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  • High conflict in Custody Cases

    It's not out of the ordinary to expect high conflict in Family court, but how much weight does a judge put on the fact that parents have a hard time communicating when trying to rule for or against joint custody ?

    My daughter is living with my ex but we have yet to reach any kind of agreement. She constantly claims that we can't communicate and blows everything out of proportion, she also makes decisions regarding our daughter without consulting me, all for the obvious reason of gaining sole custody.... If I take her to court, will I be fighting an uphill losing battle on the basis that my ex has been caring for our daughter more than I and that we can't communicate ?

  • #2
    Do you think that they might be deliberately trying to push your buttons by not consulting you? I'd be upset too. I think I would start reasonable communication in writing to show it's them that is not communicating.

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    • #3
      Hello Logicalvelocity,

      I asked for the reason why she only informed me that she is putting our 14 month old in a daycare the day before. No answer.

      I research that daycare and found that the lady that runs it was not certified or had any formal education in the subject, just a stay at home mom that decided to run a daycare business. Asked for both of us to look for a suitable daycare until I move close to her area and take on the responsibilities of caring for our daughter (3 days a week), she refused.

      After many settlement offers, she sends me one (without prejudice) that basically states she should have sole custody and that I will be paying my portion of the daycare expenses...

      So yes, she is absolutely pushing my buttons...

      The question is, if I don't do anything about this will my request for joint custody be weak ? or is it already weak by the fact that my daughter lives with an ex that doesn't want to communicate ?

      Comment


      • #4
        The question is, if I don't do anything about this will my request for joint custody be weak ? or is it already weak by the fact that my daughter lives with an ex that doesn't want to communicate ?

        If you don't do anything, I think your position will diminish. I was in a similar situation which they alleged no historical communication and or co-operation. Fortunately, I did do something about it by way of resorting to communication in writing to them and to their lawyer. Many denials of information and contact occurred. Some was just plain mean spirited. Many decisions concerning our child were made without any of my input or knowledge. However thats water under the bridge. At the end of the day, the overwhelming written communication spoke for itself and I think the Judge actually listened to what I had to say. The outcome was joint custody.

        How is it working to the benefit of our child now - wonderful. Strangely, we seldom communicate in writing anymore now as parents but actually have one on one respectable conversations.

        Comment


        • #5
          The question is, if I don't do anything about this will my request for joint custody be weak ? or is it already weak by the fact that my daughter lives with an ex that doesn't want to communicate ?
          If you don't do anything, I think your position will diminish. I was in a similar situation which they alleged no historical communication and or co-operation. Fortunately, I did do something about it by way of resorting to communication in writing to them and to their lawyer. Many denials of information and contact occurred. Some was just plain mean spirited. Many decisions concerning our child were made without any of my input or knowledge. However thats water under the bridge. At the end of the day, the overwhelming written communication spoke for itself and I think the Judge actually listened to what I had to say. The outcome was joint custody.

          How is it working to the benefit of our child now - wonderful. Strangely, we seldom communicate in writing anymore now as parents but actually have one on one respectable conversations.

          Comment


          • #6
            A statistic that is quoted often in this forum is that women get custody of kids in 90% of cases, especially when children are at a young age.

            Would you say that you were lucky that the judge listened to you? That you were one of the few that succeeded?



            (hmmm.... Come to think of it, if I don't act, the outcome will be the same - Sole Custody to her... At least if act I will have some chance regardless of how small it is...)

            Comment


            • #7
              What you have here certainly does not sound like high conflict. Your ex is trying to make out there is no communication between the parties. But that does not amount to "high conflict."

              Just because the parties are unable to communicate does not mean there is high conflict. The court will simply make your ex communicate.

              If I was you, I would research some parenting sessions that you and your ex can attend. Families in Transition in Toronto offers great programs in how to support your child post Divorce. ROCK in Halton does the same. I think they also offer programs on how to communicate with ex post-divorce etc. If you can show that you are really committed to figuring out a way to communicate so that you can work together and make decisions jointly for your child that will put you in a good position. If your ex refuses, you should go ahead and attend by yourself.

              You should also make sure you establish direct contact with all the health/educational professionals in your child's life. Regular contact is important so that you can demonstrate that you are just as involved as your ex.

              Maintain communication via email so that there is written evidence. Even if your ex does not respond. Keep asking questions about the issues that affect your child. Any medical appointments, development, diet etc.


              Sole custody should be the rare exception. The court should assume that it is in the child's best interest to have both parents jointly awarded custody.

              The onus should be on your ex to provide evidence on how "joint custody" can not work.


              I hope that this helps,

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by Underdog View Post
                A statistic that is quoted often in this forum is that women get custody of kids in 90% of cases, especially when children are at a young age.

