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  • Bad behavior toward access

    Hi all,

    Last Thursday, my gf emailed me saying that she would stop at my ex to pick up the kids as her appointment should be over just before my access time. Great idea I said because it would prevent me from doing 40 minutes of drive and save on gas. So I send a message to my son to let him know that my gf would pick them up with her car.

    I then got a call from my gf to let me know that my ex didn't want to let the kids go because she didn't know my gf. I've been with my gf for over two years now and she know her. She dislike her and have no intention of meeting with her. So I had to take my van and drive there to pick up my kids... 30 minutes later.

    When I got there, my ex came out watching on the balcony while I was securing my Daughter with the seatbelt and just before I drove away, she gave me the "Finger". Like she was telling me "Hey... I am the one who rules the show here! So F*ck Off!"

    What is the big deal? If I can use an alternative to accommodate myself and save on time and money... what is the issue? If I get sick and cannot drive during my parental time, does it mean I cannot get someone else to do the pick up at my place? Is it not my responsability to find another way to exercice my parental time?

    This is another behavior of my ex to make the conflict more difficult. The worst is that we are just a few weeks from our trial.

    Why would she act like that just before the matter is heard? Is she conscious that she loses points in wanting a reaction from me? Because this is my intuition, she is trying desperately to have a reply from me.

  • #2
    I tend to believe that the arrangements for the children should be between the parents only. If they both agree that a third person (grandparent, new partner, neighbour) is okay to use as an intermediary, then that's fine too. Obviously, your ex does not agree that it's okay to use your new girlfriend as such a third party. I would not want to hand my kids over to someone I dislike, don't know, or don't trust, no matter what my ex had to say.

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    • #3
      Originally posted by Rioe View Post
      I tend to believe that the arrangements for the children should be between the parents only. If they both agree that a third person (grandparent, new partner, neighbour) is okay to use as an intermediary, then that's fine too. Obviously, your ex does not agree that it's okay to use your new girlfriend as such a third party. I would not want to hand my kids over to someone I dislike, don't know, or don't trust, no matter what my ex had to say.
      just to add to that Rioe. He texted his son to say he was sending the gf to pick him up, not the mother. Bypassing the parent is never a good idea.

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      • #4
        I would never ever consider picking up my bf's kids from his ex's home. Neither would he ask. From school or an activity...hmm.....maybe. From the ex's home never!
        And we have been together over 6 years!

        And I would never let my child go with my ex husband's gf. Neither has he asked. But the answer would be clear: if you cannot look after the child, the child stays with me.

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        • #5
          Originally posted by ele110 View Post
          I would never ever consider picking up my bf's kids from his ex's home. Neither would he ask. From school or an activity...hmm.....maybe. From the ex's home never!
          And we have been together over 6 years!

          And I would never let my child go with my ex husband's gf. Neither has he asked. But the answer would be clear: if you cannot look after the child, the child stays with me.
          This is pretty strong.

          I want my kids to be happy and well taken care of at my ex's. He is going to date who he chooses. Being difficult isn't going to change that. Why not save him the trip? Sending someone else to drive doesn't mean he can't care for the children. Things happen.

          Part of a relationship is helping each other. Unless the new g/f was drunk or abusive, I would send the kids with her. Hopefully they can have a supportive relationship because ultimately that benefits the children.

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          • #6
            I really don't understand people who cant get past their exs moving on. It isnt good for the kids because they feel disloyal to one parent in the situation. As long as they are safe what is the big deal? You married that person and had children with them, if you are saying their judgement was bad with the new person, what does that say about their judgement towards you?


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            • #7
              Poor communication.
              Hindsight and all....
              would have been better for father to simply email mother to indicate g/f was picking up children.... then if mother objected he would have that on record and could possibly use it to show her unreasonableness and unwillingness to be cooperative.

              This couple is high-conflict and father should know that something like this would set the mother off?

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              • #8
                We've been together now for over two years and my children like my gf very much. I deal directly with my ex only for urgent matter toward the kids, outside of that, my son is old enough to decide and communicate with both parents what he wants. My ex is the one who doesn't want me to message her. Her lawyer advice me.

                If my ex ever find someone else to fullfill her life (she's been dating for over three years with no success) and that person takes my kids everywhere around town, there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. Why? I'll tell you why. After a separation, people move on. You get a new life, you meet someone else and you live your life with that new person and your kids and the kids of that new person. Voilà! This is the reality and you have to move on. You live your family life when you have your kids with you and when they are with your ex partner... it is not your business. Point à la ligne!

                If you can't face the reality... you won't bypass your separation. You'll be living in the past the rest of your life. The last thing I want to do is worrying how my kids are doing when they are with mommy and her new bf. If my kids are comfortable with mommy's new bf, I am reassured and more condifent because they will be spending probably more time together. So mommy should not be an ass with my gf as we are doing our things during my parenting time.

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                • #9
                  Parents are allowed to use their reasonable judgment to have another person pick up the children for their parenting time. Period. Should you choose to have someone else pick up the kids, you are entitled to do so. Should the other parent refuse to provide the kids to that person, they are unreasonably denying access.

