living arrangements for visitation

[Peggy]

I have not been able to find any information on this dilemma that I have with my ex-husband. Short version of the story: he left almost one year ago, moved directly into a one-bedroom apartment with his new girlfriend. During the next 6 months, he requested to see the kids for a few hours at a time, every few weeks and had no interest, otherwise, in seeing them.

Visitation with the children sleeping at his parents' home at night has occurred the last two months, but now he is threatening to take me to court to get his full weekend access. That would be fine with me, were he not still living in a one-bedroom apartment with his girlfriend whom the children have only met a couple of times. In my opinion, it is inappropriate and possibly damaging for two children of the opposite sex to be visiting their father in a one-bedroom apartment where he is sleeping in the other room with his girlfriend. Am I wrong to believe that they need their own space?

[independentgal]

It is one of the hardest things to do once you separate, but you cannot control how someone lives. The children need to have an appropriate spot to sleep, either fold out couch or mattress or even a bed. I don't think you can dictate what YOU think is appropriate in your ex's home.

That being said, I think the only basis for questioning living arrangements is if there are PROVEABLE illegal activities going on. V

He is just as much entitled to raise the children as you are. He is equally entitled to raise him as he sees fit when they are in his care.

It's hard, I know, been there. Am living with the torment now of what is happening there. My concerns with my son far exceed an appropriate sleeping arrangement.

My ex took away my son's childhood bedroom that he was BORN in(home birth) and gave it to his new girlfriend's kids(at the time he only knew the woman about 4 months). My son has been forced to sleep on the family room couch(not a pullout) with one blanket. This was my son's bedroom for almost 6 years before we separated.

My ex just moved into a new home with only enough bedrooms for the girlfriends kids. Her kids don't share a room anymore, they have gotten their own room leaving my poor son on the couch again. His dad told him one day that he would make my son a bedroom in the unfinished basement.

So, please understand that there could be worse things going on, at least your ex is a good parent otherwise(I am guessing?) whereas my ex is unbelievably terrible.

Let your ex have his weekends, honestly it seems he wants to be more of a parent and that will only benefit your kids more to see their dad more often.

[Kimberley]

My ex, when we first separated also moved into a 1 bedroom apartment with his girlfriend (who is 17 years younger than him), which made her... 18 or 19 at that time.
The courts also did not think this was a 'proper' arrangement for the children, and unless he moved to a place that had rooms for the kids (not a couch, not air mattresses on the floor), then he was allowed 'reasonable access with reasonable notice' and primary stayed with me.
I hate to say it but, that's so demeaning to a child to be relegated to a couch and to not really be given something he can call 'his own', even if it was on a bottom or top bunk in one of the boys rooms (this is assuming that there is another boy from the girlfriend).
I can tell you this from experience, it's very emotionally harmful to grow up in that manner and in my opinion, I don't believe it's healthy for the child, period.
Honestly, I'd ask your child how they feel about it, without inserting any of your thoughts or words into the conversation, and if your child is hurt by the situation, it's time to take it to court.

[logicalvelocity]

Just a thought

Perhaps after fulfilling their obligations to support the child/children that they have insufficient cash flow to fund the luxury of anything more than a 1 bedroom apartment especially in a city environment where rents are expensive.

lv

[Kimberley]

Without hijacking another's thread, I can tell you, they most certainly could (at that time) and have afforded much larger, expensive places - he's the one who can also afford the lawyer.

[logicalvelocity]

To each their own. Every case will swing on the facts. My comment is general as I do know many parents that after they fulfill their family financial obligations; have insufficient funds left to have reasonable accommodation and are actually living in poverty. They live in a one bedroom apartment not by choice but because they cannot afford anything more.

lv

[Kimberley]

Nope, understood, his only 'family financial obligations' that he had then were giving the teen girlfriend enough money to shop & drink rather than child support for his kids.
I'm not attempting to come across as argumentative, but maybe a better understanding can help. I initially posted on this forum for some advice, so perhaps a background of that would help.
http://www.ottawadivorce.com/forum/s...ead.php?t=3018

I had not intended to hijack this thread, but while I understand that 'every case will swing on the facts' perhaps you should take into consideration that there numerous personal situations out there & as a moderator, finding better ways to provide information to those in need without coming across as jilted because someone doesn't agree with your responses.

[independentgal]

I was told repeatedly by my lawyers that I cannot change how he deals with my son. But then again, I have had terrible advice for all of my issues for the last three years, so I should have listened to my gut.

My ex has not paid me a cent of child support since we separated more than 3 years ago. He refuses. We signed minutes of settlement that mention support being paid but since this has not been made into an order, he has not paid anything, in fact refuses to pay even that now.

My son is extremely angry that his dad's girlfriend's daughters(2 of them) have their own room and my son doesn't even have a dresser to call his own.

The sad part is, the sleeping arrangements are probably the least offensive thing my ex does to my son.


Sorry for my apparent bad advice about getting sleeping arrangements decided in court, I was only telling you what I have been repeatedly told.


Sometimes I have to shake my head at what some dads find acceptable behavior. Respect for the children's emotions and development should be paramount.

[logicalvelocity]

Nope, understood, his only 'family financial obligations' that he had then were giving the teen girlfriend enough money to shop & drink rather than child support for his kids.
I'm not attempting to come across as argumentative, but maybe a better understanding can help. I initially posted on this forum for some advice, so perhaps a background of that would help.
http://www.ottawadivorce.com/forum/s...ead.php?t=3018

I had not intended to hijack this thread, but while I understand that 'every case will swing on the facts' perhaps you should take into consideration that there numerous personal situations out there & as a moderator, finding better ways to provide information to those in need without coming across as jilted because someone doesn't agree with your responses.

I'm far from jilted and perhaps you should re-read what I posted. My comment was not directed to you but rather a general comment from my own experience that I know individuals who live in a 1 bedroom apartment not by choice but its the only thing they can afford after fulfilling their family support obligations.

I do believe my historic posts speak for themselves

lv