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-   -   Question about parenting time (https://www.ottawadivorce.com/forum/showthread.php?t=22651)

Berner_Faith 08-02-2019 03:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by tilt (Post 237224)
Traffic man. Totally sucks. 40k in Toronto and its suburbs are brutal; 40k at my cottage is a nice Sunday drive. (Am I mathing wrong or is driving 20 km in 10 mins saying that you are driving 120km an hour from a dead stop to a dead stop with no slowing down or stops?)



Your math is off... town is 22kms... it takes me 10-15 min depending on traffic and this is driving 80km and slowing down to 50km for 2 concessions. Yes city driving can for sure take longer but 4 hours seems extreme


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Mustanggirl71 08-02-2019 05:10 PM

The issue for me is that he has an electric gate to get in and out of his property that I no longer have the code for. This makes me nervous having to rely on him to let me leave his property.

Also, he is a bully and expects me to bend to his will all of the time. He knew he was having surgery almost a week in advance and he did not make arrangements for the children.

Berner_Faith 08-02-2019 05:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mustanggirl71 (Post 237235)
The issue for me is that he has an electric gate to get in and out of his property that I no longer have the code for. This makes me nervous having to rely on him to let me leave his property.



Also, he is a bully and expects me to bend to his will all of the time. He knew he was having surgery almost a week in advance and he did not make arrangements for the children.



You asked if there would be any negative repercussions... the basic answer is no, not likely, however you should be offering make up time, he has communicated with you to attempt to make a plan to see the children and youíre not willing to bend. Maybe it wonít bite you this time, but it could down the road... your children are young and you guys have years of parenting ahead of you. Things like this are going to come up and who knows, maybe next time it will be you who canít do the driving. Ultimately youíre decision but I feel for the children who wonít see their father and who have parents that canít coparent


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Janus 08-02-2019 08:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by iona6656 (Post 237226)
The OP does not need to be sacrificing her safety.

She is probably more likely to die in a car accident than to be assaulted on the doorstep of her ex who just got seriously injured.

Sometimes, "safety" fears are so ridiculous it feels like the person must know that it is not credible.

standing on the sidelines 08-03-2019 04:38 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mustanggirl71 (Post 237235)
The issue for me is that he has an electric gate to get in and out of his property that I no longer have the code for. This makes me nervous having to rely on him to let me leave his property.

Also, he is a bully and expects me to bend to his will all of the time. He knew he was having surgery almost a week in advance and he did not make arrangements for the children.

then do not go through the gate. Once you get there text him or whatever and he can open the gate and the kids can walk through. If its too far for them to walk then he can meet them on the other side.

Yes your ex may be a bully etc but sometimes its best to take the higher ground. You never know what the future may bring and someday you may need a favor from him.

iona6656 08-04-2019 01:25 AM

Question about parenting time
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Janus (Post 237238)
She is probably more likely to die in a car accident than to be assaulted on the doorstep of her ex who just got seriously injured.

Sometimes, "safety" fears are so ridiculous it feels like the person must know that it is not credible.



Ehhhh....you donít necessarily know what she means by safety fears. We donít know her dv history.

This behaviour the OP is describing by her ex is exactly the bullshit boundary pushing behaviour abusive partners thrive on. They push a bit here- well, itís not totally unreasonable right? Drive the kids and walk them to the door. Okay- then next time. Itís come in the house and wait while I gather the kids stuff. Then it might be a snide comment- or standing too close to her. If there is any hope to ďco-parentingĒ with an abusive or high conflict ex, itís setting firm boundaries and not budging.

iona6656 08-04-2019 01:30 AM

Question about parenting time
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by standing on the sidelines (Post 237240)



Yes your ex may be a bully etc but sometimes its best to take the higher ground. You never know what the future may bring and someday you may need a favor from him.



While I agree that being reasonable and taking the higher ground is generally the preferable approach. With ex partners who were abusive, itís an invitation to them to engage in boundary pushing behaviour.

OP- do what makes you comfortable. Do not let him tell you what needs to be done. Offer make up time when heís healed up. Ask if he can have someone assist with the transfers. Thatís as far as you need to go.

Janus 08-04-2019 11:32 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by iona6656 (Post 237269)
Ehhhh....you donít necessarily know what she means by safety fears. We donít know her dv history.

You misunderstand. I found your use of the word "safety" to be ridiculous :)

Quote:

Originally Posted by iona
The OP does not need to be sacrificing her safety.

That is what I felt was a ridiculous statement. The guy is crippled. There is no safety issue here. If you cry "safety" all the time, it hurts those who have legitimate safety issues.


Quote:

This behaviour the OP is describing by her ex is exactly the bullshit boundary pushing behaviour abusive partners thrive on.
Her ex is injured, this is a temporary situation. This is hardly a boundary push.

Quote:

If there is any hope to ďco-parentingĒ with an abusive or high conflict ex, itís setting firm boundaries and not budging.
Not being an epic jerk helps too.

She has the right to not help, but that does not mean that she should not help.

standing on the sidelines 08-04-2019 12:02 PM

I totally agree with Janus. These are extenuating circumstances. I am positive that the guy isnt getting surgery just to be able to push boundaries with his ex.

This isnt a situation where he is trying to switch weekends every month or something like that.

HammerDad 08-06-2019 09:32 AM

The answer here should be to simply switch weekends until a later date, unless the ex is dead set on having the kids that weekend. And if that is the case, I would have simply offered to drop off the kids and they make arrangements to have extra care at the house to assist them.


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