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  • #16
    Originally posted by youngdad91 View Post
    You will find Kate's post in the other thread "So I just took his $$$". Any mother who went to court for sole custody and full guideline child support where the father was no serial killer is no different than the mother of my child.

    the excitement and satisfaction and sense of power moms get when. taking money from their exs is very questionable. I am sure you would agree with the money being taken from YOUR family by your partners ex- and the excitement and satisfaction she gets from it.
    Yes I did!!! And my ex is NO serial killer. Maybe your ex is SuperMom, but I am NOT. That extra cash comes in handy to entertain the children when Dad doesnt show up on his weekend so he can spend it with the "new and better" wife.

    Comment


    • #17
      Istanbul, I would suggest you make an effort to come back to Canada for your upcoming motion, your here 10 days out of the month anyway, and your retired. Your asking a Judge to make decisions that impact your children, you should be there. I am thinking your physical absence will send a message to the Judge what we are all thinking, that your priorities are not in the right place. Just my 2 cents...

      Comment


      • #18
        Even if you have a long motion scheduled, you really do not have much time.
        You will be represented by counsel at the motion. Judge may ask you direct questions but I can assure you that if you launch into a long diatribe of what you 'may be willing to do' you will be cut off. I do hope you have retained competent legal counsel for the hearing and not merely someone who is telling you what you want to hear (which is what I suspect or you wouldn't be presenting such a preposterous approach and content for your motion).

        From what I can glean from your posts your position is simple: you are intentionally retired (intentionally unemployed). You seek increased access to your children if everyone agrees to your terms. You want the original separation agreement to carry on with you paying current CS. You do not agree to CS being recalculated. You have intention of remarrying but will not commit to moving to Canada unless it benefits your new wife and will ensure you have increased access to your children. You feel that obtaining more access and then purchasing/renting a home in Canada will benefit your new spouse's ability to come to Canada so you're ok with that (and it would not be hard for a judge to surmise that this is the true reason for your application).

        Meanwhile your children - are they failing academically? Has child welfare been involved to date? Any other reasons you can substantiate to show need to change the status quo?

        What sort of case law do you have lined up to support your position so far?

        Comment


        • #19
          Originally posted by youngdad91 View Post
          Istanbul.. save yourself grief and instead of trying to justify yourself against a bunch of moms already against you feeding you negative and false information, make an appointment to speak with a lawyer.

          PM me where abouts your wife is and I may have a good lawyer to suggest to you. it is clear the posters here (all moms) are advocating for the mother.

          Rioe is the only one who I find has her head set straight and clear.

          Istambul has stated several times he has legal counsel.

          Istambul, in his initial post on forum, requested feedback from everyone. Unlike you, Istambul is able to respond in a rational manner without spewing misogynistic tripe.

          Comment


          • #20
            The way I see it, both parents make choices. It's sad and painful when the custodial parent (usually the mother) alienates the kids and shockingly does her best to undermine the father and his role. The mother chooses to make access difficult, create false status quo, create conflict to show breakdown of communication, allegations of abuse, etc.

            The father may choose to evaluate the overall situation and determine the best course of action which may not align entirely with the way a judge sees to be in the best interests of the child.

            The difference is while the mother usually gets away with such behaviour, the father is penalized almost from the onslaught as being perceived as an absent, uninterested and selfish father.

            On the contrary, the father has to spend thousands of dollars in proving that mother is being uncooperative, creates false status quo, etc. Moreover, if he settles for a job which enables him more access/parenting but may not be up to his potential qualifications, he may be seen as being underemployed (more legal fees to defend against this).

            Personally, I have already made one emotionally driven decision when I reconciled with the mother after 11 months of separation to be with my 1 year old daughter as a full-time parent. Other than being full-time with my daughter, that decision was not in my best interest in terms of financial and safety (allegations of abuse) considerations.

            When I chose to reconcile, the mother miraculously realized/admitted that I was a good parent and she was sorry she kept our daughter away from me. She also voluntarily agreed to fix our daughter's birth certificate by amending her family name and adding me as the father.