                  That said, you need to communicate with the Ex that you are arranging for someone else to pick up the kids. You could then deal with the blow-back at that time. The ex may refuse still, and you would still have to come get the kids if you wanted your parenting time. It isn't worth not seeing the kids to make a point on the issue, but you should make note of it. If you feel it is necessary, a civil email to the ex explaining that you are entitled to use your reasonable judgment to make alternative transportation arrangements. However, your ex is likely to ignore it anyway.

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                  • #10
                    Originally posted by ele110 View Post
                    I would never ever consider picking up my bf's kids from his ex's home. Neither would he ask. From school or an activity...hmm.....maybe. From the ex's home never!

                    And we have been together over 6 years!



                    And I would never let my child go with my ex husband's gf. Neither has he asked. But the answer would be clear: if you cannot look after the child, the child stays with me.


                    Well as a different perspective... I have been with my husband for almost 8 years and have done pick ups and drop offs for over 7... it has zero to do with a parent not being about to look after their child. This is about a parent being unreasonable and your response to this situation is 100% unreasonable in my opinion. I assume you don't use day care or babysitters or that your children never have sleep overs with friends? Because clearly you are not okay with third parties being involved in the care of the children.


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                    • #11
                      Originally posted by Berner_Faith View Post
                      Well as a different perspective... I have been with my husband for almost 8 years and have done pick ups and drop offs for over 7... it has zero to do with a parent not being about to look after their child. This is about a parent being unreasonable and your response to this situation is 100% unreasonable in my opinion. I assume you don't use day care or babysitters or that your children never have sleep overs with friends? Because clearly you are not okay with third parties being involved in the care of the children.
                      Well said!

                      What I wish to hear from my children's mouth is that they find Mom's new boyfriend nice and very friendly. I would be sorry if in the course of the next few months they would hate him and find his presence is too much.

                      Eventually, this could result in the children going to stay with their father.

                      It's good to always have alternate plans to exercise your parenting time. You can not foresee everything and mishaps can happen ... caught in traffic, an accident, a last minute appointment, illness, car does not start, etc...

                      You have to be able to trust someone else and your ex must understand that it is also important for the children. Why was it okay for a friend of mine to bring my children to the mall during our marriage and now it is not. It is only to make things more difficult. It's just to show that she does not accept my new relationship.

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                      • #12
                        This has turned into such an interesting discussion!

                        I think it HAS to be done on a case by case basis. I would leave my child, or do an exchange to the other parent, with a third party if I trusted that third party. Or even had no reason to distrust that third party. This could be a babysitter, a family member, a new partner, a neighbour, whoever.

                        If I do not trust the person my ex chose to receive the children, I would not allow them to go with that person. It's just how it is. Unfortunately, unlike some of you from the sounds of it, some new partners are not trustworthy.

                        Then, there's the communication issue.

                        If someone I didn't trust, or a complete stranger, arrived to collect my children, and told me my ex asked them to do it but I had not even heard from my ex that this would be the plan, I would not allow the children to go.

                        It's like summer camp or daycare. If someone who is not on the approved list arrives to pick up the children, they don't just get to take them by simply telling the supervisor one of the parents told them to be there.

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                        • #13
                          Originally posted by Rioe View Post
                          If I do not trust the person my ex chose to receive the children, I would not allow them to go with that person. It's just how it is. Unfortunately, unlike some of you from the sounds of it, some new partners are not trustworthy.
                          That's it. It doesn't matter who I choose (gf, my mom, my sister, my brother, new family members, friends) she will say no to any of them. Just the fact that they are members on my side of the family, she will not cooperate.

                          Like 90% of them, they are only playing difficile. The worst, it's not like she doesn't know my sibling and friends! She hates them because they are my side of the family.

                          For instance, I must admit that I hate her father very deeply as he encouraged her daughter coming back late regularly during our marriage. He had his nose into our family thing a bit too much. But my children are very close to him and like him very much. I will never discourage my children from having a close relationship with their grandfather. They can see him as much as they wish when they are with their mother. I don't care less. I just wish my mother could see them once in a while when she comes to visit. That's only twice in a year as she lives up North.

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                          • #14
                            so if you knew she would say no to whoever it was you would send to pick up the kids then why did you send your gf to begin with?? You already knew she wouldnt allow it.

                            There are difficult people and then there are people who like to push another persons buttons.

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                            • #15
                              My partner was always livid about his kids going with their grandfather who had mobility issues and shouldn't be driving but the ex wouldn't hear of it. He would also express his concern over their activities when they traveled, not allowed to say anything ex said. Was beside himself that ex was ok with 16 yo traveling alone but traveling alone to him? DANGEROUS! And if he suggested anything foe the time they spent with him? She had everything to say about it. When she found out they were with me she lost it. It was ridiculous and showed her true intentions exactly.

                              Difficult and unreasonable people will always cause a problem. Im sure if you picked them up she would still be a pain (as evidenced by the finger). Just remember to make note of it in your updated details via court.


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