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HammerDad 11-25-2019 09:45 AM

Update - this last weekend was enlightening. My D and ex got into good argument on Thursday. It must have been one hell of a blow up as my ex was slamming doors and yelling. D was upset enough to text her grandmother confiding in her that they were arguing and that she was actually scared. My ex read the text the next day and started texting D in the middle of the school day attacking her saying she is airing their dirty laundry and all she could say was "wow" that D said she was scared. In the middle of school! She couldn't wait to have a talk when they got home, she had to put it on the kid while she was at school. And the kid knew what type of house she was going home to that night (until I picked her up).

We had a good talk on the drive to my place and she opened up about what her mom says about me and that they are fighting more often. She mentioned moving in again with me, or with her grandparents. She leans towards the grandparents because they live in the same town and she could continue at her current school. She did say that moving in with me, that she would make new friends and that wouldn't be too hard.

Sunday comes along and it is time to go home and I start mentioning to her to pack up her stuff, when she says she "isn't in a rush to leave". So I give her more time to relax, then drive her to the ex's talking about anything else to keep her relaxed. D could tell that mom was still upset as they texted a few times on the way home. We get to the ex's and D asks how she is supposed to go in there. Does she go in there all happy-go-lucky if the ex is upset, I tell her play it by ear. If it looks like another battle, just go to your room. Going inside the ex had that face on that she was still steaming, not acknowledging me or D. The lady is still pissed, 3-4 days after the fact. She can't get over it even though it is her daughter.

This was the first time I have ever felt bad about dropping her off. I know I left her in a hornets nest. I just hope they work something out, but the ex is more concerned about herself to look inward to wonder why D said she was scared. IMO she is too self-centred to see the damage she is doing to her relationship with her kid. All she is managing to do is push another person to closer her away.

I am starting to see the possibility grow of D moving in with me at some point. Until then, I am just trying to support her and help her with coping with the drama that her mother is.

iona6656 11-25-2019 10:01 AM

ugh. that is tough...I don't know what I would do...on one hand- that's her mom. And our job as a divorced/separated parent is to back the hell off and just support the other parent and their relationship with the kid...on the other hand- our job as a parent is also to help and protect our kid if possible.


how are you supposed to protect your kid from a shitty parent? not dangerous- just mean. i don't know.

sorry- nothing useful to add. but sorry all the same.

HammerDad 11-25-2019 10:19 AM

I am doing my best not to get involved with the ex. My D asked that I not bring it up with the ex, as she knows that will create WWIII in the house. I know it too, so I told I wouldn't say anything, I will just be there if she needs me for anything. I think she is beginning to trust me more and more that she can talk to me, and I won't say anything to the ex or start a fight.

I do support my ex, as I agree with her that D needs to keep her grades up and that she needs to respect her mom. I never talk bad about my ex to D, and D is thankful to me for it. My ex doesn't show the same restraint and D says it hurts her when the ex says mean things about me and others in D's life.

I find that more and more I pick up a stressed out teen, and return a relaxed, happy teen. But the teen does start to stress on the way home, and her coping mechanism with me is talking about funny stories in our lives, or upcoming fun events/vacations. She wants to think about good times, and not stress about what version of her mom she is coming home to.

If I felt talking to the ex would in anyway be helpful, I would. But I know the ex would come down hard on D for telling me what the ex is doing. So to protect my D, I have to sit on my hands and take whatever BS is the ex says about me. Luckily I have pretty broad shoulders and a good support system and I can take it. I also know my ex, so I brush most of it off and put it in the "stupid box" where it belongs. But my D doesn't have the same ability, and is stuck there day in and day out with a person whose mood changes faster than I can flip through channels.

gettingexpensive 11-25-2019 10:26 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by HammerDad (Post 239577)
She leans towards the grandparents because they live in the same town and she could continue at her current school. She did say that moving in with me, that she would make new friends and that wouldn't be too hard.

I wouldn't do this to the grand-parents. The ex will likely lash on them.

Quote:

Originally Posted by HammerDad (Post 239577)
This was the first time I have ever felt bad about dropping her off. I know I left her in a hornets nest.