            Imagine having to spend thousands in legal fees just to fix this minor thing that shouldn't have been there in the first place. It was plain out fraud/misrepresentation but the mother was never penalized.

            Well, our reconciliation period lasted 5 months. When I decided to end our marital relationship, that greatly angered the mother and she had me charged with two counts of assault.

            Presently, I'm also working outside Canada (got this job post separation) and have chosen to limit international travel until the criminal charges have been dispositioned. This resulted in me not seeing my daughter for almost one year. The trial date is coming up in a couple of months.

            Lo and behold, after separation, I am again a bad father.

            The cycle repeats where we, as parents, have to give up our powers and ask strangers i.e. judges to make decisions re our lives and our daughter's life. All this because mother hates me and does everything in her power to keep me away and I choose to move forward taking into account my own needs/safety as well.



            Sent from my ONEPLUS A5010 using Tapatalk

            Comment


            • #21
              Originally posted by youngdad91 View Post
              I am not on any women are evil train. It appears you are on some father's are evil train given you are using the word "deadbeat".
              "Deadbeat" is a term used by maintenance enforcement agencies across Canada to describe people (MALE AND FEMALE) who do not pay support.

              Comment


              • #22
                Originally posted by youngdad91 View Post
                I searched the FRO website and did not come across "deadbeat".

                Myth about deadbeat dads label:

                https://www.huffingtonpost.com/josep...b_4745118.html
                You believe there exists only one maintenance enforcement agency in Canada (FRO) - somehow that doesn't surprise me.

                Comment


                • #23
                  Originally posted by youngdad91 View Post
                  Rioe, unlike you, is not here for the purposes of responding to my posts in such derogatory and extremely offensive misandrist ways. Your bias towards me is transparent in your replied to me ever since I pointed out to the forums:



                  You must be still upset about the research that found out women are more controlling and abusive than men. I can guarantee you that she won't agree to him having 50/50 even if he moved over to Canada. She will control him for as long as she possibly can. Note: I am not saying this pertains to all women. Everyone is different. As stated above,There are bad men just as there are bad women, and vice versa. There are also good women, just as there are good men, and vice versa
                  Research??? LOL funny.

                  Well you go on gurning and whining then... women are evil, more controlling, etc. and keep telling us you are a fair-minded individual. That's really funny.

                  BTW - I support women's shelters as I would support men's shelters and I have always stated this. If you are threatened by my support of shelters then that is your problem I suppose. I pray that your children, or your ex, will never require their services.

                  You are not the first, nor will you be the last, to come at women with generalized statements. I hope you will give consideration to your remarks in the future and show some restraint.

                  Comment


                  • #24
                    Originally posted by Istanbul View Post
                    I am not sure if you meant this as a figure of speech, but it is factually incorrect. My ex wanted to divorce but instead of staying overseas where I was working, she wanted to relocate to Canada. She also asked me to keep working a little longer over there, which I did. Then once I stopped working, instead of welcoming that I would have more time with the children, instead she blocked part of my access, asked court to reduce my time with children, and asked me that I go back to my previous country to work and pay her more CS. So I did not “leave a mess behind”. She has shown repeatedly that she wants to limit my time with children. The fact that I have to push to get more time with children also indicates to me that my situation seems more different to your situation, than you were led to believe in the first place.

                    Well, you kind of did leave a mess behind, even if you didn't create it intentionally, or solely.


                    You have a mess of a separation agreement that blends equalization, child support and spousal support.


                    You have a mess of a custody situation because your ex took control of the children early on and you didn't fight it back when it would have been easier to do.


                    So to us it looks like you made choices that are now returning to haunt you, but not accepting responsibility for them; instead blaming it all on your ex's actions.



                    You chose not to have independent legal advice (unless I'm mixing you up with another poster), you chose to believe your ex would be reasonable, you chose to continue on the career path you had set during the marriage instead of being flexible with the end of the marriage, you chose to set a status quo of your ex having the children, and you chose to become involved in a new relationship before the previous one was legally closed off.



