Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

joint custody

Collapse
X
 
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • joint custody

    Question regarding joint custody for two kids of 11 yrs and respectively 8 yrs old, the 11 yrs old with ADD, I have been the primary care-giver financially and physically, my ex claims that he is the one that took care of the kids while I was going through equivalency for my licence in Canada (which is not real at all,I struggled all along and worked full time at the same time, him being a typical eastern European man). He wants shared custody for the child support purposes , I would have to pay him couple hundred monthly, otherwise if residential it's with me he would have to pay big time. I told him I don't need not even a loonie from him, I managed up to now paying everything. He just wants that because he wants to punish me. I told him he has open access to them, both kids need stability, specially our son. He has an alcohol issue as well.
    How can I get the residential with me? I am just thinking of the best of the kids. Also he was to restrict us to stay in the area of 25 km around just because he wants it, I tried to reason with him in regards to the time of high school and what is the best for the kids but there is no way of reasoning.
    I woud appreciate any advice.

  • #2
    Huh? My bullshit meter is kind of wiggling now. In your other post you presented that you are a practicing dentist in early career. Now you indicate that you have 3 kids - one special needs. So how did you get through university and "physically and financially" pull things off?

    You are not yet licensed in Canada?

    Sometimes in life we make choices.

    Comment


    • #3
      I have two kids, one with ADD, licenced in Canada, went thorugh the direct licencing and working at the same time.....studying at night and taking vacations from work before the exams for reviews. I hope this helps

      Comment


      • #4
        I have 2 special needs kids. What's the status quo now, who are the children living with and whats the access schedule? Usually a Judge doesn't want to upset that. Child support is the right of the child, so even if you can support them financially you should expect to pay or be paid.

        If you were working during the day, and studying at night who was taking care of the children? I assume the children are in some sort of school daycare program while you both worked, but during the evening while you were studying can I assume he was?? I too go to night school, and if I don't hire a helper/sitter no studying is getting done.

        As far as stability for your special needs child, a week about schedule for them would be more stable then the EOW 1 day a week schedule or an open schedule (although I have never heard of an open schedule, who would want their ex dropping by all the time) its less transitions for the children. In my experience its the transitions that are difficult for special needs children, they don't cope well with disruptions in their routine, and I believe longer stretches of time in each home alleviates this, so do school/daycare pick up and drop offs. Also key is the daily schedule which is ideal if they can be mirrored in each home (I know easier, said then done) there are agencies out there that can help you.

        Comment


        • #5
          We were both getting home at 6 pm, they were both in daycare/before and after school. I would cook, clean, feed kids and put them to bed, after that self study. I would fall asleep with my head on the books. If he would stay with them, the TV would be on and sitting on the couch. Sort of a baby sitting. He went couple of times to zoo and museum and he put that in the application as he took them everywhere to let me study.
          For now we are under the same roof, house on the market. 6:30 pm he is in bed, on the days when I work late hours (two days a week) as soon as I enter he goes to sleep. He does not contribute at all to their care, by any means. Historically he used the money that were in RESP for the oldest because he had access to the account.
          About the daily schedule this is really hard, ipads and TV it's the only way he knows to spend time with them, which I read here that each parent has its own parenting ways and no kne can hold the other one accoutable for what they are doing on their time with the kids.
          Everything comes down to money for him because up to know I provided and took care of the bills and kids and he run the credits.
          He has a drinking problem and even after the judge said for hkm to refrain while withbthe kids he is hiding qnd drinking even with the kids under his care. I can not trust him having the kids and without someone watching what he is doing.

          Comment


          • #6
            He was still parenting, even if it was sitting on the couch watching TV with them while you were studying. Zoo and museum, still parenting and makes him look like an awesome parent. Its a he said, she said situation. You are correct you cant tell him how to parent if he chooses to use ipads (which I know are troublesome for special needs children) or the TV.

            He may be in for a rude awakening when he eventually has to set up his own home and pay his own bills, I remember it being difficult for me.

            I agree the alcohol use is concerning, this could be a child protection concern. Is CAS involved? If they dont have a problem with it either will a Judge. You cant "police" your ex unfortunately.

            I think your in for an uphill and costly battle.

