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Lex 01-29-2020 09:43 AM

First time poster, long time reader
 
Thank you for this web board and its members who provide advice and perspectives to those fresh in the fire and those who have been long burning.
This is my second time around, other children are 29 and 30, tons of $ in court with a bipolar spouse, you get the picture.
This time fate gave me a son, we never married, we stayed together for 6 years after. Here is the timeline.

2012-agreement written between us, signed/witnessed, not filed with court
50:50 split, week on, week off, (Fri to Fri) alternating Christmas, Easter and Thanksgiving
no child support child stays in school currently enrolled (rural small town) If parent moves from school district, must pay for transportation to current school. extracurricular activities costs equally paid by both (this doesn't happen, I pay all)

Dad pays child support for another child he does not see (not my problem), but financially he has no means or desire to go to court and cant live on his own. (FRO arrears is over $15,000). This is why the 'no child support' clause we put in the agreement. I am paying additional expenses (extracurricular, school trips etc) I have our son on my benefits which covers most health/dental.

2018-dad moves 40km away, out of school district, drives son for bus pick up (friends house). Son leaves at 5:30am from dads and returns home around 6:30pm
I am within walking distance of school and primary residence at school.

Son now 14, heading to high school in September. He does not want to get up at 5:30am to make 40km trip to friends house, take a bus, then go to H.S. and reverse trip where he would get back to dads at 6:30pm. Teenage kids need sleep!
Bus company will only allow 1 address for busing (HS 10 km away from me, so we need a bus route in September).
I occasionally do trips out of country on weeks that son not with me (therefore my home cannot be a drop off spot for dad).

Son cannot talk to dad about his wishes, dad cries (I'm not kidding). Every time I try to inquire with dad, he changes the subject or wont answer me. If I push the issue, he questions his son, Dont you love me?, he frequently scans our text messages and then drills our son about the content of our discussions. Where is mom going now?, who is she seeing?
What I hear from my son is that he does not like the living arrangements (with stepmom/step sister), he is too far away from his local school, cant get a regular job or take weekly lessons because dad wont drive him.

I am willing to re-write agreement. I dont want this to turn to the courts because frankly, court makes things nasty. I've been there done that.

What I fear is that my son will one day become angry-teenage-boy and walk away from him. I don't want that to happen, he needs to have both parents in his life and I want him to have a relationship with dad. How can I approach this possible change?

rockscan 01-29-2020 10:10 AM

Tell your ex that kid is going to live with you during the week for school but will see him on weekends. That he is struggling with bus travel and times and doesnt want to do it. Remind him this is in the best interest of the kid and its what he wants. That if dad has a problem it is HIS problem not kids and you do not want any emotional grief or negative comments on kid.

If you wanted to you could also tell him that if he presses the issue you will seek child support.

He chose to move. He created this problem. If he was so worried about his feelings (which are not relevant) then he should have considered the impact on kid.

rollingesto 02-02-2020 08:40 PM

I feel for you and your son. I very much like Rockscan's suggestion, but would suggest talk to son about it before X. My guess is that your son might prefer to avoid surprises and any resulting/related conflict? Have encountered somewhat similar issues...

Lex 02-07-2020 04:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by rollingesto (Post 240509)
I feel for you and your son. I very much like Rockscan's suggestion, but would suggest talk to son about it before X. My guess is that your son might prefer to avoid surprises and any resulting/related conflict? Have encountered somewhat similar issues...

Thanks rollingesto!
Ongoing discussions have been happening for over a year about this subject. I clarified with son recently and he wishes to do every other weekend with dad.
Because he is 14, I am hoping this is the last 'agreement' to write up and should take us until he is 18 years old.

I just have to make sure the agreement is simply laid out. Things are always interpreted differently.


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