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  • Parent not supporting relationship...

    So this has been going on for sometime now that the ex wife has been less than supporting of the relationship the children have with their father.

    Last weekend we had the children and S9 was upset he had to go back to mom's, she we talked about how he had school and we would see him the next weekend for our first Christmas party. He then told me that he gets excited when he comes to our place and his mom always asks him 'why do you hate me?' when he gets excited.

    Dad picked up the kids Friday night and he asked what they did for Mommy on her birthday (as the kids asked if he remembered it was her birthday) and they said not much. Then S9 says guess what Mommy asked for us too get her for her birthday. Dad was told that Mom told the children that she didn't want to hear them talk about Dad or I at all that day. S9 told Mom that was silly and Mom responded that it was important to her that they don't talk about us.

    The kids were very upset at this as every time they mentioned either of us mom would tell them they must hate her.


    Obviously there is nothing we can do to stop Mom from talking this way but what else can we say to the children without it seeming like we are coming down on Mom?

  • #2
    Originally posted by Berner_Faith View Post
    So this has been going on for sometime now that the ex wife has been less than supporting of the relationship the children have with their father.

    Last weekend we had the children and S9 was upset he had to go back to mom's, she we talked about how he had school and we would see him the next weekend for our first Christmas party. He then told me that he gets excited when he comes to our place and his mom always asks him 'why do you hate me?' when he gets excited.

    Dad picked up the kids Friday night and he asked what they did for Mommy on her birthday (as the kids asked if he remembered it was her birthday) and they said not much. Then S9 says guess what Mommy asked for us too get her for her birthday. Dad was told that Mom told the children that she didn't want to hear them talk about Dad or I at all that day. S9 told Mom that was silly and Mom responded that it was important to her that they don't talk about us.

    The kids were very upset at this as every time they mentioned either of us mom would tell them they must hate her.

    Obviously there is nothing we can do to stop Mom from talking this way but what else can we say to the children without it seeming like we are coming down on Mom?
    That's a tough one, and I am lucky I can't give you advice from personal experience. When my kids talk about their dad and his common-law (and not even a subsequent relationship - this is the affair partner that destroyed the marriage, so I'm sure you can understand I don't particularly want to hear about them) I just nod and listen, tell them I'm glad they had fun, and change the subject as soon as I can fit it in smoothly.

    The mom in your situation doesn't have the emotional fortitude to do the same. She wants the kids to respect her feelings of not wanting to hear anything, but they are too young to fully understand or hold back. Then she is hurt that they haven't respected her feelings, and in her pain, she attributes malice to them when it isn't there.

    I think the best you can do is to make sure that the kids understand that she's reacting from hurt feelings leftover from something that has nothing to do with them. It's hard for kids to understand that they people they love and who love them don't automatically all love one another too. You can suggest they answer with something like "We don't hate you, we love you. We just also love dad and can't help talking about him sometimes and being excited to see him." You can explain to them that she doesn't like reminders of her hurt feelings about their father, which is why she asked for a day without reminders on her birthday, but that she doesn't mean she really believes the children hate her when they forget.

    It's not coming down on her necessarily, it's just explaining that people handle hurt feelings in different ways. Their mother likes to not think about it. It's not that she believes the children hate her. What she hates is being reminded about her hurt feelings, and she's saying it wrong.

    Or she may just be emotionally manipulating them, which sucks, but you have to react the same.

    Sadly, as they get older, kids learn to compartmentalize, and they will get better at not mentioning their dad around their mom.

    The related problem that I did have, was that my kids' dad instructed them NOT to talk about him or his common-law to me. Then, when something slipped out in their excitement, they got guilty looks and felt bad about hurting my feelings. It has taken much reinforcement from me to assure them that I am a grownup and can handle my feelings, I am absolutely willing to always listen to what they have to say, and they never need to feel they should keep anything secret from me. At this point I should confess that this necessary emotional fortitude was developed in great part due to what I learned from this forum.

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    • #3
      I think what you're saying is good. Mom has the problem and its an unreasonable one. My mother pulled crap like that with us about my fathers gf. He had been having an affair with her so it was part of the difficulty in understanding but my mother was still being unreasonable. Believe it or not she STILL has issues with us having relationships with him and we're all over the age of 30.

      With my current partner, the divorce was after almost two decades of unhappiness (and ex kicked him out while he was ill). There was no other person, he finally gave her what she had been asking for--a divorce. He was single for three years before we met. Hasnt made any difference. Mom moved her campaign against dad to include me. His kids are teens and they still repeat bs comments made by mom that are stupid and hurtful. All we do is reassure them of how dad feels and what my role is in DADS life not theirs.

      The best you can do is just remind them that you have no ill feelings toward mom and that its unfortunate that this is happening. Maybe encourage them to not talk so much about what goes on with dad and you. If its worth talking to mom about it do but she sounds high conflict so might not be worth it. The kids just need to know that moms issues are her issues not the kids. Shes being terribly unfair about something that hurts them. Its a really unfortunate situation and I hope the kids know theyre not wrong for discussing things.

