When to see my lawyer?

[hubby]

Well, as many of you are aware, my spouse is busily having the seperation agreement drafted and finalized as of two days ago.

She became upset when I had looked at the second draft and said 'That I would be served' in time.

It was at this point that I realized she wanted to go with Joint custody as opposed to Shared custody to which we had agreed.

She has spent $$$ getting this done ... I guess my question is, "At what point should I be seeing my lawyer?"

Hubby

[today]

It would appear your x has an agenda that you may not be privy to, answer to your question. YESTERDAY.

[logicalvelocity]

I would say yesterday or on learning that your spouse had retained a lawyer.

I wouldn't sign anything without consulting with a independent lawyer. Moreover, I wouldn't accept anything less than a joint shared custody regime for the children and if circumstances permit shared time, shared holidays, etc

I think back to when my world went crumbling down, And I can say honestly that if shared joint custody regime was not an option, then I definitely would of asked for sole custody for this reason alone, I am just a capable, and willing to look after our child as is his mother.

lv

[hubby]

Read her second draft, her lawyer stated he has not heard word from my lawyer but notes that I did make notes on the draft accepting nothing less that shared 50/50 custody.

Now her lawyer not hearing form mine, cause I have not retained one, does not constitute agreement with the seperation agreement, correct?

Her lawyer stated that it would have to go to court to have em decide 'custody' of children. What are my chances - given no abuse history and such?

Going to court could poetentially cost what???

Thank you brother and sisters ...

Hubby

[Grace]

Hubby

Hubby, not to worry you haven't been served yet so you do have a bit of time. I suggest you retainer a lawyer ASAP. Be very careful who you choose. By not having a lawyer right now does in no way constitute an agreement with her drafted separation agreement.

As far as court costs, we shouldn't be swapping stories because our cases are so different but I went for a custody/access motion (with no case conference) and the Judge ordered a temporary interim interim order for custody & access, yes they used those words. I'd say it cost about $15,000, this included drafting of an affidavit and court time. I litigate with Toronto lawyers and they may be a bit more expensive than Ottawa Lawyers.

God Bless
Grace

[Grace]

Oops should have also mentioned that I got $5,000 back in "court costs" on that motion, so it costs me $10,000.

[today]

Hubby,

I've read your posts since you started, I agree with lv. Shared custody all the way, you come arcross as one of the most child centered persons I've seen, your children deserve your involvement as much as possible IMO, an access parent is really nothing more than a visitor in thier childrens lives.

As far as costs are concerned I think most of us who have been through it already would agree depends on the other parent, it sure can get ugly and expensive really fast, sorry that is not yhr answer you would like but probably accurate.

[logicalvelocity]

Hubby,

I suspect your spouse does not really want to go to court and would rather settle in an amicable way. However, if there is no movement then you don't really have any other choice but to go to court and litigate or give in to her demands.

You must have your own feelings why you want joint shared custody. If the matter does go to court, I would ask right from the get go for sole custody and subsequently failing that - joint custody.

lv

[hubby]

I've given this some thought.

In life, the people that take the risks are the ones that on average enjoy the rewards it has to offer.

I want my marriage to somehow survive this.

See, the way I see it, its all (marriage intact) or nothing (sole custody for her). I do not wish to become a 'visitor' in the lives of our kids, nor do I wish to only be a part of their lives and remain in suffering. There is NO in between for me. It's we are a family or we are not!

So the risk I take and I know this is HUGE, I give her soul custody, pay what I must and have absolutely NO contact. My chance I'm taking is that the stress of raising 3 kids and NO contact from me will help 'jolt' reality into her?

I know that I am beginning to fill with anxiety and anger at times, I go to the gym and work out like I've never worked out but do realize that these emotions are being caused by the stress of divorce that is external to me. The only way to deal with external stress .... is to start making decisions ... good or bad I must live with the consequences.

If the 'jolt' does not work, then my risk is I loose my family and must rebuild my life from scratch with some other woman. However, if the 'jolt' works ... then I have my family back.

It's like Abraham sacrificing his son for God at the Alter ... I am sacrificing all that I love in this world ... is it a big risk, yes ... but I will die trying!!!

I'm just doing my best to hold it together ...

I dunno ....

Lord help me!

Hubby :cry

[Grace]

Hubby,

Think some more on this, I think your just having a really bad day. Speaking from a women's persective beleive me this will not "jolt" her into reality. I would rather see you try a trial separation, but keep actively involved in the kids lives. If you go the NO contact route, is this fair to the children NO. This will cause cause more damage than good.

