are leaving them in a situation they shouldn't have to be in. She just bought this car brand new 2 years ago so she doesn't have an old vehicle. We did 8 months of driving both ways a couple years ago when she was in a car accident, totalled her van and broke her leg in several places, she still attempts to get out of meeting us from time to time so offering the ride is just setting us up for more of that.

                Mess you are right, we never should have been billed and I know if I told my friend that she was refusing to pay he would take it off my bill, $50 is nothing because she would be paying a lot more than that for a tow truck. But next time we will let her figure it out. We will just have to stand our ground and let her know she needs to figure it out on her own.
                Last edited by Berner_Faith; 11-14-2013, 10:51 PM. Reason: typo

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                • #9
                  Approximately 6 months after separation my son's car wouldn't start and there was a large oil leak. The car was parked in an underground parking lot of the condo where we lived and the condo maintenance fellow was having a fit, threatening to fine us etc. A few months before this my ex had taken my son's car and given it to his g/f's son (nice father eh?). He was able to do this because the car was registered to him. (We always had our personal vehicles registered under my ex's name.) The matter was negotiated between lawyers and my ex had to give my son a car to replace the one he had given away. Yes even lawyers had to work that one out.

                  Anyhow, I panicked when the maintenance guy was banging on our door. I called my ex and told him what the problem was and he agreed to come over right away to look at the car and help us out. This was the first and last time I ever asked my ex for a favor.

                  When my ex arrived at our place he had his g/f with him. Just 6 weeks previous to this I had been in court defending myself against this crazy woman who had tried to have a peace bond put on me, saying that I threatened her. That whole issue was bunted out of court with an admonition for HER to stay away from me. So here we are a few months later with my ex and the nutty g/f in tow. I was pretty upset and said to him "xxx this is not appropriate." His response was "we just all have to get along." He then abruptly told the g/f to put her head under the hood of the car and proceeded to bark instructions at her. I was stunned that she did this. The car eventually did start and we took the car to a junk place a few days later.

                  I guess what I'm saying is that it was hard enough to have to call my ex and ask for his help but to have the g/f there was pretty awful. I didn't have a problem accepting his assistance but having her there with him, was just too much. I wonder, did she come along just to see me in a distressed situation? It was no secret that I am mechanically inept.

                  Unless you get some sort of perverse enjoyment out of making his ex squirm I really don't know why you would assist her. I don't know why your husband would even entertain the idea of letting you call your friend to help out his ex wife.

                  You see, you can look at this as simply you were very generous to help the woman out because the kids were in the car. Or, are you like my ex's g/f and just did it for shits and giggles and to have one over on her?

                  Just giving you an "ex wife's" perspective.

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                  • #10
                    I thank you for that side of the story but I feel our situations are vastly different. It wasn't until we got to the meeting spot we were told the car wouldn't start, she didn't call him before hand and ask for help. It was rainy, windy and cold, she was going to walk to the gas station 6 blocks away. I was the one who told him to offer her a ride as now the kids were getting upset. I have been in her situation where my van wouldn't start, it sucks. It wasn't about getting one over on her, it was about helping another human being and the mother of my step kids.

                    Unfortunately she was not grateful and next time we will have a different approach, even if that means bringing the kids back with us until she is able to find appropriate transportation.

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                    • #11
                      You are very generous. Hopefully she will have been humiliated like I was and will learn to handle things herself in the future. I know when I called my ex it was just out of habit. I also knew he always had that stuff in his pickup for large oil leaks (for semi tractor-trailers). When my ex and I went into the garage to tend to the car my ex pointed out that the oil leak was a non-issue. That made me look and feel even more pathetic.

                      Well I hope if I ever have a break down in inclement weather you are on the road! I do think it was very generous of you to help her out though and I'm sure you'd do it again. You can't help who you are - very decent caring person.

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                      • #12
                        And I guess that is my biggest fault, I get screwed over often by simply lending a helping hand. I just think how I would feel and need in a situation and try to be a good person. Most people are grateful, unfortunately not her

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                        • #13
                          Well, the oil leak was a non-issue for your ex, but it wasn't for your maintainence guy. I think made it a real issue.

                          It does sound like he brought the g/f because he needed 4 hands, and apparently she understood the instructions he was barking.

                          You should check if you have emergency auto service built into your credit card. I had long forgotten about this and just noticed I had it.

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                          • #14
                            Yes in hindsight I could have simply called one of the mechanics I knew. I guess I was more concerned about the supposed "huge" oil leak. When that happens with commercial vehicles it IS an emergency.

                            This is an example of adjustment after separation/divorce. I will admit I took my ex's mechanical skills for grated all the years we were married. There are many times I cursed because I simply didn't know how to do something that he always did.

                            I know my shortcomings and anything to do with vehicles is one of them. New vehicles with the 1-800 number is my preference.

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                            • #15
                              If this is becoming a pattern, it sounds like your choice is between a) helping your ex (and thereby rewarding/facilitating clueless behavior on her part) and b) taking a hard line by not assisting and letting her flail around. When you add the kids' well-being into the equation, I think the choice has to be a). This doesn't mean that you're a wonderful warm-hearted person or a patsy, it just means you have your priorities straight.

                              Do what you need to do to be sure the kids are warm, dry and taken care of, even if it means having to clean up some of the ex's messes. Whether she's grateful or not is irrelevant - it's not about doing her a favour, it's about looking after the kids.

                              (Going over and above what needs to be done for the kids' safety, like driving over to her place to fix her toaster or feed her hamster or something, is sucker behavior, unless you want to have a weird codependent enmeshment).

                              Comment

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