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  • Referencing Proper Last Name?

    Question for the Group:

    My ex has always treated our child as "their" child only. Left me off the birth registration and did not reflect me in the name. Separation agreement has me added to the birth registration and changed name to a hyphenated last name. Separation agreement says the we are to use hyphenated last name as the identity of our child, etc.

    Problem is that my ex and extended family only refer to their own last name and drop off finishing off the hyphenated last name. Both when verbally referencing our child's name, or when signing up our child for activities. My name last name is never reflected. So annoying, insulting, dismissive, etc.

    Mentioning the situation to the other parent is like setting off an explosion, and then I have the finger pointed at me for having the nerve to bring it up, or suggesting that I am the one looking to cause trouble... Suggesting that I am making a deal out of nothing. Thoughts? I know its not something to go crying to a judge about. It is contempt of judge order though, but based on my story versus theirs and I recognize its not a battle to bring forward to a judge. Ex refuses much needed counseling to learn to co-parent or acknowledge me as a parent. Very frustrating...

  • #2
    If you are bringing it up- knowing it sets off a conflict- then you ARE making a big deal out of nothing.

    Is it on your daughter's official documents? Is it on the school registration?

    It's frustrating- but with petty exes. Why bother?

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    • #3
      Per our settlement we're hyphenating our daughter's last name to be "Ex-Mine"...but her school has always called her "D3 My-last-name" not "D3 Ex's-last-name"...she thinks her name is "D3 My-last-name"...I tell her it's Ex-Mine, but she forgets 1/2 the time. She'll get it.

      My ex called raging because D3 refers to herself by my last name. I just told him the legal last name is going to be Ex-Mine. We should both just gently correct her. And then I let it go.

      I'm sure he's getting ready to blast me with our PC. But meh.

      Edit- also- I used to get ragey about something similar. So I do understand:

      For the longest time- my ex's sister basically took care of our daughter during his time with her- because she was the supervisor. She has 3 young kids and they would call her Mama. So our daughter started calling her Mama too. It was weird. And also inappropriate in my opinion- because she was more than 2.5yrs old and still doing it. It made my blood boil to hear her call someone else Mama. Esp. since when she would call my father 'Dad'- because she heard me do it; I would correct her and tell her to call him Grandpa. ANYWAYS. I had to let it go- because obviously she knew who her Mama was. And as weird and creepy and inappropriate it was for her to call my ex's gross sister-wife "mama"- if I had made a big deal of it, it would've just been feeding into the conflict for nothing.
      Last edited by iona6656; 11-01-2019, 10:39 AM.

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      • #4
        I am making a deal out of it as my ex has constantly marginalized and minimized me as a parent, thinking the child is only theirs and I am second tier. My last name is on official documents. I had to write email to school to correct the name as my ex wasn't going to do it. All extra-curricular activities, my ex only uses their last name as opposed to hyphenated. When verbally referencing our child, my ex only uses their last name.

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        • #5
          So just correct it and mosey on your way. Do you think taking a stand on this is going to magically get your ex to stop being petty and ignorant?

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          • #6
            Not the hill to die on. The name on an activity form means nothing. If the hyphenation is on the school docs, medical docs, official paperwork then let it go. Fighting with her over it provides an opportunity for her to point the finer at you as difficult. You are giving her ammunition. Stop.

            When she starts taking time away, making decisions without your consent, refusing communication and alienating you THEN be upset about being marginalized. It’s just a name. Stop freaking out about it.

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            • #7
              Originally posted by iona6656 View Post
              So just correct it and mosey on your way. Do you think taking a stand on this is going to magically get your ex to stop being petty and ignorant?
              This is my recommendation. Simply correct it and move on. The ex knows it bothers you, so they are likely to continue to act like this going forward. If you remove the fuel, there will likely be less fire for them to want to annoy you.

              At best you could send an email advising that you were at X activity/service provider (doctor/dentist/dance etc.) and saw the name was incorrect in their records and that you corrected it. That going forward the ex should make efforts to ensure the child's name is correctly recorded when registered.

              But outside of that, I wouldn't get twisted. My ex was similar. While my ex did list me on the notice of birth and asked me to sign, my last name was not included. I brought it up, and that went over about as well as nuclear bomb. At the time, and given my frame of mind, I felt it was more important to see my kid than to create disputes. So to this day my kid has my ex's last name only. My daughter knows she is also part me, which is more important to me than a name ( she looks more like my side anyway, lol) .

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              • #8
                Great advice! My ex will never change their mind and carry on as though I am nothing in our child's life. If they cannot take care of our kid when they are sick and its their day, believe me I am last on the list to step in to help out even though I would do it in a heartbeat. My understanding is that the whole petty stuff and going out of your way to restrict the other parent eventually gets revealed or the kid catches on and it backfires on the offending parent.

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                • #9
                  It would appear petty on your part as well. As long as the names are on all legal documents and school items it’s really a non starter. My husband was worried about his kids removing his name from their names but they both use his name and only his on everything. They are both old enough to change it but chose not to.

                  Don’t get into the weeds like this. All it does is give your ex ammunition to prove you are whatever she has determined you are—control freak, petty etc.

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                  • #10
                    Originally posted by Brampton33 View Post
                    Glad I found this thread....as I think this issue applies to my situation. I had to fight in court to get my last name referenced in our children's legal names, so now it is a hyphenated last name.

