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Mustanggirl71 08-02-2019 01:42 AM

Question about parenting time
 
My marriage was abusive. In all of the ways. I left a year ago. We meet to exchange our children at a Tim Hortons. My ex is not allowed at my house and I am not comfortable going to his.

In April we got a custody order. My ex is supposed to have our children every other weekend for 4 nights as his work schedule allows.

My ex hurt himself last week and required surgery on Tuesday to repair the damage done to his leg. He messaged today to let me know that he cannot drive, do stairs or take care of the children for long periods of time. He told me to bring the children to his house for a few hours and pick them up every day. He lives about 20km out of town.

I do not feel comfortable doing this. Will there be any negative repercussions to me if I do not do this?

This is my first post, please ask anything that you need to be able to give me the best advice.

standing on the sidelines 08-02-2019 04:34 AM

How old are the kids?

HammerDad 08-02-2019 09:00 AM

If he cannot take care of the kids for long periods of time I would ask the ex if they would be open to switching weekends to a weekend when they are more mobile. That it would save the kids a lot of back and forth, and allow him to actually enjoy the weekend with the kids. Offer him 3 different weekends to choose one from.


If he doesn't agree and wants the kids, I would drop them off because it is easier than dealing with the repercussions of not. Given the description, he isn't mobile, so I wouldn't be really a threat if they can't move. If the kids are older (like 6+) you can drop them off at the curb and watch them go into the house.

Mustanggirl71 08-02-2019 09:50 AM

They are 4 & 6

tilt 08-02-2019 02:03 PM

I would offer to meet his designated third party at the Tim Hortons, or allow his designated third party to pick the kids up/drop them back to your house - but no way would I drive 40 km twice a day for his convenience - that is a huge imposition on you (where I am that is like 4 hours of driving in just one day!) I doubt a judge would ask that of you. (plus judges do not like to hear of kids that young being in a car for that long unnecessarily)

Important thing is to offer a reasonable compromise (preferably two) so if this did go before a judge you can show you were willing to be flexible. Being flexible does not mean you doing whatever your ex wants however. If your ex can't find a third party willing to help him out, that is on him and reflects on his social skills and support network.

Berner_Faith 08-02-2019 02:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by tilt (Post 237220)
I would offer to meet his designated third party at the Tim Hortons, or allow his designated third party to pick the kids up/drop them back to your house - but no way would I drive 40 km twice a day for his convenience - that is a huge imposition on you (where I am that is like 4 hours of driving in just one day!) I doubt a judge would ask that of you. (plus judges do not like to hear of kids that young being in a car for that long unnecessarily)

Important thing is to offer a reasonable compromise (preferably two) so if this did go before a judge you can show you were willing to be flexible. Being flexible does not mean you doing whatever your ex wants however. If your ex can't find a third party willing to help him out, that is on him and reflects on his social skills and support network.



Not sure where you live but where I live 20kms (which I drive twice a day) is only 10-15 minutes so max 1 hour a day...

Iíd offer to drive them once this weekend, say tomorrow, and then in a couple weeks if heís better he can have a make up weekend. Youíre under no obligation to drive them but itís about your children, not how much you hate each other


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tilt 08-02-2019 02:33 PM

Traffic man. Totally sucks. 40k in Toronto and its suburbs are brutal; 40k at my cottage is a nice Sunday drive. (Am I mathing wrong or is driving 20 km in 10 mins saying that you are driving 120km an hour from a dead stop to a dead stop with no slowing down or stops?)

rockscan 08-02-2019 02:41 PM

I drive 20 km one way to work daily and it normally takes me 15 mins. Sometimes a few minutes more or less but never more than 25.

iona6656 08-02-2019 02:48 PM

Your ex sounds like a bully, just by how you framed your original post. The fact that he told you. Boundaries with abusive ex partners are necessary. The leeway that other co-parents may have is not applicable in your situation.

Don't ask him.

How long is he going to be in recovery?

Give him a few options. Like the ones Hammer dad said- if he's not mobile enough to take care of them now- offer make up time. Because a 4 year old still needs oversight- and a 6 year old is not old enough to do that.

You can also offer to do the driving for one or two days on a weekend, provided that he has someone there to watch the kids. Not the entire time.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Berner_Faith (Post 237222)
Iíd offer to drive them once this weekend, say tomorrow, and then in a couple weeks if heís better he can have a make up weekend. Youíre under no obligation to drive them but itís about your children, not how much you hate each other


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When there is abuse- this idea of "put the kids first, doesn't matter how much you hate each other"- isn't the right sentiment. It's safety of the kids, safety for the individual parents, then the kids comfort, etc etc...

It's not going to harm the kids if they miss a weekend or two of seeing him.

The OP does not need to be sacrificing her safety.

