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  • #16
    Thank you for your advice, this is how I feel too. I got councelling for the older one since there were already challenges. I will suggest him and will see how it goes. Another example is I asked him to send the kids back jome for the summer, all extended family is there, as long as he had to pay half he would agree only to one month (supposedly mine) ; as soon as I mentioned I will pay for the full amount he agreed for the whole summer.
    Unfortunately I know who I am dealing with and I believe playing around with the money with him will be the key.

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    • #17
      Originally posted by lorely View Post
      He wants shared custody for the child support purposes
      You of course don't care about money...

      I would have to pay him couple hundred monthly, otherwise if residential it's with me he would have to pay big time.
      You clearly do not care about money...

      I told him I don't need not even a loonie from him,
      Of course you do not, you have a high paying job. It sounds like he needs a loonie or two from you though.

      He just wants that because he wants to punish me. I told him he has open access to them, both kids need stability, specially our son.
      Stability is important. I suggest that you let them live with their father, and that you have open access to them. You can focus on your practice and pay child support to keep your son in a good place.

      How can I get the residential with me? I am just thinking of the best of the kids.
      Sounds like you are thinking of the "big time" child support he will have to pay you.

      Also he was to restrict us to stay in the area of 25 km around just because he wants it
      Ridiculous. I am sure if the kids lived with him full time you would be very comfortable with him moving hours away from you. Right?

      I tried to reason with him in regards to the time of high school and what is the best for the kids but there is no way of reasoning.
      Tell him if he moves next to the high school you will give him full custody and table child support. That would be best for the kid. Normally I would say that this might be a bit of a financial hit for you but you have already established that you do not care about money, so no problem!

      I know you love your kid, and you would never force him to endure a legal battle between his parents.

      Show your love, give up residential custody. Pay your child support. It's best for everyone.

      Comment


      • #18
        If you don't know what someone went through I would stay away from any opinion.
        I did not ask for any child support from him, read carrefully through the posts.
        I will do whatever it takes for the best of the kids, same as I did up to know.

        Comment


        • #19
          I’m confused now. You don’t want to share custody but your OK with shipping your kids back home (presumably overseas) for 2 months in the summer? Who will be parenting the kids over the summer? I totally understand children need stability, especially special needs children, but this makes absolutely no sense to me.


          Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

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          • #20
            Let me ask you something Kate331: do you have your family here and your kids spend time with them? Did you grow up with grandparents love around you and you built beautiful memories? This is totally offtopic. Maybe you will understand my point of view or maybe not.

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            • #21
              Money is a very big deal... to everyone whether they admit it or not.

              Realistically one has to weigh whether they are better off paying the ex some money without a fight. You say you are at the start of your career so you are likely not making a 6-figure income yet. I believe the way the child support system is set up in Canada is that you pay in proportion to your respective incomes. You possibly are trying to save a buck or two (and will be scrambling to do so in the future) to set up child care in order to preserve the almighty 50-50?

              I agree with others that you have to do with what is best for your kids. I know you probably agree but it drives you nuts that you will have to pay your lazy ex money every month for many years in the future. This is the reality of separation/divorce though. Generally speaking, the courts believe that children of separation/divorce are deserving to enjoy lifestyle that they would have enjoyed whether or not parents are separated. In an intact family, when parent(s) increase income everyone enjoys the fruits of the labor. If you read a ton of CanLii cases you will see the trend. This is customary in Canada at this time.

              So instead of looking at the "glass half empty" perhaps you have to look at your situation as "glass half full" with regards to the children. Your ex isn't a monster and your children are not toddlers. You know that when your kids are with him they are ok. Your kids are old enough to call you on a telephone/cell phone if they are in a bad situation yes?

              You are fortunate that you have an ex who is still willing to be a part of the kids lives. Many people, once they meet a new significant other, quickly brush off the kids from previous relationships. Again, look at the benefit of having "family" albeit someone who currently disgusts you, look after your kids when you are working towards your future (which will probably be quite spectacular).

              Comment


              • #22
                Originally posted by lorely View Post
                Let me ask you something Kate331: do you have your family here and your kids spend time with them? Did you grow up with grandparents love around you and you built beautiful memories? This is totally offtopic. Maybe you will understand my point of view or maybe not.


                I totally agree with you family is so important including extended family. I just don’t understand then why you want to deny your kids that with their own parent. It doesn’t make sense to me.

                I am sure there is much more to your situation since you feel so strongly the children shouldn’t be in a shared parenting arrangement. I do hope it all works out well for you and your family!


                Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

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                • #23
                  Originally posted by arabian View Post
                  You possibly are trying to save a buck or two (and will be scrambling to do so in the future) to set up child care in order to preserve the almighty 50-50?

                  The opposite actually, she is trying to stop 50-50 and keep the kids full time so she won't have to pay offset.


                  She is painting it with the usual colours of course: Best interests of the children, terrible ex, he just wants the money, etc. Fairly typical case, but aggravating nonetheless.

                  Comment


                  • #24
                    Originally posted by Janus View Post
                    The opposite actually, she is trying to stop 50-50 and keep the kids full time so she won't have to pay offset.


