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-   -   Access to 18 year old son (https://www.ottawadivorce.com/forum/showthread.php?t=23790)

Helpmyspouse 11-28-2021 08:27 AM

Access to 18 year old son
 
Ex has come out if the woodwork after 8 years. He was ordered only supervised access at a center when son was 10 and he refused because didn't want supervision. Ex suffers from psychosis and remains unmedicated and without any insight into his sickness. A no contact order was also put in place back in 2016 to protect myself and two children from him. So he is to have zero contact with me and only supervised access at a center for kids. One child is now 18 and he is wanting contact with that son over the phone. But I know how that will go. Starts with phone and he will end up over reaching since he is mentally ill and alone. I don't want my child to take on this burden. Did the no contact order expire for my son when he turned 18? There was no end date on that court order. I have not asked child if he wants to speak to his father. Need to know my legal rights first. I don't know what kind of healthy conversations can take place with ex going on about his delusions and paranoia. Also he wont follow any boundaries and my son will be caught in the middle having to police and school his dad. Not good for my son. He most likely is schizophrenic and refuses meds. This is the absolute worst time to want access with my son starting postsecondary and needs to focus. This is a nightmare about to unfold. I got some nice quiet years and that's just come to an end

Stillbreathing 11-28-2021 10:21 AM

Check your no contact order. It is a legal document. If there is no expiry date then it should still be in effect.

rockscan 11-28-2021 02:17 PM

At 18 your son can make his own decisions but you could also put measures in place to assist him. You can also keep supervised access. I would suggest a therapist and have the ex visit that way and that person can provide a neutral and healthy barrier to the negative impacts of time with dad.

As much as you want to protect your child, there could also be resentment for preventing a relationship. Your son needs to understand his fathers illness and also learn to protect himself. Otherwise he may never be able to deal with him in the future.

Helpmyspouse 11-28-2021 02:19 PM

Thanks for your reply. There is no due date. If my son is interested in making phone contact with his father would I have to change the court order first? I don't want to go against the law and I also hope to not spend another dime on legal fees. Lawyers already ate all the money from the matrimonial home, sorry but I'm still so bitter. But even losing all my money compares to the pain I'm dealing with regarding my kids. Access centers are closed so I'm glad he won't have access to my youngest. But how the shit does this work now?? After so many years he talks with eldest child but not the youngest? Sounds like we will all need therapy for this. What bullshit.

rockscan 11-28-2021 03:20 PM

See if there is a geared to income support centre in your community like Family Service. You may have something with your work EAP too.

Your son could agree to speak to him with the no contact order in place with acknowledgement that it is his choice. That way if dad pulls a stunt kid can revert back with full protection. I would have a conversation with your son first and see how he feels. He may still want some supervision or support.

Tayken 11-29-2021 02:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Helpmyspouse (Post 248288)
One child is now 18 and he is wanting contact with that son over the phone.

Your "adult child" is how you should refer to a 18 year old. At 18 if your "adult child" can go to jail for life then they are not a child. Unless they have special needs that requires you to have power of attorney over their decisions over their life.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Helpmyspouse (Post 248288)
Did the no contact order expire for my son when he turned 18?

The restraining order would be registered with the police. Your adult child will need to go into to the local police department to inquire if the restraining order against the other parent is still in the system or has been removed. You cannot do this for your "adult child" as they are an "adult" under the law even though they are your "child".

You should provide them with a copy of the order that was made so the Peace Officer can validate it against their system and that the terms of "no contact" are outlined.


Quote:

Originally Posted by Helpmyspouse (Post 248288)
I have not asked child if he wants to speak to his father. Need to know my legal rights first.

You have NO legal rights. The ***adult child*** has the legal rights unless they have special needs and you have full power of attorney over them. Otherwise you should give them the necessary information to validate the status of the restraining order with the police and they should make the ***adult decision*** (as they are an ADULT) to contact the other parent or to have the restraining order removed.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Helpmyspouse (Post 248288)
I don't know what kind of healthy conversations can take place with ex going on about his delusions and paranoia. Also he wont follow any boundaries and my son will be caught in the middle having to police and school his dad. Not good for my son.

Your son is an Adult. Adults have to deal with family members with mental health issues all the time. At 18 there are people who deal with worse situations. There are 18 years olds who have parents in jail for Murder 1 and deal with it. It is time for you to allow your "child" to be an adult and make this decision, which they should be doing, without your interference.

Again, unless this child has a ***special need*** and cannot consent to their own medical treatment, run their own finances and be an "adult" and you have power of attorney over them.

This is all part of the process of being an adult. What would happen if you say, unfortunately died from a cardiac event? Who would police the relationship between your ADULT child and his other parent? You should get out of the way and let your child be an adult and make decisions.

Helicoptering around isn't helping your "child" be the "adult" that society expects him to be.

rockscan 11-29-2021 04:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tayken (Post 248300)
Your "adult child" is how you should refer to a 18 year old. At 18 if your "adult child" can go to jail for life then they are not a child. Unless they have special needs that requires you to have power of attorney over their decisions over their life.



The restraining order would be registered with the police. Your adult child will need to go into to the local police department to inquire if the restraining order against the other parent is still in the system or has been removed. You cannot do this for your "adult child" as they are an "adult" under the law even though they are your "child".

You should provide them with a copy of the order that was made so the Peace Officer can validate it against their system and that the terms of "no contact" are outlined.




You have NO legal rights. The ***adult child*** has the legal rights unless they have special needs and you have full power of attorney over them. Otherwise you should give them the necessary information to validate the status of the restraining order with the police and they should make the ***adult decision*** (as they are an ADULT) to contact the other parent or to have the restraining order removed.



Your son is an Adult. Adults have to deal with family members with mental health issues all the time. At 18 there are people who deal with worse situations. There are 18 years olds who have parents in jail for Murder 1 and deal with it. It is time for you to allow your "child" to be an adult and make this decision, which they should be doing, without your interference.

Again, unless this child has a ***special need*** and cannot consent to their own medical treatment, run their own finances and be an "adult" and you have power of attorney over them.

This is all part of the process of being an adult. What would happen if you say, unfortunately died from a cardiac event? Who would police the relationship between your ADULT child and his other parent? You should get out of the way and let your child be an adult and make decisions.

Helicoptering around isn't helping your "child" be the "adult" that society expects him to be.


Easya parent worrying about their kid with an unhealthy person is normal. Yes he is an adult but if his father has a protection order and supervised access, its not really helicoptering to be concerned.

iona6656 11-30-2021 06:11 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by rockscan (Post 248301)
Easy�a parent worrying about their kid with an unhealthy person is normal. Yes he is an adult but if his father has a protection order and supervised access, it�s not really helicoptering to be concerned.

+1

agree with rocksan - given the OPs history- it's quite understandable she's protective of her kids.

Tayken 12-01-2021 12:05 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by rockscan (Post 248301)
Easy�a parent worrying about their kid with an unhealthy person is normal. Yes he is an adult but if his father has a protection order and supervised access, it�s not really helicoptering to be concerned.

I never bought the OP's "story". Going to mediation with someone that unhealthy would never happen. Yet, lots of posts about progress in mediation. No mediator would take on a situation that she describes.

So I call BS on most of the "story".

rockscan 12-01-2021 10:17 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tayken (Post 248323)
I never bought the OP's "story". Going to mediation with someone that unhealthy would never happen. Yet, lots of posts about progress in mediation. No mediator would take on a situation that she describes.

So I call BS on most of the "story".


If I recall correctly it was the exs lawyer who did that to drive up costs and bleed money.


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