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  • #16
    Theres no reason your child should be alienated from their sibling. Have they reached out to them? Have you also set them up with counseling to cope? Then there is nothing you can do about what your ex does with the child.

    As for the rest of your story, being a stay at home parent is irrelevant. The bottom line is your third child has been alienated from everyone but their mother. Alienation is difficult to stop and you will simply be continuing the hurt your two children feel. You can continue to reach out to the child and have their siblings try too but you cannot force a relationship. The child has been brain washed and controlled by their parent.

    Focus on your two children who need psychological support. Getting them strong is the only thing controllable right now.

    Comment


    • #17
      Janus:
      1. I know my posts get long BUT I have had duty counsels say the same thing, lawyers say the same thing, family justice counselors say the same thing, an arbitrator say the same thing, members of the Hear the CHild society in BC say the same thing... The legal and social norm is a for children of a stay at home parent primarily resides with that parent.

      2. If financially left alone, I could have stayed paying my bills. That is I made enough money to pay my bills. I didn't have extra. My mortgage was my biggest bill. A bill I couldn't get out of because my house was upside down - by too much for me to cover : $75,000 such that I wasn't approved for a loan to downsize. So in this very real scenario - suddenly placing a family maintenance payment that was more than my mortgage on me BANKRUPTED me. The Bankruptcy Trustee said it, but I know a head of time because my father was a retired accountant who prepared my financial statement to the court. Had I not been burdened with payment I would not be bankrupt today. BUT the point is, has other stay at home parents on this form ever been burdened with such a payment. And I didn't get off paying support - instead I am bankrupt since 2013 and am ionly scheduled to be release this year. THAT"S how severe an impact it had. You are only supposed to be bankrupt for 9 or 21 months. Its impacted my ability to keep a lawyer.

      The way we budgeted in our home while together was I paid all the bills and her salary was all the extras: hockey tournaments, taking the kids to movies, going out for dinner once a month, we rarely vacationed and it was mostly just visiting family, we had to take a ferry to go anywhere and her salary paid for things like the ferry rides, all the optional stuff etc... My budget paid the bills - so on my own I could pay the bills. To even qualify for the mortgage which was the max we could get, we had to borrow money from a brother-in-law, so alone I wouldn't have been able to qualify - that's how we financed 3 years prior to separation - it couldn't be undone. Get it: yes support payments bankrupted me. I know its technically not supposed to happen, in reality it did happen. Judge was even told by my lawyer, if you make him pay anything, he's immediately in a bankrupt position - judge did it anyways. My parents kept me afloat for a year paying the support payments they knew I couldn't afford (my father was an accountant) and after a year, with the situation not resolved about where the children primarily reside, I was bankrupt. Later a judge would complain that my parents didn't continue paying - I'm not joking.

      3. I was bankrupt. At that point on work imposed leave. With 60% of my income because of it. I could not afford to rent a home and office. I had to move in with my parents, in another city because that is the worst case scenario I am describing - its not just losing a house. Its despite being an at home parent being financially bullied out of my children's lives. There weren't options in the isolated town we were in and my lawyer was heavy into real estate so I had expert advice on the situation.

      4. I'm bankrupt. AS you said you can't get out of paying ordered support. She is employed. THis scenario created a situation where three kids were with her all the time. It increased the already high amount being paid. On top of that, a court did increase above the table amounts. I go back on leave again because of stress - but it was employer ordered, not my choice. But again the backdrop is that I am stay at home parent, she's putting kids in daycare and eventually making the oldest a caregiver when he turned 12 - against his will

      5. All advice given from the Hear the Child Society of BC is that 12 year olds are listened too. AS well as lawyers, etc... The BC Legal Society instructed me to appeal stating it should be overturn. But guess what? I couldn't afford an appeal at this point.

      6. Stay at home vs Work at home. Work at home implies that my work would interfere with parenting or care of the home. It didn't. Why because my scenario was, and my employer even wrote the court, to explain I made my own hours around the kids schedules, even if they suddenly got sick half way through a school day...my kids never saw me work. So what's confusing? A mother providing home daycare claims she's a stay at home mom; but the reality is that job keeps them from their kids at times - its even an obligation if another child not her own is in crisis - I didn't have that at all. I didn't have to balance anything - simply work when kids in school - had holidays off, including summers - no daycare ever. What's confusing is holding it against me for being valuable.

