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-   -   I am not ready (https://www.ottawadivorce.com/forum/showthread.php?t=22689)

Mother 08-22-2019 10:53 PM

I am not ready
 
Hello everyone, I am in need of your advise and opinion please.


Parent A and Parent B, joint 50/50 custody, child elementary school age resides with one parent, another parent has typical every other weekend access.



Child continuously is asking questions why they are residing more with one parent and less with another parent and why don't they live equally with both parents.



Child expressed a wish to live 50/50 with both parents on a number of occasion.



"Access" parent contacted their ex, on a number of occasions asking to have one additional day with the child and mentioned that the child support obligations will not stop or change going forward.



"Main" parent responded saying "we spoke about it already many many times and I'm not ready".



The so called "conversations" were something like this:

- Question: I would like to get more access to the child.
- Response: a) child is too small; b)I am not ready. c) No
- Question: Why not? Could you give me a reason/reasons?

- Response: Because I said so and I don't want to talk about it..."



1. Can one parent deny more access just because they are "not ready"? The best interest of a child should be taking in consideration first of all I think, not readiness of that person
2. What can be done? How to respond to this?


Thank you

iona6656 08-22-2019 11:17 PM

How old is the child?

Why is the access parent even discussing this with the child?

How long has the arrangement been status quo?

I remember your other post. Is child still having behaviour issues at school?

Other than the child wanting a more even distribution of parenting time, any other reason to change the current arrangement?

iona6656 08-22-2019 11:23 PM

Also, when you say ďjoint 50/50 custodyĒ- do you mean, joint custody with primary residence to the other parent?

tunnelight 08-23-2019 03:57 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mother (Post 237636)
another parent has typical every other weekend access.

I wouldn't call it typical. It's become far less common than in the past.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mother (Post 237636)
Child continuously is asking questions why they are residing more with one parent and less with another parent and why don't they live equally with both parents.

This question will cross every child's mind at some point in their life. Child's concern with their arrangement of time with parents will need to be addressed.

Answer is simple if it was an agreement, mommy and daddy agreed on this when we separated. I will speak to dad to see how we can make things better for you.

IF court ordered, then something like, when parents separate, an arrangement has to be in place for the children. I will speak with dad and see how we can make things better better for you.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mother (Post 237636)
Child expressed a wish to live 50/50 with both parents on a number of occasion.

As any normal non-alienated child could would and should. Child's preferences of this nature should be given significant weight. Mother should accommodate or risk resentment by child.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mother (Post 237636)
"Access" parent contacted their ex, on a number of occasions asking to have one additional day with the child and mentioned that the child support obligations will not stop or change going forward.

Excellent father. Has taken a child focused and reasonable step/attemot to addressing and accommodate child's views and preferences.

Knowing the mother would use child support as a reason to deny, he's waved that so the mom has no such excuse to make. Hes intentions are clean. Personally, I wouldn't offer a higher child support amount. Father is being very generous here.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mother (Post 237636)
"Main" parent responded saying "we spoke about it already many many times and I'm not ready".



I've had silly excuse from my ex too. Truth is, as you have acknowledge in your post, nobody really cares about the mother's readiness. It's about what's best for the child. Too often mother's/women want what's best for their feelings and emotions at any particular given time. That's why you have some particular mother's demanding incremental access increases.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mother (Post 237636)
The so called "conversations" were something like this:

- Question: I would like to get more access to the child.

Reasonable request that is going to be provided to a judge.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mother (Post 237636)
- Response: a) child is too small; b)I am not ready. c) No

Unreasonable response. Will be put before a judge.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mother (Post 237636)
- Question: Why not? Could you give me a reason/reasons?

Reasonable question before heading to court.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mother (Post 237636)
- Response: Because I said so and I don't want to talk about it..."



In other words, I'm the queen of England, so it's my way or the highway. I know I can't use the child support argument against you and I don't have anything else to use against you so I don't want you to know my real reasons because I know I'm being unreasonable and have something to hide.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mother (Post 237636)
1. Can one parent deny more access just because they are "not ready"? The best interest of a child should be taking in consideration first of all I think, not readiness of that person

No, they can't. If they're not ready to accommodate what's best for their children then they are not ready to be a fit parent.

Yes, correct. Family law is about the best interests of the child - not the best interests of the mother.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mother (Post 237636)
2. What can be done? How to respond to this?

You see, children are smart and parents can only get away with so much for so long. Let's start first with
What can't be done. You can't start disparaging and making ill founded accusations against him. What can be done is you simply agree to give the children an extra day with their father and deliver the good news to the father and the children. This also addresses your question of how to respond.

iona6656 08-23-2019 11:09 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by tunnelight (Post 237640)
This question will cross every child's mind at some point in their life. Child's concern with their arrangement of time with parents will need to be addressed.

Answer is simple if it was an agreement, mommy and daddy agreed on this when we separated. I will speak to dad to see how we can make things better for you.

IF court ordered, then something like, when parents separate, an arrangement has to be in place for the children. I will speak with dad and see how we can make things better better for you.

This response I agree with. Everything else you said? ehhh.

I really think it depends on the age of the child.

If they were a pre-teen or teenager and they didn't want to go to the access parents on the weekend because they wanted to hang out with their friends, would you still say that the parents should work together to address the request of the child? Would you say that the access parent should suggest they have less time? Yeah, I didn't think so.

