The No-Show Parent

[rockscan]

Oh yuck, just saw your other thread about looking for more child support. This is not about the child, you just want to deny access for money.

I should have clued in to the obvious gatekeeping wording of your posting. I'm annoyed at myself.

I'm sorry I provided any advice at all.

This may not be a fair assessment. OP didn’t say anything about the two being linked. Her ex hasn’t provided disclosure on his income is all she mentioned. It could have been going on for a while and she is finally moving to update. Her ex has every other weekend and Wednesday which he is not exercising. I read the two as mutually exclusive from each other.

[Janus]

I read the two as mutually exclusive from each other.

Perhaps. My initial reading was a mother who was aghast at the emotional turmoil visited upon her child when crappy father didn't show up for his parenting time. I was annoyed at the father, and hoping that the mother could take reasonable steps to create consistency.

But, she's taking the guy to court for money. The courts like to repeatedly emphasize that support and access are unrelated because... well, they are totally related and we all know that. She is hoping to paint a picture of a crappy father who needs to get the book thrown at him, which will result in him getting imputed a high income.

She just wants money. The access issue is a sideshow to justify her money grab. The clue should have been her wording when she said "am I wrong to say no". That is the wording of somebody who is trying to figure out the limits to her power, not somebody who is looking out for her child.

Whatever, I got fooled. Shame on me. Maybe she can fool the judge too.

[rockscan]

Shes already getting full table support. Theres an income update required. More than likely she requested an update and he refused. She then filed a motion to update and he’s stalling and refusing. Now he’s pulling the “denial of access” because she refuses to let her kid sit at the door waiting for dad to decide he’s important.

If they had 50/50 or dad was asking for 50/50 and money came up I would question it but theres not much in what she has posted that shows what you are claiming.

I don’t think its unreasonable for a parent to refuse continued last minute requests for a parent who refuses to see their kid. He has time he doesn’t use and expects to show up when its convenient for him not kid. How is that fair?

[Janus]

I don’t think its unreasonable for a parent to refuse continued last minute requests for a parent who refuses to see their kid. He has time he doesn’t use and expects to show up when its convenient for him not kid. How is that fair?

I agree. It is not fair. I was just feeling a bit burned. Perhaps I misread the situation.

[rockscan]

There could be more but with the limited info it sounds mildly legit. If she came on saying “can I say no because he wont pay his support” then I am right there with you Im always iffy on people who refuse to disclose information.

[blinkandimgone]

She already has full CS. He is not disputing the schedule in any way, nor looking to change it and is not exercising his access, for quite a while now not just since she asked for an update of CS.

He is being unreasonable in expecting to blow off his schedule with the kid 99% of the time and expecting her to accomodate last minute requests, especially when she has in the past and he has not shown up for those as well.

[Lemongirl]

Let me clear this up. I would never ever deny access if support was not paid. In fact when we separated I agreed to less than guideline support plus I offered to pay all of the daycare even though we made roughly the same amount of money. I have asked my ex for financial disclosure for the last 3 years because he got a promotion and he even told me himself he was making more money, but he wouldn’t provide it. Him not exercising access has been an ongoing issue over the last 5 years. I have tried to do everything I can to encourage him to see our son. I’ve even spoken to his family to see if they could talk some sense into him but nothing has worked. I simply cannot force a parent to spend time with our son. These are two separate issues. I’m not trying to make him look bad, he’s done a good job of that himself. Sorry for causing confusion. I was just trying to get the opinions of others to help me make the best decisions possible for my son.

[rockscan]

For some parents, when they are asked for disclosure they suddenly start making accusations over everything. From what you said, your ex is accusing you of denying access when you say no to a last minute request. Totally different situation. From my experience on this forum, when someone refuses to share documentation, its because they are trying to hide something.

The problem with a forum is that its hard to distinguish what is actually happening with the limited info. It might be good practice though for people doing their own work. What is the relevant info? Dad has access xyz. Dad refuses to exercise his xyz parenting time. Dad has requested abc time instead and in most cases is either last minute or a no show. Is it wrong for me to say no to these continued unreasonable requests. Factual, to the point. Ditto for the financial stuff. I agreed to less than table. Dad has not provided financial disclosure in three years. I have filed a motion for disclosure and updating of cs. What are the next steps. You were right to separate them into two different threads.

[Doctor Martins]

Mine calls it "babysitting" to give me a "break". IMO parents dont get a break, nor babysit their children. I often think while reading posts on here where is my 50/50 shared parenting? Why didnt my kids get one of these Dad's?

Dtothree, I hope your filling in some shoes and being a great step-dad!

As someone fighting very hard for shared parenting, please have a talk with my ex.. lol And there are parents who push away other parents with their attempt to use the system to keep them away. Both scenarios are bad and why its heartbreaking that the system makes it hard if a parent wants to limit. They don't realize that the opposite can happen and that a parent can't be compelled to be a parent. Ive daydreamed about how my ex would react if I suddenly just gave up and she got what she supposedly wanted.. would she then come to her senses? Of course I never would because id only hurt my daughter, but I don't think people realize the potential outcomes of these games.

I think communication is always key.. maybe ask the father why he doesn't participate more? Is it just not in his nature or is he taking out some issues he has against you on the child. Definitely needs to grow up but can't make him.. Try and talk is all I can say..

[kate331]

I have just entered the system, so I don't know much about it except what I have read on here. Honestly I thought it was 50/50 in Ontario, until my separation. As to why he doesn't participate more I cant answer for him. I can only guess, that he enjoys his new found freedom without the responsibility of 2 young active children. He is also of European descent and its very much ingrained in him, that its the Mothers roll to raise the young child. We need to bring him up to speed I hope he finds himself on this forum to get some insight into the Fathers out there that share equally in the parenting. Time will tell.

[Tayken]

As someone fighting very hard for shared parenting, please have a talk with my ex.. lol

Sad news: If you are fighting you won't get joint custody.

Furthermore, you need to understand that "shared parenting" is a marketing label mostly. It is only mentioned in the tax code.

You are seeking joint custody and equal access. Shared parenting can imply both but, it isn't great to use. You should qualify it fully. Because you can get a judge that see's shared parenting as equal access and not joint custody. Lots of 50-50 where the custody is assigned to one and only one parent but, access is equal.

[trinton]

Sad news: If you are fighting you won't get joint custody.

There are trials that result in joint custody. So yes, you do have to fight to get joint custody sometimes.