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Aveariel 09-07-2011 10:33 PM

Someone please help me
I have payed my lawyer thousands of dollars yet do not have my divorce, sale of home( I moved out cause he wanted to buy my half. the house was evaluated in dec 2010 we have also signed a contract stating that if one of us wants to sell that the other has 15 days to buy the others share or they have 15 days to find a buyer otherwise the home is to go up for sale), none of these things have happen he has made a couple of offers but where very low which i declined. I have told my lawyer numerous times to put the home up for sale she tells me I have to go through the courts is this true? also he served me with divorce papers we have 2 children age 6 and 10. He asked for sole custody my lawyer said to truly think about the kids and not him or I so I did and offered him 50-50. I moved out in January cause all the fighting was affecting my children. He started dating someone in February and spends all his time with her (this does not bother me) what bothers me is that my children are unhappy they tell me that he never spends time with them and they are always at his girlfriends house, they are hardly ever at his house, they run around all day till evening, my kids even have change of clothes in their school bag when they are with him, he enrolls them into activities that they do not want to do and expects me to follow it (he has been told he cannot do this without talking to me yet continues) also it is mainly his father or family that takes them to these activities. The kids are not allowed to call me when they want to. To top it off this woman is making decisions when it comes to my children my daughter that has beautiful blond hair was brought to me with 4 wide strips of "HOT PINK" semi permanent which was done by the salon. My daughter calls me crying when she is at his house wanting me to just come get her, my son is semi ok not saying much but i have my fears.My lawyer tells me that there is a slim chance that i will get full custody since i live in the quebec side, and his lawyer says he is doing everything right Is this true? oh and I had to take him to court so that I could leave the country with the kids to see my family this summer which the court granted. I really need some good advice cause my children are unhappy all I want is the best for them how do I get my children?

LotusLand47 09-07-2011 11:45 PM

whew! this is heart breaking.
The sole custody is the thing I would worry about. Unless you were abusive or unfit there is a 50 50 presumption. What are your current custody arrangements? How much are the kids with you currently?
How much equity is tied up in the house?
You could offer to buy the house at the price you think is fair and wait him out - assuming you can afford it. You need to give him 1/2 of the difference between the sales value and the morgage....

Aveariel 09-08-2011 12:02 AM

I have never been abusive or unfit, always hard working and supporting my family. 50-50 is what was agreed with the lawyers for the time being, I have them for a week and so does he. When they are with him the kids call me almost every night, when they are with me they do not even want me to pick up the phone when he calls, he usually calls after 3-4 days later. I am now seeking full custody. I have a full time job that I have had for 7 years where as he is continuously changing. I do not want the house and have told the lawyer either he buys me out or house goes up for sale. I have moved on from this house. I am not being greedy all I am asking for is my fair share from the appraisal... keep in mind I left him everything all the furniture except the bed which we had double sets of. he kept the car that is fully paid while I took the one that still owes payments.

LotusLand47 09-08-2011 12:55 AM

OK Thanks.
re the house, collectively you lose if you both sell the house - realtors fees, in BC we have a property purchase tax (10-20k) that would be waived. Is costs about 30-40k to switch houses in BC. Probably less costs in PQ, but no point throwing away the $ you worked hard for. if you can stomach the house, buy it.
re custody, this is good - it is not as messed up as it could have been.
He will need to provide a really good reason to deviate from status quo.
re the assets, you need to add thevalues up, divide the values by 2 and one of you provides the other a differential payment based on the values of the assets that are in each others custody. Are your bank accounts and credit cards are split. Did you split bank accounts when you left?
Re a custody fight, I understand that these can cost each side between 50 and 100k (really). You would each have to provide a good reason why 50 50 should not happen.

