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whenispeace 05-23-2021 01:31 PM

Whats next
 
Hi all,
First post. I'll start with honesty. I had an affair and my marriage is toxic now, 3+ years have passed from the day I told my wife. The lies associated with it further bludgeoned the relationship. I offer no excuses for what I've done and am only left with deep sadness for the pain I've caused everyone and pain my children will endure as a result of us likely divorcing and knowing the horrible choices their father has made. People can tear me down but knowing how much pain I've brought to those I was supposed to love is far worse than words from a stranger. I am just making active choices (and have been for years to be honest at all costs and loyal (which I have been)).


I'm here because our relationship is emotionally devastating. My wife is tormented daily and when I do something that triggers her it is unbearable. I don't want to trigger her and make choices to avoid that but I am not always successful. I end up agreeing with everything and not making decisions (big or small) without first consulting her completely. I want to pave a way to honestly but after 3+ years of steps backwards I feel that this is the end. I'm not sure I can emotionally cope with this any longer. We're both at the point now where we stay together to keep the kids life intact and hope that the kids has some measure of reduced trauma by us staying together. I want to get feedback from everyone who is in a similar situation. The "staying together for the kids" part is mixed opinions at best. There are a lot of things to consider. If we divorce they lose the home they know. They lose the friends they live next to because both parents will have to leave.



Is it worth it for my kids? I feel like I cannot be the dad I want to be with such anger and hate directed my way each and every day over the trauma I brought into our lives. I'm incredibly remorseful over my choices but I question whether or not continuing this is healthy for either of us. I have been honest with her but she cannot believe me anymore for which I understand. Considering everything, which is the best choice for the kids? They are all school age.


Thanks

rockscan 05-23-2021 03:40 PM

Your kids know when there is an emotionally difficult environment. If you and your wife are as unhappy as you are the environment in the house is equally as toxic. Staying together for the kids has many psychological drawbacks.

If your wife cant trust you anymore and you are destroying yourself to try to fix it or make her happy, you both are doing a disservice to each other. Why would you want to stay in a relationship that is unhealthy?

Stillbreathing 05-23-2021 04:24 PM

You haven’t mentioned intensive couples counselling. Have the two of you attended marriage counselling? If you have and that is unsuccessful, then you can leave your marriage with a clear conscience that you have tried everything possible to fix it . If you haven’t then make an appointment. If your wife won’t go then you go to therapy without her.

climber9 05-26-2021 02:56 PM

+1 for trying marriage counselling. It didn't work for mine but still glad we tried.

ifonlyihadknown 05-31-2021 10:38 AM

Same story here. +1 for trying but if was a waste of time in my case.

Brampton33 05-31-2021 11:29 AM

For me, it was clear my ex was trying to gain an "ally" in her corner to have a professional witness in her corner. Any time the counsellor did not appear to agree with my ex's views, she referred to her as incompetent.

For counseling to work, both parties must actually want to save the marriage and not have other motives in mind.

ifonlyihadknown 05-31-2021 11:31 AM

In my case, we tried it twice. I believe that we both had good intentions but the counselling was unable to make on progress.

rockscan 05-31-2021 01:35 PM

My husband did marriage counseling for years with his ex. Every time they had one who blamed the ex, the therapist was fired. Hence why they tried for so long. Then when they ran out of therapists she claimed he needed individual therapy as there was nothing wrong with her.

The bigger problem you have is her never trusting you again. Infidelity is a really tough matter and many women (and men) never forget and will always assume you are cheating.


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