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forum poll..changing school edition

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  • forum poll..changing school edition

    Hi,

    interim order of this stupid protracted litigation has the kids with me Friday 3pm to Monday at 9am. There is no appointed decision making so it is defacto shared.

    2019 ex bought a house in the school district, me as well

    2020 her parents who co-owned the house, booted her out and made her move to another house about 20km from the school and she continued to drive them

    2021: her parents kick her out of that house and she moves now to a rental unit 30 km from their school (but her bf lives around the corner now). It takes 26 minutes each way.

    It is about 12 minutes each way from my house (city driving vs county roads).

    She is complaining that she does not want to drive them anymore because gas is too expensive and wants to change schools. She gets 7200 a month in total support and refuses to work.

    In the last 4 years, the kids have had their parents separate, been exposed to a lot of conflict, moved 6 times in total and had their beloved uncle die.

    The school has been a constant for them, they do well academically and socially. I do not think gas money is an adequate reason for such a drastic change when all the following are possible:

    I would be even willing to pick up the kids some mornings
    She can move back to school district as her lease expires in September
    She can get a fuel efficient vehicle as her lease expires in October
    This schedule will not be permanent

    We do have reunification therapy because of her alienating tactics and the therapist is probably the authority on this. I am worried she will just change schools and that is that.

    As an aside re: alienation, the school is having a father's day event, she did not tell me about it as the flyer went home during the week, and signed her BF up for it...not cool

    Thoughts?

  • #2
    Agreed. Keep the kids in the same school consistency and stability are more important than a parent feeling inconvenienced by the choices they made, especially when they likely have another move in the near future.

    Edit: make sure you're receiving copies of all school newsletters and notifications. Not cool that she signed up bf in your place - if you had declined or weren't able to and both he and the kids wanted him there, then sure. Can you contact the school and sign yourself up to go?
    Last edited by blinkandimgone; 06-09-2022, 09:11 PM.

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    • #3
      Re school newsletters, I agree but why should the school do twice the work when one parent is the problem

      I left it for our therapist. Ex will have to make sure buddy does not go, if my daughter sees us both there it will create a lot of internal conflict for her

      Comment


      • #4
        Originally posted by Kkc View Post
        Re school newsletters, I agree but why should the school do twice the work when one parent is the problem

        I left it for our therapist. Ex will have to make sure buddy does not go, if my daughter sees us both there it will create a lot of internal conflict for her

        Some schools have an online service like seesaw where they post everything.

        You aren’t the first divorced parent a teacher has dealt with and you won’t be the last. They are actually trained in how to deal with high conflict parents and know what to do. If the teacher knows you want to be involved they will make the effort. Speaking as a friend and family member of teachers, they want what is best for the child and that includes no conflict.

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        • #5
          Originally posted by Kkc View Post
          Re school newsletters, I agree but why should the school do twice the work when one parent is the problem

          I left it for our therapist. Ex will have to make sure buddy does not go, if my daughter sees us both there it will create a lot of internal conflict for her
          Schools are used to it, lots of kids have two homes. It removes one parent from being the middle man and "the" paren and putting all the responsibility on them. Both parents need to build a relationship with the school and teachers, whether in a single home or two homes. It's better for everyone, especially the kids.

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          • #6
            This happens often enough and the school is supposed to

            I wonder if they didn’t think a Father’s Day flyer would be withheld

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            • #7
              Originally posted by Kkc View Post
              Re school newsletters, I agree but why should the school do twice the work when one parent is the problem

              I left it for our therapist. Ex will have to make sure buddy does not go, if my daughter sees us both there it will create a lot of internal conflict for her
              I recommend a parenting after divorce course. Reality is "Buddy" is in your kid's life more than you. Show your kid you can all get along to support them, not make threats.

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              • #8
                I would never show up at a Mother's Day event at school as a stepmother. It takes the focus off the child and turns it into a stressful event. No way.

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                • #9
                  I have piles of posts on this forum covering the topic of school in detail. Simply click on my name and search all my main thread posts. Lots of them.

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                  • #10
                    No hurt feelings

                    The issue is this is very much an alienation situation

                    He has insulted me in front of the children

                    It would be a situation if we were both there my daughter would feel compelled to insult me to protect her allegiance

                    It has nothing to do with “buddy”

                    My daughter has told the therapist that dad can’t do anything g right and mom nothing wrong..she’s young and that is very clear sign of allegiance and thinking black and white
                    It doesn’t help when I am insulted continuously by the family

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by Brampton33 View Post
                      This is really the wrong attitude to have. Did you expect your ex to stay single forever? Or for a partner of your ex to not be involved whatsoever with your children? If buddy goes, that is his call. He is there to support your daughter. Sounds like you have some hurt feelings about buddy, which you will need to sort out for the betterment of parenting your daughter.
                      I don't disagree with you that we all have to work with the partners our ex's choose to bring into our kids life- we all have no say.

                      However, in my opinion, I do think it's important to have boundaries- with your ex and their partners when it comes to kids. So when it comes to parent events- it's something that the parents, and parents only, get to set. I'm glad that there is a therapist helping here.

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                      • #12
                        Also, I would lose my ever loving shit if my ex's gf/wife tried to insert herself into a mother's day event with our daughter. Quietly, of course- and likely to my therapist. But I totally get where KKC is coming from.

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                        • #13
                          My husband attended a graduation of his oldest a few months after we started dating. I went with him for the ride to the other city (four hours away) as he was anxious and his ex played games about them being a happy family in person but he was a monster in private. He struggled going alone with his ex having her parents and sibling there. A year later we attended his second child’s graduation together and it was ugly leading up to it as his oldest pitched a fit about me. We knew we were long term at that point and I was practically living with him. Completely cordial and nice to my face, talked shit about me behind my back—to the point where I had to leave the house as I could hear him defending me over stupid accusations. I stayed back, let them have their moment and even took pictures. Not at all imposing on their day. We never heard the end of it after that. How they couldn’t accept me, couldn’t understand why he behaved the way he did with me (apparently they can’t handle him happy) and how much of an imposition it was on mom to have me there etc. Even when he was seriously ill they were still rude.

                          I have NEVER tried to insinuate myself or even spend time with them. I went to a movie with them once and discovered his ex had called him freaking out about how unsafe it was and how she knew nothing about me etc. I’m not a fan of his kids to be honest and would not even consider doing anything with them going forward including having them in my house.

                          The sad part is the parents who play these games are hurting their kids. My mom was ADAMANT we punish any woman my father was with. Not that it mattered since he was out of our lives for years. Now I adore his new partner. I think more than him! Which is to say, it is shitty she is doing this but remember the kids are young and don’t have a say. As much as it hurts you, it is silently hurting them and the more angry you get the more she will do it.

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                          • #14
                            Therapist dealt with it, im going

                            Was agreeing with not changing schools because she moved

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