Married 4 years - together 9
DS - 9
DD - 6
Separated June 2017 (1Year)
OK....so I have been reading the forum and have gained some useful advice. I am looking for advice on my personal situation. Sorry it's a long post..............
Marriage ended based on ex husbands parenting style with our DS. Issues started when he was only 2. Iron fist, rude, screams, swears, grabs, chases, breaks things, etc. etc. Only to DS and has never parented in this style with DD. I begged for years for him to take parenting classes, read articles on the effects of his behaviour, sent him links to self-help, agreed to co-counselling...etc. etc. etc.
When enough was enough and I asked for a separation he agreed, but was demanding shared custody (week about). We co-habituated for the first six months with primary parent responsibilities. I coached, assisted, supported, guided in his parenting during this time as best I could. He acknowledged he needed to change. In Dec the co-habitation ended and we agreed to nesting (each of us moves in and out of home not yet sold but listed). My DS threatened taking his own life should he be forced to live with his father half of the time without me. Both children stayed with me through XMas. He engaged in counselling with DS (I was not invited to participate as the issues were between DS and ex). January started the actual nesting. There were a multitude of issues however I was always there to respond and counsel both DS and ex. Son was diagnosed with ADD in Feb (after a year wait list for a pediatrician in my area). Medication was agreed to by both myself and ex, and dosage was adjusted once. End term report shows amazing gains with a jump in grade in almost every subject. I, my family, school and pediatrician agree things are working well.
DS started independent counselling in early Spring. In May his counsellor called CAS based on a few built up events, as well as an incident the morning of counselling where there was swearing and chasing and grabbing once again. Although it was not my week, I retained both children in my care. EX called DSs counsellor and started independent counselling the same day. CAS closed the file because he made admittance and said he would do the work to change.
Issues continued to escalate with DS while in his care. DS was acting out in such a manner that was concerning to all - however not once acted (acts) in that manner with me.
Bottom of the barrel occurred in June and ex agreed to me having him full time with access visits to him until they could work through the issues. He however wanted me to take DS with me out of the matrimonial home so he could stay there during his time with DD. I rejected, and am of the opinion the kids should not be separated. Further, he has cried with our DD in front of me telling her she can't leave him too because she is all he has left. She at 6 years of age has taken over the role I once held in home as caretaker and often breaks up the fights, distracts, protects her brother, etc. etc. I hired a lawyer but had to let them go due to his inability to return calls or emails over three weeks.
His views switched 180 after their summer holiday which was drama free, DS was not on medication and both children and ex lived with his parents and he worked everyday took no actual holidays other than weekends. He was once again demanding 50/50. He has been threatening to me, and any time I said enough was enough I was coming back and he would have to leave he rejected and even went so far as telling me if I came back in he would not be leaving the bed again.
Both children returned to his care Monday of this week. By Monday evening I had the first panic phone call from my DS. Things were bad and he was unhappy however ex was following the right parenting paths and there was no danger to injury. I received a phone call from ex at 630 Tues (FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL) and he was screaming and disciplining DS for his outrageous behaviour. I arrived to the home and diffused the best I could. First day of school occurred DS was delivered to school through me as he refused to get into fathers vehicle.
Tues night was no better, I was there through dinner in order to hear about their days and this is a family tradition. things escalated but I created a plan with them and left feeling good they were once again on the right track. I then received yet another panic call from my DS. Another three calls from ex and I had to put DS to bed while speaking with him over the phone. Ex asked me to come and get him last night while DS was sitting in front of him. DS asked me why his dad hates him so much, asked me what did he ever do to make daddy treat him like this. I am heartbroken and lost.
Arrived to home at 530am today as agreed with ex. DS is now in my primary care, I am heading home to pack a bag for him and we will be staying with my folks 45 minutes away from home. Ex refused to leave the home and feels kicking DS out will teach him some sort of lesson. He is 9. DD wanted to stay with ex, however in the past this arrangement has only lasted 1 day before she too is calling to come back to me.
What are my options? I am at the end of my rope. I feel hopeless. When things started getting really bad between he and DS in June he pulled him from his ADD meds for a week and didn't tell me. Then proceeded to blame the medication for the behaviour. I scheduled another Dr. Apt and we all attended. Ex was asking for allergy testing, something is wrong with him, he is not right, maybe there is a larger mental issue. Both myself and the Dr (as well as DS) were furious. However, based on yesterday and today ex has now arranged for yet another Dr appointment with a new Dr for a new assessment which will occur in another city tomorrow...............my SON HAS HAD ENOUGH. I repeat the behaviours of my son are only while in the independent care of ex.
When I have told him we will have to go to court he just keeps telling me it is going to take months, threatening, and being a bully. I want to shelter my kids from a contentious divorce, but at the same time I need them to be happy and healthy. I even told him we could do a EOW with weeknight visits, or extended alternating, until xmas when we can reassess the relationships. I want him (all I have ever wanted) to be involved and a supporting figure ...... DS doesn't trust him and I believe the acting out is a test because he believes his dad won't actually change, as similar promises have been made in the past and never stick. The fact he (ex) refuses to take ownership for any of this behaviour makes me hate him. DS owns his behaviour and when asked why simply says he doesn't trust him, he hates him, he will never change, I never want to see him again.
ADVICE PLEASE SOME SOLID PARENTAL ADVICE!!!! He has a lawyer retained, I have a lawyer in the background but will self-represent until I can longer. I have read and have a ton of case law ready. The legalities are not my issue, the custody and how to make it happen legally and quickly is my issue. He wants verbal agreements.............
