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  • Bye Bye Kids?

    My wife and I are divorcing. We are currently living Georgia and are moving back to Canada shortly to do the divorce. She wants to move back down to Georgia as soon as she can to be with her "new wonderful man". Can she legally take my kids down there with her? Given my situation I would only be able to see the once a year.
    Any advice?
    TEC

  • #2
    TEC,

    Both parents, mother and father are equally entitled to custody of the children. Incidents of custody are determined on the best interest of the children test.

    You cannot stop your wife from moving, this right is protected by the Canadian charter of rights and freedoms, but you may be able to stop the children from moving if it is determined to be not in their best interest.

    If your situation does not have a solution, you will not have no other alternative than to bring the matter before the courts.

    If this occurs, be sure to ask for sole custody of the children with a superior parenting plan and proposed plan of care of the children in place.

    Some things to consider and what the courts would look at for relocating children are the disruption and impact any pending move may have on the children;

    age of the children;

    who was and is the primary caregiver;

    Current meaningful relationships with each parent;
    what alternate proposed access regime; to continue to foster the relationship;

    the reason for the move;

    Disruption to meaningful extended family relationships;

    Disruption to school, and friends;

    One thing to keep in mind is a move may be the best interest of a particular parent, but not necessarily the best interest of children.

    Comment


    • #3
      Re:Bye Bye Kids

      The reason she wants to move back down here is to see if anything would develop relationshipwise between her and her new "friend". This friend is also married by the way and she tells me he is devoted to his family. So go figure. She tells me that he and his wife do not share a bed etc etc its only a piece of paper like she tells me about our marrige.
      She has ended our physical relationship and told me that if the opportunity arises she will be inimate with him. We will move back to our home in Canada (she has to come do to visa reasons) which I think is in my favor because I will fight to the end to keep the kids with me. She will have to apply for a visa to come back down to the states to see what happens between them, but she will have no job to start with, be living on her own with the kids, and on and on.
      Tonight I am with the kids while she has gone out to "visit her friends" Its killing me. I don't know how much more I can take of this.
      Its been less the 2 weeks since we were intimate and just like that I am out, he is in.
      Hanging on by a thread
      TEC

      Comment


      • #4
        This whole situation is very new and things may change...do you still want her back? How long has she known this "friend"? She is in the infatuation stage and this wont last long....I don't think she can take the kids away like that if you fight it....It is about THEIR rights to see their father on a regular basis, not her rights.

        Comment


        • #5
          I'd like to know how long she has known him too, is it just a fling, or someone on the rebound?
          Seems a huge step to want to move away to be with him.

          Comment


          • #6
            Re Bye Bye kids

            She has been taking karate with our kids for just under a year. This guy is the owner/instructor of the studio. She made a girlfriend there who is a single mom and is a friend of this instructor. This friend was infatuated with the instructor. They all would get together to talk about life etc three nights a week after karate class. This instructor is building a new studio and my wife volenteered to go help out at the building site occasionally. Now its all the time so I started asking questions and found out that she is in fact very "fond" of him and his is in return so hense the big push to stay down here. I would say they have been seriously talking for 2-3 months. She has to move back to Canada with my do to visa reasons and then wants to apply for a new visa to come back down here.
            I stated that I will keep the kids and do whatever it takes to give them a good life in Canada and she can go back to her new friend or whatever he is. I feel that if I get the kids back home and setup a stable environment that I would be favored to keep them as she will have no job down there or place to stay etc etc when she moves back.
            Im so worn out from this its hard to keep focused and positive but I must find a way somehow if I want my kids near me. It would kill me for her to be down here with them and given my situation I would only be able to see them about once a year.
            Thanks for your feedback as I really don't have anyone else to talk to at this time.
            TEC

            Comment


            • #7
              I think you and aden are in similar situations, have you had a good talk to him?
              You 2 could provide good support to each other as well.

              Comment


              • #8
                TEC,

                You almost have to play it out and see what happens. When you do move back to Canada, and have started a stable life for the children, I would ask for custody of the children. It appears that your plan may be more superior and stable over hers especially if she is make long term plans on notions that may not go anywhere.

                Stability is very important for children and everything will be focused on the children's best interest.

                To me a child's best interest is to have both parent's actively involved in its life, but to do so requires a very frequent interaction but somehow a non-custodial parent is often marginalized out of the child's life. It is sort of an oxymoron situation.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Seems that an emotional affair was started and a bond made between the three.

