Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

Purposely not bringing kids to activities

Collapse
X
 
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • #16
    Some of you might recall a thread a few years back (4?) where the mother of 2 boys was insistent on attending EVERYTHING her kids did. The father would take kids on a ski trip (to neighboring province no less) and yep, Mom would show up. She too would make a big production of hugs and kisses at end of ski lessons and other sports.

    This situation is quite mild compared to ski bunny mommy but there is one constant: parent doesn't see anything wrong and, of course, attending an event without making one's presence known is not in the cards.

    Comment


    • #17
      this is stupid. like everyone else has said....

      stop going on her weekends.

      my kids pre-k christmas concert fell on my ex's parenting time. It is the BEST thing ever, and I would be gutted if I couldn't go. That being said- I asked if I could attend. I did not assume I'd be allowed to go, or even that I *should* be allowed to go. And I have full custody and primary residence. It doesn't matter about custody and access and if you have 50/50, blah blah blah. It was his parenting time, that means I butt out. (side note: he asked me to take her instead and refused to attend....)

      stop making this about you. it's about your kids. your ex doesn't want to see you. You are not entitled to be there when it's not your parenting time.
      Last edited by iona6656; 01-27-2020, 12:52 PM.

      Comment


      • #18
        I'm going to mildly disagree.

        We all agree that parent's do not get to dictate where the kids go during the ex's parenting time. If Dad's ex does not want to bring the kids to activities for any reason whatsoever, that is entirely her prerogative. If he wants her to bring the kids to activities, he can negotiate with her (and part of the deal might very well be that he does not attend) but he cannot force the issue.

        That said, I think that parents have the right to attend public events even when it is not their parenting time.

        A non-exhaustive list:

        1) School concerts
        2) Parent nights
        3) Sports games
        4) Sports practices
        5) Dance shows (in which the kids are dancing)
        6) Music concerts (in which the kids are playing)
        7) Plays (in which the kids have a role)


        I would attend any of the above during the parenting time of my ex, and I would not ask for permission. I would expect that my ex could attend any of the above, and not have to ask for my permission.

        I'll be honest, I like it better when she doesn't show, but she often shows. That said, I email her about all dates because I know the kids like it when we are both there.

        Originally posted by iona6656 View Post
        stop making this about you. it's about your kids. your ex doesn't want to see you. You are not entitled to be there when it's not your parenting time.
        He is certainly not entitled to dictate where the kids will be. However, he is absolutely entitled to be wherever he wants when it is not his parenting time.

        Now, is it a good plan to antagonize a mother who clearly hates the father more than she loves the kids? Possibly not. However, I don't think that the father here is categorically wrong. The mother will likely relent eventually, and then the kids will get the best of both worlds. They will go to activities, and the parents will be there!

        Comment


        • #19
          Originally posted by Janus View Post
          I would attend any of the above during the parenting time of my ex, and I would not ask for permission. I would expect that my ex could attend any of the above, and not have to ask for my permission.

          I'll be honest, I like it better when she doesn't show, but she often shows. That said, I email her about all dates because I know the kids like it when we are both there.
          See you kinda contradicted yourself here...if you email her it's not exactly asking permission but it's a polite (as it can be) heads up that you will be there- or she can/should be there.

          If his ex is not bringing the kids, then it IS causing an issue and he should pull back because it's not his parenting time. Mind you- that's my opinion.

          Also- you are farther ahead than the OP. As am I to some extent...at the beginning when tensions are still high and feelings still hurt and raw for the parents- it's better to take the "step back" approach. Let everyone settle down. If you know your presence is going to cause tension- ease up for a bit. It doesn't mean you are setting this precedent that can NEVER be changed.

          It feels like the OP is worried about what his not attending is saying to his kids. He wants to be a good dad. He wants to be there- so they KNOW he's there. It's about his *feelings*.....

          Comment


          • #20
            Originally posted by iona6656 View Post
            See you kinda contradicted yourself here...if you email her it's not exactly asking permission but it's a polite (as it can be) heads up that you will be there- or she can/should be there.
            I read that section as Janus informing the ex of activities occurring during his time with the children, so that she may come if she chooses. That he doesn't otherwise ask permission for events happening on her time, because why?

            I attend all of my daughters dance competitions and recitals. I don't go to practice. That said, practice is behind closed doors and parents are not allowed to watch. I likely wouldn't anyway as I see her dances a lot otherwise.

            Because of all of the activities my daughter has been involved in, I see both sides of the coin. There are certain this that I would for sure attend, like competitions. But I wouldn't bother with practice. That just seems overboard. I would invite my ex to specific activities if there was something special our daughter was doing, and my ex would vice versa. But everything? Nah, that just screams insecurity.

            Comment


            • #21
              Originally posted by HammerDad View Post
              I read that section as Janus informing the ex of activities occurring during his time with the children, so that she may come if she chooses. That he doesn't otherwise ask permission for events happening on her time, because why?
              Yes, exactly that. I inform her to let her choose for events during my time. I do not ask for permission or give her notice that I am attending events on her time.

              Honestly, it never even occurred to me to ask for permission. My attendance has nothing to do with my ex at all.

              I attend all of my daughters dance competitions and recitals. I don't go to practice.
              I do the same. If a practice is happening during her time, I'm not that interested in attending. I will attend most competitions and recitals though.

              Comment


              • #22
                Hi Folks,

                Certainly good debate and conversation in this thread. I must say that I fully adopt the statements of Janus. It is interesting though as nobody knows the full facts, and every case is different. Everyone thinks their case is "special". I can assure you I am not one of those. I am simply trying to navigate difficult waters.

