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Old 06-20-2009, 07:02 PM
sophiejay43 sophiejay43 is offline
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Question Help! Many Questions!

I am new to these forums. At the beginning of March this year, I left my husband and moved into an apartment. We have 2 children, son, aged 8 (9 in Sept) and daughter, aged 15. Since I moved, we have been alternating weeks Sun-Sun with the kids. We only moved 10 km away so I agreed to keep our son in same school until the end of the current school year.
I have lived in Nova Scotia for 20 years with my husband, however it has never felt like home. I am originally from British columbia. I desperately want to go home. I have no family here for support and I want to return to the one place where I have ever felt like I belonged. I knew that my husband would never let me leave with the kids, as he has repeatedly told me this over the years. I thought long and hard about this and decided that if I wasn't happy, my kids wouldn't be happy either when they were with me. I brought up the idea of moving to my husband and he said what I had predicted and I said that I would be willing to leave my son with him provided I could have him on Boxing day for 8 days, March break and 6 weeks when school let out for summer break. Automatically, I was a very bad person because I could consider leaving my children.
I made him a proposal which he of course shot down.
These are my questions:

If I move home, I realize I will be responsible for child support, however will I be solely responsible for access costs? My husband says it's my problem because I will be the one moving. On my current income, that would be one paycheque to cover CS and plane tickets. That is very unrealistic. The one lawyer I consulted said that due to the high access costs, I could probably have CS reduced. I don't feel I should be punished for my whole life because I can't feel at home in NS. My husband cares nothing for the sacrifices I have made by living here. He has never in our 20 years together been to where I come from.

I am not happy with the current arrangement of alternating weeks. It may work for him, but I don't feel it is helping our kids, particularily our son. We are in the process of getting him tested to see if he has ADD. I was diagnosed last year. Next month he has an appt with a pediatrician. My husband is totally in denial. I asked him point blank yesterday what he would do if they diagnosed our son with Attention Deficit Disorder. He said he wouldn't listen and that there is nothing wrong with him. He always says he is just bored in school and daydreams...what kid doesn't?
I have a real problem with his whole attitude. I don't make this stuff up. He is in grade 3 and each year it has been getting worse. His grade 2 teacher met with me last May for 2 hours and we talked and he recommended that my son get tested. I broached the subject with my husband and he flipped. No way was his son going on drugs. That isn't my intention at all! I take medication but I am also 43 years old. I just want my son to get the necessary help he needs. Why should he get punished for things if he can't control himself?

I have decided to do nothing further until after this appointment, however if my husband learns there is a problem and still refuses to acknowledge it, then there is no way my son is living full time with him! Not even 50/50. I have been those children's primary caregiver their whole lives for the most part. Mornings, bedtimes, baths, appts, extracurricular activities, parent teacher mtgs, etc. have always been my responsibility. There have been times when I was a stay at home mom with my second child, however I have been working full time for the past 2 years, with the exception of time off for health reasons. I had breast cancer, had 2 surgeries and radiation treatment. Whether I was working or not, the responsibilities were still mine.
My doctor thinks that I should go for primary physical custody and request to move home with my children. She said due to the fact that I have no family here, I have a strong case. I hear such differing stories on this point, though. It has only been since I moved out that my husband has all of a sudden become this 'super dad'. He has everything and I have nothing. He is making me look bad because I have a harder time with the kids. Well, it is easy for him when nothing has changed. They still have their house, their friends and neighbours, a new pool, new toys and games, new clothes, he bought a new laptop for himself and just yesterday, he added a puppy to the mix. He is buying his children. He is making all the rules and expects me to sit by and watch. He pays me 250 /mo CS at the moment and I sought legal advice and I was advised to seek a min of 40k for division of assets. I instead told him I only wanted 20k and instead of paying CS to him I would put aside 400/mo in a travel fund, I would buy them laptops with webcams and mics, so we could communicate whenever they wanted. He flatly refused to pay me any money and said he will spend everything in court fighting me. Only the kids will lose then.

So, my dilemna is do I try to get 10k which is enough to get what I need to move and I have a place to stay with family already, and get myself settled, get a job and then fight him for custody? Or do I stay and fight for half of everything AND full custody and the right to move? He seems to think I should be the only one to suffer or have any change in my life as a result of our marriage ending because it was my decision. I can't afford lawyers. I can't afford anything right now. I make too much for legal aid, apparently. So I am screwed. I could really use some feedback.

Thank you.