                    So now you are faced with the situation that you are trying to rectify this series of mistakes, which is an uphill battle.


                    For CS, you need to make a judge understand the factors that went into conflating equalization with CS (and SS too? you've only mentioned that once and I'm not clear on where it fits in) so that your nonstandard calculations will be accepted, or your equalization redone if they are not.


                    For custody/access, you need to make a judge believe that it would be in the best interests of the children for you to have more access time together. A material change would be that you have now moved to Canada to live close to them. Do a lot of research on "Best Interests of the Children" and "Material Change in Circumstances" because those are key ideas in court. An agreement can't be reopened unless there is a material change, and it won't be changed to what you want unless you can prove it is in the best interests of the children.



                    If you haven't moved to Canada before you hit court, there is no material change in circumstances, and your ex will very likely successfully argue that there is no guarantee you will do so, so nothing should be changed. Do things in the right order and you are far more likely to succeed.



                    Tell the judge you made these mistakes, but now want to do right by your children and be a more involved father. Don't badmouth your ex or whine about how she's manipulated things and just wants more money. Focus on how your move to Canada (which should be in the PAST by that point) has benefited the children.


                    I'd also suggest getting the best job you are able to in Canada, even if it's not your previous field or income level, or telework as a consultant or something. Show that you are willing to work, and have an income it is appropriate to use for CS calculations now, or be willing to have it imputed up to the previous level you and your ex had agreed to use for the retirement phase of your previous agreement.




                    Other thoughts to the general audience:


                    I'm not sure how I'm being lauded as the only reasonable responder around here. I'm really just saying the same things others are saying, maybe more politely and with more constructive advice.



                    As for the deadbeat stuff, a deadbeat is simply someone who doesn't look after their financial responsibilities. A child who lives in a parent's home in the basement and fails to launch, a capable adult who chooses not to work and mooches off a relationship or social assistance, someone who defaults on their bills and loans, and yes, a parent who avoids paying child support. It's more of an adjective than a gender-specific noun, hence the most frequently seen usage "deadbeat dad" still requires the 'dad' part attached to create the reference to a nonpaying father. Sadly, as long as men earn more than women, the proportion of deadbeats who are men will also be greater than those who are women.


                    I don't see this guy as a deadbeat parent. He's paying CS according to a homebrew agreement he thought would endure, and he's beginning his retirement as was planned during the marriage.


                    Unfortunately, he's running into the wall of being expected by most of society, especially the legal part of it, to have a normal CS calculation, and to remain fully employed as long as he has dependents, despite any plans to the contrary while the marriage was solid.

                    Comment


                    • #25
                      Originally posted by youngdad91 View Post
                      I am not on any women are evil train. It appears you are on some father's are evil train given you are using the word "deadbeat".


                      MY father was a deadbeat. I have not called anyone else a deadbeat.

                      Comment


                      • #26
                        Is the new girlfriend/fiancée pregnant?

                        Comment


                        • #27
                          Thanks all for the feedback, I appreciate it. There is a lot to respond, I will start with my initial thoughts below.

                          @rockscan:
                          There are plenty of dads on here who were actually thrown out of their kids lives and who fought tooth and nail for them. Look at PlainNamedDad who moved back and now has all his kids with him and is fighting his ex, LF32 who had his ex kidnap his daughter and he fought for several years to get 50:50, Links who argued his way through the courts, WorkingDad who set precedents for self rep
                          I realize that some are “perfect dads” who were willing to drop everything for their children. Kudos to them and I admire their dedication. Unfortunately, that person is not me. At one extreme, there are the perfect dads, and at the other extreme there are those who abandoned their children and don’t care one iota. And there are those who are in between, me included.

                          @arabian
                          judges do not make ruling on "maybes"
                          Yes I understand. In that same line of thought, I am willing to relocate to Canada because my children need me but right now I am being asked to drop my fiancée and drop everything else in my life only for * maybe * having more time with children in the future. Perhaps I also do not want to make big decisions based on maybes too.