Berner_Faith 08-02-2019 02:57 PM

Question about parenting time
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by iona6656 (Post 237226)
Your ex sounds like a bully, just by how you framed your original post. The fact that he told you. Boundaries with abusive ex partners are necessary. The leeway that other co-parents may have is not applicable in your situation.



Don't ask him.



How long is he going to be in recovery?



Give him a few options. Like the ones Hammer dad said- if he's not mobile enough to take care of them now- offer make up time. Because a 4 year old still needs oversight- and a 6 year old is not old enough to do that.



You can also offer to do the driving for one or two days on a weekend, provided that he has someone there to watch the kids. Not the entire time.





When there is abuse- this idea of "put the kids first, doesn't matter how much you hate each other"- isn't the right sentiment. It's safety of the kids, safety for the individual parents, then the kids comfort, etc etc...



It's not going to harm the kids if they miss a weekend or two of seeing him.



The OP does not need to be sacrificing her safety.



Her children are also old enough to walk from the vehicle to their house seeing as they are in school and I assume are able to walk and run around at school. It should always be about the children. Iím sorry you disagree with that. They meet at Tim Hortons so they obviously see each other face to face. Dropping them off in the driveway and watching them walk in the house is a pretty simple thing to do. Missing time with their father they only see EOW could very well upset the children. Will they be harmed? No... but either will the OP by dropping them in the driveway if sheís not comfortable going up to the door... my guess is that would be less communication then they have when they exchange at Tim Hortons


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Berner_Faith 08-02-2019 03:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by tilt (Post 237224)
Traffic man. Totally sucks. 40k in Toronto and its suburbs are brutal; 40k at my cottage is a nice Sunday drive. (Am I mathing wrong or is driving 20 km in 10 mins saying that you are driving 120km an hour from a dead stop to a dead stop with no slowing down or stops?)



Your math is off... town is 22kms... it takes me 10-15 min depending on traffic and this is driving 80km and slowing down to 50km for 2 concessions. Yes city driving can for sure take longer but 4 hours seems extreme


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Mustanggirl71 08-02-2019 05:10 PM

The issue for me is that he has an electric gate to get in and out of his property that I no longer have the code for. This makes me nervous having to rely on him to let me leave his property.

Also, he is a bully and expects me to bend to his will all of the time. He knew he was having surgery almost a week in advance and he did not make arrangements for the children.

Berner_Faith 08-02-2019 05:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mustanggirl71 (Post 237235)
The issue for me is that he has an electric gate to get in and out of his property that I no longer have the code for. This makes me nervous having to rely on him to let me leave his property.



Also, he is a bully and expects me to bend to his will all of the time. He knew he was having surgery almost a week in advance and he did not make arrangements for the children.



You asked if there would be any negative repercussions... the basic answer is no, not likely, however you should be offering make up time, he has communicated with you to attempt to make a plan to see the children and youíre not willing to bend. Maybe it wonít bite you this time, but it could down the road... your children are young and you guys have years of parenting ahead of you. Things like this are going to come up and who knows, maybe next time it will be you who canít do the driving. Ultimately youíre decision but I feel for the children who wonít see their father and who have parents that canít coparent


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Janus 08-02-2019 08:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by iona6656 (Post 237226)
The OP does not need to be sacrificing her safety.

She is probably more likely to die in a car accident than to be assaulted on the doorstep of her ex who just got seriously injured.

Sometimes, "safety" fears are so ridiculous it feels like the person must know that it is not credible.

standing on the sidelines 08-03-2019 04:38 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mustanggirl71 (Post 237235)
The issue for me is that he has an electric gate to get in and out of his property that I no longer have the code for. This makes me nervous having to rely on him to let me leave his property.

Also, he is a bully and expects me to bend to his will all of the time. He knew he was having surgery almost a week in advance and he did not make arrangements for the children.

then do not go through the gate. Once you get there text him or whatever and he can open the gate and the kids can walk through. If its too far for them to walk then he can meet them on the other side.

Yes your ex may be a bully etc but sometimes its best to take the higher ground. You never know what the future may bring and someday you may need a favor from him.

iona6656 08-04-2019 01:25 AM

Question about parenting time
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Janus (Post 237238)
She is probably more likely to die in a car accident than to be assaulted on the doorstep of her ex who just got seriously injured.

Sometimes, "safety" fears are so ridiculous it feels like the person must know that it is not credible.



Ehhhh....you donít necessarily know what she means by safety fears. We donít know her dv history.