                Would you say that you were lucky that the judge listened to you? That you were one of the few that succeeded?



                (hmmm.... Come to think of it, if I don't act, the outcome will be the same - Sole Custody to her... At least if act I will have some chance regardless of how small it is...)
                Hello Underdog,

                I think I was fortunate for the sake of our child that the Judge listened to me considering the prevailing Judge and their reputation -- My method was a success for me -- it may not be for you.

                One thing about statistics is that they change and many cases are not reported or published. With much excluded, How can they be deemed to be accurate?

                I don't know what your outcome will be but I do think if you sit around and do nothing it would acquired consent.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Great Nadia... I will seek the services of ROCK as they are local to me, as well as take my ex to court for joint custody at the same time.

                  Stats do change all the time, you're absolutely right Logicalvelocity, and in Family law they do seem to be changing to more equality between the sexes, and more involvement of child development experts who promote such equality for the best interest of the children, as you have noted in previous threads. Lets hope my judge is open to new trends in Family law.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Yes, let's hope. Good Luck.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      How often do you currently have your child? 40%? 50% Every other weekend?

                      Are you currently paying child support? Who is currently collecting the CCTB/UCCB payments?

                      In the event of a high conflict or refusal of one side to cooperate, you need to break verbal contact with her and go ONLY via email.

                      Indicate your refusal to agree to the existing provider due to her being untrained and unlicensed, and request (in writing) that you search for a licensed facility/provider together instead. If she refuses, then YOU go out and find some. (So when you go to court, you can show them you are trying to find suitable care).

                      My ex did a lot of that kind of thing (ie. ignoring requests for info, not keeping medical appointments, etc.) She no longer has custody. Keep track of the little things, they add up and everything comes out in the wash.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by NBDad View Post
                        Indicate your refusal to agree to the existing provider due to her being untrained and unlicensed, and request (in writing) that you search for a licensed facility/provider together instead. If she refuses, then YOU go out and find some. (So when you go to court, you can show them you are trying to find suitable care).
                        What if the child(ren) enjoy being there and she's providing good care? How long has the child been at this daycare?
                        I don't understand NBDAD as you are telling him to pull the child out of this daycare only because it's not licensed? What's the major problem? Is the child not fed, changed, taken care of, has there been any signs of distress on the child or danger being at the daycare?
                        Doesn't make sense and I find that kind of selfish.
                        If you start this trend, it's going to be a battle and the child will be the one in the middle!

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          My daughter is 14 months old, she's been at that daycare for 2 weeks. I have no information about how she is doing.

                          My visitation was limited by my ex from the beginning at two 3 hour visits every week. Both of us collected CCTB for 2009 and ex collects UCCB.

                          Everything is documented via email, my request to work together on finding another daycare, my request for information about my daughter's routine and health, my requests for ex to reinstate visitation, my settlement offers in the past... All went unanswered. Two days ago her lawyer sends me a (without prejudice) offer letting me know that my ex wants to have sole custody, and basically i will get a support bill at the end of the month. She might consider more access in the future.
                          That she doesn't think I can care for my child and that she stands behind her daycare decision.

                          You see I'm currently unemployed and retraining (for the next 12 - 18 months), therefore I lack the funds to wage an efficient legal battle and because I opted for the way of settlement offers in the past both ex and lawyer think that I don't have the means or willingness to take them to court. So they are emboldened to act in a way to solidify my ex's claim for sole custody in the near future.

                          Meanwhile I'm studying the law, talking to you good people, and preparing my application and motion for joint custody.

                          and yes... unfortunately our daughter is being used by my ex as a pawn to achieve goals that are not necessarily in her best interests. Caught in the cross fire... Except I have never had any bullets throughout this process, the ex held all the cards since she had my daughter live with her after separation because of breastfeeding.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by tugofwar View Post
                            What if the child(ren) enjoy being there and she's providing good care? How long has the child been at this daycare?
                            I don't understand NBDAD as you are telling him to pull the child out of this daycare only because it's not licensed? What's the major problem? Is the child not fed, changed, taken care of, has there been any signs of distress on the child or danger being at the daycare?
                            Doesn't make sense and I find that kind of selfish.
                            If you start this trend, it's going to be a battle and the child will be the one in the middle!
                            I think if you think about it, the other parent is putting the child in the middle of potential contested divorce/custody battle.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Two wrongs don't make a right! I find the ones that have stayed longer than 2-3 days here and somehow survived the backlashing from some senior posters are benefiting from this forum. Learning more about themselves and becoming better parents because of it.
                              Last edited by tugofwar; 07-12-2010, 09:10 PM.

                              Comment

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