      6. It was 50-50 but that caused financial havoc such that everything was lost and I couldn't afford to stay in the same town. At the same time, it was emotionally devastating to my children who were upset with the situation having at first going to daycare, then being left home alone - WHILE knowing their father is home and wanting to be with him - but being forbidden. Why forbidden? BEcause of the kids were with me, mom wouldn't get paid. And during this time, my kids would relay to my how I was trashed by their mother, they were forbidden from talking to me, talking about me, from ringing my doorbell, etc...that was the 50-50 period. Then I relocated for financial reasons imposed on me, kids would call allot the first month, mom took phone from them, mom took the internet router with her whereever she went so they couldn't contact my, mom then arranged for me to have a weekly call only to insist it be monitored which my kids hated, Monitors would then lie about the phone calls unknowing that I taped everything and I presented the court the recordings proving the false affidavits and the judge ignored it and let it continue. Sure, there is allot more to my story, plenty more. BUt before I get all into it I'm trying to find at least another stay at home parent who has been through the basics: had 50-50 imposed on them, had to pay their ex who would put kids in daycare, then leave them home alone, etc... I can go on and on about the alienation but how much do I until I find someone who started out the same as me, which is the YSB advice for me to find. You're a senior member: how many stay at home moms or fathers on here have been through this? I haven't seen my daughter in 5 years and my sons haven't seen her in 4 - i struggle, my sons struggle with. One son even has PTSD from his time with his mother - that's how serious the situation is.


      What am I going to do about this ongoing situation? How am I going to deal with my sons impacted by this same alienation? Well I follow all professional advice: the advice was to find someone, if they exist, on this form that has been through similar. I suggested to the folks at YSB that I won't find such help but they told me to try anyways.

      I know I'm being me focused when I list what's gone on and continues to go on - I'm not the most articulate but the point is I have two sons struggling. Struggling with a mother who keeps their sister from them. They think they will never see their sister again. They know how their mother is and know she is being turned against them. Its not all about me. I'm struggling with failing my kids.

      Comment


      • #18
        Rockscan: My sons are being helped. One is a YSB regular. It was the YSB's most recent advice to come to this forum. I know my children should not be kept from one another - I have no power in this situation - I'm dealing with an unreal situation that started as the very relevant stay at home parent being denied primary residence - it all stems from that - all the emotional anguish experienced by not just me, my kids, and all the academic struggles that followed, all the financial issues it created, all the distance created by the financial issues, etc... My oldest did a project in his high school Canadian Families class; he found that Stats Can Survey that indicates primary residence for one parent is the scenario for 92% of broken families - right away 50-50 is not normal. He has no friends that live in a 50-50 state in either province -just him. He doesn't understand why he was singled out. What he couldn't find was a stat on how many of the 8% of broken families have a stay at home parent - is he the only one. Don't act like I think about myself here, my focus is my kids and their struggles. They've asked counselors they've seen, who would then tell them directly that they have never seen a kid with 50-50 imposed on them when they have a parent at home...my sons don't even know the money situation - they are emotionally impacted. My sons are old enough now to know I am bankrupt, but they didn't when it happened. What they initially knew of the money situation, is their mom complaining that I don't pay her enough - so I had to explain that, yes I do pay mom, and she may not think it enough but its what's the court ordered. And they would ask all kinds of question based on shit mom said all the time...it was heart breaking knowing how young they were and being unloaded on.

        So its hard for me to just concentrate on the two with me not just because I miss my daughter and worry about how she's being brought up, but my sons miss their sister and worry about how she's being brought up - they lived in mom's house - they know exactly what she's like. They've dealt with threats of sedation, threats of foster care, threats of violence. One son even called the cops once on their mother because it was what social workers told him to do. So my sons have this history that they struggle with - its ongoing - i get them the care - my oldest has opted out the last couple years - the younger son, at 16, has had enough of coping and wants the problem addressed. He explains it like being in jail and people just wanting him to feel good about being in jail rather than helping him out of jail - why can't he see his sister is his major concern. He's already been ordered by doctors to have no interaction with his mother because its so toxic. He still occasionally calls his mom, what always follows is deep depression, it was a phone call 2 years ago that precipitated a suicide attempt.