Aveariel 09-08-2011 11:19 AM

thank you for responding :) ok so :
Re: the house I do not want it. if it ends up being sold then it will be sold from the appraisal it is 35k my half (he has the same after house payed that is).
RE kids: how is this good ? My kids are unhappy and do not want to spend time with him it is breaking my heart that when my daughter calls me and asks for me to come get her and I cannot. she gets yelled at by him when he hears she wants to come to me and if she cry's then she is penalized.example no t.v for the week. I have written down the reasons on why 50-50 should not happen at this time -there is 38 reasons.
he took my kids on a 4 wheeler without a helmet (aside from the fact that he was riding the thing with 2 children under 16) my daughter fell of by doing a back flip of the machine (she told me he was scarred that he killed her). kids are hardly ever at his house always at girlfriends house,grandparents house, sisters house.winter time my daughters jacket broke and for a week he let her go to school this way (she was cold all week). kids where missing school due to him taking them out on the black ice in -35 they got sick.his father or family takes the kids to activities that he inscribes them in. even when the kids tell him they do not want to do these activities they still have to cause he does not consider what they want to do.He does not let kids call me when they ask. his girlfriend only has a 2 bdrm condo and 1 child yet all kids sleep in the same bed and room (2 girls and 1 boy). He says that he is the only one that gets to make decisions when it comes to the kids and I have to follow it.(keep telling him that it is 50-50 he has even been told by the lawyer ).He says that I have no right to know what the kids do, who they are with, where they sleep when it is his week yet when it is my week if they stay somewhere else I have to inform him(so he says).He is still drinking daily(he drinks a lot). His girlfriend drinks daily. he states that he does not care what the lawyers say what matters is what he says and decides. Reconciliation is not possible he has been dating another (to be honest there is no way on this earth i would go back to him). Daughter dropped off with 4 wide streeks of hot pink in her hair semi permanent which was his girlfriends idea and took her to the salon(I was never informed). His girlfriend is making decisions on what my kids do since they are at her house.Kids have to fold laundry theirs and his, do dishes, make ALL the beds in the house, and clean the basement. Kids are exhausted by the time they come to me. My daughter is not allowed to see her friends cause they live to far from his girlfriends house ( our old house is about 2 blocks at the most away from all the kids friends). He knew that I wanted to visit my family in the summer yet ended up having to take him to court to get permission cause he was difficult about it, at the last minute he decided this does not work for him (it was the first week of June) he is plumber construction weeks where off this year so I tried to compromise and give him an extra week while I lose a week. still ended up having to go to court cost me (3k). When it is his week if he wants alone time with his girlfriend he will drop kids with family and take off with her.He never cooks for the kids always his family or his girlfriend. Then coaches of the kids informed me that it is nice to at least see one parent (me) cause usually it is grandpa or aunt.No matter what time I call the house always am. His mom does homework with my daughter.My daughter is begging me to please let her stay with me. Kids tell me they are tired of having to run around from morning to night. his week my son always takes off to his friends place (the only way my daughter gets to go is to see her brothers friends), yet when they are with me their friends come to my house or they just spend time with me and we play games together. I had the kids for 3.5 weeks the day I returned them he spend an hour with them then took off with his girlfriend overnight left the kids with the aunt. the kids full name carries both of our last names yet he labels everything of the kids in his last name only.
I have a stable full time job in a bank (have had this for 7 years). he changes continuously.
I have a stable home for my children. He is on E.I for minimum of half a year.
I have time for my children. He spends most of his time with his girlfriend.
what baffles me is that he hardly spends time with them when it is his week and leaves them with someone in the family yet refuses to leave them with me instead and the kids tell him they would much rather be with me but he says that it is his week and that's that he decides.

Aveariel 09-08-2011 11:24 AM

As for the values in the home they total up to almost 30 k yet he is claiming that almost all of it was a gift from me or his family
credit cards are split and bank accounts where split when I left (I got my own account) the only account I am still watching is the house cause my name is still on the mortgage...

Aveariel 09-08-2011 11:26 AM

Oh and hunting season is coming up He never misses it usually claims E.i while he goes this means kids are left with someone else again...

Mess 09-08-2011 12:26 PM

Aveariel, you do not have unlimited free options.

You have the option of agreeing to 50/50 or you have the option of a $50,000 custody fight.

If the children didn't want to go to school, would you let them stay home? If you were going to your parents at Christmas and they wanted to stay home and play video games would you agree?

The fact that the children don't want to go is not enough reason AT THIS TIME. When they get older they will have a choice. DON'T START ASKING "When can I let them choose?" That is called Parental Alienation, don't start feeding choices too them. That IS grounds for you to lose custody.

When my son was 5 he didn't want to go to his mom's, he wanted to stay with me? He cried when I dropped him off. How do you think I should have handled it? I handled it by keeping dropping him off and gently explaining that he gets time with both of us.

Your ex is maybe not the world's greatest parent but you cannot control that, you cannot change him, the courts won't listen to the things you mention and you are getting worked up over things you can't change.

If the children spend time at their grandparents that is not a bad thing, it is not something you personally should control or decide and it isn't something to spend $50,000 on a custody fight over.

The biggest thing that will harm the children is if their parents start fighting over them. Don't do it. You have an existing compromise, offer your ex help and compassionate advice, not harsh criticism and maybe he will pull up his socks.