                    My ex made a stink about ensuring that her last name was first in the order of hyphenated last names. I always thought it was in alphabetical order. I looked at what happens when married people hyphenate their names too. It is all over the place and there are no clear answers on what is the norm. I wondered why my ex was making such a stink about the order, but now its starting to make sense.....

                    My thoughts is that my ex (being possessive of our kids) is hoping that our kids simply adopt using their first part of their last name and drop the rest. Or when people refer to our kids, they only say the first part of the last name and not the whole hyphenated last name, and so kids just go with it. Any ideas how to deal with this? It is really petty on the part of my ex, and I hate the fact that she plays psychological games when it involves our kids.
                    It's so funny how things can change in 2 short years.

                    After we settled everything through court proceedings- our settlement agreement said we would change D5's last name to a hyphenated version: Ex-Mine.

                    However, the more I thought about it- the more I realized it didn't really matter. My ex's last name is easier- 5 letters- v. my last name (9letters)....so giving D5 a hyphenated last name is just kinda mean (14letters long? lol)...and his last name is early in the alphabet (score).

                    I recently asked her if she wanted to change her last name to have both Dada's and Mama's last name and she decided she liked Dada's last name. She has my first name as her middle name. So...meh. Dad's last name it is.

                    If she's older and wants my last name- sure.

                    In other words- like HammerDad said- as long as you're spending time with your kids- they KNOW they are part of you. The name thing isn't really that important.

                    (But also- I still hate that my daughter called my ex's gross sister-wife 'mama' for a time)

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                    • #11
                      Originally posted by Brampton33 View Post
                      My last name is shorter and earlier in the alphabet so applying the same logic would mean using my last name only if that logic were to be applied.

                      However, unlike Iona, my ex is extremely possessive and vindictive. She treats our separation as a literal war. My ex would not have the ability to put child first ahead of her narcissistic, petty and vindictive motives as Iona has.

                      A lot of people who act like this need to be ignored. Which is why this forum came up with my favourite phrase—is this a hill to die on? Do you really want to be fighting with your ex over every bloody thing? Is it worth fighting her over every little thing?

                      Sure it’s frustrating and annoying but in the end most of the stuff needs to be ignored. They are still your kids whichever name they go by.


                      Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

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                      • #12
                        Your kids will learn from both of you as they age. Which one is petty and vindictive and which one is reasonable. I use myself as an example. When my mother had reached the end of any possible court action with my father she made a big deal about firing her lawyer and finding someone else to do her bidding. Us kids (who were young adults) told her no. She stopped speaking to us for a week but we held strong. Years later the two of them got into a petty argument/behaviour at a sibling’s wedding. All they did was make us put them in a time out to think about their behaviour. My father still pulls shit and it results in me ignoring him on a regular basis. Your kids will learn. As long as you remain a constant in their life, nothing can change that. Plus their mother’s actions will eventually impact them and possibly change their attitude towards her. Who wants to live with a high maintenance asshole parent when you can live with one who treats you normal?

                        During my husband’s recent court action his ex would bait him with shit and he wanted to respond so badly. His lawyer and I reminded him it was pointless. Nothing was ever going to change her attitude—including the judge who ordered significant costs against her for her actions.

                        Some people will never change and they take great joy in getting under your skin. Don’t let them! As my therapist has always said—you can’t change other people’s behaviour, you can only change your reaction to it.

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                        • #13
                          A rose by any other name is still a rose.
                          Your child by any other name is still your child.

                          I have witnesses the silliest attempt to create conflict on a name in a court file ever. High conflict parent went out and got one of those "royal" titles from those scam sites you see popping up on Facebook etc. Attached it to their surname and then told the child the only way they would get the title is if they used that parent's surname.

                          So obviously the child wanted a royal title one day passed on by that parent so demanded that their surname be that parent's name.

                          Not sure how that one has turned out but, it is quite possibly the stupidest thing I have seen in an affidavit ever. They even attached the fake certificate from the scam sites of their "royal" title. Ugh.

                          I would recommend everyone drop the "name game nonsense".

                          Sing this wonderful and fun song "The Name Game" by Shirley Ellis with your children's names and be done with it.

                          https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5MJL...nel=soulrocket

                          No matter what "name" the child has they still identify YOU as their parent and that is all that matters!

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                          • #14
                            What Taken said. A name is something a child is given not who they are. They know who they are. One parent may try to dismiss the other by not acknowledging them or including their name in the child’s name but this tactic does not work and is immature and petty. My household is a really strange one for names. The youngest children and I have my married last name. The oldest has changed theirs to my maiden name. I also have legal custody of my grandchildren ( that’s another story for another day). The grandchildren don’t have either parent’s last name but a unique last name the mother chose at their birth. Because I have sole custody and decision making with my grandchildren I could easily change their last names to mine. I don’t, to honour the memory of their mother and because I really like their last name. It’s doesn’t matter anyway because they know who I am and what role I play in their lives.

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                            • #15
                              Originally posted by Brampton33 View Post
                              My last name is shorter and earlier in the alphabet so applying the same logic would mean using my last name only if that logic were to be applied.

                              However, unlike Iona, my ex is extremely possessive and vindictive. She treats our separation as a literal war. My ex would not have the ability to put child first ahead of her narcissistic, petty and vindictive motives as Iona has.
                              Here's a thought- why don't you just let them keep mom's last name?

                              Have you already changed their name? If not- why fight about this?

                              Comment

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