DS - 9
DD - 6
Separated June 2017 (1Year)
OK....so I have been reading the forum and have gained some useful advice. I am looking for advice on my personal situation. Sorry it's a long post..............
Marriage ended based on ex husbands parenting style with our DS. Issues started when he was only 2. Iron fist, rude, screams, swears, grabs, chases, breaks things, etc. etc. Only to DS and has never parented in this style with DD. I begged for years for him to take parenting classes, read articles on the effects of his behaviour, sent him links to self-help, agreed to co-counselling...etc. etc. etc.
When enough was enough and I asked for a separation he agreed, but was demanding shared custody (week about). We co-habituated for the first six months with primary parent responsibilities. I coached, assisted, supported, guided in his parenting during this time as best I could. He acknowledged he needed to change. In Dec the co-habitation ended and we agreed to nesting (each of us moves in and out of home not yet sold but listed). My DS threatened taking his own life should he be forced to live with his father half of the time without me. Both children stayed with me through XMas. He engaged in counselling with DS (I was not invited to participate as the issues were between DS and ex). January started the actual nesting. There were a multitude of issues however I was always there to respond and counsel both DS and ex. Son was diagnosed with ADD in Feb (after a year wait list for a pediatrician in my area). Medication was agreed to by both myself and ex, and dosage was adjusted once. End term report shows amazing gains with a jump in grade in almost every subject. I, my family, school and pediatrician agree things are working well.
DS started independent counselling in early Spring. In May his counsellor called CAS based on a few built up events, as well as an incident the morning of counselling where there was swearing and chasing and grabbing once again. Although it was not my week, I retained both children in my care. EX called DSs counsellor and started independent counselling the same day. CAS closed the file because he made admittance and said he would do the work to change.
Issues continued to escalate with DS while in his care. DS was acting out in such a manner that was concerning to all - however not once acted (acts) in that manner with me.
Bottom of the barrel occurred in June and ex agreed to me having him full time with access visits to him until they could work through the issues. He however wanted me to take DS with me out of the matrimonial home so he could stay there during his time with DD. I rejected, and am of the opinion the kids should not be separated. Further, he has cried with our DD in front of me telling her she can't leave him too because she is all he has left. She at 6 years of age has taken over the role I once held in home as caretaker and often breaks up the fights, distracts, protects her brother, etc. etc. I hired a lawyer but had to let them go due to his inability to return calls or emails over three weeks.
His views switched 180 after their summer holiday which was drama free, DS was not on medication and both children and ex lived with his parents and he worked everyday took no actual holidays other than weekends. He was once again demanding 50/50. He has been threatening to me, and any time I said enough was enough I was coming back and he would have to leave he rejected and even went so far as telling me if I came back in he would not be leaving the bed again.
Both children returned to his care Monday of this week. By Monday evening I had the first panic phone call from my DS. Things were bad and he was unhappy however ex was following the right parenting paths and there was no danger to injury. I received a phone call from ex at 630 Tues (FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL) and he was screaming and disciplining DS for his outrageous behaviour. I arrived to the home and diffused the best I could. First day of school occurred DS was delivered to school through me as he refused to get into fathers vehicle.
Tues night was no better, I was there through dinner in order to hear about their days and this is a family tradition. things escalated but I created a plan with them and left feeling good they were once again on the right track. I then received yet another panic call from my DS. Another three calls from ex and I had to put DS to bed while speaking with him over the phone. Ex asked me to come and get him last night while DS was sitting in front of him. DS asked me why his dad hates him so much, asked me what did he ever do to make daddy treat him like this. I am heartbroken and lost.
Arrived to home at 530am today as agreed with ex. DS is now in my primary care, I am heading home to pack a bag for him and we will be staying with my folks 45 minutes away from home. Ex refused to leave the home and feels kicking DS out will teach him some sort of lesson. He is 9. DD wanted to stay with ex, however in the past this arrangement has only lasted 1 day before she too is calling to come back to me.
What are my options? I am at the end of my rope. I feel hopeless. When things started getting really bad between he and DS in June he pulled him from his ADD meds for a week and didn't tell me. Then proceeded to blame the medication for the behaviour. I scheduled another Dr. Apt and we all attended. Ex was asking for allergy testing, something is wrong with him, he is not right, maybe there is a larger mental issue. Both myself and the Dr (as well as DS) were furious. However, based on yesterday and today ex has now arranged for yet another Dr appointment with a new Dr for a new assessment which will occur in another city tomorrow...............my SON HAS HAD ENOUGH. I repeat the behaviours of my son are only while in the independent care of ex.
When I have told him we will have to go to court he just keeps telling me it is going to take months, threatening, and being a bully. I want to shelter my kids from a contentious divorce, but at the same time I need them to be happy and healthy. I even told him we could do a EOW with weeknight visits, or extended alternating, until xmas when we can reassess the relationships. I want him (all I have ever wanted) to be involved and a supporting figure ...... DS doesn't trust him and I believe the acting out is a test because he believes his dad won't actually change, as similar promises have been made in the past and never stick. The fact he (ex) refuses to take ownership for any of this behaviour makes me hate him. DS owns his behaviour and when asked why simply says he doesn't trust him, he hates him, he will never change, I never want to see him again.
ADVICE PLEASE SOME SOLID PARENTAL ADVICE!!!! He has a lawyer retained, I have a lawyer in the background but will self-represent until I can longer. I have read and have a ton of case law ready. The legalities are not my issue, the custody and how to make it happen legally and quickly is my issue. He wants verbal agreements.............
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