Aveariel 09-08-2011 01:34 PM

thank you for your reply.
I have no problem with the 50-50 custody. And yes rules should be in place, a routine needs to be set for the kids, I am not arguing or upset on that. Believe me I have tried to talk to him, I have tried to tell him we should both decide what is best for our children and discuss it like adults, find a solution together that meets into both of our schedules, he always tells me it does not matter what I say what matters is what he says and he decides no one else. He refuses to hold a decent conversation, it is always about what he has decided and I have to follow it, that I should stop being selfish, stop lying and think about the kids. Over the months I have readjusted my schedule numerous of times to meet to his to show him that this can be done, He always throws a problem out and yet I am always the one that finds a solution and try to fix and make readjustments while he just as usual expects me to do so. Even my lawyer tells me that he is very controlling and always expects things his way and these are things that are always done last minute. I am now to a point where I do not want to sit here and wonder if I can make plans with my children or will something come up? Yes, it is good for them to see their grandparents no argument there but is this ok when it is his week and they stay there for the whole week while he spends it with his girlfriend? He hardly spends time with them on the week that he has them. I have told my children that this is their father and they also need to spend time with him he has as much right to them as do I. Now my daughter keeps asking me mom it's his week yet he is always with his girlfriend and not with us why can we not just stay with you? I have even tried to set up a 4 way meeting so that maybe with the lawyers he can see that what he is doing is not right, I have tried to open his eyes. I am still waiting on a response from him for the meeting.... Also please keep in mind that none of my family lives in Canada it is only me (Yet I am able to hold a full time job, spend time with my children, and date on the week that I do not have the kids, while he has his whole family here and even uses them on his week to spend time with his girlfriend. Maybe I am old fashioned but i believe that if you want your children then you should also have time for them and spend it with them especially if you are separated from the other parent. A separation is hard enough on a child as it is and it is the parents that should make this as easy as possible for them, to let them know that nothing has changed on the parents feelings for them, that just the time is spend differently. Yet he hardly spends time with them when he has them..... As for fighting with him I refuse to fight with him when he starts with his" I said this is the way it is you are to do this " I usually tell him I refuse to argue with him, he is welcome to call me back and discuss things when he is more calm, to have a lovely evening and this conversation is over. Then I just hang up the phone.
Is there honestly nothing I can do?
He obviously does not want them cause he spends hardly any time with them and I think he is just doing this out of spite. Yet, this is affecting the children and I can see it why can he not see it?

Rioe 09-08-2011 02:13 PM

You have a few issues all wrapped up in one enormous paragraph. You need to break them apart into manageable chunks instead of getting overwhelmed by them en masse. It would also probably get you more replies and suggestions from people.

Your house, furniture and car and so on are part of equalization. Make sure proper financial disclosure of assets and debts is done, and it should come out evenly in the end.

Custody seems to be your primary problem. He is asking for sole when he probably doesn't want it, out of spite. From what you've described, that's pretty evident, but we don't know his side, obviously. Or, it could be a standard negotiating tactic from his lawyer, which is to ask for the sun and stars, but be willing to settle for the moon. So you need to balance that out by being a bit over the top yourself, but also being willing to settle. Offer back with joint custody but suggesting only every other weekend access for him, and then be willing to let yourself be talked into 50-50. He'll think he's won because you look like you backed down, or maybe he'll give in after all. The 'win' is probably all he wants.

As for the care issues, it sounds like his family may be doing a better job at raising the kids than he is, so the fact that he's foisting the kids off on his parents may be ultimately to their benefit. Annoying, but better in the long run than him caring for them. See if you can get a clause called Right of First Refusal in your agreement. A search on it here will turn up an explanation, but basically it means that if he can't care for them, he has to offer you the first chance to look after them before he goes to his family.

It's heartbreaking to see your children unhappy, but they will flourish under your care, and your ex will either see that he's alienating them all by himself, or lose out when they get old enough to decide where to be on their own. Try not to let him affect your time with them. Don't take them to the activities he arranged that fall on your time unless they really want to go. If they don't want to talk to him, don't answer the phone when he calls. Keep communication to a minimum and only about the children. As for the girlfriend and the pink hair, hair grows out, and girlfriends come and go.

You haven't said, or maybe I couldn't tell in your giant paragraphs, but is anybody paying anybody child support? Maybe his motives are financial. Is he angry about having to pay you more if he drops access down from 50-50, or unwilling to lose child support money you are paying him?

If he's motivated by pure spite and being controlling, just don't let on that it bothers you. Go along with him, be agreeable, don't show any emotion, just be businesslike and always delighted to see the kids. Once he thinks he's lost that ability to get under your skin, he may give up trying to use the kids to do so.

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