                          So far, I have requested more time with children but everything has been denied. I cannot even take one child to the hotel with me on a week night. And the issue is not only about whether it’s suitable to host children during the week on the grounds that I do not have a residence. I could also not get the children for half the summer despite the fact that I can host them in my parents’ home. What exactly is the problem with me having children for half the summer? My ex has also blocked communication between children and I between my visits. So the issue is about blocking my access generally speaking, rather than only about hotels and stability. In addition, my ex is seeking in court to have my visitation rights reduced to one weekend per month. So in light of all of the above, and also some other considerations I have not even brought up yet, so far I have decided that no I will not drop everything in my life to get a residence in Canada and hope to get more time granted by court.

                          @arabian
                          Meanwhile your children - are they failing academically? Has child welfare been involved to date? Any other reasons you can substantiate to show need to change the status quo?
                          @kate331
                          You say the conditions with Mom and children are grave. What actually do you mean by that? Do any of the children have special needs or mental health issues?
                          To elaborate further or what are the problems with the children at home, I would say they are mostly, but not all, with one child. Issues range from running away from home, violence and/or threats of violence at home, school suspension, etc. My ex-wife called police to report threats from my daughter. We are not talking about a strong 15-year old male teenager here. We’re talking about a shorter and smaller than average 10-year old girl. Yes child welfare is involved, via school.

                          If the situation was fine and dandy at home, I do not think my odds of getting more time with children would be all that great and I would possibly not stir the pot with requests in court. But given those problems, is it not an attractive solution to a judge to give more time to the father? I am not asking for 50/50 or joint custody right away. Give me one week per month, then we can increase from there if it works well.

                          Another way to say it, do I need to be perfect dad willing to drop everything for his children in order to get more time? Or is the bar lower than that? What if I am only 70-80% perfect? Is that not enough? A judge will be looking at the situation and see a dad willing to move to Canada, but someone who has been reluctant to make that commitment so far for various reasons, including the fact that the father is giving weight to several considerations in his life, rather than only considering the children. The judge would prefer that the father has proven that commitment already, but unfortunately he has not yet. On the other hand, a judge sees that there are several issues going on, that children want to see their father more, that the mother is doing a lot to restrict access, and that the mother is spread thin. Chances are that the children’s well-being would improve if the father was around, and that exactly where they live (luxury house, hotel, or trailer park) is a lesser issue than the simple fact of having time with the father. Given my tempered commitment and the problems at home, the question is in the balance of things, what will a judge decide.

                          I also question whether me having a home close to the children in the last year or so would have made things better or worse. If a child is already running away from the house despite having nowhere to go, will it make things better or worse if I am in the neighborhood? I think the frequency of those episodes would certainly increase because she would know she can come to me. And it would certainly increase tension, friction, and conflict because then I would have my ex on my doorstep ordering for our daughter to go back to her. So is it not better to first get clarity from court that I can indeed get more time, then I get a residence in Canada? Rather than the other way around. If I fail by going through regular channels (court) then perhaps I can revaluate the situation and consider whether getting a residence there and get things done via “force” would be an appropriate solution. There will come an age where court or police would not be able to forcibly remove my daughter from my house if she does not want to go to her mother’s house. But one thing at a time, this is far down the road.

                          Comment


                          • #28
                            Originally posted by seeker101 View Post
                            The way I see it, both parents make choices. It's sad and painful when the custodial parent (usually the mother) alienates the kids and shockingly does her best to undermine the father and his role. The mother chooses to make access difficult, create false status quo, create conflict to show breakdown of communication, allegations of abuse, etc.

                            The father may choose to evaluate the overall situation and determine the best course of action which may not align entirely with the way a judge sees to be in the best interests of the child.

                            The difference is while the mother usually gets away with such behaviour, the father is penalized almost from the onslaught as being perceived as an absent, uninterested and selfish father.

                            On the contrary, the father has to spend thousands of dollars in proving that mother is being uncooperative, creates false status quo, etc. Moreover, if he settles for a job which enables him more access/parenting but may not be up to his potential qualifications, he may be seen as being underemployed (more legal fees to defend against this).

