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-   -   Picking up child from school without any notification (https://www.ottawadivorce.com/forum/showthread.php?t=23495)

Nadia 02-17-2021 08:04 PM

Picking up child from school without any notification
 
So after not seeing our son for over 10 months our son’s father decides to turn up at school and pick him up. Doesn’t notify me of his plans. My son calls me ten minutes after he is supposed to get on the bus to inform me his dad just turned up and he is going with him.

Last time his father picked him from the school was five years ago. And that was after we both agreed. We have a family court order in place dated 2014 which states mid week access is suppose to commence at 6.30pm on Wednesdays with father returning child to school the next morning at 8.45am
Any changes to this can of course be arranged amicably between the parents.

The last time the father exercised his mid week access was several years ago. Prior to the last 10 months the grandparents would pick up our son for every other weekend (Friday-Sunday). Which went ok. During COViD have done my best to facilitate relationship through phone calls with grandparents. They insist he call them every night. Last few months he has been forgetting to call every night. But calls 3-4 times a week. They’ve dropped by a number of times at our house to say hello without in person contact. Just waving from the window etc, This past Sunday they wanted to come by but it wasn’t a good time and told them it wasn’t a good idea. I don’t think they took it well.

So after not wanting to exercise ANY access for over 10 months, the father decides he is just going to drive to our son’s school and pick him up without notifying me.

Do I have reason to be upset that I was not notified? Even spoke to the grandfather this morning and had a pleasant conversation with him about his health but at no point did the grandfather indicate his son was planning on picking up his grandson from school. Father lives with his parents.

The school assumed I had been notified ahead of time and didn’t think to verify.

Context:
Son is now 14 years old.
Separated 14 years ago
We live an hour away from the grandparents. Different towns/regions.
Tons of litigation which ended with father from being prohibited from bringing any application/motion to court without first seeking permission from court.
Police enforcement clause removed after father abused it

Janus 02-17-2021 08:20 PM

Unless school finishes at 6:30pm, it appears that it was not his parenting time.

I would let him know by email that in the future you expect him to follow his parenting time. I would also state that you are likely open to him picking up your son directly after school if and only if it is discussed in advance.

I might consider waiting until your son is back in school tomorrow before sending that message. People sometimes act like idiots, and best if your son was not around during potential idiot time.

Also, since his parenting time never allows him to pick up the child from school, you can get a note added to the file. Just bring in the court order to the office and talk to the principal.

standing on the sidelines 02-17-2021 08:21 PM

while I think the school should of double checked and I would be upset about that. Your son is 14 though and even though his father should of contacted you, your son did call you to say he was going with him.

To me this isn't something to get totally worked up over. I would just send reminders to the school and other parent that you need to be informed. You could tell your son that next time he has to come home on the bus but making him do that is another thing.

Nadia 02-17-2021 08:26 PM

Thank you
Just needed a reality check.
It was just a bit of a shock coming out of the blue like this.

rockscan 02-17-2021 10:06 PM

Your son is 14. At this age he can decide to live with his father if he wanted.

There may be more to this though. Has there been an event that has happened recently? Refusal for dad or grandparents seeing your son? Someone saying something that may have upset them? A knee jerk reaction that may have set them off? Dad lose his job and need cs changed? I hate to say it is something other than dad wanting to see his son but sometimes there is more.

Janus does have a point about dad following the agreement but kid is a teen and has the freedom to go with dad. There really isnt a need to create drama. Its a good thing that dad finally wanted to see son.


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Nadia 02-17-2021 11:38 PM

Rocksan

No nothing other than refusing grandparents visit by this past Sunday because I didn’t think it was smart of them to travel from a region that was under a stay at home order just to drop off food grandmother had made and then go grocery shopping in our region. It was also the 15th anniversary of my fathers sudden death. So didn’t really want to see my ex in laws.

But yes it’s nice father wanted to see his son after 10 months. So there is that. Wish he had just told me he was picking him up from school. In the past 8 years the father hadn’t attended a single parent teacher interview or musical performance But that might change now.

Son loves the school he is at and the high school he will be moving to in September.
So not sure if he will want to move to a different region. He has friends he has had since grade one live in this neighborhood and are moving to the same high school.

Son also loves having his own bedroom and privacy here. Grandmother insists that he share her bed when he is staying overnight. But hey, maybe that will change, now that I’ve finally had the courage to tell them that this sleeping arrangement is unacceptable.

He is a typical teenager when he is at home here. Moody, angry and upset sometimes but that’s ok because he feels safe enough to express those emotions. But he knows I love him unconditionally no matter what. He spends a lot of time with his friends playing on Xbox or in person at the park playing basketball. Pre-covid used to drive him to all his games.

