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northpole 01-21-2006 10:10 AM

Any ideas
I have been seperated for 15 months. My wife left and got a lawyer when I was not expecting it. First I refused to get one and then the fun began. Her lawyer stated I could not see the children until I got one. I have 6. This of course set the stage for excuse after excuse for not having access. In Dec we went to court and the judge literally ripped my wifes lawyer to peices. I received access and joint custody for 3 months with no interference from her. She did try and stop them by saying my heater did not work in the car and that one seat belt was not working. All not true. My problem is she continues to control my life through her lawyer and will not communicate at all and when I say at all that is what I mean. We do not know what they want and months go by where we send information, ask questions, ask to meet etc. The only way we get a response is to threaten with court. Her goal all along appears to kick me out of her life and the kids as well. She will not say this but that is all myself and my lawyer can think of. It is very frustrating now to try and bring closure when our letters are not answered, we continue to try and compromise to get things done and do not receive any response. I still can not get my stuff even though when threatened with court after it is over they will not respond. I did not want this and in March she said it was truly over. I want this whole mess to end. She is on Legal aide. I was thinking of complaining to them stating that tax payers money seems to be being wasted. She of course states she can not talk to me so I should not have access. I am really frustrated with this whole thing. Why is it that children are used for control and is assumed that fathers care for their children less. Even with a great victory in court it seems that the goal is to drag this on forever until the papers are signed with what she wants whatever that may be. Any ideas. I just want to go on with my life, have access and be free. Thanks

logicalvelocity 01-21-2006 10:18 AM


If you are getting no where by sending to your ex's lawyer only to have the communication ignored, your only solution is to bring forth motions through the courts and hopefully get some orders in place that protect your children's relationship with you in the form of custody and or access.

If your ex's refuses to obey these court order's willfully, this would be a serious offense. Family Courts do have the power to imprison someone if found to be in contempt of court orders. This would be an extreme penalty.

Generally in a lot of cases such as yours , the courts just take custody away and give it to the other parent.

It is apparent that they are trying to make it difficult as possible and try to frustrate you to give up maybe walk away from the issues.

Be calm cool and collective at all times and don't give up. Pursue the issues through the courts.

northpole 01-23-2006 02:05 AM

Thanks. It would appear they are trying to frustrate the situation. It is starting to work. I am starting to think this will never end. I am going to try going into legal aide and try to complain that money is being wasted by tax payers as they are not even trying to bring any type of closure. They will not even let us know why they feel I should not have joint custody only that my ex states we can not communicate. I want to but she refuses. There are no grounds for no access. Geez I worked hard for 18 years so she could stay at home and I have no bad habits. Her mom did the same to her dad but he got fed up and just left the picture, but his kids hate him. I do not want that to happen. Ian

Decent Dad 01-23-2006 07:41 AM


My ex did basically the same thing. Drag things on and on. It gets really expensive. Don't let her push you around or control the process. Some simple advice:

- Don't lose you cool. Remain calm. Don't give the ex ANYTHING that can be used against you. Even though this is very frustrating.
- Have witnesses for everything. Don't be around your ex without a witness.
- Document everything. All access, transitions, missed access, any involvement in your children's day-to-day activities and so on.
- Retain your status quo joint custody and access. Those are your children too. Don't be pushed around. The longer you retain joint custody and joint access, the harder it will be for a judge to take it away.
- Offer mediation and counselling. Offer it 100 times.
- After a few months (at least 6) of status quo, refused mediation, refused to cooperate, start to file motions. Take control of the process. File for joint custody and joint access.
- Just because she does not cooperate in the legal process, does not mean you both cannot cooperate in co-parenting. Ask for joint custody with good examples of joint decision making (for example, picking the same school). That fact she is blocking access, etc., is not a factor for not granting joint custody.
- If you file for sole custody, she will too. You will not get it and she will get sole-custody. Sadly, her behaviour of blocking access does not seem to count for a women. It would take years of this for her to lose custody. But document it anyway and put it in the affidavit.
- Have a great affidavit. Your affidavit has to be 10 times better than hers. Keep it clean and simple. Judges don't want to read 100 pages of bickering.
- Be calm and cool.

What she is doing is brutal. But it happens. And it happens a lot (or you wouldn't be on this board). It absolutely disgusts me how people use their kids against the other parent.

logicalvelocity 01-23-2006 11:02 AM


I wouldn't be concerned about contacting legal aid. The amount of hours they cover is between your ex, her lawyer and them.

However, on the other side of the coin, legal aid will only cover a certain amount of hours depending on the issues.

The legal aid tariff billable hours can be found here at this link

Family Law Tariff

The tariff for general family law uses a system of time issue allotments based on the most seriously contested issue facing the client first, with subsequent authorizations to acknowledge other substantially contested issues.

