are a mother or father and denied access?

[Ihave2kidsIcannotsee]

I am trying to find out how many mothers using this forum are denied access to their children verses how many fathers using this forum are denied access. Please state whether you are a mother or father and how many children you have plus how long you have been denied access and for what reasons if any? If you wish to share more about your story just to vent please feel free to do so.

[Ihave2kidsIcannotsee]

I am a male and I have 2 children a son that is 15 and a daughter that is 12. I have not been allowed access to my children now for over 5 years with one visit 4 years ago that was supervised. I have done nothing to warrant my children not wanting to see me. This all started when my new wife came into the picture then the access started to be denied until it was cut off all together. The reasons my children give are as follows: Daddy bought me a TV and I could not take it home (tv was to stay at Daddy's house for her to use when she was up for a visit) Daddy left us with a babysitter a couple times and was not around for the visit (I occasionally had to do so as I work would interfere with our visit, but only for a few hours not the whole visit and only maybe 3 times in the 10 years I had visits) or Daddy yelled at us and was negative towards us. ( what parent never raises his voice and I was never negative towards them) Daddy often lied and broke many promises (I never lied to my children and I never broke promises) This is so frustrating I mean children from a normal relationship are going to have things they don't like in life, for instance being left with a nanny but that doesn't mean they don't want to see their parents anymore, its sickening to me that a court can look at this and say oh yah of course his children don't want to see him he's a monster. sorry needed to vent!

[Ihave2kidsIcannotsee]

shoot I accidentally voted for women on the poll but meant to vote for men I think I need sleep as my little one had me and my wife up most of the night.

[billm]

It would be informative if you also state who is denying access - the courts, the kids, the ex, or a combination.

[About_Time]

The poll question is not the same as what you are asking in the thread, so I didn't answer. Do I think the court system is biased against men? Absolutely. Am I being denied access to my children by the courts? No. Frankly, I'm not even being denied access by my EX. It's the one thing she's handled appropriately thus far.

[Ihave2kidsIcannotsee]

just because the pol question is not the same as the question in the thread does not mean you can't answer it, it is almost on the same issue.

[Ihave2kidsIcannotsee]

To clarify my situation I was denied access by my ex but the court order for access was not upheld even when the Police got involved no one wants to take the order seriously so I take it the court system is for people who want to spend money but get no action. Whats the point of spending thousands on a lawyer to get a court order for access if their is no one upholding the order in the first place. The custodial parent knows she/he can get away with it so they deny access but if the non-custodial parent were to not pay their support the non-custodial parent would end up behind bars or have his wages garnished and retroactive pay handed to the custodial parent. In my eyes the courts are biased to the custodial parent they always get what they want.

[About_Time]

I don't think the court, in that instance, is showing any bias with regards to access. You were granted access by the courts and it is your EX who is denying it to you, in contravention of that order. The courts aren't denying you access, your ex is. Place the blame where it should be.

As to the lack of enforcement, the police have a tendancy to avoid these situations whenever possible. It's a domestic mess with enough grey area to make them wary of coming in and intervening. From a practical persepctive, they don't want to barge into the custodial parent's home and forcibly remove the children so you can have them for the weekend - and quite frankly I doubt the order gives them the power to do this anyhow. It's like putting out a kitchen fire by blowing up the house.

Your only recourse is through the courts which, as I understand it, gets really peeved when people blatantly ignore its orders. Will this cost you money? Absolutely. Will you get all of your costs back? Probably not, though you probably would get some. Would your ex fight it with all sorts of crazy accusations? Quite probably. Document everything, keep cool and drag the ex into court.

Look, it sucks, but what is the option? Court is a nightmare but in the end your ex would be forced to adhere to the access order. If this is a chronic problem, the courts will take stronger and stronger steps to make sure you get your access.

What else can they do? I'm not sure what the expectation is here. What's the solution?

[Ihave2kidsIcannotsee]

I tried going to court but the judge would not hear anything I had to say she kept saying we don't want to hear that. My son apparently stated by my ex in her affidavit will kill me if the court makes him see me and there is no reason for these feelings yet when I ask the judge if she can get a psychologist involved to see if this is a possible case of parental alienation syndrome she says Mr... we don't want to hear about that. What am I supposed to do if the judge will not even listen to a thing I have to say I wrote up a huge affidavit responding to all the lies my ex has made and the judge did not even read it. The children have their own lawyer and she is all buddy buddy with my ex and her new partner but when I try to talk to her she just walks away. I am so frustrated I think the system is messed up even if you don't. Why make us spend money to get a court order anyways when I have done nothing wrong and I have joint custody of my children why do I need an order anyways, she doesn't. I am out of words and lost the fight I am tired and feel like giving up.