                  Affairs of any sort normally do not last very long ...

                  Tec, someone is moving in on your territory (your wife), you'll have to fight to get her back ... provided that's what you want.

                  There are many sources on the NET regarding affairs and how to overcome them. Many couples have been able to overcome situations whereby one spouse had an affair and their marriage's went on to be stronger.

                  One good thing ... her moving back to Canada with you, gives you 'exclusive' access to her to go to work winning her back ... and guess what, you have the advantage ... so educate yourself on what your dealing with and formulate a plan to get her back.

                  You CAN come out of this winning ... if you want to.

                  Hubby

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Re:Bye Bye Kids

                    Yes, I would take her back.I am probably a fool for thinking that but I know that she is a good person. Its just this situation with the other guy, knowing she is going out to see him, sleep with him etc and me having to sit back and take it all in is tearing me apart. Sometimes the feeling in my stomach is so intense I feel dizzy, I am starting to question if I can keep my sanity through all this.
                    I question why the two of them don't have the decency to wait until we went our separate ways to pursue a physical relationship. Unfortunately living down in the states I can't move out so I must wait till we move back to Canada in May to separate us from here until she comes up with a way to return unless she finds a way between now and then in which case I will probably be sent packing without the kids. As far as winning her back fighting for her, it probably won't work as once she sets her mind to something thats it. I can't believe that she it willing to put our girls (8 & 6 ) through this! She is so hellbent on this guy that she is not seeing how irrational she is being.
                    I feel my only hope to secure regular visitation of the girls is to get home.
                    I don't know how much longer I can go on like this, I am afraid I might snap it the wrong thing is said or done.
                    God give me the strength to deal with this....

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Tec,

                      God has already given you the strengh ... cause you just asked. Know you have it.

                      Here is something a senior Intercessor said to me yesterday as we prayed ... "God will test his children" ... and Lord, what better test than for that of someone you love on earth!

                      Know this, judge and you will be judged, fight by the sword and you die by the sword ... should you wife come around ... think of the 'guilt' and 'shame' she will have to carry around for life ... this will tear her apart ... unless.

                      If this offers you any reassurance ... the grass aint greener on the other side, and when she comes to this realization and finally WAKES up, her world (you and the kids) may be gone!

                      You are not a fool TEC, just a good person with a great soul ... for ever wanting to take her back ...

                      I say ... fight for her, not in the physical sense, but in the sense that you have the belief that she will come back to her senses and family, someday.

                      Hubby

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Re:Bye Bye Kids

                        Hubby
                        Thanks for your words of encouragement. This website is the only place I can go at the moment to get support. I am trying to figure out what happens in a divorce, what the steps and procedures are in Ontario. My soon to be ex wife says she wants joint custody but I can't see how this would work if she moves back to the states. Its probably going to take her some time to get a visa or worse: she has pondered the idea of coming back down here illegally! Wow ain't that great for the kids. I have told her she is completely nuts if she does that. I am hoping that I can get the kids into a routine back in Canada, school, activites etc and hope that this would make it harder for her to move them down to the states. Sorta status quo.I have told her if she comes down here I would not sign off the kids if she did something stupid as illegally entering the states. I am hoping that even if she comes down here through the proper channels that a judge would look at from this standpoint: reason she is moving down-to see if she can build a relationship with this new joker. Not really a stable plan or environment for kids.
                        I am hoping a judge would see the kids in their hometown,in a good school, living with their paternal father, stable life,kids stay with me.
                        But some of the threads I see in here point towards primary caregiver (her) I just think at this point she is only thinking of herself and this new guy and not the kids and it bothers me very much,
                        As I stated before I am willing to try and work out our marrige but she is adement about saying we are finished.
                        Any advice or suggestions support etc would be so appreciated.
                        I don't know if I can sit through all this until May when we move back. So much is probably going to happen between her and him in that amount of time that I am scared she may find a way to stay and my hands are tied to move in May due to me companies repatriation process.
                        Hurting, worried, confused, growing desparate....
                        TEC