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      • #4
        A couple of useful lines:

        "I'm sorry Mom feels like that. It sounds like she was having a bad day". Then change the subject.

        "I don't understand why Mom said that, but sometimes we just don't know why people feel the way they do". Then change the the subject.

        I think the thing you want to avoid is discussing Mom with the kids, esp. if you're Dad's new partner. Remember also that nine-year-olds are not the most accurate reporters - Mom may not actually have said that. I think the best strategy is receive the information neutrally, make a little bit of a sympathetic sound, and then move on. Unless what's going on at Mom's house is really egregious, your time with the kids should not be spent "processing" their relationship with their mother.

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        • #5
          Originally posted by stripes View Post
          A couple of useful lines:

          "I'm sorry Mom feels like that. It sounds like she was having a bad day". Then change the subject.

          "I don't understand why Mom said that, but sometimes we just don't know why people feel the way they do". Then change the the subject.

          I think the thing you want to avoid is discussing Mom with the kids, esp. if you're Dad's new partner. Remember also that nine-year-olds are not the most accurate reporters - Mom may not actually have said that. I think the best strategy is receive the information neutrally, make a little bit of a sympathetic sound, and then move on. Unless what's going on at Mom's house is really egregious, your time with the kids should not be spent "processing" their relationship with their mother.

          Good suggestions.

          I agree that 9 year olds are not always the best source for information, however we do check his ipod, as he chats over bbm with his friends and Mom and Dad wants to make monitor his internet use and such. Some of the messages between him and Mom are rather sad. Dad nor I have ever said anything to him nor Mom about it. But the text messages say things along the lines of "I hate when you are at Daddy's", "I cry myself to sleep when you are at Daddy's", "I can't wait for you to come home from Daddy's" and the one from this past week was "You go back to Daddy's next weekend and then I don't have to send you there until after Christmas, I am excited"

          The sons responses are usually short and he just tells her he misses Daddy or he will be home Sunday or something like that. We have had to limit his time on his ipod as whenever he is hooked up to the wifi the text messages and facetime are constant.

          That's a tough one, and I am lucky I can't give you advice from personal experience. When my kids talk about their dad and his common-law (and not even a subsequent relationship - this is the affair partner that destroyed the marriage, so I'm sure you can understand I don't particularly want to hear about them) I just nod and listen, tell them I'm glad they had fun, and change the subject as soon as I can fit it in smoothly.
          This is what we do too. The kids talk about Mom all the time and despite how we may feel about her, we allow them to talk freely about her, they know they can call her whenever they want, whether they are with Dad or just me. They love both their parents and who are we to try and diminish the relationship they have with their mother?

          The sad thing his, the 9 year old is getting to the age where he realizes what is going on and she is going to be pushing him away by attempting to guilt him when he is with us. I just feel for the children, as they do not deserve to be put through that, they are sad when these things happen. No one wants to see their children sad.

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          • #6
            Ugh, sorry to hear about Mom's guilt-inducing texts. When my kid is at her father's, I text her only once a day and always try to put something positive in, like "I hope you're having a great day" or "I hope you have fun with Dad on the weekend" - as well as telling her some little bit of news from my place (the cat did something funny, here's a silly video clip I thought you'd like). My feelings (including missing her) are my responsibility - not hers to manage.

            S9 is probably going to be dealing with this stuff with Mom for a loooong time, so the sooner he gets into the habit of being polite and respectful to Mom but not letting the emotional dynamics take up too much of his time, the better.

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            • #7
              We were 13, 11 and 9 when my parents split and we would come home from afternoon visits with my dad to find my mom passed out on the bathroom floor from anxiety. I can tell you that for my brother (at 9) it destroyed him to see her like that.

              Stripes' lines are great. As long as kid knows that its ok to love dad and spend time with dad and be happy with dad he'll be ok. The three of us carried that guilt of upsetting mom by spending time with dad until we were well into our 20s and that was AFTER we stopped the visits to protect moms feelings. Its really unfair to say this stuff to them. Mom doesnt realize the damage shes potentially doing.

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              • #8
                It's unfair to put that kind of preassure on a kid. The kid's already torn from trying to figure out what went wrong.

                Parents need to learn to separate their own conflicts from what's going on in their kid's lives.

                My kids love my ex's new partner. I fully support that bond. She sound's like a good person who cares about my kids. Judging from what they tell me she is alot like me...lol.

                Maybe suggest that the kids write about all their experiences in a diary or journal. Over sharing can be a problem especially if the ex is still "attached" to the failed marriage.

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                • #9
                  Originally posted by wantmyfreedom View Post
                  It's unfair to put that kind of preassure on a kid. The kid's already torn from trying to figure out what went wrong.

                  Parents need to learn to separate their own conflicts from what's going on in their kid's lives.

                  My kids love my ex's new partner. I fully support that bond. She sound's like a good person who cares about my kids. Judging from what they tell me she is alot like me...lol.

