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iona6656 08-06-2019 09:56 AM


Originally Posted by Janus (Post 237275)
You misunderstand. I found your use of the word "safety" to be ridiculous :)


That is what I felt was a ridiculous statement. The guy is crippled. There is no safety issue here. If you cry "safety" all the time, it hurts those who have legitimate safety issues.

You don't know what the extent of the abuse was. Was it purely physical? Was it emotional or psychological? Was it sexual?

Yeah- that's why you're wrong about this. Safety is about the person feeling safe and comfortable.

My ex coming up to my car to tap on the window when our daughter was inside- is that a real threat? No. Did it make me feel off and unsafe? Yes. Was it in a public space? Yes.

Was I overreacting? No. You know how I know I wasn't- because I felt unsafe because of his actions- because of our history. And anyone trained in working with victims of assault will tell you the same thing.

You know what our coparent therapist told my ex when he said "I just want to know why she feels unsafe or uncomfortable" ? She said "She doesn't need to tell you. You're not entitled to know".

Same deal here. You guys wanting to know why the OP doesn't want to go to the gate or walk the kids to the door- those questions where there is documented and real abuse- not valid in my opinion. She doesn't owe that to us- and she certainly doesn't owe those answers to her ex.


Her ex is injured, this is a temporary situation. This is hardly a boundary push.

By him telling her how the scheduling will work (e.g. drop them off for a couple of hours and pick them up) THAT is boundary pushing. You have parenting plan. Stick to it. If he needs to go outside that- it's totally understandable in this case- you ASK.

When I broke my ankle. I asked that my ex accommodate me and the situation. When he said "nope" to parts of it- I made arrangements to have someone do my driving for me.

That's what boundary pushing is.


Not being an epic jerk helps too. ...She has the right to not help, but that does not mean that she should not help.
Is that to me or the OP? Her saying no- and offering solutions like Hammerdad said is in no way being a jerk. Her situation is not the norm.

And this is where I disagree. Being accommodating is different than helping.

iona6656 08-06-2019 09:58 AM


Originally Posted by standing on the sidelines (Post 237276)
I totally agree with Janus. These are extenuating circumstances. I am positive that the guy isnt getting surgery just to be able to push boundaries with his ex.

This isnt a situation where he is trying to switch weekends every month or something like that.

Telling the OP how the visits will work is pushing boundaries.


Originally Posted by HammerDad (Post 237287)
The answer here should be to simply switch weekends until a later date, unless the ex is dead set on having the kids that weekend. And if that is the case, I would have simply offered to drop off the kids and they make arrangements to have extra care at the house to assist them.


tunnelight 08-08-2019 11:37 AM

I agree with posters who suggested to take a friendly approach here.

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