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Suzy905 06-14-2011 10:12 PM

beyond frustrated
 
my husband has a daughter who just turned 20 years old two days ago. She went to college two years ago and after a year switched courses and colleges. My step-daughter's mother has been receiving child support from my husband( her biological father) and a step-father. For two years the college tuition has been split between my husband, step-father and her mother. As far as we understand ...step daughter was supposed to contribute by law to her tuition last year. No she didn't but worked part-time to save money for a trip to Europe. Step-daughter received a used truck from her step-father to enable her to drive to college and apparently an agreement was made between her mother and step-father that this would exempt him from paying tuition for this next year of college. She finished her one year course and received a certificate and as far as we understand it that means child support should end. Just found out that her next year of college..she is taking two more...is costing 3800.00 and since her step-father is exempt..it should be split three ways...her mother, herself and my husband. Husband just informed me tonight that he was e-mailed for his payment for her tuition and it is 1900.00. So once again it seems she is not paying...however she is going to Europe for the third year in a row through her earnings at her part-time job. Boggles my mind at this..and the root problem behind this was her mother kept her daughter out of her fathers life for 7 years. She had the child so convinced about things to do with her father ( my husband) that we didn't pursue access. We saw her once near our home when she was about 8 years old and she ran away from us. He seems to be wary of dealing with anything that might cause conflict or upset her...so her going to Europe while he pays is not brought up. The problem is I am furious...and I am watching all this happen and my husband working a 2nd job without any consideration or thought. I have three grown sons and they have grown up to pay their own way...and they sacrificed to do so....plus they give back and do things..they think of others. We have two more years of being used and my husband putting his head in the sand and I have to tell you...it is stressful ..for me anyway. Beyond frustrated to say the least. I am not the kind of person to just watch this and do or say nothing and find this so hard to just watch.....I have tried talking to my husband several times...not to cause trouble..but it is not teaching her the right thing...responsibilty and respect for others..he just tells me not to worry about it...not happy!!

Rioe 06-14-2011 10:59 PM

If he likes doing it this way to avoid conflict, it's up to him. His daughter, his ex. It's too bad the daughter has turned out this way, but from the sounds of the mother it was probably inevitable, unfortunately.

That said, I would definitely advise only paying the usual third, and making it clear that this will be the last program he funds. Whatever truck agreement was made between the ex and the other stepfather is nothing to do with your husband, and does not increase his obligation. He's got to develop a bit of a spine with regards to the ex and daughter, or they'll just keep her in college forever so he keeps paying CS endlessly.

Suzy905 06-14-2011 11:08 PM

Thank-you for your response and wisdom. I agree with what you said and I don't think the ex and step-father's deal is legal or law binding myself...he should do exactly what you said and I said the same thing..but it is not landing...hence my frustration:)

billm 06-14-2011 11:17 PM

Sounds like something you should let go - as you said, it is only a couple of more years, and also, its just money (not to say that money is easy to come by, but if he is willing to work extra etc, then its best to let it go given it will end soon).

It is primarily his business, you should ultimately support him in this decision after making your advice known.

Suzy905 06-14-2011 11:27 PM

I hear what you are saying and I am not feeling it is the best solution. He has checked things out on his own..when CS ends, and different aspects of it. My concern isn't just the money....what are you teaching your child..or daughter...there is no respect or appreciation and those are life lessons not just money issues. It is his business and it isn't...he has no problem speaking to me concerning my sons in the past...and it is our money actually. I am not fine supporting someone with their head in the sand...it is not healthy for him or his relationship with his daughter. He needs to find his voice ...not to be mean..but love is sometimes firm and boundaries...thanks for your thoughts:)

NBDad 06-15-2011 06:17 AM

He can always apply to have support terminated, especially if the child has completed a certificate course. It SHOULD end there, she doesn't get to play perpetual student on his dime.

IF he continues to pay, then he needs to request a copy of the full cost of the program and send 1/3 to the school directly. Child should be contributing towards her own education.

He needs to grow a set and stand up for himself. He should have done it years ago (what you experienced with the child is called parental alienation) but hindsight is 20-20.

staysingle 06-15-2011 07:45 AM

Your frustration Suzy905 is authentic. It is not only his money but yours also. If he dropped $1900.00 at a casino you may understandably not be too happy. NBDad has the best plan in my view. The daughter has her post secondary certificate now, cease child support and any further tuition payments immediately. Your husband is enabling this behavior and financial abuse from the other side. Tell him this" Don't put your wishbone where your backbone should go"
Good luck and keep up the pressure for resolve

Suzy905 06-15-2011 09:30 AM

Thank-you for your post. I am looking for a lawyer now to get child support stopped. The tuition is due next Monday and I think he is just going to pay it against my wishes . He is enabling this behavior that he is just a "wallet" and until he comes to his senses I dont see an end to it. I have a hard time being around her when she comes here seeing what is happening and not saying anything to her but I have kept quiet.

Suzy905 06-15-2011 09:41 AM

Appreciate all your post and encouragement....in all of this. I have been feeling very alone in this...thanks so much NB Dad and stay single for your encouragement...:)

wretchedotis 06-15-2011 12:29 PM

A sense of overwhelming self-entitlement is rampant in this world today.
This is particularily well instilled into my ex's character - seemingly his ex's character as well.
Whatever happened to EARNING it?


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