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  • access for teens with jobs

    What happens when you have a teen, say 14,15,16 year old who gets a summer job at the lake, can stay at a relatives cabin of one parent (primary access parent), away from normal city residence of both parents. One parent (non primary access parent, who is supposed to have 2 weeks of child's summer and EOW) doesn't agree to this, insists child must stay at their house during their access time. Or this could even apply when a child whose parents live in different cities decides they want a summer job and not go to other arents house for summer anymore.

    Child doesnt want to go and wants to spend summer at the lake at the summer job. Can child just refuse to go the parents house? Would courts likely take what child wants into consideration for summer jobs? Would it make a difference at 14 vs 16 years of age. Woudl things like this even usualy end up in court?

  • #2
    My kids are that age. They have a huge say in what they do and would tell the other parent exactly how they feel and that they are taking the job. The other parent needs to recognize that children at that age now have a voice and are starting their independence in life. Perhaps try to facilitate a time that is better for visits etc. They are getting too old to be told what to do with their time especially a summer job and experience that benefits them. It is the best interest of the child and not the parent so their opinions matter to court. It wouldn't get to court unless the other parent has money to burn. I know my kids would tell my ex to go pound salt if he tried to derail their summer plans. What worked when they were little kids in custody battles does not work when they become young adults.

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    • #3
      As a parent I would hope you would tell your child they still have to visit the other parent. Surely they won’t be working every single day. Summer jobs are great for teens and both parents should be encouraging this, however if one parent is unable to see their child because they are staying at their other parents family cottage I can certainly understand why this would cause angst between the parents. Tell the child they must work out a schedule to see the other parent. Situation reversed you have to ask yourself if you would be okay with not seeing your child all summer because of a summer job and then staying at the other parents place.

      Maybe I have your rolls wrong and you are the parent that disagrees and won’t see your child and if that is the case reach out to your child and let them know you support the job and would like to work out an arrangement where they visit you on some of their non working days but I certainly wouldn’t expect them to spend weeks at your place when they have a job, unless you can get them to and from their employment


      Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

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      • #4
        I think it is reasonable that sees other parent at some time in summer. The concern is if held to the must be every EOW and full 2 weeks then teen cant take the job at all. I dont know that will happen, but based on past, certainly a strong possibility it will and need to prepare for what to do if other parent refuses to let child have job.

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        • #5
          Primary parent should not have allowed child to apply without knowledge of the other parent. Why? Because kid isnt even staying with primary parent. This could be considered like a camp or sleep away activity. Plus it impacts on non primary parents parenting time.

          Get this in your head and repeat it—this isnt visitation or access time. Its PARENTING TIME. This parent has a right to see their kid and going two months without seeing their kid is UNFAIR. The parent who allowed this should be ashamed of themself. This isnt a summer job. This is a gone for the summer activity with employment attached.

          There is a difference between a kid who has a job across town and a kid who has a job in another town. Plus a child of 14, 15, 16 is still under 18 and requires parents permission to stay in another town for the summer.

          If it was a situation where kid had to work friday and saturday of the other parents time there is understanding because that parent still sees them, has them staying there and can drive them to work. This situation has kid gone for two months.

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          • #6
            At this point teen hasnt applied for job and wont for a year or 2, as not quite there yet in age. I am thinking towards the future with a child who probably will want to go. It was tossed around as an idea (among us all, including ex) before separation that maybe someday in future when a teen, wants to go and work for the summer. If still married likely would happen and no issue about it. Teen has seen others in the community go and work as teens for the summer.

            That is why I posed the question, to get a sense of what people feel is realistic or not, and at what age. To see how separation would or should affect these decisions. Should the opportunites for the teen be different if married or separated? Where and when should teens interests take over from parents.

            I am on the fence about it honestly. I cant see telling a 16 or 17 year old they cant have a job at the lake for the summer, Maybe a 14 year old it is too young? I have a co-worker who's kids are in the cadet program. They (older teens) are gone for 6 weeks of the summer. If parents are divorced is it social unacceptable to go to cadet camp for 6 weeks? Younger teens go for shorter camps, but I think by about age 15 or 16 the camps are 6 weeks long for cadets. Does having divorced parents mean you can only have long summer experiences within the city you live in? At what point should teen get to decide for themselves what they want to do int eh summer? I fully expected that at some point my children when teens, whether or not I am the primary parent or access parent or whether or not we were still married or separated, is going to want to spend the summer doing something away from home for most of the summer.

