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LovingDad1234 11-01-2019 10:09 AM

Referencing Proper Last Name?
Question for the Group:

My ex has always treated our child as "their" child only. Left me off the birth registration and did not reflect me in the name. Separation agreement has me added to the birth registration and changed name to a hyphenated last name. Separation agreement says the we are to use hyphenated last name as the identity of our child, etc.

Problem is that my ex and extended family only refer to their own last name and drop off finishing off the hyphenated last name. Both when verbally referencing our child's name, or when signing up our child for activities. My name last name is never reflected. So annoying, insulting, dismissive, etc.

Mentioning the situation to the other parent is like setting off an explosion, and then I have the finger pointed at me for having the nerve to bring it up, or suggesting that I am the one looking to cause trouble... Suggesting that I am making a deal out of nothing. Thoughts? I know its not something to go crying to a judge about. It is contempt of judge order though, but based on my story versus theirs and I recognize its not a battle to bring forward to a judge. Ex refuses much needed counseling to learn to co-parent or acknowledge me as a parent. Very frustrating...

iona6656 11-01-2019 10:26 AM

If you are bringing it up- knowing it sets off a conflict- then you ARE making a big deal out of nothing.

Is it on your daughter's official documents? Is it on the school registration?

It's frustrating- but with petty exes. Why bother?

iona6656 11-01-2019 10:30 AM

Per our settlement we're hyphenating our daughter's last name to be "Ex-Mine"...but her school has always called her "D3 My-last-name" not "D3 Ex's-last-name"...she thinks her name is "D3 My-last-name"...I tell her it's Ex-Mine, but she forgets 1/2 the time. She'll get it.

My ex called raging because D3 refers to herself by my last name. I just told him the legal last name is going to be Ex-Mine. We should both just gently correct her. And then I let it go.

I'm sure he's getting ready to blast me with our PC. But meh.

Edit- also- I used to get ragey about something similar. So I do understand:

For the longest time- my ex's sister basically took care of our daughter during his time with her- because she was the supervisor. She has 3 young kids and they would call her Mama. So our daughter started calling her Mama too. It was weird. And also inappropriate in my opinion- because she was more than 2.5yrs old and still doing it. It made my blood boil to hear her call someone else Mama. Esp. since when she would call my father 'Dad'- because she heard me do it; I would correct her and tell her to call him Grandpa. ANYWAYS. I had to let it go- because obviously she knew who her Mama was. And as weird and creepy and inappropriate it was for her to call my ex's gross sister-wife "mama"- if I had made a big deal of it, it would've just been feeding into the conflict for nothing.

LovingDad1234 11-01-2019 10:38 AM

I am making a deal out of it as my ex has constantly marginalized and minimized me as a parent, thinking the child is only theirs and I am second tier. My last name is on official documents. I had to write email to school to correct the name as my ex wasn't going to do it. All extra-curricular activities, my ex only uses their last name as opposed to hyphenated. When verbally referencing our child, my ex only uses their last name.

iona6656 11-01-2019 10:41 AM

So just correct it and mosey on your way. Do you think taking a stand on this is going to magically get your ex to stop being petty and ignorant?

rockscan 11-01-2019 10:44 AM

Not the hill to die on. The name on an activity form means nothing. If the hyphenation is on the school docs, medical docs, official paperwork then let it go. Fighting with her over it provides an opportunity for her to point the finer at you as difficult. You are giving her ammunition. Stop.

When she starts taking time away, making decisions without your consent, refusing communication and alienating you THEN be upset about being marginalized. Its just a name. Stop freaking out about it.

HammerDad 11-01-2019 11:15 AM


Originally Posted by iona6656 (Post 239195)
So just correct it and mosey on your way. Do you think taking a stand on this is going to magically get your ex to stop being petty and ignorant?

This is my recommendation. Simply correct it and move on. The ex knows it bothers you, so they are likely to continue to act like this going forward. If you remove the fuel, there will likely be less fire for them to want to annoy you.

At best you could send an email advising that you were at X activity/service provider (doctor/dentist/dance etc.) and saw the name was incorrect in their records and that you corrected it. That going forward the ex should make efforts to ensure the child's name is correctly recorded when registered.

But outside of that, I wouldn't get twisted. My ex was similar. While my ex did list me on the notice of birth and asked me to sign, my last name was not included. I brought it up, and that went over about as well as nuclear bomb. At the time, and given my frame of mind, I felt it was more important to see my kid than to create disputes. So to this day my kid has my ex's last name only. My daughter knows she is also part me, which is more important to me than a name ( she looks more like my side anyway, lol) .

LovingDad1234 11-01-2019 01:21 PM

Great advice! My ex will never change their mind and carry on as though I am nothing in our child's life. If they cannot take care of our kid when they are sick and its their day, believe me I am last on the list to step in to help out even though I would do it in a heartbeat. My understanding is that the whole petty stuff and going out of your way to restrict the other parent eventually gets revealed or the kid catches on and it backfires on the offending parent.

Brampton33 09-27-2021 09:52 AM

Glad I found this I think this issue applies to my situation. I had to fight in court to get my last name referenced in our children's legal names, so now it is a hyphenated last name.

My ex made a stink about ensuring that her last name was first in the order of hyphenated last names. I always thought it was in alphabetical order. I looked at what happens when married people hyphenate their names too. It is all over the place and there are no clear answers on what is the norm. I wondered why my ex was making such a stink about the order, but now its starting to make sense.....

My thoughts is that my ex (being possessive of our kids) is hoping that our kids simply adopt using their first part of their last name and drop the rest. Or when people refer to our kids, they only say the first part of the last name and not the whole hyphenated last name, and so kids just go with it. Any ideas how to deal with this? It is really petty on the part of my ex, and I hate the fact that she plays psychological games when it involves our kids.

rockscan 09-27-2021 11:25 AM

It would appear petty on your part as well. As long as the names are on all legal documents and school items its really a non starter. My husband was worried about his kids removing his name from their names but they both use his name and only his on everything. They are both old enough to change it but chose not to.

Dont get into the weeds like this. All it does is give your ex ammunition to prove you are whatever she has determined you arecontrol freak, petty etc.

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