[About_Time]

It becomes a lot more difficult once the kids are at an age where they can start influencing the proceedings. If your kids don't want to see you, a judge is going to be wary of forcing them to at that age - especially the 15 year old. The judge's job is in large part to look out for the well-being of the kids. If the kids don't want to see you and the judge thinks - rightly or wrongly - that that desire is justified he/she has to restrict access.

That being said, I think the courts should be more open to hearing both sides and from what you've said so far it doesn't appear to be the case here. Ultimately, the only way you are going to fix this is to do the following:

1) Stop being angry. Easier said than done, but make sure all your bitterness over this process is kept here. If it spills over and involves your ex and your kids, it's only going to help your ex. Also, the angrier your ex is at you, the harder she's going fight you. I'm not saying send her flowers and chocolates, but don't get into daily screaming matches either.

2) Repeatedly let it be known that you want more access to the kids. Let the ex know and do so in a fashion (letter, email) which can be proven. You need to establish a history of wanting increased access or else the ex could spin you as a negligent dad. Most importantly, you need to let your KIDS know. They are in the middle of a tug-of-war - the best thing you can do for them is consistantly let them know that you love them and want to see them more often. Their wishes on the matter will matter more and more as they get older, so lay a positive groundwork now.

3) Don't badmouth the ex. If your kids come to you with some lie your ex told them, you can address it, but never badmouth the ex. Eventually, the hope is that your kids see the negativity as one-sided and recognize that you aren't using them to further your own dislike of your ex.

4) Record EVERYTHING. Every single missed access time. Every conversation (tape record them). Every letter. Every email. Every broken promise. Every receipt. EVERYTHING. If you want to win more access in court you not only have to win over your kids, but you have to show a pattern of positive, reasonable, concerted effort on your part and of negative, unreasonable and obstructive behaviour on your ex's part.

5) Get a lawyer. Even if you can't afford to have one for the motion itself, it is well worth the money to have an hour or two to go over your case and get guidance.

6) When the time is right, take her back to court and demand that the existing access order be respected. If the exisiting order is what's screwing you, then ask to have it altered. You just need to make sure your kids are on board though, or else it'll never fly. This will be the toughest part, IMHO.

[Olderdad]

Separation 4 years ago, supervised access for six months once per week, then nothing. Requests go unanswered, and no orders to vary access allowed by court until costs are paid. Costs and support are exorbitant; support is based on imputted income that has never materialized.

I am a father, whose daughters are now 8 and 5. Their mother will never give in.

[singledad99]

I am one of those very few fortunate men who have the custody of their children. Yet, whenever I am in the court for other matters I am treated like a criminal. My ex's lawyer bullies me around and makes up affidavits out of nowhere. There is a mountain of allegations against me including abuse, parental alienation, denial of access, coaching the child, you name it. No evidence, whatsoever, as they are all false. As a matter of fact, when OCL came aboard they found all the opposite was true. Despite the proven facts that the ex is mentally ill, is abusing the child emotionally and says negative things about me, I was told that reducing the access would be a tough sell.

I think family court is not helpful whether you are a man or woman. However, it clearly takes woman's side and tends to favour women whenever there is a dispute.

[Kimberley]

My first time around, I found the process useless and a waste of much needed money for my children. The second time around I think was much better due to first and foremost my representing myself, thus being able to know what was going on the entire time, and having control over what was being submitted to the court. Also, my ex's lawyer was actually (for the most part) quite reasonable and appeared to have informed him that his undue hardship claim would not get through, that if they made no offer to settle I would likely take it to trial and it would cost him not only his legal fees, but the court would very likely make him pay my 'costs' because he was being very unreasonable.

I think a lot of it comes down to the lawyers, whether they are just out for the almighty buck, and the judge who may have seen far too much bickering between parents to really care about his/her actual job anymore.
I think judges in family law should be required to take breaks from the bench so they stop burning out or becoming numb to situations.