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Mustanggirl71 08-02-2019 01:42 AM

Question about parenting time
 
My marriage was abusive. In all of the ways. I left a year ago. We meet to exchange our children at a Tim Hortons. My ex is not allowed at my house and I am not comfortable going to his.

In April we got a custody order. My ex is supposed to have our children every other weekend for 4 nights as his work schedule allows.

My ex hurt himself last week and required surgery on Tuesday to repair the damage done to his leg. He messaged today to let me know that he cannot drive, do stairs or take care of the children for long periods of time. He told me to bring the children to his house for a few hours and pick them up every day. He lives about 20km out of town.

I do not feel comfortable doing this. Will there be any negative repercussions to me if I do not do this?

This is my first post, please ask anything that you need to be able to give me the best advice.

standing on the sidelines 08-02-2019 04:34 AM

How old are the kids?

HammerDad 08-02-2019 09:00 AM

If he cannot take care of the kids for long periods of time I would ask the ex if they would be open to switching weekends to a weekend when they are more mobile. That it would save the kids a lot of back and forth, and allow him to actually enjoy the weekend with the kids. Offer him 3 different weekends to choose one from.


If he doesn't agree and wants the kids, I would drop them off because it is easier than dealing with the repercussions of not. Given the description, he isn't mobile, so I wouldn't be really a threat if they can't move. If the kids are older (like 6+) you can drop them off at the curb and watch them go into the house.

Mustanggirl71 08-02-2019 09:50 AM

They are 4 & 6

tilt 08-02-2019 02:03 PM

I would offer to meet his designated third party at the Tim Hortons, or allow his designated third party to pick the kids up/drop them back to your house - but no way would I drive 40 km twice a day for his convenience - that is a huge imposition on you (where I am that is like 4 hours of driving in just one day!) I doubt a judge would ask that of you. (plus judges do not like to hear of kids that young being in a car for that long unnecessarily)

Important thing is to offer a reasonable compromise (preferably two) so if this did go before a judge you can show you were willing to be flexible. Being flexible does not mean you doing whatever your ex wants however. If your ex can't find a third party willing to help him out, that is on him and reflects on his social skills and support network.

Berner_Faith 08-02-2019 02:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by tilt (Post 237220)
I would offer to meet his designated third party at the Tim Hortons, or allow his designated third party to pick the kids up/drop them back to your house - but no way would I drive 40 km twice a day for his convenience - that is a huge imposition on you (where I am that is like 4 hours of driving in just one day!) I doubt a judge would ask that of you. (plus judges do not like to hear of kids that young being in a car for that long unnecessarily)

Important thing is to offer a reasonable compromise (preferably two) so if this did go before a judge you can show you were willing to be flexible. Being flexible does not mean you doing whatever your ex wants however. If your ex can't find a third party willing to help him out, that is on him and reflects on his social skills and support network.



Not sure where you live but where I live 20kms (which I drive twice a day) is only 10-15 minutes so max 1 hour a day...

Id offer to drive them once this weekend, say tomorrow, and then in a couple weeks if hes better he can have a make up weekend. Youre under no obligation to drive them but its about your children, not how much you hate each other


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tilt 08-02-2019 02:33 PM

Traffic man. Totally sucks. 40k in Toronto and its suburbs are brutal; 40k at my cottage is a nice Sunday drive. (Am I mathing wrong or is driving 20 km in 10 mins saying that you are driving 120km an hour from a dead stop to a dead stop with no slowing down or stops?)

rockscan 08-02-2019 02:41 PM

I drive 20 km one way to work daily and it normally takes me 15 mins. Sometimes a few minutes more or less but never more than 25.

iona6656 08-02-2019 02:48 PM

Your ex sounds like a bully, just by how you framed your original post. The fact that he told you. Boundaries with abusive ex partners are necessary. The leeway that other co-parents may have is not applicable in your situation.

Don't ask him.

How long is he going to be in recovery?

Give him a few options. Like the ones Hammer dad said- if he's not mobile enough to take care of them now- offer make up time. Because a 4 year old still needs oversight- and a 6 year old is not old enough to do that.

You can also offer to do the driving for one or two days on a weekend, provided that he has someone there to watch the kids. Not the entire time.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Berner_Faith (Post 237222)
Id offer to drive them once this weekend, say tomorrow, and then in a couple weeks if hes better he can have a make up weekend. Youre under no obligation to drive them but its about your children, not how much you hate each other


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When there is abuse- this idea of "put the kids first, doesn't matter how much you hate each other"- isn't the right sentiment. It's safety of the kids, safety for the individual parents, then the kids comfort, etc etc...

It's not going to harm the kids if they miss a weekend or two of seeing him.

The OP does not need to be sacrificing her safety.

Berner_Faith 08-02-2019 02:57 PM

Question about parenting time
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by iona6656 (Post 237226)
Your ex sounds like a bully, just by how you framed your original post. The fact that he told you. Boundaries with abusive ex partners are necessary. The leeway that other co-parents may have is not applicable in your situation.



Don't ask him.



How long is he going to be in recovery?



Give him a few options. Like the ones Hammer dad said- if he's not mobile enough to take care of them now- offer make up time. Because a 4 year old still needs oversight- and a 6 year old is not old enough to do that.



You can also offer to do the driving for one or two days on a weekend, provided that he has someone there to watch the kids. Not the entire time.





When there is abuse- this idea of "put the kids first, doesn't matter how much you hate each other"- isn't the right sentiment. It's safety of the kids, safety for the individual parents, then the kids comfort, etc etc...



It's not going to harm the kids if they miss a weekend or two of seeing him.



The OP does not need to be sacrificing her safety.



Her children are also old enough to walk from the vehicle to their house seeing as they are in school and I assume are able to walk and run around at school. It should always be about the children. Im sorry you disagree with that. They meet at Tim Hortons so they obviously see each other face to face. Dropping them off in the driveway and watching them walk in the house is a pretty simple thing to do. Missing time with their father they only see EOW could very well upset the children. Will they be harmed? No... but either will the OP by dropping them in the driveway if shes not comfortable going up to the door... my guess is that would be less communication then they have when they exchange at Tim Hortons


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