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            • #7
              Primary parent should not have allowed child to apply without knowledge of the other parent.
              This is the exactly the point I am trying to get at. At what age is it reasonable to not be about what the parents allow , and about what the teen wants? Is it 18 the legal age of adulthood or younger? What if neither parents want kid to have a summer job, what if one does and one doesnt, what if kid doesnt consult either parents and just applies and gets a job and goes? I think for a camp you would have to have a parent sign a consent form to go, even if older liek 16 or 17. I am not sure about jobs. Do parents have to sign a consent to a 16 or 17 year old having a job?

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              • #8
                If there is a good relationship with both parents then there shouldnt be a problem. There should also be an option for both parents to have a say. This might be helped by both parents keeping open channels of communication with each other and kids.

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                • #9
                  I think BOTH parents should want to instill a work ethic in their children. This could be a great opportunity for the child. It seems unfair to me that separated/divorced parents stand in the way because they may loose parenting time. Isnt part of being a parent encouraging a child to become self sufficient?

                  Parenting is about making sacrifices for the best interest of the child. Surely there must be some compromises BOTH parents can make to let the child have this opportunity. Loosen the access time of one parent so the other may have more to visit the child at the lake? Allow more time in June or September for make up time?

                  I feel so bad for the kids that by no choice of their own, ended up with this dilemma. Guessing that they are in high school and they have to compete against students in university that have an edge that they finish school weeks earlier, then compete against parents that allow it and not take off 'parenting time (sorry boss, I need time off to spend with my parents as per their court order, Its like the child has too many strikes against him/her and discourages the child for future employment in their teenage years. Employment is a competition and best to get them use to it at an early age.

                  Be careful what you wish for, do you want a bored teenager hanging around all summer getting into trouble on each of your parenting time???

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                  • #10
                    Originally posted by kate331 View Post
                    I think BOTH parents should want to instill a work ethic in their children. This could be a great opportunity for the child. It seems unfair to me that separated/divorced parents stand in the way because they may loose parenting time. Isnt part of being a parent encouraging a child to become self sufficient?

                    Parenting is about making sacrifices for the best interest of the child. Surely there must be some compromises BOTH parents can make to let the child have this opportunity. Loosen the access time of one parent so the other may have more to visit the child at the lake? Allow more time in June or September for make up time?

                    I feel so bad for the kids that by no choice of their own, ended up with this dilemma. Guessing that they are in high school and they have to compete against students in university that have an edge that they finish school weeks earlier, then compete against parents that allow it and not take off 'parenting time (sorry boss, I need time off to spend with my parents as per their court order, Its like the child has too many strikes against him/her and discourages the child for future employment in their teenage years. Employment is a competition and best to get them use to it at an early age.

                    Be careful what you wish for, do you want a bored teenager hanging around all summer getting into trouble on each of your parenting time???
                    I agree with this poster and I am in a similar boat. Ex and I live about 50 minutes apart. My oldest (16) got their first part-time job. At the time, they were living with the other parent and I was EOW. The child and I spoke about the situation, while I wasn't keen on missing time I agreed to it. Well, the Ex didn't like this arrangement as it meant they would lose their "alone time" so they made the child keep calling to switch shifts or call in sick EOW when it was "their alone time". Subsequently the child lost their first job after 1 month which they took pretty badly, feeling like a failure. With that being said, I do understand that a lot of people live within close proximity to each other and the above doesn't apply.

                    The reality is, at some point we as parents need to start preparing and guiding our children for the responsibilities of adulthood. Making them wait till their 18 when they can "finally" make their own decisions on their parenting visitation is too late, not to mention could cause some harbored ill feelings towards the parents. Generation Z for the most part are a self entitled generation who feel everything should be handed to them without working for it. I am not saying everyone child is like this but the vast majority are.

                    Just my 2 cents!

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                    • #11
                      The question involved a job out of town for the whole summer and staying with a family member of the primary access parent. There are jobs for kids all over and there was nothing about this job that showed it was worth losing time with the non primary access parent.

                      An EOW parent loses enough time with their kids growing up and then suddenly kid is in school and possibly gone eight months of the year. They should have a say in these situations and a discussion should be held on how to make up that time.

                      Theres a big difference between a kid working in the town both parents live in versus working several hours away from both parents for two months.

                      As for your ex cashcow, they have proven they are unreasonable over everything so it is expected they would be a jerk about that too. Poor kid.

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                      • #12
                        The way I am seeing this is your penalizing the child because of the parents circumstances.

                        Think of it from the teenagers prospective, a summer at the lake with a job, sounds like a summer full of great memories and fun, while gaining employment experience, as opposed to working in the City so they can have their parenting time. At some point the apron stings need to be loosen.