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          TEC,

                          My spouse entered an affair with a married guy a few months ago. She claims she loves him (does anyone actually use the word "soulmate" outside of an affair?) and no longer has any feelings for me - she hasn't actually decided to move out yet but manages to nearly completely ignore me at home; not only that but refuses to remember all the good times we've had over the years. When I found out I told her that I forgive her and how much I love her. She agreed initially to try to rebuild our relationship but is not trying at all - while the physical affair has ended she won't stop seeing, talking to and emailing this jerk so the emotional one continues - she still wears the necklace I'm pretty sure he gave her. I hope you're able to keep things together and that coming back to Canada gives your marriage the space it needs to have a chance. In our case we all work at the same place and I don't know any way to get us some space away from this jerk to give us a chance since she'll hardly do anything at all with me. And, having known him longer than her I'm pretty sure he is just stringing her along - I don't think he is willing to end his own marriage. They have two kids, we have one.

                          I'm starting to look at all the implications too - we're common-law not married but separation agreements, child custody and child rearing agreements, property settlement are all looming, over-whelming and I really don't want anything to do with them, just to try rebuild our relationship.

                          I'm pretty sure my spouse hasn't thought through any of this detail - just has some rosy idea about shared custody. I think she is still living in some kind of dream world and if she could get away from this other guy she would have some chance to realize just how significant the path she is on really is. And if our relationship really was over then I don't know what she was thinking to start an affair before working that out, just makes it doubly hard.

                          So just know you are not alone, I feel your hurt and pray things will work out for you.

                          Piped_in

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            TEC,

                            What you have going for both of you when you come back to Canada is time.

                            When affairs begin, it's normally an indication that something was missing from the relationship. Some need or hers was not being met, with raising a family and day to day stresses ... spouses can take each other for granted and slowly but surely drift apart. This is a NORMAL process or any relationship cycle and knowing this, you can do things to fall back in love.

                            TEC, your grieving at the moment, this is why you are experiencing so many emotions ... tis normal ok.

                            Start to do things for yourself ... keep yourself busy. Read through ALL the post here, there be a ton of information that will eventually educate you. There are also some articles from Jeff and get his mini course ... pure Gold!

                            How long you two planning to come back to Canada. If it is several months, once you have the kids established in a 'routine' ... you could get a court order to keep the kids her. I'm no lawyer, but there is mention on some of the threads on how to go about preventing a spouse from taking a running off with the kids, if you do not have an agreement or court order in place ... she has free will to pick up the kids and leave to the US.

                            The best advice I can give you is to remain PATIENT! Time will not only heal you and your hurts, it may slowly bring your wife to the realization that she has made a terrible mistake ... as many affairs are.

                            Let me warn you, spouses in affairs or who are emotionally detached will say and do stupid things, they are not really thinking objectively ... keep your cool and your head about you.

                            Remember, this guy may have a degree in martial arts, however it's not the physical arena where the battle is won ... it's in the mind.

                            Hubby

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Re Bye Bye Kids

                              Piped_in, Hubby. Thanks for your support. Sounds like Piped_in is going through the same thing as me. I am doing things for myself. I purchased a save my marrige book to learn and grow as a person. Of course I am blamed as the reason our marrige failed. I told her I want to try and work it out, counceling whatever but she still said the it feels like a death has occured meaning our marrige and to keep her sanity she cannot take a chance and go back and try again. I told her that I am not accepting this for now and that I am going to continue working on myself. When I mention the affair she offers that we really didn't have a marrige all along so it doesn't feel like an affair to her.
                              Her "plan" for when we move back to our home in Canada is to find a job, stay living in the same house (if thats ok with me) file for divorce, work on trying to get back to the states. If she is successful in getting a visa she will move back down here buy a house get settled and then ask me if its ok if the girls come live with her (joint/shared custody) Ya right. First of all I think there are a few conditions to meet concerning an uncontested divorce.
                              1. there is a one year mandatory separation period correct?
                              2. you must have resided in Ontario for the last year.
                              So there is this to deal with. I am getting the feeling this thing couldgoon for a while. She doesn't want the house, just her half when I can manage it. She doesn't want spousal support, she can take care of herself. As far as child support, she doesn't want to have the courts specify a schedule as weare both going to be trying to get back on our feet so we can help each other when we are able.
                              Does this sound like a divorce? You tell me.
                              I am having a better day today for a change but am still up and down
                              Hope your feeling good Piped_In and hope to here from the 2 of you soon.
                              TEC

                              Comment

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