child custody, remarriage and child support

[wannabehappy1978]

My story...plz help me??

I was married for 10 years to my ex. 3 of the 10 years we were separated and living apart. Now we are currently divorced. we have a 10 year old kid

During the last 1.3 years of the separation, i have been in a long term relationship. I gradually introduced this man to my 10 year old and the three of us get along and blend nicely for the past year...yes a took a chance and i followed my gut that things would work out with the new guy. my kid keeps contact with her dad on weekend visitation. marriage to this new man is our eventual plan. even my diamond ring is on lay away....lol...but i love it..and it feels right and i will take the leap of faith...

my ex signed a separation agreement a while ago for access, saying we have joint custody and that he will pay the guideline amt of child support based on his 70+K salary. I make 10K because i like to be there for my kid..so i work part time. since signing, he has been passive agressive, more difficult to communicate with , and many times verbally abusive via email and phone.

he's really pissed that he's paying what he considers a high amt of child support and is upset about the fact that he has to pay it to me directly. according to him, our kid gets more money than someone on disability.

because he's pissed about the amount..he threatens to come after me by law...but won't say what. i would assume he would lie about my past, accuse me of cheating, being an alcoholic and being neglectful of our kid ...in essence saying that im not a good mom at all. despite the accusations i will expect to hear over and over, i have been the primary caregiver of our kid who is smart, well educated, obedient, self confident and happy and loves both of us. i want my kid to have weekend contact with dad so not to feel like he abandoned ship. so i keep on him for making the time and my nagging worked...but he is still hateful towards me..it's the silent hatred..and its worse...he only ever got like that in the past when he was really pissed.

he said he was told by a lawyer that once he shows the court all his expenses, i will get not much in child support compared to the guideline amt i get now. he says he supports his family in the third world country where he's from, like medical bills, housing, and basic necessities and states that he can get documents proving such..from his country. there is so much corruption down there you can forge anything except humans.

he is also pushing me to hastily marry the man of the long term relationship im in...by asking...are you married yet???!!...he has this belief..so he said that after i get married, he won't have to pay as much child support because i will have a second income..from the new spouse.

i also have this suspicion...that from his threats of coming after me...it means he will try to get sole custody by trying to discredit me as a mother..and accuse me of putting my kid in an unsafe environment because i won't be married to someone the same religion as me. i.e. hindu...muslim. my ex is muslim..im muslim...but my family is hindu..and so is this this man that i've been seeing. i will not go back to being hindu..its a personal choice of mine..and i want to remain muslim for my kid too..like a role model...

also some other important info

our separation agreement is filed with the court and states that our kid will be raised as a muslim, he will pay the cs guideline amount, we both will have joint custody, and he gets every weekend access.

so

will he be successful in getting his cs amt lowered when i remarry?

will he be successful in getting sole custody because im not marrying another muslim while our kid resides with me?

what do i need to do to protect myself as in protect myself from a sole custody fight, harassment so that i can move forward and live a happier life?

i would appreciate any advice you can offer based on personal experiences, readings and such.

thank you
wannabehappy1978

[Mess]

so

will he be successful in getting his cs amt lowered when i remarry?

No.

will he be successful in getting sole custody because im not marrying another muslim while our kid resides with me?

No.

what do i need to do to protect myself as in protect myself from a sole custody fight, harassment so that i can move forward and live a happier life?

Basically nothing. You have a court order, you have done what need to already.

I don't want to be dismissive, but you are asking some strange questions. The courts won't award him sole custody because of wild accusations. He needs to have factual evidence. If the child is happy and healthy as you say, then there is no evidence.

In order to achieve such, from the situation you describe, he would have to first have something factual, such as photos of bruises, evidence of malnurishment, evidence of psychological problems.

He could then seek the involvement of the Office of the Children's Lawyer and have an assessment done. The assessors from the OCL are not always perfect, and many have challenged their findings, but if the situation in your home is as you say, then there is nothing for them find.

This assessment - which is far more likely to be in favour, based on your description -would then go to trial, where your own lawyer would be able to cross examine the assessor and dispute any of the evidence your ex was providing. In short, if he is making things up, it will be exposed as nonsense as long as you follow the process.

Your ex doesn't have a chance of even getting through the first steps successfully, based on your description.

If you have joint legal custody you may not make an arbitrary decision about your child's religion without consulting your ex. However you are free to marry whom you please, and the courts will not care what the religion of your new husband is.

In Canada, in a sole physical custody situation, child support is paid based on the payor parent's income. The income of the custodial parent is not even looked at.

Your ex may make a claim of undue hardship. Any payments he makes to other family is not directly relevant. What is relevant is that he can show that he is effectively living in poverty. This is an extremely difficult thing to achieve in court, especially because the court's first priority is to see that the children are looked after, not the parents. Your ex would have to provide detailed factual information regarding his income and his living expenses. If he is sending money out of the country he would first of all have to account for it through his Canadian banking records, and then as well show his legal documentation regarding his obligations to send this money. You have every opportunity to challenge the veracity of this in court.

The end result of an undue hardship claim would be a reduction in support that does not put the children at any risk. Such claims are very rarely successful.

