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  • How to save a relationship with your child

    Hello all,

    I've recently received communications from my youngest (D17) stating that I failed her as a father, she doesn't see a relationship with me in the future and hopes I'll be happy with my NEW family going forward into the future. She's said goodbye I've been trying to get together with her for the last 5 months and had sporadic contact with her over the last 2.5 years. I've seen it slowly dwindle downwards and it's really bothered me. She's been in therapy for 2 years and stopped going earlier this year (as she stated she didn't need it anymore). Needless to say... that's when our visits stopped at her request. She is always dealing with anxiety issues and seems to fall back into depression quickly. I'm going to be going to see her later today (basically a surprise visit) to sit and talk calmly about the text message (and will be coming to her daily until we've talked it all out). She "avoids" confrontation (like her mother) and I wasn't raised that way... this needs to be talked out. I hate asking, as parenthood doesn't come with a manual, but could really use some insight. Thank you for your time.

  • #2
    Is there an issue with your ex? Perhaps she has influenced her and made her feel this way?

    I say what Im about to say from the experience of an alienated child.

    Being a teenage girl in your parents divorce is difficult. No matter how old you are or when it happened, it is very difficult emotionally. Even with therapy and supporting parents there are things that influence your feelings. The comment about your new family is telling. She may not feel that she has a place in your life or that she has some importance. If she has influence from her mother it will be compounded.

    I would not recommend surprising her as it will trigger her anxiety and make her angry towards you. Kids who suffer from depression and anxiety want to feel supported rather than ambushed. While your intentions are good, you are doing this for yourself.

    If you insist on ambushing her, I recommend your conversation surround supporting her and her feelings. You will need to acknowledge her sadness and anger and frustration or whatever she is feeling and respect it. For instance, I am sorry you are feeling this way, I love you very much and want to help you feel better. I would very much like to be a part of your life and need to know what I can do to have that.

    You also need to not get angry or try to force her to do what you want. It hurts to not have your child in your life but there are feelings and reasons she has for this decision. You may not agree with them but you have to acknowledge them as hers.

    I highly recommend instead to email her. Let her know that she is your number one priority. That you love her very much. That nothing in your life makes her unimportant to you and that she is part of your whole family, not separate to your other kids. Ask her how you can support a relationship together. How you both can work together to help her feel that she has a place in your life and that she is wanted.

    You also have to be prepared to accept that she may still continue to feel this way and push you away. You can still reach out to her and remind her you love her.

    Whatever you do DO NOT say things like “im your father” “i will not accept this” “you must do xyz” “your behaviour is out of line” etc.

    Comment


    • #3
      I'm not going to make her feel guilty or anything like that. I want to be there for her. Be a part of her life. I love her and her sisters so much and will refuse to give up on them. There has to be influence from her mother. My middle daughter has recently started to come around and it's been very good so far. My problem is that I've only been communicating with D17 via text (written) and it hasn't gone anywhere. She stated that actions speak louder than words, so I'm going to take action. I expect her to be angry, yell, bombard me with all kinds of things... but it's an outlet. I cannot sit on the sidelines anymore and expect a teenager to be mature enough to know how to rebuild this relationship. That's what a parent does. That's my job to be there for her and take in all the yelling, crying or whatever comes my way. I won't defend myself, just let her vent. This is what a Father does when he see's his relationship with a child start to dwindle away. I have to at least try... I've got nothing to loose now.

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      • #4
        I went back and read your previous posts and saw that there was influence from your ex.

        It is a terrible position for your child to be in. I can safely say that the turmoil between my parents took a toll on my siblings and I.

        Hug her. Let her be angry and let her vent. But just put your arms around her and keep telling her you love her. When you live in a house where you are told repeatedly that your father doesn’t love you it destroys a part of you. She needs to feel that love.

        Bottom line is don’t make it about you or your ex. Don’t spend the time defending yourself. Be in the moment with her demonstrating to her that you love her unconditionally and with all your heart.

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        • #5
          That you very much and hope she will let me hug the living s$*t out of her!!! It's been way too long and I can't take this distance anymore. It kills me every day to know that she's living this way. I wish I could take her away from it all, but my daughters are their mothers protector right now and there's nothing I can do about that. I will be there for her and let her vent it all out. This won't be a one time thing... it will take a lot to regain this relationship and I'm prepared to put in the work. Thanks again!