This is not the route to take,
Grace

[logicalvelocity]

Hubby,

Your children need you even more now! You have attempted to come to terms in an amicable fashion with your spouse. You have a stumbled on a few road blocks along the road. The time is very stressful and confusing.

If your spouse doesn't want to settle then you have no other route than to litigate. I wouldn't just walk away. This would really hurt your children. Your spouse may get what she wants, but your children will lose a parent and father.

Litigation can add more stress to the mix, but at least you will know that you honestly tried to preserve your current relationship with your children.

Most cases settle something to the effect 97% before they make trial. I suspect your circumstance will never see trial. You have to remember that it is also stressful for the other side but may appear currently strong ie: they have a lawyer backing them. Have you considered retaining a lawyer such as Jeff, to take away some of the stress and help you focus on preserving your relationship with your children.

lv

[hubby]

Grace and LV,

When I mean given some though ....

1. I do not speak French and as such, my ability to help my kids is greatly diminished and to hire a tutor to assist will put more financial strain on an already weakened financial position for me. She at least has the ability to help the kids in their tongue.

2. She's had it easy the last few months ... I've busted my chops thinking of ways to salvage our marriage, helping with the kids to the point whereby I was a single parent ... cooking and putting away the dish's , ironing their cloths, feeding em breakfast, taking care of the bills in the house, buying the groceries ... I've stretched myself and have spent money on the family as if we were not seperated.

3. Do I just take my new found freedom of time, try and better my career and be able to provide more, financially for them - provided she has soul custody?

4. Do I take this to court and spend $$$ fighting for shared custody ... it's apparent, her decision is base largely on $$$ but right now, until the kids can reach a certain maturity level for school, I would not really be of help to em.

5. With every second weekend, I'm paying close to the full child support amounts! How'd her lawyer figure that out .. I dunno.

6. If I become every other weekend dad ... with contact with my spouse, I may grow to resent her even more? I dont want that.

You know, in life, there were many times that my intuition told me to do one thing and I did another and the outcomes was not so great.

My intuition tells me, to give her the kids and support em best I can and start a 'new' life ... it's really difficutl to explain.

I'm battling so many fronts -- anxiety, stress, keeping family together ... you know, I"m at the point -- I'm looking at my life and where I want to go, I dunno, maybe its Mid Life Crisis of somethin' !

Am I having a bad day, it would appear so!

Hubby

[trueblue]

Hubster,it is okay to search for answers

You and your wife are separating and it hurts like nothing else on this earth for most people but can you just imagine the shock and hurt that your children feel now...will feel in the future as a result of the 2 halves of themselves being seperated geographically/physically, and never mind psycologically as well. No, you will get past this jolt idea in my opinion and concentrate on your ongoing responsibilities and obligations to the innocents that you helped bring in to this world. This is not of your childrens doing,they need you way more now than they did when the family was intact if you were an involved parent. Love,nurturing,care and guidance is just as important as food shelter and clothing.
You have such an abundance to offer and share with your kids why on earth should this be denied them.(your father walk is never ended with financial support,that is where it begins only the first step)

Put aside the jolt theory and think about the serenity prayer.

Forgive me but the jolt theory reeks of having some kind of attempt at controlling an outcome you are not solely in charge of. You are now going through all the emotions we mortals go through as was suggested to you at the start many months ago when you surmised by post your means to bypass Elisabeth Kubler-Ross steps of loss and grieving (denial,shame,bargaining,guilt,acceptance, anger etc.)

[hubby]

Trueblue,

Thanks for the reminder, I could not understand where the anxiety and anger were bubbling up from ... thanks for reminding me that it would appear that I am entering the end phase of the grievance process.

Oh, thanks everyone, sometimes I do not have the strength to lift myself up ... thank God for all your thoughts and inspiration to help me go on fighting.

Blessing to you all!

Hubby

[trueblue]

Hub

You have so many talents and gifts I wish I possessed to share with my kids that trumps learning another culture or language.

Make sure you feel all the realms of emotion ...that is how mistakes turn in to lessons learned. Your kids are lucky to have you and so is your ex-wife, and so are we.

You aren't one to look at blame, you are looking for solutions for everyones situation going forward and that is a huge human-being in my books. You have the tools and the power to find some sort of workable mid-point for you and your family and I will bet you get the job done with minimum further damage.