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  • Coparenting Woes

    I have been receiving the usual barrage of weekly emails from my ex even though our matter has settled (in January) and there is a new agreement. Lately he has been accusing me of not coparenting because a) I make decisions at my house that I don’t consult him about and b) I don’t usually respond to his emails because I don’t wish to fuel the fire (important kid business is responded to). Examples of decisions I have made at my house he is angry about are: allowing my child to (tastefully) dye her hair, allowing my child to sign up for a joint Instagram account with myself that is fully monitored by me, allowing the kids to watch a PG13 tv show with me. Etc
    So because he is so angry at me, he has told the kids that Mommy doesn’t believe in coparenting so we will be “dividing” the households then. This means sports he usually supported on his parenting time he will no longer bring the kids to. This is devastating to my daughter who is wishing to try out for a competitive team in her sport but won’t be able to do so if she attends only half the practices. In fact, I’d likely just have to take her out of the sport altogether.

    What can I do about this? Is he free to just decide to keep them home on his parenting time even though there is a well established status quo of him supporting their sports in the past?
    I hate to see him using the kids like this as it’s not punishing me, it’s only punishing them.
    Any thoughts greatly appreciated.


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  • #2
    Crap!!! Sounds like your ex is a control freak. And is trying to rob you of being a parent to your child(ren). I hope you dont take your daughter out of her sport, I think its important that children have something to do that they love, it could keep them outta trouble in their teenage years. The hair, instagram and TV watching is trivial imo, just ignore but keeping her involved in sport that she love is worth fighting for.

    If it was me, I think I would take his sorry ass to court and let a Judge tell him what the meaning of Best Interest of the Child is. Forget trying to mediate, I think in your situation its a game for him.

    What a sad life he must lead, if it revolves around you and what you are doing, I feel sorry for his partner, if he has one, i wouldn't want to be in a relationship that focused on what my partners ex was doing.

    Its ironic when our children are born and we have all these hopes and dreams for them, and it ends up like this.

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    • #3
      As your ex has demonstrated, hes a pain in the ass. You could simply remind him that:

      A) what goes on at your house is none of his business
      B) refusing to take the children to their activities hurts the kids not you
      C) discussing disputes he has with you with the children is detrimental to them.

      Hes going to continue to be a jerk no matter what you do though and he has demonstrated he has zero reasoning skills. You could remind him that co-parenting doesnt mean you get to control what the other parent does, it means you do what IS IN THE BEST INTEREST OF THE CHILD. Its not like you took your kid to get their tongue pierced and a tattoo. Or that you are selling them on the dark net.

      You may have to simply lay low with the kids for a few years to keep this ass happy. In the end hes only hurting himself. The kids will stop wanting to spend time with him after they see hes a jerk. Sad really.

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      • #4
        Originally posted by rockscan View Post
        B) refusing to take the children to their activities hurts the kids not you.
        That's precisely the reason for him doing it. Presumably SHE doesn't want the kids hurt, so she's supposed to cave into his demands because of this tactic.

        He may be bluffing.

        Keep coparenting on the major decisions (of which enrolling child in a competitive sport is one) and do your own thing on the minor ones (hairstyle, choice of TV show in each house, etc). I would ignore his ranting and let the kid try out for the sport, and then see what he does if she makes the team. If he really does refuse to take her to practices on his time, then you can take action.

        How old is the kid in question? Could she get to practice on her own if you agree to meet her there with her equipment?

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        • #5
          Who is paying for the child sport?

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          • #6
            He's insane, but I do agree about the Instagram account. I don't think kids should be on social media but I know I'm in the minority there...

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            • #7
              Originally posted by Rioe View Post
              That's precisely the reason for him doing it. Presumably SHE doesn't want the kids hurt, so she's supposed to cave into his demands because of this tactic.

              He may be bluffing.

              Keep coparenting on the major decisions (of which enrolling child in a competitive sport is one) and do your own thing on the minor ones (hairstyle, choice of TV show in each house, etc). I would ignore his ranting and let the kid try out for the sport, and then see what he does if she makes the team. If he really does refuse to take her to practices on his time, then you can take action.

              How old is the kid in question? Could she get to practice on her own if you agree to meet her there with her equipment?


              No she couldn’t and he would never allow it anyway. I would absolutely drive her every time. I am hoping you are right about the bluffing. We shall see...


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              • #8
                Originally posted by kate331 View Post
                Who is paying for the child sport?


                I do the registering. A portion of his child support is contributed to sports. There is a very specific budget laid out in the agreement with a cap he will not exceed even if the sports cost more than what is worked into child support.


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                • #9
                  Originally posted by ensorcelled View Post
                  He's insane, but I do agree about the Instagram account. I don't think kids should be on social media but I know I'm in the minority there...


                  I opened a joint account with her. We both post on it and all her friends have to be my friends too. I know there are different points of view on it but who gets to make that decision? It’s a slippery slope if you govern every move your ex partner makes. He has made stupid decisions I don’t agree with as well but I know that the nature of divorce means I won’t get a say with the day to day stuff on his time. I feel that his issues are more about controlling me than what he thinks are the best interests of his children. Sometimes I think he has the polar opposite viewpoint just to have a reason to email me.


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                  • #10
                    This might well come back to bite him, your daughter might very well resent the fact she cant play her sport while at Dads, and decide to stay at Moms full time.
                    Last edited by kate331; 03-15-2018, 12:16 AM. Reason: spelling

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                    • #11
                      Can I ask how often he has the kids and when the sports are? I’m just talking from experience but my step daughter plays a sport that is every Sunday... which means on our EOW instead of having the kids until 5-6 like we normally do we have to drop them off at noon to the arena... so we lose 5 hours basically every weekend we have them. Then there are tournaments that always seem to fall on our weekends and this usually means my step daughter spends the weekend with her mom since her step dad coaches and it’s usually out of town... it gets tough because we give up a lot of time with my step daughter (my step son always comes he won’t miss a visit)... we give up the time because it’s what she wants to do and she enjoys it. We watch her games but we still lose out on time because we live 1.5 hours from where the games are so we can’t take them back home only to turn around and meet at 6pm.

                      I’m sure your ex is just being difficult but I’m just trying to provide a different perspective. It sucks missing that time when you have so little, but it does have to be about the kids


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                      • #12
                        Shes not upset about missing time. Shes upset that he will stop kid from going to her fave activity because hes a jerk.

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                        • #13
                          Originally posted by rockscan View Post
                          Shes not upset about missing time. Shes upset that he will stop kid from going to her fave activity because hes a jerk.


                          Um that was exactly my point... he’s missing time on his parenting time because of the activity. Which is why I asked what his parenting time was like.

                          As I said, it’s a jerk move yes but if he only has EOW an activity can take up a lot of that time


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                          • #14
                            No hes refusing to hand kid back and take kid to activity. Hes going to make kid sit at his place when she should be at her activity. Hes not even giving up time. Hes making kid give up anything she enjoys to punish mom.

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                            • #15
                              Originally posted by rockscan View Post
                              No hes refusing to hand kid back and take kid to activity. Hes going to make kid sit at his place when she should be at her activity. Hes not even giving up time. Hes making kid give up anything she enjoys to punish mom.


                              Well if it is on his parenting time he is giving up parenting time. What you’re suggesting is he is withholding her parenting time so the child doesn’t go to the activity? I’m not saying what he is doing is right and I disagree with it 100% but if it’s his parenting time it’s really his choice on what to do. All he’s doing is hurting his daughter but we all know we can’t force someone to be a good parent. Unless it’s in the order that he must have her there, he really isn’t breaking any rules, just being a crappy parent


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