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  • #16
    I appreciate everyones input. And no one solution works for every kid or family. Dad knows it would be difficult to manage this relationship from several hours away and hes been doing what he can. They have a set schedule in the agreement for every other month one would travel to the other. Holidays are back and forth. From the beginning it was a hassle. They were always busy doing stuff with mom and he couldnt hammer down visits. Then they didnt like traveling. Then the older one got a job and he was told the younger one didnt like traveling alone. (I'll ignore that this argument always came from mom not kids.) In January, after a major hassle over christmas scheduling that stemmed from three screwed up visits during 2013, dad decided to ask mom for a set schedule of back and forth adhering to the agreement so everyone could make arrangements. She refused saying she cant make schedules for teenagers who have their own lives. Mom had the oldest back her up and she went after dad for bullying mom and being mean and not respecting they had lives. Then there was another screwed up visit where his lost $200 on non refundable bus tickets. And when he tries to get tough with mom, she pulls the "the kids are old enough to decide, you have to work with them". But the problem is, she doesnt encourage them to spend time with dad and actually interferes when hes with them (constant phone calls even when he has asked to turn the phones off).

    He has also done the "do things they are passionate about". He takes them shopping, to craft stores, to movies, etc. thats pretty much how they spend their time with him.

    His therapist also suggested he leave them to it. That he cant force them. That he has to keep the lines open and let them decide. But when he got the money request he implored his 14 yo to spend time with him. He was actually quite forceful reminding her she hadnt spent any time with him and hes her father. That was when she agreed to see him sunday (with moms approval) and then saturday too.

    Clearly I think whats going on is influence from mom. She keeps them busy, she controls the schedule, she constantly calls them to make sure theyre not having a good time. Sundays fiasco was completely moms fault. The kids were giving dad info they had from mom. He has a good day with his kids, they reconnect, he lavishes attention on them and suddenly the schedule she previously agreed to changes? And kid is at the mercy of mom because shes driving (the had to drop off his other daughter at school).

    Im just frustrated that this happens for every visit. He cant spend any quality time with them without this interference. And when he calls her on it, she plays the "theyre teenagers, i cant control them" bs and his kids dont want to upset mom. She has taught them to have no respect for him. Its been a learned behaviour since she doesnt respect have respect for him. He thought he could get through to his kids but even they dont care. His therapist and his lawyer said that this is what happens--parents use the kids against the other in divorce. He just has to wait it out until the can see it for themselves.

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    • #17
      Originally posted by rockscan View Post
      Clearly I think whats going on is influence from mom. She keeps them busy, she controls the schedule, she constantly calls them to make sure theyre not having a good time. Sundays fiasco was completely moms fault. The kids were giving dad info they had from mom. He has a good day with his kids, they reconnect, he lavishes attention on them and suddenly the schedule she previously agreed to changes? And kid is at the mercy of mom because shes driving (the had to drop off his other daughter at school).
      This is exactly why I don't advise leaving things in the hands of the child because it is the child who is being forced into distress by the mother's actions (meaning in short that it's not his fault) and by having the father withdraw from the situation by not insisting they spend time together (insisting to the mother; not the child) the child is all the more so forced into the middle where he has to choose sides. Potentially loosing his relationship with one parent in order pacify his cohabitation with the other...

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      • #18
        Originally posted by Janibel View Post
        Now there's something that we can agree on. The OP is clearly upset over this situation. I have raised a son (now 25) and there were times in his teens when I had to scratch my head and ask myself what planet he came from? I understand how sensitive/insecure they can be at that stage of life. Divorce just compounds the problems.

        Perhaps the Dad in this case could write a heartfelt letter to his kid/kids explaining how he feels - no guilt or pressure, just expressing how he would love to spend more time enjoying juniors' company.

        Sometimes the simplest solutions are the best?