Kids preferences and wants should absolutely be accounted for, but only to a certain extent. If they didn't want to go to the other parents home- there would be at least 10 posters in this thread pointing out that kids don't want to go to school and you still have to make them go. So what makes the reverse situation different?


If there are no concerns about safety or basic care of the child, and the parents are prohibitively far apart (>1hr), I agree that there doesn't seem to be a valid reason NOT to add the extra day mid week...or tack on a monday.

Also- not every mother is your ex. Calm down.

Mother 08-23-2019 11:14 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by tunnelight (Post 237640)
I wouldn't call it typical. It's become far less common than in the past.


This question will cross every child's mind at some point in their life. Child's concern with their arrangement of time with parents will need to be addressed.

Answer is simple if it was an agreement, mommy and daddy agreed on this when we separated. I will speak to dad to see how we can make things better for you.

IF court ordered, then something like, when parents separate, an arrangement has to be in place for the children. I will speak with dad and see how we can make things better better for you.


As any normal non-alienated child could would and should. Child's preferences of this nature should be given significant weight. Mother should accommodate or risk resentment by child.



Excellent father. Has taken a child focused and reasonable step/attemot to addressing and accommodate child's views and preferences.

Knowing the mother would use child support as a reason to deny, he's waved that so the mom has no such excuse to make. Hes intentions are clean. Personally, I wouldn't offer a higher child support amount. Father is being very generous here.



I've had silly excuse from my ex too. Truth is, as you have acknowledge in your post, nobody really cares about the mother's readiness. It's about what's best for the child. Too often mother's/women want what's best for their feelings and emotions at any particular given time. That's why you have some particular mother's demanding incremental access increases.



Reasonable request that is going to be provided to a judge.



Unreasonable response. Will be put before a judge.



Reasonable question before heading to court.


In other words, I'm the queen of England, so it's my way or the highway. I know I can't use the child support argument against you and I don't have anything else to use against you so I don't want you to know my real reasons because I know I'm being unreasonable and have something to hide.



No, they can't. If they're not ready to accommodate what's best for their children then they are not ready to be a fit parent.

Yes, correct. Family law is about the best interests of the child - not the best interests of the mother.



You see, children are smart and parents can only get away with so much for so long. Let's start first with
What can't be done. You can't start disparaging and making ill founded accusations against him. What can be done is you simply agree to give the children an extra day with their father and deliver the good news to the father and the children. This also addresses your question of how to respond.


tunnelight , thank you so very much for your great response. Agree with what your thoughts are and it is sad that some mothers are on the power trip trying to get what they want (mostly money) and make ita ll about themselves.

tunnelight 08-23-2019 11:45 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mother (Post 237643)
tunnelight , thank you so very much for your great response. Agree with what your thoughts are and it is sad that some mothers are on the power trip trying to get what they want (mostly money) and make ita ll about themselves.

Happy to hear that I was of assistance to you. I wish you well. :)

Mother 08-23-2019 02:22 PM

And another denial from that same parent:


"this is not going to be discussed you dont like what I am saying you can go ahead and hire a lawyer. well go thru this again. we've done it once I'm willing to go thru this again

"Child" is not ready to spend a week away from me and "child's" sibling. I'm sorry

so if you are not liking my answer . get a lawyer !"


I don't even know what to say to this creature.

rockscan 08-23-2019 02:38 PM

Do you have an agreement outlining parenting time?

If yes, are you currently receiving said parenting time in the agreement?

If yes, has there been a material change in circumstances that warrants a change to parenting time?

If no, you canít change what was agreed to or force the other parent to agree. Sure you can say ďour agreement says Ďand any additional time as agreed toí which is what I want to doĒ but the issue is the other parent can say no. They can say the sky is blue and thats my reason. You have an agreement, you are following it. You listened to child and went through the process to request it and the answer is no. Your ex doesnít have to have a reason other than this is what we agreed to. Maybe itís about money, maybe itís alienation, maybe itís no other reason than they like it this way. The bottom line is you have an agreement and that is what is to be followed.

You can go and debate in another thread about why you didnít agree to more time or stepped up time or whatever time necessary.

Mother 08-23-2019 03:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by rockscan (Post 237652)
Do you have an agreement outlining parenting time?

If yes, are you currently receiving said parenting time in the agreement?

If yes, has there been a material change in circumstances that warrants a change to parenting time?

If no, you canít change what was agreed to or force the other parent to agree. Sure you can say ďour agreement says Ďand any additional time as agreed toí which is what I want to doĒ but the issue is the other parent can say no. They can say the sky is blue and thats my reason. You have an agreement, you are following it. You listened to child and went through the process to request it and the answer is no. Your ex doesnít have to have a reason other than this is what we agreed to. Maybe itís about money, maybe itís alienation, maybe itís no other reason than they like it this way. The bottom line is you have an agreement and that is what is to be followed.

You can go and debate in another thread about why you didnít agree to more time or stepped up time or whatever time necessary.


Yes, there is an agreement in place which is being followed. However when this agreement was signed, the child was 18 months old. There was not much another parent could do at the moment. The child is in elementary school and there is not a single reason that parent cannot or should not have more access especially if child support obligations remain the same, parent is willing to make it official through the lawyers, child expressed the wish to be more with this parent.


So if family law is all about the best interest of the child and a parent tells you "Well, I am not ready", is this reasonable? Would you agree to just accept it as the last and only truth? I don't think so. There is no such thing as the final agreement in family court as far as I am concerned.


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