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          • #6
            My husband has gone through it too. He would give anything to wrap his arms around her. Its terrible to not have your kids in your life and its equally terrible to not have your parent there too! I wish you luck!

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            • #7
              Rocksan has some very good advice. Your daughter may have been negatively influenced by your ex but it’s also a part of their normal development to withdraw from their parents and switch their focus to their friends. Whatever you do, don’t give up. If you do, this will be seen as abandonment and reinforce her negative feelings. You can respect her right to not see you at present but tell her that doesn’t change the fact you love her and always will. Continue to text her and always end with I love you or a heart or sappy meme. Continue to invite her over, especially for important occasions. You can tell her on her birthday or at Christmas that you have a present for her but need to give it to her in person.

              Remember that love and hate are on the same continuum but opposite ends. As long as she’s angry there is hope to slide the scale back towards the love side.

              Is there any way you can bite the bullet and ask for your ex’s assistance? I’m sure you ex would tell you why your daughter doesn’t want to see you. If you listen without getting defensive ( even if you think it’s bs), there may be some grains of truth. Even if your ex is a raging lunatic nutbar, if you use the right language it might help.
              For example, if you start by saying you know she’s done an amazing( say it like an actor would say this word not in the context you really mean) job raising your daughter and you don’t know what to do to get it back on track and does she have any ideas.
              Point is, sometimes if you bite your tongue and choose your words carefully, you can turn an enemy into a co-conspirator.

              Good luck and no matter how long it takes, don’t give up on her. She’ll eventually come around.

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              • #8
                Don’t give up. Continue to ask how her day is, how school is, make plans to see her, etc. I have a daughter too who is now 21. When she was 17, she was ready to cut ties with me as well. I persevered, she went away to school and matured and she is not the same self-cantered daughter she used to be. It’s a phase. It was difficult to not give up, but I knew in my gut she was smart enough to realize I wasn’t the “mom-ster” her father made me out to be. We have been in a good place with a loving relationship for a while now.

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                • #9
                  Thank you all for the great advice! I did what I said I would do. I went to the house, sat on the front porch and waited. She finally came home and didn't run away or avoid. I asked if we could talk and she agreed. She initially broke down and started to let it all out. It was painful, but necessary. I needed to hear it and she needed to say it. It wasn't easy for her and I'm so proud she had the courage to face me and say what she needed to say. I'm going to keep pursuing her and will not give up on her... no matter what. I know her mother has a great deal of influence on her, but I will never again bring that up to her (as I did in the past). This is between her and I and if SHE ever brings her mother into the conversation, I will remind her of this (in a friendly and calm manner). It's not perfect yet, but it's a start and I'm so happy she at least sat and talked with me for a while. I've been passive for too long and won't be anymore. I'm going to call (not text) and show up... physically! We were always so close and so similar. We can get there again, I know it. Thank god for this forum and all of you in it. It gave me the strength to move forward with it.

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                  • #10
                    This is awesome. At the end of the day she is your baby and all she wants is to know you love her. I wish my dad had been like you!!

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                    • #11
                      Your post made me cry happy tears. I'm so glad it worked out. I wish you peace. Your daughter is so lucky to have a dad like you.

