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  • #16
    Originally posted by #1StepMom View Post
    Me too, please don't misunderstand me. There is no ill-will in my description of how my stepson was conceived. Believe me, the "how" does not govern how we love and care for this child. What happened in the past, whether it was planned or unplanned (which many may call a "mistake") happened, and no one is going to lie about how it happened. The way the child was conceived is not a proud and happy way, but what happened afterward - both parties taking responsibility for the child, financially and emotionally - is what matters. I sure hope you don't disagree with that. My husband and I are a very active part of that child's life. I have been the child's "second mom" since the day he was born. I made the choice to look beyond my husband's carelessness his first year in university - we've all done things we hadn't planned or weren't proud of - and we both made the decision to give this child - this child who did not ask to be born into the unusual situation he was born into (i.e. his parents being not much more than strangers) and we are doing our best to work with the bio-mom, who made the ultimate decision to keep this child (despite being strongly encouraged by her family to put it up for adoption if she didn't wish to terminate another - yes another, and we know this as a fact - pregnancy) to provide the best life we can for this child.

    I have no ill intentions and I do hope you don't assume that I would. I'm simply sharing my experience as it is - different than the typical "divorce" situation - because there may be someone else in the same situation who could be looking for advice or someone who can understand their complex circumstance.

    I do appreciate your response and opinions, and hope that have not developed any negative opinions on me based on my personal situation. Cheers!

    perfect answer but one more question/suggestion. Has or will the child ever be told about the circumstances on how he was conceived? I am thinking that it may be best if he isn't and the less people know the better. I would worry about his self-esteem etc if he finds out the only reason he is here is because there was a bet involved and dad was drunk. I am guessing this wasn't one of your husbands shining moments and if alcohol makes him do things like this then maybe he should be kept away from it.

    Kudos to you and everyone else involved for making the child feel loved and wanted even though he was a surprise. I just cannot use the word mistake when talking about a child.

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    • #17
      Standing on the sidelines, we've discussed the various senarios that could come up if or when my stepson begins to wonder why his biological mom and dad are not together like other families. However, having been raised in separate homes with separate sets of parents since birth, he is very secure in his family situation and very proudly states that he has two homes, and two sets of parents, consisting of [City Name] Mom and [City Name] Mom and Dad.

      He will not be told how he came to be, for obvious reasons. Simply, his biological parents just "couldn't make it work together" and so that is why from the beginning of his life, they chose to take care of him separately.

      Granted, when he gets much older into adulthood, he may ask for more details, but we'll cross that bridge when we get there. The one thing that is sure is that he will never be made aware that he was "a mistake" or "unwanted" even if that may have been the truth of the matter. He was a surprise (good or bad is irrelevent) and what matters is that he has loving parents who provide him with the best life they can.

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      • #18
        Brief background.
        I'm 29 with two children ages 7 and 3 from a previous marriage. My fiance is 36 with 3 children 14, 13 and 6 from his previous marriage. I've been in school retraining for the last 3 years and have finally graduated and generate an income of approx $40000/year. My fiance makes approx $43000. He took all the debt when he left with the exception of the family home. Approx $30000.

        His ex has since remarried. She makes about $80000 her new spouse makes approx $200000. We pay about $800/month in CS not to mention "special" expenses. We are not informed ahead of time and only find out when the bill comes due. When we protested our inability to pay for more than one activity/child/season his ex trotted out all the "extras" she's been paying all this time. Resulting in us apparantly owing her in excess of $4000. Yeesh.

        DO you have problems with paying basic bills due to CS or extra-expenses?
        Absolutely.
        Do you have stress and fights over this money?
        We rarely fight fortunately and have both worked towards not allowing problems with our exes affect our relationship.
        Does it negatively affect your relationship with your spouse?
        No.
        What about the relationship with step-kids?
        Unfortunately, due to PAS we rarely see the two oldest step kids. The youngest (a boy age 6) is a compatible age with my children and is a joy to have around.
        If there are "second" children, do the "first" and "second" kids get along?
        Stepkids of 13 and 14 want nothing to do with "second" family.
        Do you feel second family concerns are "heard" in the court system?
        Haven't had to go through the court system (yet) although I have the feeling we're heading in that direction.
        Do you feel you cannot afford to have children of your own due to obligations to the first kids? We decided not to have any mutual children due to age and financial obligations.
        Do you feel all the kids are treated fairly and equally?
        Nope!
        What changes do you want to see to ensure that 1st and 2nd children are treated equally by the law? I read the Australian law and it certainly sounds like it would work better then the current system.

        Comment


        • #19
          Originally posted by #1StepMom
          ...he will never be made aware that he was "a mistake" or "unwanted" even if that may have been the truth of the matter.

          ...He was a surprise (good or bad is irrelevent)...

          ...whether it was planned or unplanned (which many may call a "mistake") and no one is going to lie about how it happened. The way the child was conceived is not a proud and happy way...

          ...I made the choice to look beyond my husband's carelessness...

          ...we've all done things we hadn't planned or weren't proud of...

          ...As for "romp-child" - my stepson is the product of a drunken one-night-stand that started as a bet...

          ...Neither one of us had a "first family" that we're responsible for...

          ...he made one "mistake" his first year in university, and that was that he was stupid and had a drunken one night stand...he has regrets and resents his son's mother for the outcome of their carelessness. But, he stepped up to the plate and is a wonderful father to this child.
          #1StepMom, reading these parts of your many posts makes me feel very sorry for your step son. I think your view and attitude toward his conception is disgusting to be frank and I would be embarrased and hurt if I was your step son, or his father if I read your posts. You need an attitude adjustment for the betterment of your step son and the respect of your husband.

          Comment

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