                  Maybe suggest that the kids write about all their experiences in a diary or journal. Over sharing can be a problem especially if the ex is still "attached" to the failed marriage.
                  I fully supported my kids bond with my ex's new husband. He would like to be my FB friend, and I haven't gone that far, but they like him and he seems a decent guy, and scary to say, a lot like me - work in same field, same height, similar background, grew up less than a 100 kms from each other.

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                  • #10
                    Originally posted by wantmyfreedom View Post
                    It's unfair to put that kind of preassure on a kid. The kid's already torn from trying to figure out what went wrong.

                    Parents need to learn to separate their own conflicts from what's going on in their kid's lives.

                    My kids love my ex's new partner. I fully support that bond. She sound's like a good person who cares about my kids. Judging from what they tell me she is alot like me...lol.

                    Maybe suggest that the kids write about all their experiences in a diary or journal. Over sharing can be a problem especially if the ex is still "attached" to the failed marriage.
                    Thank you.

                    The ex seems to go back and forth with her emotions. There are times were she will text me and talk about the kids, thank me for being there for the kids, there are times she is great with Dad and totally flexible and then there are times where she is totally opposite and she has a hate on for the both of us. Honestly, how she feels about us is irrelevant, she can hate us all she wants, our concerns are the children. It doesn't seem to affect D6 as much as it does S9, but he is a really sensitive little boy.

                    I am sure everyone feels the same, but it is so hard to see the children upset.

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                    • #11
                      Originally posted by DowntroddenDad View Post
                      I fully supported my kids bond with my ex's new husband. He would like to be my FB friend, and I haven't gone that far, but they like him and he seems a decent guy, and scary to say, a lot like me - work in same field, same height, similar background, grew up less than a 100 kms from each other.
                      I hear a lot of people say the new partners are a lot like them, but I can honestly say her and I are totally opposite and she has admitted that as well. Not to put anyone down, but I come from a wonderful family, obtained my education and work in the same company I have since 2008 (which was one of my first jobs). She has no education and goes from factory to factory, but my partner was the same when we first met, no education and he worked dead end jobs (through a placement agency). It took us a couple years to get him where he is today.

                      Our success should have no impact on her. Despite working factory, she made more than the two of us put together up until last year. Now together we make about $10k more than her and that is because of my promotion.

                      We all do what we can for the children and I just hope for her sake that she doesn't push her children away because she seems more focused on what they say about us, than anything else.

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                      • #12
                        Dr. Phil does some great articles about assigning your child a job, the job of being a parent's emotional support and the impact it can have on kids. I would link some articles but can't at the moment, but strongly suggest googling them to get a better understanding. It sounds like this is what mom is doing here.

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                        • #13
                          Originally posted by Berner_Faith View Post
                          I hear a lot of people say the new partners are a lot like them, but I can honestly say her and I are totally opposite and she has admitted that as well. Not to put anyone down, but I come from a wonderful family, obtained my education and work in the same company I have since 2008 (which was one of my first jobs). She has no education and goes from factory to factory, but my partner was the same when we first met, no education and he worked dead end jobs (through a placement agency). It took us a couple years to get him where he is today.

                          Our success should have no impact on her. Despite working factory, she made more than the two of us put together up until last year. Now together we make about $10k more than her and that is because of my promotion.

                          We all do what we can for the children and I just hope for her sake that she doesn't push her children away because she seems more focused on what they say about us, than anything else.
                          I hear ya. On the flipside my current partner's ex wife hates me and trash talks me to the kids and anyone else who will care to listen to her. I dont care either way though. There are certain things I have no control over.

                          She's damaging her own relationship with her own kids by injecting hate into their lives.

                          Same thing here. We are the polar opposites. In appearance, education level, and career.

                          At the end of the day all we can really do is be compassionate and be loving to our kids.

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                          • #14
                            Im the complete opposite of the ex and actually have a pile of things in common with the kids. Which is a sticking point with her and probably part of the reason she pitches a fit over the kids spending time with me. Its also hard on my partner because a lot of the things I do or say are genuine but with her it had strings attached or caused issues. Right down to gifts. It has been a struggle just to get him to put aside 20 years of abuse but we're doing it. Hes struggling more with his kids sharing their mothers view of me. I would prefer she not confuse them emotionally the way she does. I have ZERO desire to be their step mother or steal them away from her. I know what its like to go through this ugliness and I would NEVER play a role in encouraging it.

                            I just keep reminding him that her campaign of terror will end eventually and she'll only be left with her negativity (like my mother) he just has to work through the difficulties of not seeing or speaking to his kids for a while. Hes luckier than most parents, he had 15 years with his kids where some parents lose them much younger.

                            Many many many people dont realize how hard it is on the kids. Testing of the loyalties, worrying about upsetting mommy or daddy, keeping everyone happy, being a good kid, and then all the other growing up angst.

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                            • #15
                              Originally posted by blinkandimgone View Post
                              Dr. Phil does some great articles about assigning your child a job, the job of being a parent's emotional support and the impact it can have on kids. I would link some articles but can't at the moment, but strongly suggest googling them to get a better understanding. It sounds like this is what mom is doing here.
                              I will look this up. Thanks Blink!

                              Comment

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