            Comment


            • #7
              You want to refuse shared custody because of the child support purposes too. The difference is you don’t want him to get his way.

              The kids are 11 and 8. They aren’t breast feeding infants (and even then they should still see both parents). So what if he was a crappy husband and lazy father. He’s still their father.

              Agree to shared custody and get over yourself. Stop using excuses to reason out why he shouldn’t be with his kids. Your children deserve both parents equally.

              Comment


              • #8
                I want what it's best for them: stability and safe environment. I did not say I don't agree with visits and time they spend with him, he is still their father. It's not about his way or my way from my end. It's what it's best for the kids and they deserve the best.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Whats best is equal time with both parents or what the courts like to call maximum contact. Hes their father regardless of how you feel about his parenting. Just because you did all the cooking and cleaning doesnt mean he cant be a good parent if he had to do it along.

                  That’s what is best for the kids. Both parents.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    I think everyone will agree it’s best for children is to have an equal relationship with both parents from the get go.

                    Separation/divorce is hard enough for kids, then to have a parent just visit? Where is your logic there?

                    I know first hand the stress level for a parent with a special needs child. Not to mention the burn out rate, I’ve been there many times and have resorted to residential care.

                    I don’t mean to sound derogatory but I call them “Super Mom’s” they fake they can do it all, yet their falling apart inside. I just don’t understand any parent not jumping at the chance to share parenting responsibilities.

                    Does it bother me sometimes that are parenting skills are different? Yup, but we both have our strengths and weaknesses. Denying your child that when you have a parent willing to do I don’t get it.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Just wanted to add this: Assuming your child’s special needs are being monitored by a physician and there is a treatment plan in place which I have for both my children, I have never encountered a professional saying stability is based on only one parent when both are willing. Stability is based on 2 active parents following the treatment plan in their respective homes. It falls apart when one parent bails. Sounds to me your ex is sticking around.

                      I would reach out to your child’s support team for guidance. If your situation ends up in court a Judge will want to know their opinions and most likely through an OCL report. Be proactive and get a plan in place with their helped based on the best interest of the children.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        I see and understand your point. My point is this man left home three times since we have the kids, last time moved out for a month with the statement that he wants to spend time with the kids only when he is not tired. He came back only when I agreed to put the down payment for a house. At that time he had no claim for spousal and child because there was no difference inbhow much we were earning. Everything is connected to money for him. He has no patience whatsoever with the older one with ADD.
                        If I would trust him for the care of the children I would have no problem. He would not want to put them in tutoring even that made a huge difference if he would have to pay for half of the expense.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          You can always try but I think your case is weak. Sounds like he knows his rights and is holding firm now by staying in the home this time. Hopefully the 2 of you won’t spend your kids education funds and life saving in court.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            He left before for a period of time? Irrelevant.
                            He refused to pay for things? Irrelevant.
                            He was difficult and didn’t agree with you? Irrelevant.

                            Best advice? Don’t waste your money fighting for full custody. Split the time 50/50 and agree to specific items like tutoring in the agreement. The kids WILL benefit from the time with both parents.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Originally posted by lorely View Post
                              I see and understand your point. My point is this man left home three times since we have the kids, last time moved out for a month with the statement that he wants to spend time with the kids only when he is not tired. He came back only when I agreed to put the down payment for a house. At that time he had no claim for spousal and child because there was no difference inbhow much we were earning. Everything is connected to money for him. He has no patience whatsoever with the older one with ADD.
                              If I would trust him for the care of the children I would have no problem. He would not want to put them in tutoring even that made a huge difference if he would have to pay for half of the expense.
                              Honestly- it sounds like IS a money issue with your ex. I'm of a different opinion with others in this thread.

                              First thing I would do if I were you would be to get him into divorce/co-parent counselling. Put it to him there if he wants to have 50/50 would be okay with no CS being exchanged. See what his motivations really are...

                              Also- have you thought about some counselling for you? Divorce is hard...and sometimes bad feelings get in the way of what is good for your kids.

                              Comment

                              Our Divorce Forums
                              Forums dedicated to helping people all across Canada get through the separation and divorce process, with discussions about legal issues, parenting issues, financial issues and more.
                              Working...
                              X