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  • My kids are home

    My kids were brought home at 6 pm this evening. They walked in white as sheets, reluctantly gave me a hug. They then said I couldn't be trusted and I am nothing but a lier. They went upstairs and shut themselves in their room. They came out for dinner, ate and went back into their room. Prior to dinner, they had been on the phone with their dad for 40 minutes. I said bedtime at 9:30 and they were back on the phone with their dad by 10. My phone and my hands are tied due to "the parents will not influence nor interfere with the children's communication with the other parent" clause. They are both very aware of that clause

    Holy fuck, I knew transition was gojng to be difficult but not like this! I did not force anything, let them be alone, let them feel their feelings. Yes, they knew I was upset and I did cry a little. I asked what could I do to help them?

    At bedtime I said that we would take tomorrow off to just hang out and be together again. I suggested we could make a small plan for the next few days, nothing big. A friend gave them Pie Face, or whatever the game is called, for their birthday. I told them I got whipped cream to play.

    I am devastated right now and really don't have anywhere to vent We have agreed on a 7-day rotation, which is pretty much what we had 🤬 my hope is we are at least calm and comfortable before they go back next Sunday. My fear is this will begin again.

  • #2
    How old are the children?

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    • #3
      Love them to the ends of the earth. They will sense that love even if they cannot make it cerebral. They also are deeply attuned to conflict so do not feed that monster, no mention of any conflict. Build the other parent up , do not tear them down in earshot of the kids. Dig deep. Dig deeper. Love them deeper. One day they WILL see the light and love you back. Maybe sooner than later. Sending you loving vibes.

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      • #4
        Tayken - 11 yr old twins.

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        • #5
          I would ask them why they felt that way and apologize that they have been dragged into this mess. You don’t have to bad mouth their other parent but you can reiterate to them that you love them, are worried about them and can provide them with a safe environment. Clearly your ex is not respecting the dont talk bad about the other parent clause.

          Its difficult and confusing for them at this age and in this situation. You can give them some space but set clear boundaries on what they accuse you of. That there is more to it than they know and you will not accept the bad mouthing or accusations.

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          • #6
            Keep it simple. Try to reduce their fear of the virus. Even small children can understand the basics. As long as both households are practicing isolation and everyone is healthy the 7 day rotation is reasonable. They need to know that.
            What finally convinced him to return the children?

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            • #7
              We are doing pretty so far today. We all sleot until 9 and for the first while I ley them be and adjust. We've just had lunch and are cuddling on the couch.

              He brought them home because his lawyer clued in to proper procedure during this time.

              I am now the lucky recipient of what I call "thou shalt" messages from my ex. I haven't read them.

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              • #8
                Originally posted by cranberry View Post
                I am now the lucky recipient of what I call "thou shalt" messages from my ex. I haven't read them.
                Ignore them. Or just remind him that you don’t question his decisions on his time so you expect the same respect from him.

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                • #9
                  Originally posted by cranberry View Post
                  We are doing pretty so far today. We all sleot until 9 and for the first while I ley them be and adjust. We've just had lunch and are cuddling on the couch.

                  He brought them home because his lawyer clued in to proper procedure during this time.

                  I am now the lucky recipient of what I call "thou shalt" messages from my ex. I haven't read them.
                  I really hope the kids are shielded as much as possible.

                  Will you:
                  a) keep copies of every single nasty communication and file for sole custody based on material change in circumstances (increased conflict not in the children's interests, alienation etc)
                  b) answer every message BIFFF telling him you are documenting every word and preparing for court action and to cease and desist
                  c) suck it up and ignore him

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                  • #10
                    Are those trick questions? Lol! I am not going to respond, period. I haven't even really read them. Opened the messages, saw his usual rambling paragraphs and closed them. We use Our Family Wizard, so well documented.

                    Other comments yesterday as I was trying to keep them calm:

                    "Even if a judge says we have to, does not mean we have to". Responding to my telling them that a judge has said access is to continue.
                    "Well, what does the WHO say about access?" I think my face showed WTF?


                    My concern is my children. Ex can take a hike of the tallest mountain.

                    The both have their colour back and today has run pretty much like a weekend would in my house. I am not rushing to do school work as we need time to be together again.

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                    • #11
                      Your ex is continuously shooting himself in the foot. I'd document everything. Keep it handy. When time is right, consider filing for sole custody, as he clearly cannot promote the relationship between the kids and the other parent.

                      Also, if the kids are continuously trying to be on the phone with him, he need not indulge them so much. The decent him for thing to do is limit the phone call to 10 minutes. Him allowing calls to go on for 40 minutes is adding to the "drama" as though you are the "bad guy" in all of this..

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                      • #12
                        The crazy thing is, we just switched from sole to joint! We have no court order because he won't sign off/approve the MOS. I had just started steps to get the damn thing made into an Order when all this started. I doubt I will be able to bring a motion to change once we have a court order; not enough time will have passed. Unless the learned people on this forum think differently and can point me in the right direction.

                        He has no concept of rules and common sense. Nothing, and I mean nothing, applies to him unless it is a benefit.

                        Seeing as we switched, I now pay child support. I received a call from FRO just yesterday, telling me the support deduction order was received in December and that my account just went active. The welcome packages were put in yesterday's mail. I informed my ex that I was finally active with FRO as he's been under the impression it has been active for months. His response was to tell me he was not accepting 3rd party information and that I was lying. Ummm, am I 3rd party on my own account? Is FRO? I have been receiving messages from him for months telling me that FRO is disgusted with me, they can't understand why I am deliberately withholding child support, and that they would be taking serious action against me. I told this to the person who called me yesterday; he just laughed (as have I been).

                        Phone calls are never less than half an hour. Last night was another marathon phone call. He's beginning to tell them what they can and cannot do in my home. Its getting out of hand and I guess the only thing I can do is document.

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                        • #13
                          So you had sole custody and it switched to joint with more for him? Hey if thats the case since he hasnt agreed to the settlement you should say you are going to revert to the current order which says sole to you!! [emoji23]

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                          • #14
                            I wish! But we all know the can of worms that would open!

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                            • #15
                              I would remind the kids that this is their home too not a prison and that you have their health and well being at the top of your mind. I would also show them the cleaning supplies and things you are doing to ensure they are in a safe environment. Finish it with that you know their dad is worried and you understand his fears but that they don’t have to be afraid or worry about what he says. If you make them a part of the “team” it will help.

                              Your ex is crazy.

                              Comment

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