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-   -   Curb side exchanges vs at the door ? (https://www.ottawadivorce.com/forum/showthread.php?t=22257)

tunnelight 01-10-2019 12:49 AM

Curb side exchanges vs at the door ?
 
I've been stumbling on what is the right way. I've done both curb side and walking to the door. This is only for sick days, snow days, holidays, or other times where school exchange is not possible.

Historically, it had been at the door. This had escalated to the point child wasn't allowed to hug me or would get in trouble, and she just didn't want me to walk her to the door. I explained to the child that gentlemen's walk their princesses to the door. But child was still stressed so I started doing curb sides.

Now mom will come to my door and her body language is: she is looking to get a reaction from me or otherwise upset me. Recently, I feel she is trying to get the child to feel I'm a bad person and against her mom because I don't say hello to her. I say this because of an "instinct" feeling and as she has previously complained to me in email for not saying "hello" to her. She has some expectations that I "have to" say hello to her Everytime I see her.

Question now is, is curbside an acceptable way in a shared arrangement? I have read that it is a good thing because conflict can't spark but also read it is a bad thing because the children see the parents avoiding each other.

What is everyone take on this? How do you handle exchanges? I feel right thing to do is be super cordial (as I want to be) and set a good example for the kid and just ignore mom's body language.

My biggest concern is mom using these to turn the child against me in the future in the sense she is the good person who walks to my door and I'm the one who avoids and ignores her.

Thoughts and suggestions?

kate331 01-10-2019 08:07 AM

I'm with you on school drop offs only! If it was me I would stick to the curb side drop offs. The less face to face contact between acrimonious parents the better. I'd rather a child see you trying to avoid a confrontation than engaging in one.

Hopefully as time goes by and wounds heal you will get to a better place. I know easier said then done.

blinkandimgone 01-10-2019 10:29 AM

Driveway drop off is perfectly fine if the child is old enough to get themselves and any bags they may have from the house to the car.

If mom chooses to walk the child to the door that's up to her, your job is simply to be civil, let her say goodbye to the child and say thanks. Although if the child is old enough to walk themselves from the car to the house, it is their home and they should be able to simply let themselves in without knocking. Nobody I know knocks on their own door and waits to be let in. You could tell the child to just let himself in. There is no requirement for her to come in.

denbigh 01-11-2019 07:38 PM

These two behaviors that you describe your self as doing are opposit
Quote:

I don't say hello to her.
Quote:

I feel right thing to do is be super cordial (as I want to be)
so are you cordial, or do you ignore a human being standing in your doorway?

This post could have been written by my ex. I know its not, but maybe consider another persepctive:

I feel it is important to roll model polite and respectful behavior to children and civility is necessary to all human beings regardless of how I might feel about them. I expect the same from my children. they are not going to like everyone at school, but they should be civil. They cant just going around treating people rudely becasue they dont like them. A very basic level of civility is the socially accepted norm.

My ex never speaks to me or acknowledge my exsistance, and even exhibits these behaviors in front of our children. I never call him on it, becasue that would require an actual conversation, and I know there is no point in any case.

my ex waits in drive way. This does not bother me. I watch for him and send out kids, or if I havent noticed him, he calls and hangs up on me when I say hello. this is his way of letting me know he is there and not speak to me. So the phone rings. I say hello. I hang up the phone. it is quite obvious to the kids their father hangs up on me. Or in the rare event he comes to the door, he rings the doorbell about 5 times in a row really forcefully and goes back to his car. I feel this is a really rude way to ring a door.

when I go pick up the kids, I go to the door. Why? becasue is what is a normal person does when they go to someones house. I would prefer to model this normal human interaction. I am quite certain I can be civil enough to my ex to model expected social conventions. My ex makes a point to be no where in sight when I come to the door and doesnt see the kids off. Again avoiding me.

why not be the bigger person and role model the behaviors you wish your children to use. They are watching you and your ex at all times

Janus 01-12-2019 12:30 PM

If door to door drop-offs are becoming a problem, meet at the local Starbucks. People are inclined not to be epic assholes in public :)

tunnelight 01-12-2019 01:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Janus (Post 233128)
If door to door drop-offs are becoming a problem, meet at the local Starbucks. People are inclined not to be epic assholes in public :)

Is this something that works? How well does it go with the courts? Particulary in shared parenting situations?

Janus 01-14-2019 09:39 AM

Why would public drop offs be a problem?

They beat hostile house-drops for sure.

tunnelight 01-14-2019 09:59 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Janus (Post 233154)
Why would public drop offs be a problem?

They beat hostile house-drops for sure.

I just recall a case where the judge commented on public exchanges , I think it was McDonalds in that case, that it sends a bad message to the kids and goes to show the parents aren't getting along. I may be to suckered into judical thinking.

Anyone know of any other cases or for a lack of a better term, "case law" on public exchanges in shared parenting arrangements? We are also sharing joint custody.

arabian 01-14-2019 10:20 PM

can't you merely "suck it up" for the nanoseconds that you have to be cordial and do the drop off/pick up?

Sounds like you are making a big deal about something that doesn't exist. Pick up the kid and get on with our day. If you or the mother are late.. oh well.... log on the ODF and see what's new.

tunnelight 01-15-2019 12:50 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by arabian (Post 233200)
can't you merely "suck it up" for the nanoseconds that you have to be cordial and do the drop off/pick up?

I used to be able to. I'll have to get back into this vibe.


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