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                      • #12
                        Hello all! Well, this road is not getting any easier. It looks like my daughter is turning out like her mother. She puts on a face and tells you what you want to hear, but then avoids you like the devil. My eldest daughter had her baby shower over the weekend (YAY!! I'm going to be a grandfather in about 6 weeks). My ex, her mother and my daughters put it on at their grandmother's home. My family and girlfriend were invited. Of course all my family went, but it was not a welcoming home to say the least. All my family showed class and solidarity for my pregnant daughter. There was no animosity from my family what so ever, but there were plenty of cold shoulders towards them. My youngest daughter (whom I've been trying to have a relationship with) completely avoided my family and disappeared. Now she's not returning my calls, texts or seeing me. I am going to the house on the daily going forward until she see's me, but her mother is playing defense and allowing her to avoid me. My daughter has been dealing with depression since our separation and spent 2 years in counselling. In the past, I played passive to allow my daughter time to come to me and I've stopped doing that. I want to show her that I'm here (physically) and am willing to work on it... but she won't face it. Her mother is allowing it. The one phrase her mother told me at the beginning of our separation was "don't ask me to help you with your relationship with your daughters. That's up to you to fix it". My biggest problem though, is she has been constantly involving them in our affairs. Telling them half truths and avoiding me. I had my second daughter tell me that she had to leave the house and move out on her own, because her mother wouldn't stop talking about it and it was driving her crazy. She's the only one who's coming around (slowly, but coming around). I never talk about their mother and let them vent if need be. I'm a shoulder to cry on, a listening ear and want to help in anyway I can. I want to do something more, but I'm afraid with her being 17 it would just be a waste of money and time (with more heartbreak on my end). I'm thinking about calling her school and talking with her counselor to see if they can help in any way. It's just not natural for a daughter to completely reject her father for no reason! Something is seriously wrong and will back fire on her at some point... I just don't want to wait until something bad happens. Can anyone shed any light? Guidance? Anything? I worry about her all the time. Sorry for the long post. I just had to vent a bit and know there are people on here with exposure and experience in this. I just want to do what's right! Thank you all.

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                        • #13
                          Originally posted by Tired_Dad View Post
                          Hello all! Well, this road is not getting any easier. It looks like my daughter is turning out like her mother. ....
                          I did read the rest of your post- but wow. This part here made me go "Ooff"....just saying that she's turning out like her mother, that is alarm bells for me. Our kids ARE like us- both parts- mom and dad. My daughter already has her dad's temper, and I can see she'll probably have some self regulation issues. But if anyone were to say "I guess she's like her dad"- I would shut that shit down immediately. Saying this is saying 1) there is something inherently wrong with her mom (who she loves) and therefore 2) saying there is something wrong with her.

                          Have you done any counselling yourself?

                          I'm sorry your family is going through this.

                          Why did your ex-wife think there your relationships with your daughters needed fixing?

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                          • #14
                            I understand why that would come off wrong... I just don’t know how to deal with someone who avoids everything in life and expects everything. I don’t mean to bash her mother, I really don’t. I just know that this is NOT an appropriate way to go through life! Everyone deals with conflict and one point or another. That’s part of life! I would have assumed that 2 years of counseling and thousands of $ would have given her better tools to cope. The reason their mother said I need to fix my relationship with my daughters is because I left their mother... not them. Unfortunately, their mother saw it appropriate to tell them I left them as well. I did not. I left the house, but not them. I’ve loved 2 blocks away for 2 years and was always there when they needed me. I’ve gone to counseling with a couple of different counselors. I will never tell them what I feel about their mother, but I need to help them. I love my daughter and there’s no good reason for her to push me away. She will grow up resenting what’s gone on, and I don’t want her to feel guilty or resentful. I need to help my daughter through whatever she’s going through, even if she ends up being mad at me. I’m a father, not a friend and want to do what’s best for her.

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                            • #15
                              You need to focus on what you can control and let the rest go. You can keep trying to make contact with your daughter. You have no control over how she reacts, if she ignores you or pushes you away. That is 100% on her shoulders and there are natural consequences that flow from her behaviour that are out of your control. All you can do at this point is not give up and continue to pursue a relationship.

                              She’s also a teenager, for whom it is a natural life stage anyway to want to minimize any form of relationship with a parent. Pulling away is normal for teens. Their brains aren’t fully developed until they’re 25. If you don’t give up she will eventually come around. As for her being just like your ex. You are probably both right and wrong in that regard. She likely is copying your ex’s response to stressful situations by ignoring you. Kids are like sponges and do mimic adults. On the other hand she is not your ex and with maturity she will develop her own coping mechanisms and responses independent of your ex.

                              My ex was abusive to the kids and I. One of my children in particular, now that they are a teen, are unconsciously mimicking his verbal abuse and threats when stressed. So much so the others comment and say this child is just like dad. With counselling and me reacting in a consistent limit setting manner, this child is slowly coming around ( they have also been diagnosed with PTSD).
                              Point is your daughter is not her mother and will come around if you don’t give up.

                              Comment

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