                            Personally, I have already made one emotionally driven decision when I reconciled with the mother after 11 months of separation to be with my 1 year old daughter as a full-time parent. Other than being full-time with my daughter, that decision was not in my best interest in terms of financial and safety (allegations of abuse) considerations.

                            When I chose to reconcile, the mother miraculously realized/admitted that I was a good parent and she was sorry she kept our daughter away from me. She also voluntarily agreed to fix our daughter's birth certificate by amending her family name and adding me as the father.

                            Imagine having to spend thousands in legal fees just to fix this minor thing that shouldn't have been there in the first place. It was plain out fraud/misrepresentation but the mother was never penalized.

                            Well, our reconciliation period lasted 5 months. When I decided to end our marital relationship, that greatly angered the mother and she had me charged with two counts of assault.

                            Presently, I'm also working outside Canada (got this job post separation) and have chosen to limit international travel until the criminal charges have been dispositioned. This resulted in me not seeing my daughter for almost one year. The trial date is coming up in a couple of months.

                            Lo and behold, after separation, I am again a bad father.

                            The cycle repeats where we, as parents, have to give up our powers and ask strangers i.e. judges to make decisions re our lives and our daughter's life. All this because mother hates me and does everything in her power to keep me away and I choose to move forward taking into account my own needs/safety as well.
                            Wow, I am very sorry to hear. Your situation is worse than mine given that you have no access at all for the moment.

                            I fully understand why you have taken several things into consideration, including your child, but it is not the only consideration.

                            Comment


                            • #29
                              Originally posted by denbigh View Post
                              As you live away from your children, and you stated that when were married, your ex did the parenting and you did not, I suspect you have no idea the all consuming task parenting is. do you know what it is like to wake up and feed your child every 2 hours for weeks on end, until you finally get 3 hours of sleep in a row? Live a sleep deprived life for years through succesive babies and pregnancies? Have a child vomit all over your face? Not be able to pee alone as your toddlers bangs onteh door trying to get your attention? And that is the early years. Tehn you stay up late making a diaorama your child forgot was due, trying to scrounge items around the house, make insesant lunches, talk to teachers and coaches, arrange your life around your childs activity schedule, get your kid to do the dishes and stop fighting with your sister, juggle the entire household schedule for everyone, return the late library book, find last minute birth presents for kids frineds, listen to your 13 year old throw a temper tantrum at 8 AM because a favorite shirt is dirty and LIFE IS JUST SO UNFAIR, I HAVE TO WEAR THAT SHIRT. and somewhere in theri you must also work, pay your bills, and ensure your children gorw up with good values, and become productive members of society. Your children very well may prefer holiday dad to chore mom. Some day your children will realize who actually raised them.
                              My ex was a stay at home mom, and I was working like a dog. But that does not mean I did nothing at all for the children, at any time, for several years. So yes I am aware of all the tasks that you describe. I can sympathize with all parents (usually the mother) who had to handle this by themselves, with no help, because their ex husband was not willing to help. However in my situation, given that my ex is refusing my increased involvement and she even wants to decrease it, then sorry but it’s hard for me to have sympathy for the problems she is having at home because they are self-inflicted.

                              You are correct that children will realize some day who raised them. But some day my children will realize (actually they already do) who is preventing access to their dad, against their wishes. Not even a simple phone call is possible. And that their father offered to share the parental responsibility of raising them, but that their mother did not want it.

                              Comment


                              • #30
                                But given those problems, is it not an attractive solution to a judge to give more time to the father?

                                No it is not, especially becasue of those problems. A judge is not going to take a child who is running away, and has anger problems and order the child to live in a hotel for a week at a time once every month. That is not a stable envirnment. Can she bring her toys to the hotel and put a poster up on the wall of her bedroom and have a private sleeping area, and decorate the bedroom so it feels homey, at a hotel? Now if you already had an apartment, a stable residence, a home, then that would be different and you might possibly have an argument for increased access.

                                Comment

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