[Janus]

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[Janus]

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[HappyMomma]

Mess is correct. Do not stress about this. I imagine the court would look very negatively on his claim that he can't support his child because he chooses to send his money back home. The court will give priority to his child.

Your new partner's income will not affect your CS unless your ex can prove undue hardship. Which is highly unlikely.

[wannabehappy1978]

hmmm why did you edit it off the board janus? my ex would say like you did. I don't take it personally...I just want to be prepared for those negative spins on my situation

[wannabehappy1978]

thank you mess and all who have replied. IM dealing with a narcissistic, high conflict and passive aggressive ex. the silence is killing me. when he does reply it's offensive. like....it's your job to be the caregiver because you have boobs. and that IM soooooo stupid and have no clue what IM dealing with and that he is gonna make me miserable and make my life hell. and that is contingent on my getting married. so he waaits..like a Hobbit in the dark to jump out and eats me

[HappyMomma]

hmmm why did you edit it off the board janus? my ex would say like you did. I don't take it personally...I just want to be prepared for those negative spins on my situation

It was removed by Mess, not Janus.

[wannabehappy1978]

my marriage was difficult and there were more downs than UPS. ten years ago I could handle the stress. But I have actually made a point to destress my life by changing careers, working part time in a field where I help people to get fit and healthy. I've lost weight and gotten fit because of the positive changes I have made. I paid off most of my debt and cut my living expenses so that I don't require to make the money I did before. My ex calls it being selfish and lazy. Selfish maybe a little because all those years I didn't take care of myself and sucomed to the verbal and at times physical abuse from my ex. Because of that I felt worthless and had very low self esteem. But after years of abuse I can look at the past and say thank god that part of my life is over. As for being lazy...I. don't call working out QO times a week plus resistance training lazy...I call it empowerment ...and I look great and I feel great and my kid is still happy. What I call amazing work as a parent is being a primary care giver who raises a well mannered child, who has self confidence, compassion for others, who is taught to read at an early age of three and who is taught math and sciences at home in addition to routine school cirriculum to remain one of the top students of their class. I didn't raise a spoilt, rude selfish brat like I see out there these days. I have made mistakes too and I am learning...but truth be told...I raised an amazing kid. One thing I say to my kid is that the reason you get nice things is not because you asked nicely for it...it is because you continue to do great in school, you show respect to mommy and you behave well.

[wannabehappy1978]

Oh....he was getting more and more aggressive in his wording...but in a. Weird way it helped

[dad2bandm]

If your description of your ex rings any truth, then he sounds like he has issues.

Perhaps some of his animosity could be that he feels you downgraded your career, to make less money, in aiding to support the child you share. You were only able to do this "decluttering/destressing" of your life, because you receive support monies from him, and now seem to reside/share your life with another partner as well? That is one way to read this. People tend to be less stressed when they don't have to work full-time. Your child is also ten now. Who knows. We can only go by one side of the story people write us, in an anonymous Internet forum.

Frankly, I would surmise you both contribute to this "situation" with the ways you conduct yourselves, in the co-parenting affairs of your child. Your postings seem to concentrate a lot on how you are the primary caregiver, and how "you" have raised your child.

ex.
"it is because you continue to do great in school, you show respect to mommy and you behave well".

Hopefully, this statement would be something more akin to showing respect to Daddy too, or even just showing respect to everyone in general.

Time will tell, with your postings.

[dad2bandm]

Mess provided you a very good post.

[SadAndTired]

Edited because it was an inadvertent duplicate to CSAngel's post.

[Pursuinghappiness]

I make 10K because i like to be there for my kid..so i work part time.

Out of your entire post. This is basically the only thing that he possibly has grounds on. He could work to impute you a higher wage...at least at a full-time, minimum wage rate. But then you'd have the option of putting your kid in child care and making him proportionally pick up the S7 expense. So its probably not worth it for him.

The question you probably should ask yourself morally is whether or not you should be contributing more to raise your child. Is the fact that you want to simply your life enough reason not to at least work a normal work week? As many women including myself will tell you, its perfectly feasible to work a full-time job and raise a child...and some do it with more than one child. In doing so, it might help to alleviate some tension in the parenting relationship you have with your ex. In addition, if you have a new partner that can help out with child care, you could possibly work a few more hours.

The rest of the nonsense that he's said is just that...nonsense.

He has no grounds for any of his other threats. In fact, some of them are amusing...ie, no judge is going to care about his expense of sending money back home to his family...that's too bad. His primary obligation is to the family he has in Canada..namely his kid.

My biggest piece of advice. Stop listening to the crap and the threats. By listening to it, it will continue.

Change your communication to verifiable email and only communicate on parenting issues. When your ex sends anything else, just send back a canned response message with something like ..."I delete all messages that are not relevant to parenting issues. Please refrain from sending non-relevant email to my account as they will not be read or responded to."

Then grow a thick skin and archive the trash email in a "Stupid Shit" folder.

Ignore your ex, take care of your kid and do the right thing...and I assure you, you'll both be fine.

[wannabehappy1978]

I teach fitness classes...so it's for the hour or two...then I go home...and teach in some evenings for an hour or two. I have thought of picking up more hours in sales in the gym while she,is in school. for shared custody physical...no way. he never had time before and won't later