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Can a domestic violent parent ... be a good parent?

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  • Can a domestic violent parent ... be a good parent?

    I am struggling with this statement by child service .... A father is better than NO father at all. (in my case the father is the abuser) Can a domestic violent parent really be a good parent per Child Service belief?

  • #2
    I think so. My ex is not perfect, but neither am I and while I do have concerns about his current parenting behaviour and the possibility that he may verbally abuse her in the future, it won't stop me from letting him be a father.
    BUT, he has acknowledged that he abused me, and I beleive he is aware of the chances of him doing it to our daughter as well. CAS attended both of our homes, then closed the case without any concerns. For those reasons I will insist that he take both parenting classes and anger management classes and I can't see the court not enforcing that.

    If your ex has not acknowledged the abuse and is not making honest efforts to change then you should be very wary.

    Any father is NOT better than no father if that father is hurting your child. It's one thing for a child to grow up feeling abandoned and unloved, but for them to grow up with a twisted view of love is worse. Just think of how many bad relationships your child will be in if they are not able to give and show love properly.

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    • #3
      Originally posted by billiechic View Post
      Any father is NOT better than no father if that father is hurting your child
      Well put Billiechic!

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      • #4
        Thanks billiechic and tugofwar
        My X is in the not acknowledged the abuse and is not making honest efforts to change category. CAS closed the case for me with no concerns, but wants to keep open for him. They are tagging him as an absent father and that he doesn`t know any better.
        I`m seeking help to heal and to be a better parent. My children are also seeking different type of help. I do understand the importance of a father figure. Boys have experience verbal, emotional and corporate punishment. My 4 yr old, has experience `hitting on tummy`. When will it be too much? I don`t know what else I can do. <O</O

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        • #5
          All you can do is be there for them and tell them it was not their fault. If they are in counselling you should speak to their consellor about how you can help.

          I'm sorry, I'm going through the same thing. There is NOTHING you can do about their father. It is up to him to help his kids heal, or not.

          I am involved in a group counselling program for abused women and their children. Many of the kids were abused themselves, or witnessed the abuse. I've seen a small change in my daughter after only 2 sessions. It is a great program because everything is approached through play, art and stories. There is no pressure for the kids to talk about their personal experiences, but it is most certain that they do. It gives them a safe place to talk or express how they feel.

          As parents we want to do everything to heal our kids, but you have to give the time and space for them to do it for themselves. You can't heal your kids, they will open up when they are ready.

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          • #6
            If your child is a victim of abuse, either directly abused themselves or a witness to abuse of other children or parent, they are certainly not better off than without said abusive parent in the picture. Arguing in front of your children changes who they are, being subject to physical violence is just damaging.

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            • #7
              The fact that CAS maintains an open case on his household would indicate to the courts that there is cause for concern with respect to his household and/or his abilities as a parent.

              You can use that fact to request in your court application that he attend parenting classes.

              You can also request that a parental capacity study (with psychological component) be done as part of your application through the courts. This will assess the households on BOTH parties and make recommendations to the courts. Findings in that assessment can be further used to request such things as anger management classes, counselling/etc as part of him seeing the children.

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              • #8
                Thanks billiechic, I needed that. I'm doing one on one councelling and my group starts in April. Boys and I, have tons of help thru a safe house. Boys group starts in April as well. I always feel I should be doing more. But you're right..... at this point only time and proper proffessional help will give my boys and I the tools to overcome this "ordeal". At their own speed, my boys will heal.

                </O
                <OBlinkandimgone, every parent has rights. Even the domestic violent ones. I wish I can completely shell my boys from him. But legally I can't.

                NB dad. Excellent advice. Thank you</O
                </O

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                • #9
                  Even a father that is abusive is better than no father at all.

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                  • #10
                    So you're saying it's better to be an abused child then to be in a single home with one loving parent? Really?

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                    • #11
                      blinkandiamgone

                      It's not what I am saying. Be careful what you say. You have no ideal what the boys and I been thru and how much I've been fighting.

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                      • #12
                        Originally posted by wretchedotis View Post
                        Even a father that is abusive is better than no father at all.
                        EXCUSE ME??? Have you ever been abused? Do you KNOW what that does to a person?? Maybe if the father WAS abusive and has changed his ways, but not if he is continuing to abuse.

                        Like I said before, the loss and abandonment issues are NOTHING compared to the damage done to a child who has learned that love=hitting, yelling and abuse.

                        I know this for a fact. My ex was the one subject to abuse his whole life, and he grew up to be exactly like his father. His father left the home when his much younger brother was only 3. Yes, he suffered, a LOT, but that teenager is not angry, does not lash out at people and knows how to show love. Yes, he has abandonment issues and needs his older brother's guidance, but HE is not abusive himself.

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                        • #13
                          Originally posted by wretchedotis View Post
                          Even a father that is abusive is better than no father at all.
                          I am sick to my stomach. My kids are with the abuser. I am doing everything I can to protect them from him. ALL abuse are damaging and not acceptable. I do not want to expose my boys to any more. My issue is the mentality that abusive father are ok...... How much does it take? Do my boys and I need to get hospitalize?????

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                          • #14
                            Originally posted by brigitte View Post
                            blinkandiamgone

                            It's not what I am saying. Be careful what you say. You have no ideal what the boys and I been thru and how much I've been fighting.
                            Um, I agreed with you so....whatever then.

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                            • #15
                              This is such a tough question. I am going through something similar myself.

                              I'd personally like to believe that people are capable of change. That a few poor choices and actions of abuse do not "make the person" so to speak.. obviously there's a lot more about this man because at one point you liked him enough to have children with him I find it hard to keep that in mind with my ex sometimes but I know it must be true.

                              I think not having a father is better than having a father who emotionally or physically abuses you. Conversely I do think that if the father is wanting to genuinely be a better parent he should be given that option, certainly..

                              I left my daughters father when he threw her on our bed as a newborn.. I found it very difficuly to let him have her for weekend visits, and worried what was going on. At the same time I wanted very much for them to have each other, (he is a good playmate and they have fun together when hes around)..

                              Sometimes I'm scared that I made a bad choice, that I was not being a good mother in letting him be alone with her, but I have no real reason to believe he hurt her ever again, and had no right to tell him no anyway.

                              Its a tough choice, and in a lot of cases one you dont have any say anyway (if the courts grant him access for example).

                              Good luck

                              Comment

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