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Foot in Two Families

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  • #16
    When my parents split, my mother started pulling this stunt when we went with my father that was so wrong. We would come home and find her on the bathroom floor hysterical and she would say she was scared we weren't coming home and she didn't know what to do because it made her so sick. I kid you not. It destroyed us and we stopped seeing my father. Her issues became our issues. I wish we had known how to deal with this and that it was wrong. A child has no role in these emotional games that some parents play. This boy wants to be with his father. He should be able to voice his feelings and have weight put to them. He isn't saying he wants to shut his mother out. He wants to spend more time with dad. There should be no emotional damage as a result. Involve the help of a therapist and go from there. That way he has the tools he needs should mom pull anything AND mom has a therapist to work her through her issues. These people are trained to deal with this. Its not a bad thing to involve them for support.

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    • #17
      Originally posted by Berner_Faith View Post
      It seems every weekend his son bring this up in one form or another. Dad does want to approach this with Mom but knows he doesn’t have a huge leg to stand on because there hasn’t been a major change in circumstances. I know many on here are currently fighting for more parenting time, but has anyone been through this scenario where time has passed and the child still has that need to move with the other parent? Dad doesn’t know how Mom will react until he talks to her, but he wants to be prepared.
      He's about to change schools anyways. That seems like a major change in a child's life to me, and as you pointed out, an excellent break point for him to also change households. Also, he's of an age where his wishes will be taken more seriously, especially when he has valid reasons for them. He obviously feels that being with his dad more is worth the hassle of making new friends, which is unusual for a child his age.

      Suggest a switch to 50-50 over the summer as a gradual transition, moving to EoW for the mom in September. Offer her PA days, long weekends, March Break, scheduled Facetime, etc, to make up for the lost time.

      And once she refuses, get mediation and court started so it can be resolved by September.

      Document the examples of unhealthy attachment, and use them as proof that she does not have the best interests of the child in mind, only her OWN interests.

      Originally posted by Berner_Faith View Post
      If the kids are with us for Xmas break or summer vacay she is constantly texting him saying how much she misses them, how she cries when they are not with her, asks if they are ready to come home to her, if they still love her and miss her. The kids feel responsible for her emotions.
      Do you think this is her misguided way of trying to express that she loves them? Or is she really that mentally fragile and doesn't know to filter it from them? Knowing which would influence the way you approach things, though I already get the impression you believe it's the second.

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      • #18
        Is Mom in a relationship?

        If not then Maybe less emphasis On" being with us" and more on being with Dad!

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        • #19
          Originally posted by Beachnana View Post
          Is Mom in a relationship?

          If not then Maybe less emphasis On" being with us" and more on being with Dad!


          Yes mom is in another relationship, however I don't believe that makes a difference. We are "us" and have been for 6 years. I have an excellent relationship with my step kids and he does want to be with "us".

          That being said, when this conversation happens with mom it will not be about him wanting to be with "us" it will be about his wishes to change households and why.


          Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

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          • #20
            Foot in Two Families

            Originally posted by Rioe View Post
            He's about to change schools anyways. That seems like a major change in a child's life to me, and as you pointed out, an excellent break point for him to also change households. Also, he's of an age where his wishes will be taken more seriously, especially when he has valid reasons for them. He obviously feels that being with his dad more is worth the hassle of making new friends, which is unusual for a child his age.

            Suggest a switch to 50-50 over the summer as a gradual transition, moving to EoW for the mom in September. Offer her PA days, long weekends, March Break, scheduled Facetime, etc, to make up for the lost time.

            And once she refuses, get mediation and court started so it can be resolved by September.

            Document the examples of unhealthy attachment, and use them as proof that she does not have the best interests of the child in mind, only her OWN interests.



            Do you think this is her misguided way of trying to express that she loves them? Or is she really that mentally fragile and doesn't know to filter it from them? Knowing which would influence the way you approach things, though I already get the impression you believe it's the second.


            Currently it is week on week off in the summer. Then we have the kids EOW at least the rest of the year, alternate March Break and Christmas holidays. I agree that he should offer additional time during the school year, the only problem I see is that his daughter would be with her mom still and we don't want to lose out on our time with her either. Their agreement is pretty fair when it comes to holidays and summer vacay.

            Forgot to add, not sure totally why Mom seems to have an unhealthy attachment at times... maybe she does realize he is getting to the point where he wants to make a change and thus she is trying to state her love? But it certainly annoys him at times. He's not in his teens yet but he's getting there and most teenage boys don't do the mushy stuff.

            Thank you for your input!


            Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
            Last edited by Berner_Faith; 01-14-2017, 10:58 PM.

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            • #21
              What is the exact age that a child can choose who they would like to live with?

              Doesn't make sense to spend time/money in court when you have factors working against you (Mom will put up a fight, and they usually don't like to split siblings up).....you may not like the outcome/ regret opening the matter up at son's current age.

              Makes more sense to wait until son is the exact age that he can choose. That way you go to court, "Son has decided to live with father".........Mom can't put up a fight right? Would it not be faster and cheaper in court this way?

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              • #22
                Officially, there's no legal age at which kids can choose which parent to live with (until they're 18 and no longer children). Unofficially, I understand that judges will give some weight to a child's preference from about the age of 12 on, as long as the child appears to be mature enough to have an informed opinion (not based on unlimited computer time and no curfews). However, decisions about residence are made by adults (parents and/or court), not minors.

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                • #23
                  Originally posted by stripes View Post
                  Officially, there's no legal age at which kids can choose which parent to live with (until they're 18 and no longer children). Unofficially, I understand that judges will give some weight to a child's preference from about the age of 12 on, as long as the child appears to be mature enough to have an informed opinion (not based on unlimited computer time and no curfews). However, decisions about residence are made by adults (parents and/or court), not minors.


                  I sorta agree with that, however at 16 you can withdraw from parental control and legally move out and no one can do anything about it. So I guess the answer is at 16 kids can technically choose.

                  Waiting 4 years may not be in his best interest though because that is 4 years he may not thrive in. He will survive yes but it doesn't mean he will be happy and well rounded staying in an environment he is unhappy with.


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                  • #24
                    I agree he may not thrive in those 4 years.
                    At the same time, if you started court now, it could be that much worse at his Mom's because of it (Her stressed out/ spiteful, etc.)
                    And it would probably cause stress on yourself and your husband as well.

                    Especially because there has been a long length of status quo at this time/ the other sibling/not wanting to split them up does work against you.

                    Sounds like 16 may be the age to wait to avoid the possibility of wasting a lot of time, stress and finances if it didn't work out in your favor??

                    I agree that you should have the son living with you, given the situation, his voice to you on it!

                    But if the ex will not agree to it, and you end up in court, I don't trust that family court would be on your side.

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