                What I can say is that my Separation Agreement AND Court Order both outline that BOTH parents may attend extracurricular activities, religious functions, school functions, recitals, etc. Now would I go to practice when its behind closed doors? Absolutely not. Would I sit in the stands if I can observe a competition? Yup! And by no means am I like Snow Bunny where its theatrics at the end where I jump into their arms and hug and kiss as though the world is ending. Its a simple "Great job guys, have a great day". If stuff like that wasn't in there, the kids would miss out on having dad supporting and encouraging them. My case involved serious alienation from the mother so the judge insisted stuff like that be included in our terms.

                As for the relationship with the ex? We are oil and water. She tried hard to keep the kids to herself and is now angry that she has to share. There's nothing more to it. Her arguments lack logic and are often non-sense. Constant double-standards with her, but whatever, you cannot change crazy.

                Comment


                • #23
                  What is the realistic end goal that both spouses could accept?

                  Comment


                  • #24
                    Originally posted by StevenS View Post
                    What is the realistic end goal that both spouses could accept?
                    Not sure what you mean? Cordiality is the end goal. She has her time, I have mine, and where our paths cross at events or games, we can be comfortable in having the other person there whereby the kids don't feel any tension whatsoever between mom and dad.

                    Comment


                    • #25
                      A judge recently commented in a conference that the court cannot force someone to stop being a jerk. What is best for the children here? Is it to avoid conflict no matter who you think is to blame? I do not go to my kids activities when they are not with me and neither does she when they are with me. I had hoped we would be one of those divorced couples that could truly collaborate, but I was very naive to think the dysfunction would end with a separation agreement.

                      Comment


                      • #26
                        “Your children have come into this world because of the two of you. Perhaps you two made lousy choices as to whom you decided to be the other parent. If so, that s your problem and your fault. No matter what you think of the other party – or what your family thinks of the other parent – these children are one-half of each of you. Remember that, because every time you tell your child what an idiot their father is, or what a fool their mother is, or how bad the other parent is, or what terrible things that person has done, you are telling the child half of him or her is bad. That is an unforgivable thing to do to a child. That is not love. That is possession. If you do that to your children, you will destroy them as surely as if you had cut them into pieces, because that is what you are doing to their emotions. I sincerely hope that you do not do that to your children. Think more about your children and less about yourselves, and makes yours a selfless kind of love, not foolish or selfish, or your children will suffer” Justice Hayes, Minnesota Family Court

                        Comment


                        • #27
                          Originally posted by Abba435 View Post
                          “Your children have come into this world because of the two of you. Perhaps you two made lousy choices as to whom you decided to be the other parent. If so, that s your problem and your fault. No matter what you think of the other party – or what your family thinks of the other parent – these children are one-half of each of you. Remember that, because every time you tell your child what an idiot their father is, or what a fool their mother is, or how bad the other parent is, or what terrible things that person has done, you are telling the child half of him or her is bad. That is an unforgivable thing to do to a child. That is not love. That is possession. If you do that to your children, you will destroy them as surely as if you had cut them into pieces, because that is what you are doing to their emotions. I sincerely hope that you do not do that to your children. Think more about your children and less about yourselves, and makes yours a selfless kind of love, not foolish or selfish, or your children will suffer” Justice Haas, Minnesota Family Court
                          Thank you so much for this. It is a very powerful statement that we should all keep in mind. I am going to build a reminder into my calendar to read this first thing in the morning on each day I begin parenting time.

                          I searched the body text and found it. https://rblfamilylaw.com/co-parentin...-blunt-advice/
                          The judge’s name is incorrect in the post above, corrected in my quote. Turns out this powerful advice has been widely published in books and Anne Landers advice column.
                          1994, in Cass County, Minnesota, now retired Judge Michael Haas
                          Last edited by UnderPressure; 02-23-2020, 08:38 AM. Reason: Found original reference and correction

                          Comment


                          • #28
                            This should be required reading for anyone with children.
                            I make it a point to build their mother up no matter what she says about me.
                            I keep the adult conflict away from them completely.
                            But she slanders me regularly and in their presence.

                            Get this.
                            She is suing me for sole custody (see my other posts) and one of their exhibits is an email I sent to the school when there was a behaviour problem saying that I respected her expertise in the matter because she is a licensed therapist that specializes in family breakdown.
                            IMAGINE THAT!

                            Comment


                            • #29
                              Originally posted by Abba435 View Post
                              A judge recently commented in a conference that the court cannot force someone to stop being a jerk. What is best for the children here? Is it to avoid conflict no matter who you think is to blame? I do not go to my kids activities when they are not with me and neither does she when they are with me. I had hoped we would be one of those divorced couples that could truly collaborate, but I was very naive to think the dysfunction would end with a separation agreement.
                              Our parenting plan says both parents have the right to attend all activities. And I misspoke, I do attend their school concerts etc and sometimes sports but I think it is fair to respect her time with the kids. Never any issues, just chilly despite my attempts to keep things warm. The legal issues spill over. No sympathy required. Just sayin.

                              Comment


                              • #30
                                Agreed. My parenting plan says same thing. Both parents have the right to attend all activities. Does that mean I will be "over the top" at these things like Snow Bunny (previously referenced)? Nope. At the end, its a quick hug on the sidelines and tell them to have a great day. The issue at hand is that the ex doesn't want me seeing the kids "more" than my scheduled days, and for that reason, she purposely finds excuses to not bring the kids to activities on her days.

                                Comment

                                Our Divorce Forums
                                Forums dedicated to helping people all across Canada get through the separation and divorce process, with discussions about legal issues, parenting issues, financial issues and more.
                                Working...
                                X