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Sad54 10-16-2018 07:35 AM

New to this madness ...
This is all new territory for me and iím Not sure what steps I should be taking. Recently I found out that my husband of 35 years has been having an affair(she is 18 years younger than him). He is 65 and I will be 64 soon. We are both retired. Lately I think he has been rethinking his life ó whether or not he has made good life decions, who he is, etc. Can we say midlife crisis?

At the beginning of August I told him to go live with her for a year and see if this is truly what he wants. I was hoping he would come back, but I now doubt it. We do not have a formal separation agreement. Should we? We had verbally agreed that he would continue to contribute to our household bills. He is buying groceries for her.

We have a joint account since we got married. Never any other. I can see all his spending. He buys more than groceries, such as alcohol (lots), things for her apartment like microwave, etc. That first month he spent over $2,000. I voiced my concerns and since then his spending for the most part has been reasonable.

About a week ago, he was not very nice and said that he will not discuss finances with me and that other than paying for half of the mortgage and house insurance, I am to pay everything else. No discussion. This is not what we had agreed on. He also said that he has always paid more than me towards bills because he made more money. For 35 years this was never an issue. I thought since we have always shared an account it didnít matter that I made a bit less than he did. Am I wrong?

arabian 10-16-2018 08:03 AM

Sorry to hear you are having to go through this at this stage of your life. Unfortunately you should take some immediate steps to ensure that you don't find yourself homeless and unable to support yourself.

Immediately open up a bank account of your own. If you can see what he is spending then he can also see what you are spending.

Recognize that you are now up against 2 people. Any agreement you had in the past with him is now subject to g/f's input/approval.

I would recommend that you find a lawyer who specializes in family law. Don't hire the first person you speak to. Make appointments and meet with several. When you find someone you feel comfortable with you will have to provide the lawyer with a retainer. This will likely be around $5,000.00. If you have to, borrow the money from family or a friend. The financial sacrifice you make today will ensure financial security for you in the future. (Legal fees spent to obtain, negotiate or defend spousal support is 100% tax deductible).

Amass all financial records (including both of your income tax returns); investment statements; pension statements; bank statements, etc.

Do not discuss your plans going forward with your husband. It sounds as though he has made the unilateral decision on how much money you are entitled to.

Good thing - he moved out. Your lawyer can obtain a court Order for exclusive possession of the matrimonial home. Your lawyer can also obtain an Order for immediate interim spousal support. These things are to ensure that you don't find yourself homeless or without enough money to pay for the mortgage etc. As you move forward your husband is likely to become even less pleasant to talk to.

A few months from now you likely won't care about your husband's day-to-day nesting activities. Focus on what you need going forward.

Protect your privacy (and dignity).

Janus 10-16-2018 08:36 AM


Originally Posted by arabian (Post 231264)
Do not discuss your plans going forward with your husband.

To add to that, don't tell your husband that you are looking for a lawyer until you have found one. Make sure you have obtained all the documents your lawyer asks for before you let your husband know.

Once he knows, he will start hiding stuff.

kate331 10-16-2018 09:07 AM

I did the same thing Sad54, waited it out a year hoping my ex would have a change of heart. Arabian is 100% correct, you need legal advice ASAP. Its rough because you most likely still care very much about him, and now there is 3 people involved. You need to wrap your head around the fact, he is not coming back, and is making a new life with someone else. And if he did come back, would you want him??? Dont be afraid to reach out to your Family Doctor, to get some help emotionally, i.e. therapy.

You can find a copy of the Financial Statement that you need to fill out online. It will give you an idea of what financial info you need for a lawyer.

Sad54 10-16-2018 10:00 AM

Thank you for reading and offering advice. I have my work cut out for me.

arabian 10-16-2018 10:24 AM

This is the form used by Ontario Superior Court. If you complete it you can also use it when you retain a lawyer as they would require some form of financial statement. The better prepared you are when meeting with a lawyer, the more money you save. Don't hesitate to ask questions, no matter how trivial, on this forum.

If/when you go to court BOTH you and your husband would be required to complete this form.

mom22girls 10-16-2018 12:42 PM

Photocopy everything you can get your hands on. Income tax statements, bank account statements, car loan agreements etc. Even if you think itís not a big deal now, if itís paper, photocopy. Keep these photocopies somewhere he doesnít have access to. If he still has a key to your house, keep it at a friends.

Itís worth it to see a lawyer. With so much money on the line, this is not a DIY separation.

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Sad54 10-18-2018 02:52 PM

Well, I will be meeting with the bank tomorrow to sort things out regarding the shared account and credit card. Hopefully I will also get good news about whether or not I can be approved for a mortgage when the time comes when I have to find a place of my own. The next step will be seeing a lawyer. I have such a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach.

arabian 10-18-2018 05:48 PM

My thoughts are with you. You have much to deal with. Just remember when you run into hurdles that there are always other options to consider.

Getting a mortgage when retired can be a challenge. Keep in mind that spousal support is taxable income (you have to pay tax on it and your ex gets to use it as a tax deduction). Upside is that court-Ordered spousal support can be helpful when you borrow money from the bank. This is one of the many reasons why having a good lawyer is important.

I'd recommend opening up a checking account at an entirely different bank than where your ex banks. Now that you are over 60 you can get a senior's deal (no charge for interact transactions, etc.).

Good luck!

denbigh 10-18-2018 08:02 PM


He also said that he has always paid more than me towards bills because he made more money. For 35 years this was never an issue. I thought since we have always shared an account it didnít matter that I made a bit less than he did. Am I wrong?
No you are not wrong. You were a couple and everything either one of you made is for your family unit. this is a misogynistic attitude, I am the breadwinner, or I earn more money therefore you dont get a say, that fails to recognize all the unpaid labour, the parenting that the other parent does. It is one of the reasons, among many more, for my divorce.

That said, you are now clearly separated and you will need to get an agreement in place, and you will need to separate your finances and all your assests. You should see a lawyer about whether you qualify for spousal support or not and to work on splitting your assests and debts. You might want to make a list of everything you own (even if your name is not on it, if it was purchased during marriage, you are half owner), like bank accounts, pensions, RRSPs, house, etc

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