Son is very eager to please father and grandparents and will avoid conflict at all cost. But it has to be his journey to navigate. No doubt he will carve out his own identity. I will support him no matter what.

But thank you for the different perspective.

Nadia 02-18-2021 01:35 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by rockscan (Post 245409)
Your son is 14. At this age he can decide to live with his father if he wanted.

There may be more to this though. Has there been an event that has happened recently? Refusal for dad or grandparents seeing your son? Someone saying something that may have upset them? A knee jerk reaction that may have set them off? Dad lose his job and need cs changed? I hate to say it is something other than dad wanting to see his son but sometimes there is more.

Janus does have a point about dad following the agreement but kid is a teen and has the freedom to go with dad. There really isn�t a need to create drama. Its a good thing that dad finally wanted to see son.



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You got all this from our son being picked up unexpectedly from school for a mid week overnight visit?

Don’t you think it would have been helpful to have been notified? Or even for his son to have known what was going on?

The last time I had any contact with my ex was two years ago when we were in court for an increase in child support after 5 years of requests for NOA. Have not heard anything from him since. My two emails about NOA for 2019 and 2020 have gone ignored.

Had a pretty good relationship with grandparents up until now.

rockscan 02-18-2021 11:05 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nadia (Post 245411)
You got all this from our son being picked up unexpectedly from school for a mid week overnight visit?

Dont you think it would have been helpful to have been notified? Or even for his son to have known what was going on?

The last time I had any contact with my ex was two years ago when we were in court for an increase in child support after 5 years of requests for NOA. Have not heard anything from him since. My two emails about NOA for 2019 and 2020 have gone ignored.

Had a pretty good relationship with grandparents up until now.


Most non custodial parents who dont have any contact for months and then suddenly show up have a trigger factor involved. It could be a desire to reduce child support, a refusal of parenting time, missed calls or a resurfacing from some other aspect. There have been enough posts on here to see that some non custodial parents have a motive behind your behaviours. Which is why I asked what changed to cause him to flex.

You did get notice as your son called you. Its not like you were sitting wondering where he was. Was it fair? No. Do I agree with dad for pulling the stunt? No. Do I agree that you should make a big deal out of it and call dad out? No. You could send him a quick email and just say hey could you let me know the next time as you threw us both off. And leave it at that. If the child was younger then it would warrant a bigger response but in this case it doesnt.


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Nadia 02-18-2021 11:35 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by rockscan (Post 245414)
Most non custodial parents who don�t have any contact for months and then suddenly show up have a trigger factor involved. It could be a desire to reduce child support, a refusal of parenting time, missed calls or a resurfacing from some other aspect. There have been enough posts on here to see that some non custodial parents have a motive behind your behaviours. Which is why I asked what changed to cause him to flex.

You did get notice as your son called you. It�s not like you were sitting wondering where he was. Was it fair? No. Do I agree with dad for pulling the stunt? No. Do I agree that you should make a big deal out of it and call dad out? No. You could send him a quick email and just say hey could you let me know the next time as you threw us both off. And leave it at that. If the child was younger then it would warrant a bigger response but in this case it doesn�t.


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As I explained above the only thing that changed was my refusal for grandparents to visit. There has been no other trigger. To be honest this would have been enough. For the sake of our son, I’ve gone out my way to maintain a relationship with the grandparents. They did all the driving back and forth for two years off alternative weekends. They preferred to drop him off on Sunday evenings instead of Mondays. They always touched base with me evening before they picked up from school. So that became the norm. No midweek pickup whatsoever.

But fair enough. I did just that (email dad with a professional note - asking him to just let me know next time) and leave it at that.

Hopefully there weren’t be a time when both of us turn up at the same time. For example today the kid has an orthodontist appointment immediately after school dismissal. Is dad planning on turning up? Should I assume he can turn up at any time as he wishes? Should dad turn up unannounced today, do i then just pay the no show fee at the Orthodontist?

Is he picking the child up consistently every Wednesday? Should I not schedule anything between 3pm and 6.30 everyday just in case he decides this is the day he would like to see his son? Even though we have a family order in place with specific days/times? Does it work the other way too? What if the son doesn’t want to go and prefers to spend time with his friends?

I totally understand the whole piece of son being 14 and has the right to spend his time as he wishes. But just trying to figure out the day to day stuff.

Thank you for the feedback.

Janus 02-18-2021 12:10 PM

I missed that the kid was 14. I assumed that since OP said that she was surprised that the school let the kid go that the kid was grade 3 or younger. Since her son is in grade 8 or 9 and can just leave at the end of the day, I am not sure why there would be any expectation that the school would intervene.

I was imagining a 5 year old kid. For a 14 year old, this is a non-issue.


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