                    She is painting it with the usual colours of course: Best interests of the children, terrible ex, he just wants the money, etc. Fairly typical case, but aggravating nonetheless.
                    Disagree with you- about 70%...from her posts- I see a mom/wife who busted her ass to study and work and better her family's life- and did most of the child rearing...and a spouse who thinks they married a cash cow- and is trying to milk everything they can. This isn't different from the typical situation where the dad (usually the higher $$$ earner) feels like he's being taken by a vindictive wife who wants to stay at home and eat bonbons. So he tries to stop the "gravy train". Who the fuck asks for spousal for future income if you're not actually concerned with money?

                    But where I think she's getting clouded in her judgment is the best interest of the kids. If he's not a threat or harm to him- let him have joint custody. If she has the means (and she does)- then pay a therapist (not a lawyer) to help come up with a parenting plan that makes sense for her kids.

                    Comment


                    • #25
                      joint custody

                      He could be asking for spousal as a way to negotiate to have his kids. There are two sides to every story and Im sure he would say some nasty stuff too.

                      My man’s ex went out banging her drum about how he was abusive, refused to pay for shit, withheld support, disagreed with her decisions, lived off her income and wasn’t there for the kids. All of it was a way to play the victim to get everything she could. NONE of it was true and she was reprimanded by a judge TWICE.

                      Even you iona, with an abusive ex, has made efforts to ensure your child has access to her father. You were threatened yet your response is “I want my child to see her father but I want her to be safe”. This poster immediately mentioned cs amounts and spousal and then backtracked saying she would forgo cs.

                      Having been on this forum for about six years now, I can smell the bullshit. When someone comes here asking first about money and then explaining everything they are doing is in the best interest of their child, you can smell the shit. Let’s see the boxes they check: distant, abandoned, abusive, cheap, child with special needs, etc.

                      There’s more to this than meets the eye and I am with Janus. Especially when the kids can be shipped off to grandparents in another country for two months but can’t spend every other week with THEIR DAD!

                      Comment


                      • #26
                        Originally posted by lorely View Post
                        Let me ask you something Kate331: do you have your family here and your kids spend time with them? Did you grow up with grandparents love around you and you built beautiful memories? This is totally offtopic. Maybe you will understand my point of view or maybe not.

                        Spending time with extended family is less important than spending time with parents.


                        The children have a right to maximum contact with both parents. If you choose to send the kids to your parents during your parenting time, that is your prerogative. However, you cannot make decisions that will adversely impact the other parents parenting time without their consent.


                        IMO your focus is all over the place. I see it being about money, than the suggestion that it is not. You suggest that it is all about money with your ex, but I bet they are making the same accusation about you. I also believe the ex is stating that his positions are also in the best interests of the children.


                        Quite simply, you believe that your position is in the best interests of the kids, because well.... it is your position. Your ex is taking the same stance. You can spend thousands of dollars fighting in court in order to receive an order than neither party likes, or you can negotiate in good faith an arrangement that neither party really likes.


                        There is no winning here. There are just levels of dissatisfaction.

                        Comment


                        • #27
                          Originally posted by HammerDad View Post
                          There is no winning here. There are just levels of dissatisfaction.
                          Winner Winner, Chicken Dinner.

                          Good to see you still posting your advice. Hope you are doing well.
                          Start a discussion, not a fire. Post with kindness.

                          Comment


                          • #28
                            Thank you so much for all the judgement, it's very interesting how people assume things even without knowing everyting.
                            Iona you read through. Bottom line will try to negociate, if we don't come to an agreement will move forward.

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                            • #29
                              Originally posted by lorely View Post
                              Thank you so much for all the judgement, it's very interesting how people assume things even without knowing everyting.
                              Iona you read through. Bottom line will try to negociate, if we don't come to an agreement will move forward.
                              Look- you're in for a rude awakening here if you think people on here are not going to pass judgment. They will. But also remember that the people here are actually a wealth (and I mean ca-ching $$$ wealth) of information. And the divorce process is long- and your lawyer will be expensive to bounce ideas off of. The people on this board? They are not expensive.

                              I know there is so much anger- so much indignity of someone trying to cash in on something they didn't earn. But get some help to deal with your anger and rage and hurt. Or call on your family and friends to help if they're near.

                              Then get some help to figure out a parenting plan that works for your kids. This is where those closest to you will not be a help- their judgment is just too biased.

                              Here's a tip from another professional woman who is 1 year into a gross separation. Therapists cost less than lawyers - and they help a lot more.

                              Comment


                              • #30
                                Originally posted by mcdreamy View Post
                                Winner Winner, Chicken Dinner.

                                Good to see you still posting your advice. Hope you are doing well.

                                Thanks. Things are good here. Some changes here and there, but normal for most people in life.


                                To the OP, we are not being judgmental here. We know you truly believe your position, and bet your ex truly believes theirs. We are getting your side of the story, and most here are playing devils advocate in an attempt to help you better understand what you will be up against with your ex and their lawyer.


                                Is there a good chance your ex gets 50/50? We don't know. We have what you are saying, but we won't be there to see what evidence you have to back up your positions, and what evidence your ex will provide to refute those positions. You may feel that it is in the best interests of the children that they reside primarily with you, but feelings aren't evidence and judges generally don't care about them. You will need to put your feelings to the side and prove to a judge why your recommendation is in the children's best interests should you end up in court.

                                Comment

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