And you must wonder how many times you did not see the signs... And definitely stay out of it with regards to discussing that with the mom. It won't go anywhere and she'll need a scapegoat.


This truly sucks but the bright side is that she is now old enough to voice her opinion and set some boundaries. Not sure what the best way out of this is..

Just yesterday I had to "force" my oldest (15) to email his report card to his mom. He did not want to do it, was stressed about it (he wants to be low contact) and ended up with stomach cramps, falling asleep at 2am, .. all because I tried to have him keep a relationship with his mom. I'm slowly turning into a believer that this may not be worth saving. I sure won't prevent it, but he'll get to decide a lot more. I'll have a chat with him tonight.

rockscan 11-25-2019 10:46 AM

I lived in that situation and had no grandparents or dad to run to. At some point we all ran away to get out of the toxic environment. Yes teenagers are a pain in the ass sometimes and yes they do have issues with behaviour, grades and rules BUT dealing with a difficult parent who is still mad several days after the fact is a bigger challenge than a teen should have to deal with.

Has your daughter ever talked about therapy for the two of them? How does mom react when kid stands up to her? Or what is said when kid tells her this isnt ok? Are the grandparents momís parents? If yes have they tried talking to her?

I can say from experience that it is super hard to live with a parent who treats you like this. They never get it. They continue to think it is ok as a parent to behave that way. Kids have enough on their plate as it is, dealing with a difficult home life makes it worse.

I wouldnít worry about saying anything to the ex. This is your child too and you were able to get out of the relationship with her. I wonder if it may be time to support your child taking a break from mom. Maybe a few weeks with grandparents to test it out?

HammerDad 11-25-2019 11:10 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by rockscan (Post 239584)
Has your daughter ever talked about therapy for the two of them?

No she hasn't. It is something I was planning on bringing up next time I have her for my weekend.


Quote:

How does mom react when kid stands up to her? Or what is said when kid tells her this isnt ok?
D doesn't go into specifics. She talks that mom is mad, and that she says mean things. D generally tries to avoid conflict by retreating to her room.

Quote:

Are the grandparents momís parents? If yes have they tried talking to her?
The grandparents are the ex's parents. I am not aware if they have tried to speak to her. As much as we are polite when we meet, we don't really talk outside of that.

Quote:

I can say from experience that it is super hard to live with a parent who treats you like this. They never get it.
The ex doesn't get it. It is all about her, her image and her way. She is inflexible about so many things. And should D do anything to upset the ex, the ex attacks in the most hurtful ways she knows how.

Quote:

Kids have enough on their plate as it is, dealing with a difficult home life makes it worse.
Yup, which is why I try to keep it relaxed at my place. Homework must get done, and we go to her activities. But the pressure level differences between the households are worlds apart.

Quote:

I wonder if it may be time to support your child taking a break from mom. Maybe a few weeks with grandparents to test it out?
That is another thing I am going to touch on with D. The ex's parents are very local, so it won't upset D's life much by staying with them for a bit. However, I know the ex will take it as an attack on her and her parenting. She will hold it against D in future arguments. She did when I left her the first time, she never really forgave me or changed her ways. It was always brought up and used against me. It may be worth it though to give D some perspective and relief. Hopefully everyone could use that time to reflect on what is going wrong.

rockscan 11-25-2019 12:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by HammerDad (Post 239586)
However, I know the ex will take it as an attack on her and her parenting. She will hold it against D in future arguments. She did when I left her the first time, she never really forgave me or changed her ways. It was always brought up and used against me. It may be worth it though to give D some perspective and relief. Hopefully everyone could use that time to reflect on what is going wrong.


She will never let it go and all it will do is affect your daughter negatively. Therapy will help her cope as well as understand the fault is her mothers.

Staying with the grandparents will only be temporary and your ex will go back to her attacks when kid comes back. You may need to prepare for a more permanent or longer-term situation. Thankfully she is almost old enough to go away to school.

The problem wonít go away and as your daughter ages and extends her wings, her mother will escalate her emotional abuse. It is terrible and I truly feel for your daughter. Some people really suck at parenting.


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