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Ames 06-16-2011 02:43 PM

Summer with their Dad
 
I don't know if any of you will remember my previous post, but my ex and I live 8 hours apart and we had hashed out an agreement where the boys would spend March Break with him, half of Christmas holidays, a couple of long weekends, and half of the summer.

About a month ago, we were talking and agreed to them spending the full summer with him (ack - I have never been apart from them, so I am having some anxiety about it!), with the exception of a week in July when they will come to my parent's cottage (a traditional family holiday with lots of extended family), an afternoon for a family reunion on my dad's side, and for my wedding day in August.

The boys are incredibly excited, and they fly out on July 2nd. The mother of my ex's girlfriend is paying for this flight under the assumption that my ex will pay her back for it. My mother is travelling from here to there at that same time and offered to drive the kids (free for my ex), but he declined.

The thing is that, as far as I know, my ex is still not working. (Funny story, after everything that happened last summer, he and his girlfriend decided to move back to our old hometown - after telling me he would never move back there - and he hasn't worked since the move). I have encouraged him to apply at the hospital (he went to school for PSW), as they were hiring and pay $19/hour, but he never applied.

I am afraid that he won't be able to afford the additional expense of having the boys with him over the summer. Whenever I try to talk to him about money/his job prospects, he gets very vague ... no, he's not working - but they are "fine". I don't want this to cause a problem - should I be sending money down with the kids? Ex has not paid any child support since (I think) February, and what he has paid has amounted to a few hundred dollars over the last three years that I have had custody. My concern about sending money is that he will not spend it on the kids. My other concern is that the kids will end up going without things because he has no money.

What would you do?

dinkyface 06-16-2011 03:05 PM

Politely ... I'd butt out and let him deal with it. Unless you think that there's a strong chance he will be putting 10 year olds out in the field driving farm equipment to pay their own way, or hitchhiking back to you (i.e. putting them in danger).

Ames 06-16-2011 03:16 PM

Ahhh, point taken. Butting out has never been my strong suit. I worry about everything!

blinkandimgone 06-16-2011 03:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by dinkyface (Post 69114)
Politely ... I'd butt out and let him deal with it.

Agreed! How would you feel if the roles were reversed and he was questioning you? Just food for thought!

Ames 06-16-2011 05:49 PM

Hrmm, I don't think I would like it very much at all, as he did question me about our living arrangements (we stayed with my brother for the first 4 months after we moved). So yeah, I get your point. I'll keep my thoughts to myself. Having the boys gone for so long is a new thing for me, I guess it's just making me overly anxious.

Gary M 06-16-2011 06:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ames (Post 69127)
Hrmm, I don't think I would like it very much at all, as he did question me about our living arrangements (we stayed with my brother for the first 4 months after we moved). So yeah, I get your point. I'll keep my thoughts to myself. Having the boys gone for so long is a new thing for me, I guess it's just making me overly anxious.

Sincere kudos to you for considering the sage advice you got here instead of just whining and complaining because it wasn't what you want to hear. Well done, Mom!

Cheers!

Gary

dinkyface 06-16-2011 09:30 PM

Time to start thinking about what you will do with your freedom! The more 'distracting' the better...

Ames 07-11-2011 03:04 PM

I just wanted to update that everything has been going swimmingly so far, despite my total anguish about seeing them go. I never said a word to him about finances, and everything is fine. Thank you for the advice.

I have been keeping myself busy as suggested - taking courses for a certification, planning a wedding, and taking care of my youngest at home - and it has helped me pass the time. I get to see them next week for an entire week, since it was a scheduled family vacation that my ex already knew of, so I am now counting down the days on the calendar! :)

Also, as an aside, having the boys with their dad has given me an opportunity to be more in contact with my ex's girlfriend (she is better about updating me than he is), and I quite like her. I think that we could probably be good friends, actually.

Thanks again.

dinkyface 07-11-2011 03:19 PM

It is possible to like them! My sister split 20 years ago when kids were 5 and 7 (hubby strayed). In spite of the rawness and hurt, they found a way to come together pretty quickly after the split. Nowadays, she visits with her ex's parents, they all do skiing trips together (her and current husband, her ex and his current wife, and 'kids' from both sides). They are still aware however not to butt in on the other's one-one-one time with their kids, even though all are long-grown.

Ames 07-11-2011 03:32 PM

I actually have fantasies where we can all hang out like this. I miss his family a lot.


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