                        What if it was a teen that got a camp counselor job, and was staying at the Camp all summer and not at a family member of the primary parent. Would that make it different?

                        Im thinking the teen may feel resentful of the parent that is holding them back.

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                        • #13
                          Originally posted by rockscan View Post
                          The question involved a job out of town for the whole summer and staying with a family member of the primary access parent. There are jobs for kids all over and there was nothing about this job that showed it was worth losing time with the non primary access parent.

                          An EOW parent loses enough time with their kids growing up and then suddenly kid is in school and possibly gone eight months of the year. They should have a say in these situations and a discussion should be held on how to make up that time.

                          Theres a big difference between a kid working in the town both parents live in versus working several hours away from both parents for two months.

                          As for your ex cashcow, they have proven they are unreasonable over everything so it is expected they would be a jerk about that too. Poor kid.

                          Agreed...the OP's situation and mine were different. When ex's live within close proximity a childs job on the weekends is less intrusive than when they live further apart or as in the OP's post when they go away for the summer.

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                          • #14
                            Youngest son is now 16 - last summer he had a part-time job that he didn't exactly love - but loved having some money and more freedom and responsibility. His dad (EOW) pressured him into quitting the job after weeks of back and forth and complaints that it interfered with his weekend. He went so far as calling the manager and telling him that DS was not to be scheduled for HIS weekends.

                            DS has already told his dad that he's looking for a new job for this summer and will not be scheduling around dad's time. Dad has said he's entitled to three weeks and EOW and will take ME to court if DS refuses to go. I've told DS to ignore that threat and that he needs to find a job - he'll be expected to contribute to post-secondary and needs to save money. He can find time to spend with his dad on his days off.

                            Teenagers naturally want to become independent and spend as little time with family as possible - of course they choose to be with friends and school and activities and working. If you're an EOW parent you are going to lose time. If you're a primary parent you are going to lose time. If you're a 50/50 parent you are going to lose time. You're losing time to their other priorities - and no, parents are NOT priorities to teenagers. They can still love their parents and not spend ANY time with them.

                            When DS and his dad were dealing with this last summer, DS eventually just said - So there's Mom's weekend and Dad's weekend, when is it MY WEEKEND?!

                            Can you imagine how frustrating this is for a kid to navigate around?

                            In intact families - do you think the kids hang around with their parents every weeknight and weekend? Do parents spend every minute of their time with their teens? The only way for a parent to be a part of a teenagers life (even in a small way) is to just be there for the in-between times. For me, a lot of that in-between time is conversations in the car driving everywhere he needs to go. An EOW is not there. As much as they may love their kids and think of them often - to a teenager they are not there.

                            Access time for a teenager becomes an obligation - it was a decision made without them. I ask my two today (16 and 20) what we could have done differently to make things work better for them - and they both wish that dad had moved close by so they could see him when they wanted to (which probably would have been pretty often), that the schedule stopped when they decided, and that they had a home with each of their parents. As it turned out, stbx moved over an hour away (his choice entirely) and did not "create" a second home for them. They have a sofa-bed they share if they both stay over at the same time. There is "home" (with me) and "dad's home" that they visit. And no, it isn't because he couldn't afford more bedrooms - he pays 3x what I do in rent. It was his choice.

                            His dad's push and demand of his parenting time is pushing DS away. He's becoming resentful and annoyed by the entire inconvenience to his all-important teenage life. Seems to be the exact opposite of what a parenting agreement is supposed to support in regards to "best interest". I wish there was an answer to give that allowed everyone to have what they want but there really isn't one is there?

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                            • #15
                              For all of you with pushy exes being jerks about kids jobs, have you suggested they pick kid up from work on the days its not their time? Or suggest giving them an extra night when kid has to work?

                              A friend of mine had her eow parent in a city an hour away. She agreed with him that she would take one weekend a month off to see him as she had to work. Told him that if he didnt like it, he could pay her for the time she would miss. He agreed to her only having one weekend with him.

                              My partners kid agreed she would book time off to see him and then messed up her schedule and cancelled on him. He was out several hundred dollars and his ex refused to have kid take responsibility. He then made efforts to spend weekends in town to see her after work, that got screwed up by the ex too.

                              Im not saying cater to the ex. If you can work it out try. If they are going to be jerks theres not much you can do. Although it might be worth telling them you are logging their actions and will push to have their portion of school expenses increased because they are interfering in kids ability to save for their portion of school!

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