At the outset, a certificate is generally issued for the basic time issue allotment (12 hours) and for the first pre-trial (4 hours), or for an opinion only, which is limited to 2 hours. The majority of cases receive additional time allotments to recognize other substantially contested issues if they cannot be resolved within the time authorization already granted. A second time issue allotment is available for the most seriously contested issue in
complicated cases. For example, in difficult custody cases, the basic allotment of 12 hours plus 15 hours (custody) may be extended, so that an additional 15 hours (custody) is available. This one time authorization is only available in the most complex cases. A double authorization is also available for restraining orders in a family law case even if there has been a double authorization for other issues (e.g.: child custody, access or support).

Example of a complicated family law case and time issue allotments:

In a seriously contested custody case involving allegations of spousal or child abuse, as the case progresses, the area director may authorize:

Opinion 2 hours
Balance - basic allotment 10 hours
Custody 15 hours
Second allotment (custody) 15 hours
Restraining order (2 x 4 hours) 8 hours
Total 50 hours (prior to first pre-trial)

In family law matters, the maximums include all services before the first pre-trial hearing
• Interviews;
• Correspondence (see Correspondence, page 4-1);
• Communications;
• Pleadings;
• Preparation of financial statements;
• Production;
• Affidavit of documents;
• Questioning
• Cross-examinations;
• Examinations for discovery;
• Negotiations;
• Motions;
• Waiting time;
• Case management meetings with a judge;
• Opinion letters;
• Reporting;
• Billing (with maximum of .2 hours).

In family law matters, authorization for the first and subsequent pretrial conferences, case conferences, settlement conferences or issues hearings is available from the area director.

Hang in there. Be calm and cool at all times. Document everything.
The legal process is far from perfect, just have patience. It will go a long way to resolve your issues.

northpole 01-24-2006 01:36 AM

Thank you for your input. This has been a nightmare that I wish would end. Just today we got another response. They again refused to meet and refused yet another offer. She said we could not communicate so we proposed a monthly calender showing me the time of events that the kids were in so I might be able to go. She turned this down. It is frustrating though and it is nice to receive a reminder to keep cool. Thanks

logicalvelocity 01-24-2006 11:32 AM


You have been more than reasonable in attempting to resolve the issues. Your only recourse at this point in time is to proceed through the courts.
by way of motions.

If what you are asking for is very reasonable and is awarded by the courts, do not forget to ask for costs as your ex will be asking for costs. - This is a paramount condition of receiving legal aid that costs are requested.

Aden 01-24-2006 06:52 PM

I feel for you..
My situation is simliar.. I have hardly seen our kids at all....and i have been giving every penny I have made to her for help....she does not want to have to go to court but her lawyer is threatening... I have so much on my plate that i truly do not know what to do.... I am at the end of my rope..
-Good luck....

Tim 01-24-2006 09:46 PM

Aden that sounds like a really draining situation - basically you give all your money away but your kids are taken away from you.

There is still hope.. dont be at the end of your rope.

northpole 01-29-2006 12:52 AM

Aden you are not alone
Hi Aden

I am truly sorry to hear about your situation. I have had to move three times because of finances. I have 6 kids and the law does not seem to take that into account. I do not mind trying to pay this. I barely saw my kids for over a year. I almost understand why men just leave and go away. Loosing your home, your wife, your children and then having a huge dept almost did me in. Funny though, no one really seems to care. Suck it up and keep on working, two jobs if you have to. I lost my job through it all (working with difficult kids and their families) and then you are called a bum. I had worked for this place for 20 years. Moved up the latter and worked hard so she could stay home with the children. No easy feat. They still want money. I have gotten through it and am feeling much better. I am strong enough to work two jobs, but for how long. I just want it to end so I can get on without having the whining and complaining. You would not believe the complaints I have to deal with. The heater is not working properly in the car. Get it fixed or you prove you do not like your children. I could go on with all the stupid complaints she comes up with. Today I was finally able to get my things. She was surprised when I showed up with a RCMP officer. Usually when I go there she makes a big stink. All I can say right now is that things emmotionally do start to get better. It has been a night mare and it saddens me to know that alot are worse off then myself. Funny as well, You can not have your children over to sleep if you are in a bachelor suite, which costs less, but the court still wants you to pay the money. Anyway, I have a one bed room. When they do come over the girls get the room and the boys get the living room. It has been better. Now a new proplem arrives, working two jobs and someone who will not bend on the access days. Yes I am sure I will win in court. It is just more aggravation, worry and focus. Good luck to you Aden. You sure are not alone. I can honestly say as well that I do feel much stronger than ever before because of the crappy experiences. It was not always easy. I remember going three months of endless tears wondering when I would see my children again. I seriously thought I was going down for good. Thanks for all the help and suggestions I have received. I was never really bitter at my wife but can honestly say I am now getting there. Staying cool is so important. Thanks for that advice. Ian

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