        Again I am following the current professional advice: come on this forum and find someone else if they exist who's been through this.

        So I am well aware many fathers are limited to every second weekend scenarios because it stems from the mother being the primary parent or presumed to be, or actually is the parent who was traditionally around more for the children. I'm not looking to connect with those fathers - who are in a shit situation. Some, not all, of the situations are best for the kids, and they are definitely best for the kids if their is a stay at home mother. Is there a case here where a father got 50-50 when there is a stay at mother? I'd like to not speak with that father but they mother. That's what I'm trying to find. Someone in my situation, who I can related to. That's what I was advise to find. No one I know, despite knowing many broken families, knows a situation that a stay at home parent didn't have primary residence. I'm told it exists but no one seems to know anyone one in that scenario. How does that mother cope - knowing that someone decided her kids are better off in a daycare than with her? knowing that someone decided her kids are better off home alone than with her? knowing that even though her kids want to be with her and not in daycare, not home alone, that they have been ignored not just by the other parent but the courts as well - the Rights of the Child implies children should be heard - so in this case why shouldn't they? There has to be a reason. The reason given in my case was stress...visit HearTheChild.ca and read the whole point and all the studies suggest that stress is the reason to listen - not the reason not to listen.

        Comment


        • #19
          I summarize your situation:

          You moved across the country to some island residence into a home that you could not afford (had to have someone else help you purchase).

          You went into bankruptcy and have remained undischarged since 2013 (this is likely due to the fact that you earn substantially more than allowable monthly amounts; term of bankruptcy determined you have to pay into your estate longer than normal or you have opted not to make your bankruptcy payments). [Order of CS and timing of bankruptcy might prove to be relevant].

          Your father is a retired accountant so it is presumed that your bankruptcy and current financial situation is with his assistance/knowledge?

          You currently have 50/50 custody of your children. You work from home. You have never appealed decisions in Court of Appeal. You have a lawyer who primarily practices real estate law.

          In the past you have video-taped your children for use in court. You are frustrated that you perceive the judge ignores your submissions.

          Your children now do projects at school involving child custody.

          You have not seen your daughter in 5 years. Your 16-year old son is unhappy with not seeing his sister. This son had suicidal thoughts after interacting with his mother a few years ago.

          You have been told by many that your submissions are too lengthy.

          You feel that you are a "victim" and are looking for someone to commensurate with who is in a similar situation. You are on stress leave? You want to have CS payments readdressed.

          Comment


          • #20
            See if you can put your situation in a similar condensed version (no longer than mine). Then you might get some responses.

            Judges don't read lengthy submissions and neither do many on this forum.

            Hope this helps.

            Comment


            • #21
              Arabian:
              Here's the short version: stay at home parent seeking like parents, who have had 50-50 imposed. how do you cope? How do cope with unhappy children (unhappy to the point of suicide attempts)? In addition: a parent who hasn't seen one of their children in 5 years and the other children haven't since 4 years.

              Comment


              • #22
                Good start. Hope you get more replies.

                Keep in mind that you may not like responses. However, you might get some good advice. People on here have been through some part of legal process (few have gone through to trial).

                Comment


                • #23
                  Many stay at home parents have 50-50 imposed, you’re not the first and you won’t be the last. Your biggest issue seems to be you were forced to pay support. The difference in your situation is that you were not a typical stay at home parent... yes you stayed home but you still worked and made clearly a decent wage. Just because you stay home with the children doesn’t mean you don’t pay support. Support is based on income, regardless of someone being a stay at home parent. Access is what it is. 50-50 is the new norm, your job as a parent is encouraging your children to have a relationship with their mother, like she should be doing with you.

                  Selling a house is normal in separation, going into debt is normal, emotions are normal. There is nothing special about your situation. Sounds like the judge ruled on facts (you made more money so you pay support and mom isn’t a danger to the children so she gets 50-50).

                  I question why you haven’t been back to court to regain access to your daughter?


                  Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

                  Comment

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