        I was going to give my thoughts on this, and I did like where you were going in trying to have the child empathize with the father's situation; I'd have done it a little bit differently to ensure there was no possible way for the child to feel guilt (not because the father would attempt to make him feel guilt but the self inflicted guilt which the child could bring onto himself due to his perception that his actions are the cause of the father's feelings), rather I would instead suggest a way for the child to feel the feelings as if he were in same/similar shoes as the father, in a more positive way, but yes your principal is right- when a child is being "difficult" empathy can be a great way to bring about change.

        However, the child does not to seem to be the problem, as he does want/try to spend time with his father. It appears that this may be more so an act of parental alienation on the part of the mother, and that is something entirely different.

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        • #19
          Oh man. He poked the dragon. Partner hasnt spoken to his youngest in a week and a half since he reprimanded her for giving him false information that screwed up his dinner plans with him. Remember the visit came out of her asking him for money and he demanded a visit with the kids so she agreed and got moms permission. We still arent sure if mom knows about the money request or not but he wouldnt sell out his kid when defending his right to see her to mom.

          He emailed the ex basically reminding her of her obligation to provide access to communication so he can speak with his daughter. The ex has emailed back telling him that his choices are the reason why they have this problem.

          So does he ignore it as one of her bs games or does he call her on it. And by "it" i mean sharing details of communications with the oldest, telling the kids lies about him and allowing her family to slander him (all of that is actually a violation of their agreement), refusing to cooperate to schedule visits, denying access, monopolizing all vacation time preventing him from taking advantage of long weekends/school breaks, cutting off text plans/not replacing the computer for skype/not taking messages when he calls, interfering in visits through repeated phone calls that end up upsetting the kids etc. and also reminding her that as the custodial parent she has an obligation to encourage a healthy relationship?

          Im really sick of this woman and how she twists things to her advantage. Shes a gatekeeper and a control freak and manipulates the truth to her own advantage. The crap that has come out of these kids that we know she and her family have said breaks my heart.

          Now ill go try some of that frustration reducing stuff.

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          • #20
            I should also note hes got emails of her refusal to work together and took notes of convos with his kids when they said stuff to him that mom/family members said.

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            • #21
              *dinner plans with her*

              Stupid thumbs.

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              • #22
                He responded to her. Laid out all the bs shes been pulling for the last two years and all the lies shes been telling the kids. How much of a difference did it make? Oh she thought it was funny. She answered skype last night when he was calling his kid and he could hear her making comments about the email to her 14yo as she was passing off the computer. Then sat in the room making further comments during their conversation that she knew would piss him off.

                The good news is hes done feeling guilty about the statements made about him and what their lives are like with "no money". He said the next time they bitch about how hard done by they are, hes not going to freak out. His ex makes light whenever hes trying to be serious about his kids so why should he put any weight in things she tells him. She was so panicked about university costs and he still hasnt seen any receipts from s7 costs back in the spring. God she just flummoxes me.

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                • #23
                  Tough as it is you need to just turn on the " ignore" switch. My daughter has emails that change subject, ignore the actual issue of the original conversation and came back with something completely unrelated. She too eventually just laid out all the facts to her ex and told him if he was not happy then " send a letter to my lawyer"! Lol

                  She just ignores all the fluff and crazy stuff and focuses on the issue at hand and the terms of the agreement.

                  Any other accusations are just " singing in the wind". Replying to them gives them credibility so just ignore.

                  We feel your frustration though. Life should not be this frustrating.

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                  • #24
                    Beachnana, Im struggling with the ignore switch today. Ex's bs comments and interference just ticks me right off. He asked nicely for contact info for kid at uni since she is ignoring her dad. Of course the response doesnt include any contact info but mentions they chat by text. Then goes on about she doesnt have an updated address for him--she provided it to FRO though and its on his tax forms etc. and the whole response is an "i dont care what you said to me" attitude. He spent the night worried about them lying about university costs to FRO even when I told him they have to provide receipts or its fraud. My only hope is that if they do go back to court, she gets called on her antics.

                    Ok back to letting it go. Ohhmmmmmmm

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