This behaviour the OP is describing by her ex is exactly the bullshit boundary pushing behaviour abusive partners thrive on. They push a bit here- well, itís not totally unreasonable right? Drive the kids and walk them to the door. Okay- then next time. Itís come in the house and wait while I gather the kids stuff. Then it might be a snide comment- or standing too close to her. If there is any hope to ďco-parentingĒ with an abusive or high conflict ex, itís setting firm boundaries and not budging.

iona6656 08-04-2019 01:30 AM

Question about parenting time
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by standing on the sidelines (Post 237240)



Yes your ex may be a bully etc but sometimes its best to take the higher ground. You never know what the future may bring and someday you may need a favor from him.



While I agree that being reasonable and taking the higher ground is generally the preferable approach. With ex partners who were abusive, itís an invitation to them to engage in boundary pushing behaviour.

OP- do what makes you comfortable. Do not let him tell you what needs to be done. Offer make up time when heís healed up. Ask if he can have someone assist with the transfers. Thatís as far as you need to go.

Janus 08-04-2019 11:32 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by iona6656 (Post 237269)
Ehhhh....you donít necessarily know what she means by safety fears. We donít know her dv history.

You misunderstand. I found your use of the word "safety" to be ridiculous :)

Quote:

Originally Posted by iona
The OP does not need to be sacrificing her safety.

That is what I felt was a ridiculous statement. The guy is crippled. There is no safety issue here. If you cry "safety" all the time, it hurts those who have legitimate safety issues.


Quote:

This behaviour the OP is describing by her ex is exactly the bullshit boundary pushing behaviour abusive partners thrive on.
Her ex is injured, this is a temporary situation. This is hardly a boundary push.

Quote:

If there is any hope to ďco-parentingĒ with an abusive or high conflict ex, itís setting firm boundaries and not budging.
Not being an epic jerk helps too.

She has the right to not help, but that does not mean that she should not help.

standing on the sidelines 08-04-2019 12:02 PM

I totally agree with Janus. These are extenuating circumstances. I am positive that the guy isnt getting surgery just to be able to push boundaries with his ex.

This isnt a situation where he is trying to switch weekends every month or something like that.

HammerDad 08-06-2019 09:32 AM

The answer here should be to simply switch weekends until a later date, unless the ex is dead set on having the kids that weekend. And if that is the case, I would have simply offered to drop off the kids and they make arrangements to have extra care at the house to assist them.

iona6656 08-06-2019 09:56 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Janus (Post 237275)
You misunderstand. I found your use of the word "safety" to be ridiculous :)

...

That is what I felt was a ridiculous statement. The guy is crippled. There is no safety issue here. If you cry "safety" all the time, it hurts those who have legitimate safety issues.

You don't know what the extent of the abuse was. Was it purely physical? Was it emotional or psychological? Was it sexual?

Yeah- that's why you're wrong about this. Safety is about the person feeling safe and comfortable.

My ex coming up to my car to tap on the window when our daughter was inside- is that a real threat? No. Did it make me feel off and unsafe? Yes. Was it in a public space? Yes.

Was I overreacting? No. You know how I know I wasn't- because I felt unsafe because of his actions- because of our history. And anyone trained in working with victims of assault will tell you the same thing.

You know what our coparent therapist told my ex when he said "I just want to know why she feels unsafe or uncomfortable" ? She said "She doesn't need to tell you. You're not entitled to know".

Same deal here. You guys wanting to know why the OP doesn't want to go to the gate or walk the kids to the door- those questions where there is documented and real abuse- not valid in my opinion. She doesn't owe that to us- and she certainly doesn't owe those answers to her ex.


Quote:

Her ex is injured, this is a temporary situation. This is hardly a boundary push.

By him telling her how the scheduling will work (e.g. drop them off for a couple of hours and pick them up) THAT is boundary pushing. You have parenting plan. Stick to it. If he needs to go outside that- it's totally understandable in this case- you ASK.

When I broke my ankle. I asked that my ex accommodate me and the situation. When he said "nope" to parts of it- I made arrangements to have someone do my driving for me.

That's what boundary pushing is.

Quote:

Not being an epic jerk helps too. ...She has the right to not help, but that does not mean that she should not help.
Is that to me or the OP? Her saying no- and offering solutions like Hammerdad said is in no way being a jerk. Her situation is not the norm.

And this is where I disagree. Being accommodating is different than helping.

iona6656 08-06-2019 09:58 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by standing on the sidelines (Post 237276)
I totally agree with Janus. These are extenuating circumstances. I am positive that the guy isnt getting surgery just to be able to push boundaries with his ex.

This isnt a situation where he is trying to switch weekends every month or something like that.

Telling the OP how the visits will work is pushing boundaries.

Quote:

Originally Posted by HammerDad (Post 237287)
The answer here should be to simply switch weekends until a later date, unless the ex is dead set on having the kids that weekend. And if that is the case, I would have simply offered to drop off the kids and they make arrangements to have extra care at the house to assist them.

this.

tunnelight 08-08-2019 11:37 AM

I agree with posters who suggested to take a friendly approach here.


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