I appreciate everyones input. And no one solution works for every kid or family. Dad knows it would be difficult to manage this relationship from several hours away and hes been doing what he can. They have a set schedule in the agreement for every other month one would travel to the other. Holidays are back and forth. From the beginning it was a hassle. They were always busy doing stuff with mom and he couldnt hammer down visits. Then they didnt like traveling. Then the older one got a job and he was told the younger one didnt like traveling alone. (I'll ignore that this argument always came from mom not kids.) In January, after a major hassle over christmas scheduling that stemmed from three screwed up visits during 2013, dad decided to ask mom for a set schedule of back and forth adhering to the agreement so everyone could make arrangements. She refused saying she cant make schedules for teenagers who have their own lives. Mom had the oldest back her up and she went after dad for bullying mom and being mean and not respecting they had lives. Then there was another screwed up visit where his lost $200 on non refundable bus tickets. And when he tries to get tough with mom, she pulls the "the kids are old enough to decide, you have to work with them". But the problem is, she doesnt encourage them to spend time with dad and actually interferes when hes with them (constant phone calls even when he has asked to turn the phones off).
He has also done the "do things they are passionate about". He takes them shopping, to craft stores, to movies, etc. thats pretty much how they spend their time with him.
His therapist also suggested he leave them to it. That he cant force them. That he has to keep the lines open and let them decide. But when he got the money request he implored his 14 yo to spend time with him. He was actually quite forceful reminding her she hadnt spent any time with him and hes her father. That was when she agreed to see him sunday (with moms approval) and then saturday too.
Clearly I think whats going on is influence from mom. She keeps them busy, she controls the schedule, she constantly calls them to make sure theyre not having a good time. Sundays fiasco was completely moms fault. The kids were giving dad info they had from mom. He has a good day with his kids, they reconnect, he lavishes attention on them and suddenly the schedule she previously agreed to changes? And kid is at the mercy of mom because shes driving (the had to drop off his other daughter at school).
Im just frustrated that this happens for every visit. He cant spend any quality time with them without this interference. And when he calls her on it, she plays the "theyre teenagers, i cant control them" bs and his kids dont want to upset mom. She has taught them to have no respect for him. Its been a learned behaviour since she doesnt respect have respect for him. He thought he could get through to his kids but even they dont care. His therapist and his lawyer said that this is what happens--parents use the kids against the other in divorce. He just has to wait it out until the can see it for themselves.
He has also done the "do things they are passionate about". He takes them shopping, to craft stores, to movies, etc. thats pretty much how they spend their time with him.
His therapist also suggested he leave them to it. That he cant force them. That he has to keep the lines open and let them decide. But when he got the money request he implored his 14 yo to spend time with him. He was actually quite forceful reminding her she hadnt spent any time with him and hes her father. That was when she agreed to see him sunday (with moms approval) and then saturday too.
Clearly I think whats going on is influence from mom. She keeps them busy, she controls the schedule, she constantly calls them to make sure theyre not having a good time. Sundays fiasco was completely moms fault. The kids were giving dad info they had from mom. He has a good day with his kids, they reconnect, he lavishes attention on them and suddenly the schedule she previously agreed to changes? And kid is at the mercy of mom because shes driving (the had to drop off his other daughter at school).
Im just frustrated that this happens for every visit. He cant spend any quality time with them without this interference. And when he calls her on it, she plays the "theyre teenagers, i cant control them" bs and his kids dont want to upset mom. She has taught them to have no respect for him. Its been a learned behaviour since she doesnt respect have respect for him. He thought he could get through to his kids but even they dont care. His therapist and his lawyer said that this is what happens--parents use the kids against the other in divorce. He just has to wait it out until the can see it for themselves.
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